Monday, July 25, 2022

I’m writing

 25.7.2022 - the day I started writing my book. 1 day before my 35th birthday. And I’ll stick with it one day at the time.

I sat down and wrote precisely 444 words, the spirit knows how much I love angel numbers. It probably took me about 30 minutes, and it’s not perfect, but the essential idea is there. I can’t believe it. My mind is racing with stories. The outline finally came together clear as a day, and I’m sure it’s going to evolve as I go along.

What inspired the sitting down and writing? A lovely meeting with a kind soul who took notes as I spoke! Over a glass of champagne, we talked about life lessons despite the fact that we met just a few days before. It was so nice to see someone being impacted by what I said that they actually jotted down some of my on-the-spot-thought-of quotes. What an ego boost!

Yes, I can be quite a charming talker… what a great idea to get over my imposter syndrome plus other self-imposed limitations and just write! Just do it.


Sunday, July 17, 2022

I'll be back... full on.

I will start writing again, I must. It's my superpower and my personal therapy.

I have so much to write about. Luckily, I have been taking mental and physical notes too!

I think I found my mojo again, in England out of all places. Not having the time to do many creative things, but it was to be exprected from having a new start, or rather, starting over in an old-new place that is pretty intense, as London can be.

I wanna do everything, write, but make money out of it, coach, and make money out of it, dance, and also make a lot of money out of it, and even babysit kids and help the elderly have a more comfortable life.  That I'm already getting paid for. In an ideal life, I do that while having my freedom and privacy as well. I'm kind of all over the place rigth now. Maybe I'm compensating by shopping a lot. But I'm pleased to announce that the worst part of the overwhelm is finally over now.

I'm setting up peakd.com, if you wanna create a free account, write down @pavlinaf as a referral, thank you.

Meanwhile, psyche yourself up for my next uncensored post! ;)

Thursday, June 2, 2022

Hang on, it's not a prison, it's called commitment.

Right, this post is going to show you how much I've been struggling with any system, structure, and obligation in my life. I just h*ate it. I frickin' h*te h*te it. Like if hate was a dirty word... Hate is a strong word, but thank god, I'm not afraid of the full spectrum of all my emotions.

Today, I had to decide what I'm gonna do with my life in the next two months. I know you're laughing! It's not that natural for me to plan myself too far ahead. Ehm, you've probably had another bout of laughter! Come on, I'm in Mexico! Every other person here doesn't know where they'll be next week, let alone in 2 months. In fact, some people don't even plan for the next day. 

I can't say whether I decided on the housesitting and petsitting option because I'm so devoted to my friend who's leaving for the USA, or because I'm skint. There were not that many options. Maybe it was a bit of both.
I'm itching for a change of scenery. I really want to travel. But when I look at my bank account, I stash the suitcase away. 

So the vision of staying put in one place for 7 more weeks is... disheartening a little. Because I'd really like to feel free to do what I want. Now I have to manage possible Airbnb guests and walk and feed the dogs every day till my friend and her son return. 
What an ordeal! Now you scream in sarcasm...

That's how it feels to me... I realized that I get easily retraumatized by the sensations of 'home'. There's no impending danger, no domestic violence, no dominant abusive mother beating me... but I still sense her.
I feel trapped. I need to run to safety.
Then I come back to reality and see that I'm not in a prison, I'm free, and I'm safe. What happened is that I made a commitment to stay, I gave my word to a friend, and promised that I'd stay for a set amount of time... What if I can't keep it?

Inner dialogue:
- Okay, but you're gonna have the whole place for yourself, Pavlina, and you're actually free to leave the house during the day and find some fun... so what's your problem? 
- My problem is that as long as I'm not making progress in earning online, then I'm wasting my time in Playa del Carmen. I need the opportunities of the West...
- You really cannot wait 2 months to sort yourself out? Just help a friend in need first. Stay present.
- Easily said...
What if the Airbnb guests do my head in? Or worst, what if no one comes and my friend will blame me for it??

I do worry a lot, even for other people.
No wonder I'm still not out of the woods with my gastrointestinal issues. 

I am grateful for my time in Mexico and for this house located in the best part of Playa del Carmen.
On the other hand, I live like a hermit these days, creating my own cell.

