Thursday, July 2, 2020

The Prophecy of Whales

I had a serene dream where beautiful whales came to visit...

I'm getting ready to travel back to the Czech Republic, and sort of getting the feeling that how I'm gonna spend a year from now will be crucial. In a little over 3 weeks, I'll turn 33. I feel like it's a spiritual milestone. The number 3 stands for communication, and number 6 for love. 
According to Reiki teachings, I'm moving into fully embodying my fifth - throat - chakra. Every 7 years we move up the energy centers/chakra scale. From my own experience, I can say that those past few years have been all about authentic self-expression, finding my voice, letting myself shine by being true to who I am, and unapologetically, compassionately accept where I'm coming from. 
By the time I reach 35, I need to be ready to speak my truth confidently which will give rise to fully embracing my inner wisdom - the intuitive knowing behind the sixth - third eye - chakra.
I have too much on my mind at the moment!
May the last days in Thailand be blessed.

Whale Spirit Animal
Author: Elena Harris 

"The whale spirit animal is the earth’s record keeper for all time. As a totem, the whale teaches you about listening to your inner voice, understanding the impact your emotions have on your everyday life, and following your own truth. When the whale enters your life, it may be time to closely examine where you are, the actions and emotions that have brought you to this point, and what you can do to alleviate existing drama and unrest and find peace. Those who have the whale as their animal totem are in touch with true reality. They are nurturers and go-getters who understand there is more to this life than meets the eye."

Whale Symbolism

The whale is commonly associated with emotion, inner truth, and creativity. Here are additional meanings for this totem:
Wisdom holder
Physical and emotional healing
Keeper of history
Importance of family and community
Emotional rebirth
Peaceful strength

"The whale is symbolic of that which cannot be easily vanquished — just as a person’s inner truth, voice, and creativity cannot be easily silenced or subdued."

Whales and Communication

"Whales are amazing communicators able to connect and coordinate with other whales over thousands of miles of ocean. The whale supports us in communicating clearly from our hearts to bridge large distances with others. Whales are also very family-oriented, so the whale helps us bridge any gaps that are keeping us from connecting deeper with our loved ones. Whales support us in speaking our truth with emotion, vulnerability and power."


Friday, June 5, 2020

Staying in the moment

Staring at a little pocket photograph of Amma, the Indian hugging saint, I'm trying to recall what she could have told me that night I finally got to hug her.
Next, I'm thinking of a card I recently pulled out of the Judith Orloff deck stating: Surrender to Divine Timing

Germany, October 2018. Amma whispers something in my ear, I have no idea what... meanwhile I pray for - I believe that I'm not supposed to tell - but, I ask her for helping me manifest a relationship.
My friend Olga got her message in Hindu as well, she was asking for pregnancy.

I look away from the pic and the card and recall of how I've been struggling to get my little business off the ground. Maybe it's not meant to be? 
On the other hand, I realize that I always got what I wanted, but never have been quite specific nor ready for anything I've asked for. How are my love life and career connected?
Well, there's always a corresponding association.

When my goals aren't manifesting fast enough, my ego compells me to resent all my prayers, meditations, and guru-hugging. If I surrender and accept that divine time is ticking very differently to my ego-timing, I can slacken and sigh out in relief...? Is that how it works?
I relax, most of the time, but I admit to feeling frustrated too.
Should I just give up? Take it as a sign that my wish is no one's command and perhaps it's not even right for me? 

They say that trying to force the river is a warning of not going with the flow of life. In other words, making too much effort chases away your highest good.
Where else to turn to see the path of the least resistance?
Maybe Amma advised me to chill, not rush, get high fevers first and spend a week in a hospital with a mysterious infection (true story!) which happened 2 days after I left Germany.

No, frivolousness aside, she could have told me that a real hug from a man was always a better idea than a spiritual hug from a master.
I had an opportunity to see her for the first time in Brisbane back in 2017, yet I chose not to wait in the line and off I chased after a man who wanted to spend the evening with me. Was that worth it? Oh my god, that date was worth dozens of missed festivals and spiritual gatherings! I lived in the moment and enjoyed it.
Although the relationship with that man lasted only a few months, it continued over a distance and it's still nostalgically tender and friendly.
I could write an essay about impermanence...

