Monday, January 18, 2021

What trauma leaving the body may look like

I have tender loving feelings for the man... Yet, I've split up with him 4 or 5 times since September (he's counting). 

Now, you may think, what a frickin wimpy kid solving conflicts using such radical measures!

While I don't mean to defend my innocence, I'd like to write why I'm 100 % convinced that what's happening is a process of the body trying to reach equilibrium.

My relationship with T. (right, Chris is a made-up name) is very physical. It can get super-passionate (a few times a day on the weekends), and while it's something I always sought and I enjoy at the moment, my body gets confused later.

So you resort to a hasty breakup? Bear with me.

He's not exactly an affectionate romantic. Since pleasure and pain are so closely linked together in the world I've lived in, it seems that I cannot be with either sensation individually. It's a tricky matter I'm trying to heal. I'm choosing to embody pleasure and learn from past pain to create a different destiny. 

Maybe all the bad sexual experiences that I endured in the past are a blur... but their energetic imprint stayed stuck in/around the physical body... I believed that I cut some cords and released the faint memories from the body-memory... yet, I was in for a surprise. Yesterday I did yoga (first time in ages) and myofascial release at home. I stayed in the pigeon pose for some time, worked on opening my hips, and I stretched my legs so I could do a split again in a few weeks if persistent. Damn, everything crawled under my skin! It was the most unpleasant feeling, I felt so disconnected - did I willingly joined a torture club and the first lesson was in masochism? I clenched my teeth and didn't feel like being there; I wanted to disassociate from my body in order to stop the pain. Lying on the back, my left arm still extended, holding onto the foot of my left leg spread out to the side... I observed pain in the whole limb and also in both hips... Was I voluntarily offering my body for abuse? Specifically, sexual abuse. The whole pelvis area felt constricted, my pussy closed, wrapped in an aura of dread... I tried to stay with that anxious energy and let my irritation find a breakthrough and transform... It didn't happen. So I released the grip. I massaged my groins and let a few tears escape my eyes. What the hell was that?

The first time I sensed my body's irritability, tension, and a sense of stuck psychosomatic trauma was during a 10 days silent Vipassana meditation course in 2019. 

Every morning we would sit down on a meditation cushion, and except for toilet and meal breaks, we would stay there to meditate for 10 hours. No eye contact was permitted, no words, no other activities (including reading) either. By day 4, I've had enough! I began perspiring on my cushion, fidgeting, scratching myself; I felt so uncomfortable inside out, I wanted to jump out of my skin, and with the whole room being so quiet, everyone with their closed eyes deep into it, my irritation grew. I craved to scream and shout, to fuck, and then get the fuck out. I did neither. I did what I was instructed on the first day. 

Sit with the feeling. Invite it, let it be do not need to despise it nor love it. And then it happened... I crumbled. Huge sobs escaped my trembling body, and that one tissue I had handy became soaked in a minute. I don't remember how long I sat there crying, but just before the hour was up, I reached a strange sense of tranquillity. Something has left my body. I didn't need to know what or how. It did, and I felt relieved. The whole Vipassana experience changed since that moment. The remaining days were spent in peace.

Hopefully, I don't need another retreat to stop self-sabotage because I found the culprit to watch out for and along with it the cure.

The body keeps a score (the title of an excellent book, by the way). Why? After a painful event long gone, why do we still feel like an impending tragedy is just around the corner?

The answer is biological and to me, energetical too. I will not overwhelm you with the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems, but my natural response to perceived danger is flight. I scan my brain for predictable outcomes and run. The mind is trying to protect us from similar harm... filing traumatic events under threats to our wellbeing, and something to avoid. The body remembers very well how that felt... it does not want to feel that way again.

