Sunday, August 9, 2020

No more breaking hearts

I just realized that even if I break my heart again, it doesn't matter.

In fact, with this attitude, it'll probably never happen again.

At least not in the usual awful way. It'll just be what it will be - two people going their separate ways with gratitude for the lessons learned.

Or it'll be love for life the next time around.

I'm copying some updates from my last two newsletters:


Be careful what you wish for.... again.
Isn't it funny how things work out the way we least expect, yet the unexpected feels too familiar not to have been expected?
I found a new man. 
I already mentioned in one of my blog posts that I've encountered a romantic interest while back in the Czech Republic. 
It was sudden, intense, affectionate, emotional and fun, and it is finished.
Why? 
I don't believe in promises made after a very short time of knowing someone and long-distance romantic relationships are difficult - for me.
My new career offers me a lot more stability and purpose.

The lesson from this new 'heartbreak'? 
It wasn't heartbreaking at all, it was rather heart-opening.
I tasted the kind of feeling I know I deserve to have in a long-term relationship. It was the first time since 10 years ago that I felt an easy emotional connection, safety, and peace with a man. In fact, for the first time ever I felt truly heard and totally seen.
If you ask me how is it possible to create an emotional connection in a matter of days -
-> The answer is always an authentic communication.
Are you afraid of rejection? Of abandonment? Of commitment? -> Communicate all that!
By communicating, we found a way back to one another. In the end, we've established a beautifully honest intimacy. Lovers or friends - I am certain that by listening to my heart, it has led me to both a wonderful person and a wonderful job.
My last weeks in the Czech Republic couldn't have been sunnier
Goodbye Prague, hello York for a year!

I am done with dating.
And I'm not saying it in a bitter manner. I'm merely done with various dating games like - not replying in a timely fashion (a few hours up to a full working day can be understandable, however, a few days? You/I've been too busy to reply for a week?), having unconscious fears of abandonment running the show, or mind-fucks to get each other to bed... I am done with that. In the best way possible.





Friday, July 24, 2020

Prague Romance

The morning after, I felt awkward.
Wait, first a little background story.

Ten days ago I met a man. Kind-hearted, well-traveled, trustworthy, caring, a great listener. I felt an instant attraction… This tall dark stranger with big brown eyes was sent from heaven to make my arrival back to the West, back to the city, and back to the reality of my difficult family relations a little easier. The day before meeting him, Prague seemed sooo beautiful, so crisps, so fresh, so wonderful without all the tourists. It was like a dream walking across the Charles Bridge and not physically bumping into people or needing to use my elbows to make my way through the crowd. My favorite shopping mall looked also very unobstructed. I could see all the way to the end, around the corners, and enjoy a chat with my pregnant friend in peace.
Perhaps not helpful for the economy, but great for locals to reconnect with the city…

I felt at home, welcomed, and happy. There he comes, gives me crazy butterflies, and sweeps me off of my feet. My pre-birthday dinner with him shouldn’t get dismissed, he was so thoughtful. I took a break from my family members in the south bohemia to come back to Prague for several reasons. Yes, I had important appointments but true, I wanted to see him again. What?? I know you for less than a week and I can’t get you out of my head??

Well… I couldn’t and I didn’t want to.

Kissing him at 10 pm under the stars near a fountain in Havlickovy Sady topped the perfect summer date.

Life is short. 

My time in the Czech Republic is ticking.
On Friday I have a flight to my new career. I loooove it! I have searched for a job like that for so many moths….
I am decided about what I want to do.

I like this new man, and I accept that I might have found something good which I’m dropping now in favor of something unknown.
But that’s ok.
We still have a week to go.
I have a family celebration this weekend, he is
 camping, and we might see each other afterward. 

Or we might not. 

Was sex with him all I wanted? 
Was sex with me all he was after?
I’m not sure.

The attraction was huge… but not unbearable. I could have easily waited before sleeping with him, eager to have many more of our fascinating conversations without any physicality.

But that night it felt right…
I have to own my choices.

I would have waited if I weren’t departing so soon, yet, I craved him physically and spiritually too. It’s been years since someone made me feel that way. I know that I desired to merge with him on that night and I don’t want to care about the dogma.

The morning after…. I felt a little awkward. 
The mystery was gone. My fear is that he doesn’t want me anymore… so what do I do? I run. Preventatively.

I feel a lil' sad that we weren’t given a chance at love, a real relationship.

The universe has its funny ways. 




Monday, July 20, 2020

The beauty we fail to see within, especially, when dealing with unkind family members.

During my meditation experience earlier today, I observed how objectively I can reflect on what’s going on outside of myself. My grandparents' old-fashioned behavior, my mother's efforts to put the past behind, my sister’s avoidance of feeling pain of any kind, and my own detachment from it all. The whirlwind inside looks like a piece of cake when I separate it from pure consciousness.