Olga began expecting sometime later in 2018 and it was a successful pregnancy.

I recovered from my infection and went on to heal a bit of post-antibiotic, disrupted microbiome and grief-induced crash in Asia...
I feel as if I've come full circle.

I now know that being patient and enjoying the blessings of each moment on this earth is key.

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

How I fixed my intimacy issues (article for the Elephant Journal)

Fixing Intimacy Issues
by Pavlina Fedakova

Dr. Seth Meyers writes: "The true meaning of intimacy refers to trust and honesty in a relationship. It requires that you let your guard down and trust that your partner will not take advantage of you." 

I will not lie, despite all my spiritual awareness and relationship experience, I'm a recovering intimacy escapist.
I used to crave a connection that would be out of this world, wishing I'd bumped into a handsome stranger who would sweep me off my feet… until well, until I did, and then I run! I run as fast as I could and shed only a couple of tears which were mostly of gratitude for having have met that person. In fact, the emotional rollercoasters became so predictable, that I learned to simply observe my freaking out, journal about my twisted logic, take contemplative walks to revel in it, and then shun all emotions down. It turned into a talent.
When I freaked out for the first time, I concluded there must have been something wrong with me. I wondered - Maybe I'm antisocial, not made for a relationship, maybe I don't know how to give, maybe I'm not enough and that was way too much…. Later, I learned that I'm pretty loving and socially adequate - no matter how introverted I feel, that I'm a giver - no matter how much I love to receive,  and I'm worthy, yet those experiences didn't level up.
Many of my younger years were consumed in brief relationships based on physical attraction for sexual satisfaction. That translated into the inevitable lack of knowledge about emotional intimacy. Intimacy should be a subject at school where we’d study how to trust the opposite sex, communicate our feelings, and find comfort in vulnerability. Whereas now in my 30's learning these things feels like jumping off the cliff into the sea, naked.
Some time ago, I set out on a quest to face my intimacy fears, hoping to learn in a peaceful but controlled way, microdosing myself with dates with eligible bachelors. Sometimes the man would be so wrong for me that the lesson couldn't be more right - Stop dating bad boys to remain in an intimacy-free comfort zone, instead - go for the good ones, I pep-talked myself.
Now I understand that with radical self-love come more suitable choices. Self-sabotaging by dating a 'jerk' is only a reflection of what you believe you deserve. You must learn to see the value of your uniqueness. If you compassionately accept your background story and your quirks, you'll automatically want someone who can match that love you can give to yourself.
I spent some time getting to know my last crush. That was a first. I inspected him like the police, questioning his relationship history and checking every detail about his psyche. I expected to detect if he was just as avoidant as me since we tend to attract our mirrors. Not sure how far I was ready to take it, I slipped back into the old pattern. I run back to my shell, then towards him, then away again.
In the end, I concluded he was exactly what I needed and I committed to being interested. 
One evening, he shared something he doesn't usually talk about. Hesitantly, I reciprocated with a similar secret. After the exchange of trust, he drew me close to hug me which wasn't sexual at first, more like an affectionate: "Even if I never got you, I still like and appreciate you". Suddenly, I was brought back to the room to smell his hair, feel his stubble prickling my cheek and his warm lips kissing my neck. An electricity impulse shot right down my pants. I longed to have him hold me and consume me. The physical bodies disappeared. Left were only two masses of energy intertwining in a dynamic play. I felt safe, my heart open to giving and receiving, ready to merge with his spirit. It was all about the hearts anyway.
Emotional intimacy preceded the physical. In reverse order, we feel depleted of energy and more alone than before - a frequent mistake of intimacy escapists. Real intimacy is not as scary in practice as it's in theory. Vulnerability is attractive. I encourage you to take the plunge. Don't be with someone who isn't willing to dive in with you. Be patient, and embrace the fact that you still might be an Intimacy Junior.
By Pavlina Fedakova

Saturday, May 30, 2020

Koh Phangan sexual healing

Can one passionate evening change what you thought you knew about yourself, men, and relationships?

I decided to leave Koh Phangan and move on to the next adventure - making my way back to the West.