You see, soon after a proper intense love-making session with T... I go into a self-preserving mode. I might be shaken by the intensity of the climax or by the fact that I actually do it with someone I love and who loves me, and at the same time, I am searching the files in my unconscious mind for any evidence that this shakiness could be dangerous to my wellbeing. I've had sex before, I also experienced 'accidental orgasms' while not being in love with that person, hell, I’d not choose them again from an empowered attitude in a million years... yet, the body responded anyway. It's natural to feel aroused when all the right spots are being stimulated. After relaxation comes a thought: I must keep my guard up.

My only logical explanation of my consistent efforts to end what I'm experiencing with T. is that I desperately seek the comfort of knowing how to label and file this new experience in my life. When I cannot make sense of it, get confused and want to run, I seek the familiar. Sometimes familiar doesn't mean 'better'. I need to know who I am in my own body without someone ‘invading it’. And I can feel that invasion even weeks later. I feel conflicted between wanting to run away from pain/pleasure towards pleasure/pain, whichever is more familiar, while still not recognizing which is which (and what's better for me). The sexual experience feels natural, the person feels different, the feelings are heightened, and the premise of love quite real. On top of it, when we both descend back to the earth, the energy is in homeostasis, I perceive his withdrawal along with all the freedom he gives me as rejection. I struggle with that the most.

How can we self-help?

The good news is that if the traumatic events of the past passed, we're free now. So let the body know that it is safe. Self-soothe. Breathe. Relax. Eat well. Have a bath. Let's not focus on the why, why we feel this tight. Let's focus on the hows, the solution to feeling more of the good stuff. Stay present, understand that healing trauma is not pretty at first, but numbness is worse.

The only way out is through.

Remember that no person and no activity is the same even though you've been there done that thousand times before. 

Frankly, my body has been through so much trauma with men that I lost count of how many times I've wriggled myself out of a safe embrace. Would you recognize genuine love if it was right in your face? I bow down to you!

I'm loving this new experience even though it drives me nuts sometimes. I shall welcome it.

Don’t run away from perceived pain. Let’s try to heal it.

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

I'm single and I know it... lalalalala

Maybe I should call both of my blogs BreakUp blogs?

Instead of asking why do I keep attracting the SAME type of men, I'll answer myself in this paragraph. My deep calling is to heal people and lead them out of the darkness. If I search for the word: depressed in Whatsapp, I get offered message threads from my Australian ex and one message from my current British 'ex'. I know how challenging it can be for men to admit that they feel/felt depressed. Perhaps we all feel that way at some point in life. But we must use the readily available tools to pull ourselves out. Let's say, why won't we stop drinking so much, start eating healthily, go outside in nature, AND - this is the other common theme of my exes - seek human connections! Learn how to communicate and stay fairly social even during a global pandemic (I mean - reach out to your old friends, make new friends - even if only online, look where you can be of service). What's happening right now can be considered a good excuse for those men who have already been a little socially awkward to completely isolate themselves and stay with their negative thoughts and depressive feelings alone in their mancave. I explain my pattern in this way: Until I make healing - inspiring people to heal and transform - my full-time career, I'll forever keep attracting wounded underdogs just so I have something to do.

I've written a lot about my heartbreak from 2016 and the healing journey in Australia here:

It is a good blog. Sadly, I haven't advertised it enough. It could have helped many people with a broken heart; it's raw, entertaining, insightful...

In 2020 I found someone more stable, more intelligent, and apparently more faithful too... But in the end, it was all the same shit. (The Aussie wanted to live with me though)

He knew that working as a carer wasn't for me. But he also became too comfortable living alone. I get that. I love staying in my own energy and sleeping alone. But I also love the feeling when you come back to a warm place where someone's home (like that time with my sis. The first month was torture, then we made some compromises and created a new rhythm that suited both)

Well, just another guy whom I imagined marrying and having children with! ... If only I knew that he wasn't ready.. ehm, I kinda knew. Did I unconsciously hope I'd change him - heal him? Yes. Guilty again.

Everything about him and his life screamed: Run! But I went ahead with the experience, fell in love, and became emotionally attached.