I not only need to learn to release fears when it comes to making commitments, but also to find freedom in them. Because it's been always about that.

I want other people to feel free when they commit to me... but I know how damn hard that is... Gotta drink my own medicine first!



Saturday, May 28, 2022

Do not overlook the signs

Why am I creating a hormone health and self-care course?
Maybe it's for me. I am tired of not heading my own advice if it lacks structure.
So I decided to put all I know on paper, and then transform it into video messages. That way I can remind myself visually!

Honestly, how much pain does it take for us to finally change?

I'm asking on behalf of other people too because I know that some of us seem to take forever to learn important lessons.

Earlier this week I got the most painful bout of gastritis together with IBS to date. It's been a while since I was crouched on the bed unable to move. There were such occasions, yes, but they were usually resolved within 24 hours. Not his time. And the most infuriating thing about the attack is that I'd seen it coming for at least 2 weeks before that. My digestion stopped. I was anxious before my trip to the USA (that never happened), and then triggered by my new environment. Being surrounded by kids' candies, mildly stressing when child-sitting, galloping down coffee every day and eating spicy food didn't help. Yuck! A recipe for disaster for people with sensitive stomachs. 

Yet, I didn't stop any of it. I didn't take the time to manage my anxiety, stress, and diet habits.

Then one day I woke up with upper left abdominal throbbing. Progressively, the pain got worse so I didn't dare to eat. On Wednesday I vomited some bits from the previous 2 days... fever and bed-ridden. On Thursday the bathroom has seen me about every 20 minutes, the fever returned, and fasting continued despite knowing how my body disliked its completely empty insides. I felt like I received 30 punches into my belly. On Friday, I felt back among the living but whatever I ate just went right through me, leaving a trail of cramping pain with fear of eating again. I managed to hold in oatmeal, and later some chicken. Regaining 20% more strength.
Today I feel quite good, but not the most responsible, I just had a wholegrain cookie and unsweetened hot chocolate as a small act of rebellion towards all the fasting and bland mini-meals. We'll see how that goes...

Still, this time I learned. On top of already giving up all alcohol over a month ago, I'm now giving up coffee, eating in a hurry, and overeating after I fasted. Perhaps I should reduce my near-daily intermittent fasting anyway. IT IS NOT GOOD FOR THE FEMALE HORMONAL BALANCE! You hear me right. Studies on fasting were actually done on men.

Without self-care we struggle to keep everything in balance. Stop the pain before it stops you.

More details on the course soon!



Thursday, May 19, 2022

Poised for a new life (in an old setting)

I'm still here in Mexico, 6 months in, and I'm pumped to be here.

Not being able to fly out of the country a few days ago feels like a blessing now. I have all that I need here, in fact, I have all that I need within.

This is a gratitude message that I sent in the PDC group yesterday:


Everything happens for some higher reason, and in its own divine timing. I’m grateful for not moving to San Cristobal a couple of weeks ago, and for missing my flight out of Mexico yesterday. It all makes sense now 🙏🏼 

Commitments, co-creating with community, minor or major ruptures, and staying put to create something unfamiliar from nothing, can feel scary for some of us. (I’m definitely guilty ☺️)

I feel the fear and convince myself it’s excitement!


I wasn't allowed to board a plane to the US... I shall write about it more in my next post. But no dream is lost. My dream was always to create a community, feel loved, feel that I belong, and be happy and healthy. I recognize the opportunities for growth right in front of my eyes. There's really nowhere to run and nothing to get to... I am creating my new reality from a clean slate. I must let go of outdated attachments to outcomes that are no longer rooted in my truth.

I found a great place to live in Playa del Carmen. I'm so grateful. More about that next time too!

Regarding love affairs, I believe that love should be constant, not a guessing game, not depend on the moon, or the weather...

Yes, it was a full moon eclipse on Sunday, a hypercharged day full of nervous energy just before my flight.

My ex-lover and I hooked up again and it felt natural, in fact, even quite loving. We still care about each other.

It was meant to be my last night in Mexico, and two commitment-phobes kinda like it that way. A closure for romance, friendship gets to stay, but no pressure to dive deeper.