Classically, I met a romantic interest just when I realized that my days in KP were numbered and that I’d happily spend them alone in productivity.

I had wished for a boyfriend 3 months before, then concluded I’d settle for a fling, and in my last coupla weeks, half-frustrated, I understood that a new lover wouldn't fit well into my schedule. 

“I simply wouldn’t have the time for him!” was my consolation.

I plan my ferry out and hold and behold, here he comes. Turns out, the time I found once the right man stepped in front of me. Or perhaps, I crossed his path - with a smoothie in my hand. I knew it would be him. Inconspicuous but tall, dark stubble, blond mane and green eyes. Hello there, Frenchie.

I’m keeping it rational as I know that connections are more easily made thousands of miles away from home and responsibilities - especially - during a pandemic that’s been forcing us to distance and deal with longings alone.
I’m only a human and those past 3 months haven’t been the easiest on me either. But there were some huge bouts of gratitude and solid moments of happiness in my own company. Is that strange?

Here comes this French fellow to trigger some pain points.

Utterly honest, vulnerable, and emotional communication preceded anything physical between us. 
This time I checked everything about him before I let him into my heart.
I’ve been around many men, and I am well aware that certain factors from our childhood determine how well we do as adults in relationships and career-wise too. 
He has done the real work on himself - there was no bullshit in the way he presented himself. Not like the hippies around here claiming that orgies and psychedelics will do the work for them. Anyone bragging about various spiritual certificates, learning metaphysics, or attending re-birthing workshops after workshops isn’t authentic unless they do the inner work themselves afterward day after day.
Knowing the theory nor experiencing visions will do the trick!

Our romance ‘in the real’ world wouldn’t be ideal - at least not with our current circumstances, but for now - it was exactly what I wanted. I needed to uncover my unconscious beliefs about my capacity for trusting a man, ask myself hard questions about my own readiness for a relationship and reconsider how I would present myself if the opportunity for something stable came along - how would I take it? Would I run from intimacy as I always do?
This time, with some stumbling and fumbling, I walked towards.

I felt bold in opening my heart and my mind to a man whose realness and warmth enchanted me. Our interactions brought me a breath of fresh air and the realization that good, available, and emotionally intelligent men with open hearts are out there! Yay🙌🏼

And let me tell you, our physical connection was out of this world. It must have healed my heart, opened a portal to new kinds of manifesting, but also made me alive, sad and grateful when parting with him. Unexplored territory! with a (near) stranger!

I’m grateful for my ability to create deep connections in record time and for having attracted great men into my bed in the last coupla years.

Maybe I’ll see this man again, maybe I won’t. I am ready for anything.

Like I say in my new book - A goddess doesn’t always have to be in a relationship. She may care for a few lovers she’s transparent with or she may enjoy long periods of celibacy.

I’m that woman.

Friday, May 15, 2020

Dancing and love-making - the feelings of coming come

What do you do when you feel like there's nothing to say, no post to write, and no photo to show on Instagram?
Do you just stop sharing?

Probably yes. Good news, there is a way to reverse it.

Sharing is caring, and truly, when I log-in to Insta and see a familiar face greeting me on the home page, it makes my heart leap with joy. Maybe we're robbing some devotees of feeling the same when we keep ourselves private?

Today I busted great dance moves in my kitchen, just like yesterday in a hotel room that I booked in Haad Rin. I was in need of a 'vacation'. 
Haad Rin beach is only a 30-minutes drive from where I live so... a pretty strange vacation idea.
Yet, it's in alignment with "Stay home - stay safe". This 125 km² island is my only option for an escape right now and that little overnight trip was worth every penny!

I meditated, I studied, I journaled and I dreamed. And of course, the beach at that side of the island is just magic.

Arriving back to my little apartment in the jungle felt so heart-warming...
The following dance on the leftover ceremonial cacao (What am I gonna do after the very last dose?!), the dance oh my God... it felt like COMING HOME to myself again!

Dancing is like a drug, an instant uplifter, an ecstatic bliss, an answered prayer, it's written in my blood, like a familiar feeling of coming home... to God, my glorious body, my sweat, and all the feel-good memories of my spiritual family in Australia... that's right.
I left in October 2018, I withdrew shortly afterward and I tried not to think about it to ward off grief... 
Today, I remembered where I belonged and where I left my heart. I danced with my grief not knowing if the tears were of pain or joy, but I welcomed them. It was raw, beautiful and vulnerable, it was like making love...