He successfully retracted from every long-term commitment, and altruistic wasn't his middle name. When someone tells you they're selfish, believe them.

Obviously, he doesn't know me well if he thinks I'd smother him if we lived together. Maybe he should ask my best friends E. and O. what's my idea of co-living or if I appreciate my space and privacy... if he didn't hear it from me.

It wasn't time wasted. I view it as a 4-month long interactive course in nailing the last bits and pieces of my ideal relationship. Now the list is complete. Along with the ideal attributes of my future husband and father of our child - I also learned my own shortcomings.

I learned that if I push a man to the edge of his sanity, yet he comes back, it's painful for both. On top of it, his comeback means nothing so better not test a man like that anymore (too often) unless I make sure that his return is welcome. Because: "Toxic is if they can't let you go, but can't treat you right either" (Anon)

I learned that if he's persistent in his efforts to pursue me, I shall question his motives too. Is he serious about me or - he doesn't have anyone else to hang out with? (spoiler alert-it's the latter) AND - does he treat sex as the remedy for depression, the extra energy that he - during this pandemic- has no other outlet for, am I his indoor entertainment for the lack of outdoor entertainment? Was his eagerness to keep meeting up and use me for sex a reflection of his refusal to introspect and fill the void with more permanent nourishment?

I learned that in any relationship, one must set boundaries. Those who know me would tell you that I don't have a problem with assertiveness. No. But I have a boundaries problem when it comes to honoring my need to sleep alone and spend more time in silence. And then there's the sex issue, when I just want to keep fucking, making myself feel better by making him feel better, and losing myself in the relationship to please and avoid my deeper needs.

I learned that even if he's handsome, it doesn't really add a lot to my already beautiful world.

That being said, I know that there was a lot of good stuff too. I learned that a man who's not easily offended is the only man who stands a chance to last next to me. I loved his humor, how he wasn't taking himself seriously, and I loved his brilliant, imaginative mind and insight. There were glimpses of his hard heart softening, which felt beautiful. Sometimes, I thought that he actually knew me well. Now I believe it was probably something I wished to see rather than what it was in reality.

He said that if we lived together, I must have something to do during the day to not always be in the flat while he's working from home. That's something to respect and despise too. Who the hell did he think I was?? A baby?

What I cannot comprehend is #1. that after all that time, he still thought that I'd accidentally get stuck "with no job, no money". Is that how little he believed in me? #2. that he wouldn't offer his place "indefinitely". Because of my generous nature, wanting to help people, and my history of dating generous men - I just could not comprehend what was all that indefinitely-stuck shit about.

Do you want to build a life with me? If yes, then I hope that it is for indefinitely. We're stuck together, in love, co-creating, and having satisfying sex forever. If the answer is no, well then, get the fuck out of my life now.

So he did.


Thursday, December 10, 2020

I think I love you...

On November 12, I wrote about the freedom of choice. The choice to leave a dating scene, a budding relationship, a long-term relationship, or to stay for a little longer... as long as we still 'choose one another'. 

Little did I know that a month later my friend and coach Rodolfo Young would include 'Freedom of Choice' as the 3rd most important component to a relationship in his talk for the online summit: Bring the sizzle back into your sex life. 

I listened to the summit because I adore Rodolfo. No need to ignite my sex life further, otherwise I think there would be some serious flames in the house 🤣

Three months ago I met someone truly important for my personal growth and for my healing of the concepts of sex, love, and relationships.

He's been nothing but stable and consistent in pursuing me and letting the present moment be the decisive factor - not the past. I tried to scare him off, push him away, create drama, I vented my work stress on him, I tried to hurt him - yet, he stayed. And he showed up once more when things seemed to be ended. That little silent break helped me realize that I was done pushing love away. And that a relationship would most likely not come knocking on the door if there is a big warning sign: Don't come near my heart, I bite.

Indeed, genuine love must have seemed like something I've never experienced before and would not expect to recognize even if it was at my face.