We had some riffs, some misunderstandings and long periods of silence in between casual coupling.
First, there was his friend visiting and silence for over 3 weeks. Then suddenly, I was at his place, socializing with his friends, until they all went home, and we jumped on each other. Two secret lovers reunited.

The carrot was dangling in front of me again...
Oh hi, there you are!
Oh hi, you're still here!?


I guess the fantasy was still there... what if, what if we both change... what if... he becomes emotionally available and I'm finally ready to stay.

As Mark Groves says - having sex with a toxic co-dependent is like gasping for air after drowning.... good gasping. The itch is scratched, they must like me 'a little.' Immediately upon recoiling, we go back to our own worlds. I go back to drowning in my own anxiety, looking forward to gasping for air during another orgasm.

It felt good. But then the damn misunderstanding and communication glitches afterward...

A friendship can withstand some tests, but desire... desire is fickle. The sex was just a pacifier for my deeper needs, everything outside of it was the point. I didn't feel beautiful so I needed an emotionally unavailable man to feel validated. I felt lost, so I needed him to give me direction, but it gave me abandonment. I failed to fill the void with self-love first. It wasn't love that I was feeling. It was pain and I was addicted to it. An opportunity to heal. Because pain... pain is what love is to me.

The truth is, men, even women, can feel repelled by someone, yet still be happy to have sex with them.

Our parents weren't emotionally available, we needed to walk on eggshells around them to keep them happy...
Maybe disconnecting from myself was still my survival strategy, or maybe I was on the verge of a breakthrough. 

Fast forward another 2 weeks of silence, I matured up. I re-estabilished the connection and broke the silence with a sincere apology and proposed breakfast on my last day in Playa del Carmen. Breakfast turned into an all-nighter, with my leaving for the airport from his at 4am.

We understand each other and possibly, we helped each other heal.

But I deserve a safe connection. Someone constant and loving, patient with my occasional crazy. Yes, I hate that I push people away... and then I wanna be close again. He was only mirroring that.

My avoidant side wants a connection but is afraid that it'll never happen. My attachment style is 'Disorganised' - Come close, go away... I was unavailable, and just like him, I was also addicted to the chase.

New mantra:
"I am so grateful to let go of what no longer serves me. Unavailability is now unattractive to me. I am unavailable to unavailability. 
I am available for emotionally and physically available men."

Plus, God knows that I'm ready to have a child. I'd be a great mum 😜😏





Sunday, May 1, 2022

Dear Eclipse, am I the toxic one?

I think I'd like to grow up now, make commitments, and embrace stability. 

Two people called me a little girl on Saturday. I know I am one. I called a friend of mine little boy this month, and he's, in fact, quite a decent man. Albeit super unconscious and so terribly afraid of his heart ending up in a blender that he doesn't even let his feelings rise up.

So there it is, karma.

Did I deserve it?

The incident in the morning - maybe not, but the guy had a point. Although we've never quite spoken before, he only raced to get my phone number on my first day in the gym a few weeks back. That's how it's done. A girl is about to faint from her first-in-ages workout, and an absolute hulk takes advantage of her weakness. The pile of muscles jumps over to ask if she's alright. I was more than alright, but I guess - my leaking boundaries and guilt-ridden female essence simply continued the small talk... and who am I to oppose a bodybuilder who looks like he could twist my head with his pinkie finger? I knew I'd never want to meet him outside of the gym, but I still gave out my phone number - what a smooth move and how well it worked for him!

So there, you've got the crucial mistake right there... why do I still feel obliged to give out my details when someone asks me? Why don't I just say no? Am I afraid? YES.

A little girl is afraid.

Then it took us 3 weeks to arrange something... because unconsciously, I didn't want to... and all his messages should have screamed alarm bells.  I'm not obliged to meet up with him, with anyone whom I might hand over my phone number... however, as a diligent good girl, I did just that and even arrived fairly on time... unlike him. So after 15 mins of waiting, I went to get my matcha and paid for it right away. I hate paying for my own drinks on a date but I was intending on leaving as soon as it was made.

He turned up and looked even grosser than I remembered, I'm sorry. I did not like anything about him.

I called him out on his lateness, and he turned aggressive towards me, in front of everyone, I said I would leave, and he told me to grow up, that I'm acting like a little girl and if I want a man, I'll have to grow up...