An excerpt from my old blog:

"A lovely yoga teacher Emma B at a Brisbane studio that I only visited for the gig of Elijah Ray before, started yesterday's Vinyasa flow by setting an intention to recognize that which feels like coming home again...
She gave a few examples - doing yoga after a long absence, finally eating after starving all day, meeting a best friend after many years, finally painting, cooking.... etc.
The first thing that occurred to me was DANCING.
Then SEX - yes, it always feels like coming home (more on that later) but definitely, it is DANCING.

When I asked the Spirit last Sunday: "Where would I feel happier? Sitting in a cinema and watching Wonderwoman (for which I already paid), or taking a long walk to sunset markets and finding something to eat there?"
It sounds so obvious now! It made me laugh when the answer came - but, not so fast - prior to my asking it out loud there was a mess, all mixing and mingling in my head. I had feelings of guilt for wasting money (the cinema ticket), for not wanting to relax as I said I would, and then other feelings surfaced - do I really wanna walk somewhere that far just to get some food, eat it ALONE and then walk back???

However, when I composed a simple question, detached of all [untrue] thoughts..... the answer felt like a gush of fresh air with many positive feelings attached! The Spirit knew!

Needless to say, I had the time of my life. It wasn't just about the delicious Sri-Lankan food at all. It was the Tribal gig, then another solo gig, the sweaty spontaneous dancing, the lovely people around, the great vibes, and the walk there and back offered great sights of Darwin too.

Dancing, even if unplanned, is like coming home to me... that is my passion. It never feels lonely, the joy is contagious, and as a result, everything else feels familiar." 

As long as I keep dancing, no matter where I am, I can always feel 'at home'. That is a feeling I like to share.

By the way, while yesterday's dance was all about self-appreciation, sensuality and surrender, today's dance definitely facilitated a divine connection.
So here you go, we make energetic-love in dancing too.

What do you recognize as your 'coming home'...?

Check out my new website to work with me on loving yourself more:

Saturday, May 2, 2020

The inner journeys we take

Confusion is a good place to be. Or, as Joe Dispenza calls it: It is in the discomfort where change happens. And I don't know about you, but change is all I'm after. Confusion and discomfort are hopeful signs.
Today I realized that if I look back at this time in a few months, I don't want to regret that I didn't use it wisely and productively enough. By productively, I don't mean sitting down to writing my first bestseller (I wish), except before I get to that unshakeable resolute point of creativity, I need to be productive in uncovering all that holds me back from living my best life. And yeah, that includes the limiting beliefs preventing me from writing the book at this, perhaps appropriate, time. 
Becoming an author of a non-fiction masterpiece is not the only thing on my vision board though.
There isn't so much left to discover regarding my beliefs. I know my reasons for procrastinating and doubting myself and I am sure that deep down you know yours.
We have to re-write the script. There might be some probable future set in stone now, but it is not the only possible future that the quantum field holds for us.

Every year since 2011, I listen to the Hayhouse summits. 
If you need an extra dose of inspiration, listen to Gabrielle Bernstein talking about surrendering to higher power whenever she feels powerless. Yes, the help comes from real sources, people and earthly situations.

The first time I tried a meditative mp3 sometime in 2010, I knew it would become a powerful healing tool for me forever. Meditation is a source of divine inspiration and relief within me and around me. I am pleased to say that it is something I perform daily. I will have to keep that habit even after the quarantine!
If you've never tried to meditate, you might want to visit the page of my most beloved mentor Marie Forleo. She has a 10-minute practice along with her personal mantra that she introduced during an interview with Tim Ferriss here:
I recommend watching the 3-minute video first. Plus, Tim Ferriss is another worthwhile teacher!
Under the video sits a link to her downloadable meditation.
Myself, I prefer absolute silence or relaxing music nowadays.
Last year, I joined a Vipassana meditation silent retreat and I came out of it a different person. 1.-12.5. 2019 changed the course of my life - like many other spiritual events before and after that continue doing so!