So I accepted that I had feelings for him, but I didn't show them to him when I could, and that despite screwing this up, I was ready to trust the next man who would come around...

...and the next man was him, again.

He called and offered me a place to stay in case all my plans blew up due to a possible extending of lockdown. He offered to be there for me.

And so we arranged a 'make or break' 3-day trip together to Whitby and Robin Hood's Bay...

It was beyond expectation. I had no expectation. I came with an open-heart and open-mind, ready to roll with it. Ready to embrace the gifts the man was giving and - instead of telling him I was in love with him - I wanted to show him that I was and that I cared...

Lo and behold, every day brought more and more feeling and safety. The safety to express emotions and be ourselves. I never knew that even the fragile heart of a masculine man needed to feel safe in order to open up and share what's inside... How... arrogant of me.

At first, I learned why he was acting the way he did.

On the second day, I put a stop to the guessing game whether we were just lovers or if I wanted him as my boyfriend... "Okay then, where do I sign?" was his adorable reaction. He was processing turning me into 'his bird' over a delicious and fun dinner. Hm, was my reassurance all that was needed all along? The resolute decision that I wanted to be his girlfriend seemed to make him happy. Either way... it felt good to me too.

On the third night... we spent a good hour chatting over dinner about my most favorite topic - the holistic healing of diseases which, I believe, are a psychosomatic manifestation. All ailments are curable provided the right environment and individualistic approach... a huge topic that I'm so passionate about and could talk about for hours... We embrace, look into each other's eyes for ages, then we kiss, and look at one another again, smiling. Then he says in his usual casual fashion: "I think I love you...." and my heart leaps, I melt, I want to cry, burst into laughter, and cry...  I compose myself and say with a serious voice and a lowered stare, I love you too...

It was the most beautiful first I love you I've ever heard. It was completely independent of anything I just did, not after I made the guy feel good about himself, whether I showed my devotion first, or worse - post-coitus - when, unfortunately, I'm usually tempted to say those words too.

It was there. Echoing in the half-empty restaurant, over our empty bowls of food, some wine on our lips and just this feeling... this feeling that we found each other. despite our different personalities, the crazy pandemic time, stressful jobs, unknown future, and our histories of traveling and failed relationships. I think I love you felt like the most genuine '1st I love you' I heard a man utter. (Yes, I got plenty of I love yous before) Three months into a topsy-turvy intense connection, despite intimacy fears and just sitting there fully-clothed, he said it, and ... I heard it.

It's time to stop making stuff up - interpreting everything the wrong way based on worrisome assumptions.

New chapter

I'd like to write a post titled: How to feel like 20 again.

but... 33 is not too bad either. It's different! I don't chase boys, nor recite my parent's opinions anymore and I don't give in to every sugar craving prompting me to snack on sweets 10x a day.

[I successfully reduced it to 1x-2x a day. A sweet protein shake for brekki and one chocolate square (or three) sometime later. ha!]

If I was 20 years old, I'd probably walk downstairs right now and join in for the fun. I'm staying in a hotel in Scarborough, recovering from a minor medical procedure. The 3 lads downstairs are - ehm, impossible to ignore! Last night was spent shouting: Shut the fuck up assholes! to no avail until midnight. Afterward, I had an amazing unbroken sleep till 7:30. Yes, not too bad. This evening seems to be the same... I'll save my breath. Again, if I was 20, I'd walk downstairs and demanded some of their beers and splifs and hoped I'd look so cool in their eyes.

Oh well, I'm not 20 anymore.

I've done my private ecstatic dance in this 3m² and now I'm enjoying some red wine. Alone. They're still talking and laughing. I can hear everything through the paper-thin walls, yet it's not as annoying as the previous 2 nights. I'm too lazy to go and introduce myself, I don't feel like a splif, and I... think... I've got a boyfriend now, so... I'm less curious to see who's partying below my room. I also know that I'll get some sleep regardless and then have an inevitable wake up call at 7:30 am when they get up for work. At least I'll manage to pack and set off on my next adventure. That's what matters. 