Right, in my own time, I will. End of story.

A few hours later, I received a text from a ghost of the past - a man who kicked me out of his house in Newcastle, NSW for being too heartbroken, hangover, and grieving over another man... End of story there.  Was that man a man at all? Or a monster? Or a little rejected boy for a moment? Well, he was well over 50 in 2016 so one would have hoped for some discernment already...

The text said - "Guess who dropped into my dreams last night? Have you grown up yet? Years ago I always remember thinking what a great catch you would be after you got on your inner journey?" as it flashed across my phone screen... it was then 'unsent' so I can't screenshot the evidence. The new message says the same except for the 'grown up' part - Why? I guess someone grew up himself in seconds after sending it! Perhaps realizing that my being a little girl unfit for his needs is well, a little pedophilic. ...

Funny, I felt like replying: Interesting that you're still single... but no need for any reaction whatsoever!

In fact, after recent events, I'm no longer even getting angry...

Men are weird, and I am creating it. Another entitled man asked me for my notes from a workshop for which I paid $200... you think that I don't respect someone else's work at all that I'd give you all info for free? On what premise?

Then I woke up with yet another erotic dream about a certain doctor that took a liking to me some time ago. The second or third erotic dream about us. Why? Do I wish that I would have tried it with him during the event?

I kinda do fantasize about that... wondering what it would be like, to do it with a real man again. But... there's something off about the whole thing. And he ceased our correspondence so... adios.

The only real thing or something coming close to reality was the second part of my affair with my friend. ...

But it all fizzled out so quickly.

Yes, I got super angry over his 'yes, no, maybe, no' games, I felt rejected, half-used, betrayed, and sad... of course I had to call him "a confused little boy" and tell him that I liked his friend better - he's a real man, unlike you! I said...

What a bitch...

My friend's friend might be a real man, but I get so fuckin' bored every time I speak with him... Plus, he just doesn't do it for me... Forgiveness isn't my friend's middle name for sure... I should really be done apologizing. He's making me responsible for how my initial message about his fucking around made him feel... oh, poor little boy! He doesn't have the guts to admit to his part of the responsibility for his mistakes. I merely called him out on it. Anyway, let's set aside what's real, what's fantasy, and what's pure BS to focus on what this eclipse taught me -

I am/was a little girl. 

I surrender, I admit it, it's true.

This time, I'm ready to make some big changes. Wish me good luck!



Sunday, April 24, 2022

Being here and now

Here and Now... the oracle card I've been pulling over and over again and still not quite integrating the message!

I think this is a particularly important time to be in control of our own thoughts.
Last night I had an unfortunate THC experience, but perhaps it was good for a few things. First of all, I used to have terrible paranoia after smoking weed. I would feel more confused and lost than normally so I stopped it about 10 years ago. Then there's the mental aspect of psychotropic drugs. DMT in Ayahuasca would overtake my brain and spirit so much, I'd get anxiety with all the physical symptoms - hot and cold sweat, shaking, and generally feeling as if my nervous system was in someone else's possession. Was someone gathering information from my body? - may be another aspect of the paranoia. 

Last night, I ingested my friend's homemade cannabis oil with the full spectrum of compounds... Rather than going to sleep right away, I stayed up to wait for the full effects, and see how it makes me feel... I didn't like the feeling! A complete overtaking of my body and mind, slight psychosis you could say... I was so paranoid that there was someone in the room, or that I'd try to harm myself, or that my blanket was a man lying on top of me...
At one point, well after midnight, I was side stepping in front of my housemate's bedroom door, contemplating whether I should wake her up and tell her to keep an eye on me.
Even during this little madness happening in my brain, I still knew that that too shall pass... and if it was anything like the hash brownie I once ate on an empty stomach in Amsterdam, it would pass after a solid sleep... I tried, tried to calm down, and drift off... it happened at some point. 

I'm okay today but I don't recommend participating in psychedelics, especially, in these turbulent times. If I was considering Ayahuasca again, or even the readily available mushrooms here in Playa, I think that I just changed my mind.
I wanna be in control of my mind, especially now during my last days in Mexico while I'm preparing for a new chapter. And I shall live this new beautiful chapter, as I've written it a long time ago.