I have been learning tons about myself in the past weeks here in Koh Phangan and I am grateful to be able to pass on my wisdom to the handful of clients I coach online.
It is somewhat not quite enough to fulfill me.
When this isolating period's over, I am gonna get out there and do some hands-on healing work because I miss human touch like nothing else these days.

Acknowledging grief is essential during this period. In fact, anytime we feel empty, unloved, or regretful, we can replace what's been lost with the Divine... For nothing else can heal the void and clean space for something new to come.
Don't bandage your wound with another wound.
It doesn't have to be related to touch, intimacy, or a person per se, perhaps you miss certain conveniences of life outside of the pandemic.
Either way, you might gain more clarity about how best to help yourself heal with a little self-inquiry. 
If you still haven't read my article in the Elephant Journal: 'What Covid-19 is teaching us about sex & pleasure-seeking', it is here:
Please 'heart' it or comment if you enjoyed it.

I wish you a wonderful weekend wherever you are on your personal journey x


Friday, May 1, 2020

If only wine stopped pain and solved problems

It finally dawned on me today, how much I miss Singapore.
I read articles about grief, and then it hit me too.
I am going to have to stay here in Thailand for one more month. I'm not entirely unhappy about this necessary decision, yet I've not planned such a lengthy trip. I adjusted to the circumstances and I feel quite blessed to be stuck on a deserted island with no Coronavirus cases. Nevertheless, my heart has never been here.

I am not convinced that it's the city that I miss. I suspect that what I miss is all the conveniences that I (we all) had prior to the pandemic. In Singapore, I found a comfortable clean houseshare, felt secure, could sit down to eat at hawker's food courts, traveled daily to a gym where they knew me by name, had the perfect fitness routine, mustered some social life, and made a few amazing local friends. Perhaps it wouldn't have mattered where I was then, as long as it felt 'normal' and wholesome. It just happened that Singapore was the last destination I've visited before everything went downhill everywhere.

Undoubtedly, in that Lion city, I learned to trust my feelings and embrace my social anxiety. Right, even when I could socialize back then in January and February, I wouldn't.

I used to drink more than I needed when I let my social anxiety get the better of me… 
One night in the condo in Pandan Valley, I decided not to go to a party I was invited to and neither drink down my guilt and shame and whatnot with a glass of wine on my own.

I went to the communal swimming pool instead, just to stare at the sky and float… I understood then that something profound had shifted.

Just an hour before, I would not stop obsessing about a glass of red wine that I would get. I didn’t really want to drink alcohol but I craved a quick fix… What I wanted was to feel safe, at ease, reassured that I was good enough and everything was going to be fine… Honestly, I didn’t fancy the walk to the supermarket, the havoc in my blood sugar that even a small amount of wine gives me, the blurry eyes in the morning, fatigue, a headache, and in the worst case - undesirable bouts of panic attacks. That’s how sensitive my body became.

All I desired was to stop the train of thought, get my ass to the pool and chill…
All I needed was to float…

I believe that God has always had a protective hand around my shoulders…God/the universe/the divine/nature is what keeps me above water if I surrender. When I let go of controlling the situation by my own petty actions. 
Oh, God, you wanna help me? Sure, but I’ve got this, let me just have my wine anyway… 
My self-medicating never helped to create desirable results in the past and will never do.

On that night, I realized I was changing history.

As I was floating, I felt increasingly more relieved, weightless, and happier.
I knew I could have a drink if I wanted, but it felt gratifying to give in the temptation less and less often. It wasn't easy to admit I was addicted to sneakily escaping myself, yet I knew I had to stop running in circles. I trusted that my decision to stay sober was right and that I displayed immense courage that would help me face any emotions to come.

If only I knew back then... 
I probably did.

In the past weeks in Koh Phangan, despite the alcohol ban, I went back on the occasional wine. Maybe the forbidden fruit does taste better. But now the ban's lifted. 
In my opinion, wine is an unpredictable substance and it slows down my creativity.
It would not keep me a good company in my last lockdown month. Therefore, I am saying goodbye to alcohol for the whole month of May, plus it is my Vipassana meditation course 1 year anniversary. 

Let's welcome all feelings without craving or aversion!