I've unburdened myself on all levels possible. Physical, emotional, and spiritual. I left the job that was sucking the life out of me, I removed myself from stress and pressure and underappreciation and I embraced the unknown. I know I'm meant to heal as many people as possible - those who are ready and have the means to seek me out. I'm available and I'm willing. I released the false premise of security. It was only an illusion disguising control, coercion, and staying small and stuck in this increasingly ill world. I'm not talking about corona - that is a symptom of how sick we've become as a nation full of brainwashed sheep.

I'll write more about my take on the pandemic next time ... I'm grateful that, thank god, I didn't give in the collective fear despite my whole family contracting COVID. Their sound mind and lack of panic pulled them through. The media don't tell you all the truth.

I'm free. We're all free if we want to. We must trust our higher selves unconditionally.

Monday, November 30, 2020

For those who've been reading about my recent drama...

 ... The storm is over. A powerful full moon eclipse indeed.

According to Leo's horoscope, Friday 27.11. was meant to be my lucky day... instead, I abruptly ended something that's only just started (well, 3 months in). And it must be said that it's been quite good, healing, and exciting too.

I guess I couldn't take the unfamiliarity of it and the mellowness amidst all the chaos in the world. You could say that I was craving a comfort zone where I wasn't being triggered and acting like a little girl would have been appropriate. Familiarity for me is two people fighting over silly things, misunderstandings, and unexpressed emotions. Lack of love and care is familiar but it's not true in the new world that I've been co-creating. So I stirred things up a bit.

It only proves that not all storms are destructive...

On Saturday, he put a stop to it... My Saturday night was horrible.

On Sunday I felt quite composed and thought that if anything, he taught me how not to get swayed by my emotions and not overreact and panic... Sweet, I can handle this...

Come Monday, I'm a wreck again. Anyway, I journal, I read, I bake, I clean the house - metaphorically and literally too, it's a big house I'm staying at.

In the evening, we break the silence.

I'm... happy.

When overly feminine and overly masculine doesn't work

Yes, we tend to attract our opposites. But how well does it work?

I tried to make the internal shift, go and meet more sensitive men, someone who'd - like me - be able to communicate about emotions and who'd be able to show some loving feelings towards me - if it came to that. I had no intentions to take my meetings beyond friendly chats and slightly philosophical discussions. None whatsoever. If anything, I was getting an ego boost. My ego felt threatened by Chris's coolness/ambivalence occasional standoffishness and the fact that he's gotten out of a long-term relationship not that long ago. Was I just a healing tool? A bandaid on something he should have inspected before plunging into yet another dysfunctional relationship? 

Was it a relationship?

I felt separate and alone most of the time, except for 1 or 2 days immediately after our sporadic, yet amazing, dates. Still running on post-coitus high, I'd feel madly in love as if he and I could withstand anything, even this fucked up pandemic and stressful jobs. 

I felt afraid that I was more invested in the emotional side of things than he was, and since he's shown me just the physical engagement, I felt that I needed to detach myself a little. I called it - 'positively detached' because obviously, I knew where my heart was. In the meantime, I needed to shift my focus, relax and perhaps even meet other people, other men who'd provide some contrast to what I was experiencing with Chris. I'm only just learning about myself and how affected I still am by the past failed relationship attempts and by the worst possible role models one could get in childhood.

That's why I liked scheduling my other meetings at that time when I didn't feel too frustrated - that would come a day or two later. Meeting up with a fellow Buddhist, whom I nevertheless met through an app way before I met Chris, felt innocent. It made me appreciate Chris's masculine traits even more.

But balance is key. Overwhelm by emotions cause me to sabotage and self-destruct myself like nothing else. And a masculine man will destruct everything else, even something like an uncomfortable push so he could finally break his heart open.

I possibly fucked up. Unlike him saying "There's no point in splitting hairs...", I think that there is.