I need to make some important decisions for the future while living in the present moment - creating from nothing. How?
Taking it one step at the time, paying attention to my thoughts, acting 'as if', and raising my frequency. 
It's hard to stay present when the mistakes of past are still unforgiven, or lurk around threatening to be repeated... 

By the way, don't participate in other people's games... the games that boost their ego or even the narrative of heartache, blame, and separation... do not give your consent to participate.

All the best xxx



Thursday, April 14, 2022

The void be gone - not! The void be there and be nourished!

I am celebrating my befriending of the void. It's like my whole 34 years of existence I aspired to this moment 😂
My entire life I felt swallowed by it, so alone - separate, unsafe, and insecure (well, there are still some confidence issues to be tackled). In essence, the hollowness across my chest seemed palpable - this long!
All the shamans, psychics, and clairsentient people would tell me - it's your heart chakra, the impenetrable shield across your chest, nothing can get in, nothing can come out... Thanks for the confirmation!

I've always been drawn to heart-healing crystals and colors, namely, the rose quartz and the color green. But the sad song continued like a broken record in the background. 
Recently, I came to the realization that the void will always be there.... so what can I do to live in harmony with it? Fill it with more self-love and other healthier things, whispered my heart.

I am now nourishing it, I nourish my void with healthier habits and lots of self-love and self-acceptance. My new living situation, and arguing housemates retraumatized me. I had to forgive myself for recreating a familiar situation because clearly, it needed to be healed. Instead of drinking my trauma away or looking for ways to mentally check out, I joined the gym. Spending days taking care of the body means true self-appreciation. It's not a painkiller, escape, or punishment. 
I pat myself on the back for showering my inner child, inner teenager, and the adult self with love, forgiveness, and unconditional acceptance. Nothing bothers me anymore. Ehm, the cow's milk in my morning coffee instead of the coconut milk I paid for extra? Well, it fuckin' pissed me off when I found out around the corner from the cafe! But instead of returning to cause a scene, I figured that it's not gonna kill me to just finish the damn cup!

Getting to know the void all over again has been a blessing :)
I feel so different!



Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Pre-full moon musings, shadow-work, and self-love

We shall experience Libra's full moon over the weekend, yay!
Yesterday, a rare planetary constellation occurred that apparently stirred up some interesting energy. That wave should have inspired surrender and forgiveness - which are also the themes of the upcoming full moon. 

I went to a public sound healing by the beach, it was magical. I was looking at the star-less sky, replaying the recent dramas that felt so familiar they retraumatized me. But instead of feeling anxious, sad, or bitter, I felt peace. It was as if the void finally stopped bothering me, or doing anything bad to me - has it ever?

I loved the outdoor event, exactly what I needed. I felt so blessed to have spent time in Mexico and found my soul family in Playa del Carmen.

Right there and then, I forgave everyone everything. All I had to do was begin with myself, take my power back, and forgive myself for forgetting my goddessness. 
Forgiveness and surrender... My oracle cards confirmed it, and so did my higher self upon waking up this morning... What if, it's not that simple with self-love.
What if unless we do a proper shadow-sweep first (I'll explain the concept later), self-love will always be half-arsed and frankly, quite a vague idea?

So what is shadowwork?
Can we capture our shadow and bash it hard? Haha, try it! 
You'll realize that force doesn't work here. What's needed is GENTLENESS.

Be brave enough to look at all the dark parts of yourself and stay gentle. All the negativity you despise, the traits you're not proud of, the self-sabotaging behavior, the toxic co-dependency, the overthinking, the criticizing, the self-bullying, the perceived mistakes you've made in the past, and all the parts you wish you've never seen because now they can't be unseen, they lurk in the shadow. Every time life gets you down, you get you down, you remind yourself of all these shortcomings in mere seconds - and it feels yucky! Lay all the yuckiness out in front of you and - LOVE IT. Love it with fiery acceptance, love it to health because what is not loved will fester.
You can heal the wound with forgiveness...