It's no trivial matter. It's our future - possible individual futures. I learned that since I've been betrayed so many times in the past, my current coping mechanism is to mistrust, spread my nets far and wide, have a plan b, c, d, e.... and not count on a man for anything.

Of course, that's not fair and must feel hurtful to him!

I shall not do that again. But... trust in life supporting me must be rebuilt first.

What lesson could he possibly learn from this? Perhaps the fact that without communication, even at times of stress and amidst feelings - like withdrawing back to the man cave, there'll always be misunderstandings and arguments. It is possible to prevent that by simply letting the other person know what is going on.

Especially if the other person, I - in this case, have deep abandonment wounds...

I did not expect it would be so bad until it came to it.

Well, it's time to embrace my inner masculine, harness its objectivity and problem-solving skills. It's time to find a balance of emotionality and coming back to my center of stillness. It's time to focus on solutions and screw the shit old stories I run through my head about how much I suck at relationships. (Fuck yeah, I USED TO stink.) NOT ANYMORE.

He's letting me walk away. Without a proper fight, without acknowledging that he's fucked up too. It's never a one-way street. I had reasons for acting how I did. That is no absolution though.

I definitely love the man he is. I just need to feel loved too. I can't go through life feeling deprived. I've worked hard on feeling worthy to receive, so it hurts to see a man perfectly capable of giving and receiving love, yet not doing either.

Thursday, November 12, 2020

Is the fear of rejection running the show?

Never have I ever shown the full capacity of my love to anyone. Possibly not even to myself.

Naturally, I've been attracting men who know that they will not need to worry about my smothering them with affection, because - I'm just too cool for that. What they don't know is that I'm too afraid of rejection and abandonment to commit. 

The men I date have no idea how to show feelings either. I provide a safe haven for their stalling. It makes the relationship comfortable. A little frustrating too. Yet we both perpetuate a slight drama, perhaps touching on childhood wounds of abandonment and love withdrawal where it all started. Now we're re-creating a sense of familiarity and a vicious cycle of settling for the same thing that never worked. One thing is texting him that I'm in love with him, and completely another is to show it to him - or - want to stay with him for that matter.

Love is not enough.

Many relationship experts, like Esther Perell or Matthew Hussey, say the same thing. You need more than love for one another to make something work. Willingness, compactibility, the same values and trust as some of the fundamentals.

And then there is the Russian saying that I like: Love won't feed you.

Indeed, to love someone doesn't imply that you trust them, want to stay with them, marry them, or protect them and support them. What is to love when it is not a promise of undying feelings and togetherness? That's the million-dollar question.

I know that I love Bali.... but would I want to settle down and live there? Probably not. 

I love my protege - Am I willing to look after her for longer than I need to? Uhm, no.

So what does love propose, if anything?

Love is not a commitment.

And love is not an attachment...

I'm inquiring into my heart because the last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. 

I wish he would have met me at the time I felt more empowered. But my past work would have not offered fertile grounds for a romance. Not a healthy one anyway.

I'm transitioning, finding a new purpose, yet the global pandemic is affecting my mental health.

I'm not the one to adopt the false assurance of victimhood. I hate excuses for not living your best life and I never want to succumb to complacency. I never identified myself as a victim and I'm not going to. That being said, stress does get to me and I act out of control if it's left unchecked! Checking I do, but realistically, I'm an intuitive, sensitive, spiritual sponge and even the grim British weather has the power to backstab me.

Still, I manage to get up and go... I'm just wondering if he's a part of those next steps. Possibly more empowered steps, not back into the past, but into the future where I WON'T let my fears run the show. Mainly, not the fear of rejection. I'm tired of living half a life, half a romance and half a career.

To top it off, he still acts like love is a dirty word... let's avoid the topic, "let's not lose our minds"

Well, I know it's early days. Let me just say that even though sometimes I love you, and sometimes I don't feel anything, I can still leave you and I expect the same freedom of choice for you too... Does that make the situation easier now, darling?