I've been quite vague with my sh*t lately so let's put this work into perspective:
I laid out in front of me all my past messy behavior, my early twenties' escapism into drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity, my mildly ADD personality, my despise of long-term commitments, fear of deeper intimacy with a man, panic about whether I want to raise children or not, whether I believe in marriage and monogamy, my unhealthy handling of recent rejection, love-starving, and then the ways I find to flee it all and check out. I forgave the child, the teenager, and the adult in me. I've seen misdirected love and unconscious evil quite early in life, yet I'm here, alive, healthy, and happy.
I feel so fuckin' blessed that I live/d a life many cannot even imagine... so blessed and so grateful.

My fixation on the omnipresent void has been fruitful after all. I feel I've grown since I started experiencing it again and not casting it back into the shadows. I explored it, I played with it...
What if the void never leaves, was my question, then what? Will I die from feeling this lost in space?
(Well, yes and no. I will die from old age, and it might be a different sensation altogether but first - let's reframe the meaning of the void anyway!)
Maybe the void is not that scary.

Love yourself with forgiveness and acceptance, all of you.

This is what this full moon asks you to do with higher intensity now, but it's what your body-mind-spirit asks of you on a daily basis.
This type of work is crucial for your mental and your physical health.

Not until the shadow-work is done, may we fully understand the void of self-love.
What are you rejecting about yourself?
I hope you can see how important it is that you get to know your demons.
If you're a carer like me, you must realize that forgiveness and unconditional acceptance are not only for others. They start with you.

Come to my thing next Tuesday:






Friday, April 8, 2022

When the void never leaves...

... it waits for its phenomenal comeback, like a paparazzi creeping from around the corner, waiting for the perfect moment to just bam - get his best shot, shot at you... and you're frickin' shocked, puzzled, wondering how the hell did he get there... again?
I've done so much shadow-work, I wonder how much deeper should one dig! How far does that shadow go? 

It has started properly 3 years ago when I first sat down in Vipassana meditation for a total of 10 hours a day for 10 days, then continued that work a year later, sitting in quarantine in a bungalow in Koh Phangan with my dark eros thoughts. The void let itself be known more strongly than ever before... 
I tested that I could not sleep it away, eat it away, drink it away, and certainly not fuck it away because I tried that way too many times.
The void was still there, at first it felt like it was located in the middle of my chest, but in fact, lately, it feels like a vacuum cleaner swallowing me whole, leaving my spirit floating in space unprotected by my physical body, afraid of utter lostness and aloneness. 

What to do when the void comes to swallow you whole? You have to deal with it. ALONE. There, you don’t need to read the whole blog post to find the answer. 

Yet... keep asking me away and reach out anytime the void comes on the stage again. Coz' I know that if we don't address it appropriately, we resort to filling it with external substances, wine, chips, sweets, casual sex, you name it. Sometimes it looks healthy - lots of sports, maybe a lot of new work projects - we bury it under anything that keeps us 'busy'.
No, we don't have to wallow in negative emotions, but if we don't take the time to understand them, they'll come back and we'll never find true satisfaction in anything.

I deal with my stuff, all the time. That's why it surprised me when the void came on so suddenly recently, and I felt the urge to fill it immediately. Anything, anyone, let's stuff it now. Oh, yucky feelings, go away! Can I gorge myself, smash myself, find a victim to stuff it with, please?

There’s no one to blame, not yourself, your parents, nor your ex…. You feel the void when it gets triggered. So recognize your triggers... And what's next, then dissolve them?
Let's see.

For me, a trigger can be an insincere hug, an invitation that never came, someone exchanging my company for someone else's, a smile not being returned, or being left behind by those who were supposed to take care of me.
the feeling that arises - is it rejection, disappointment, sadness, thoughts of not-enoughness, abandonment, or general emptiness?
I'd say it certainly feels like all of that is experienced all at once in mere seconds.
A hollow sensation can spread across your chest, right there, around your heart chakra, and sit there so empty, yet so heavy…

I came to a conclusion that I might have been born with the void, maybe we all were, the notion of separation felt real. Therefore, there’s no getting rid of the void… because it’s already a nonbinding vacuum empty of any substance... like the space, it’s not there, yet it's everpresent. 

What are you lacking?

Give that that you're lacking, fill the world with beautiful things, intentions, and actions of love, no need to dissolve anything.

Love and blessings xxx