I could reflect on and forgive my imperfect behavior, seeing it as a way to protect myself, creating a defense mechanism from false accusations and misunderstandings. I can understand that my childhood wounds dictate how much trust I’m ready to disperse since its supply is limited.

I realize why I consider romantic relationships unstable, why I used to feel safer on the road, and how I’ve changed to now willingly settle for something calm and secure. Like a guaranteed well-paid job offer overseas, for example, where I’m being chased to start as soon as possible and commit to at least a year-long contract. I love it!
Security is calling me. 

I find it rather funny how friendships withstand the test of time as if nothing happened. They resume where they’ve left off as if goodbyes were said only yesterday. On the other hand, many relationships start breaking apart at the speed of light even during a short absence.

Everyone knows that long-distance relationships suck. So don’t…

Regarding families, sometimes distance helps to recognize that our love-hate relationship is mostly love. Absence grows the heart fonder. Except, differences are differences and no time apart can reconcile different characters and magically make them get on well together. 

Christian Standard Bible
Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown, among his relatives, and in his household.”

I'm not religious but I frequently pray to angels and other spiritual beings.

I pray not to succumb to guilt that I've chosen to leave, that I've chosen what’s best for me.

I pray not to succumb to shame that I might have failed. As a daughter, as a granddaughter, sister, cousin, or a past girlfriend… I’ve always done as best as I could for that given time.

During my meditation-prayer, I not only observed the light within me, but I felt divine love pouring all over me. Perhaps it was Archangel Jofiel who came to console me and help me open my eyes to my inner beauty. 
Why? Interpersonal relationships with all their differences trigger guilt and shame no matter how hard we pray. Loving ourselves helps ease these feelings.
Sometimes it's a struggle to see the outside beauty, thus the gift of our inner radiance must become the unshakable foundation for self-love.

I don’t know why the connection to the divine felt so intense today, so real tears streamed down my face and gratitude filled my aura field. A complete acknowledgment of my light and also the difficult ordeal that ‘no one is a prophet in their own family’ weighed heavily upon me, yet the support and gratitude rippled through me and I've chosen to stick with the light. It would have been too easy to fail to recognize my fortune, my progress as a human, my spiritual work, and healing. I forgive. I just cannot forget the past, not feel afraid of more hurt and disappointment and humiliation. Is that wrong? 
No, it isn't. Deep down I trust the slow healing process when it comes to this family of mine.



 

Thursday, July 2, 2020

The Prophecy of Whales

I had a serene dream where beautiful whales came to visit...

I'm getting ready to travel back to the Czech Republic, and sort of getting the feeling that how I'm gonna spend a year from now will be crucial. In a little over 3 weeks, I'll turn 33. I feel like it's a spiritual milestone. The number 3 stands for communication, and number 6 for love. 
According to Reiki teachings, I'm moving into fully embodying my fifth - throat - chakra. Every 7 years we move up the energy centers/chakra scale. From my own experience, I can say that those past few years have been all about authentic self-expression, finding my voice, letting myself shine by being true to who I am, and unapologetically, compassionately accept where I'm coming from. 
By the time I reach 35, I need to be ready to speak my truth confidently which will give rise to fully embracing my inner wisdom - the intuitive knowing behind the sixth - third eye - chakra.
I have too much on my mind at the moment!
May the last days in Thailand be blessed.

Whale Spirit Animal
Author: Elena Harris 

"The whale spirit animal is the earth’s record keeper for all time. As a totem, the whale teaches you about listening to your inner voice, understanding the impact your emotions have on your everyday life, and following your own truth. When the whale enters your life, it may be time to closely examine where you are, the actions and emotions that have brought you to this point, and what you can do to alleviate existing drama and unrest and find peace. Those who have the whale as their animal totem are in touch with true reality. They are nurturers and go-getters who understand there is more to this life than meets the eye."

Whale Symbolism

The whale is commonly associated with emotion, inner truth, and creativity. Here are additional meanings for this totem:
Wisdom holder
Physical and emotional healing
Keeper of history
Importance of family and community
Emotional rebirth
Peaceful strength
Communication

"The whale is symbolic of that which cannot be easily vanquished — just as a person’s inner truth, voice, and creativity cannot be easily silenced or subdued."

Whales and Communication

"Whales are amazing communicators able to connect and coordinate with other whales over thousands of miles of ocean. The whale supports us in communicating clearly from our hearts to bridge large distances with others. Whales are also very family-oriented, so the whale helps us bridge any gaps that are keeping us from connecting deeper with our loved ones. Whales support us in speaking our truth with emotion, vulnerability and power."


from:  https://www.spiritanimal.info/whale-spirit-animal/







Friday, June 5, 2020

Staying in the moment

Staring at a little pocket photograph of Amma, the Indian hugging saint, I'm trying to recall what she could have told me that night I finally got to hug her.
Next, I'm thinking of a card I recently pulled out of the Judith Orloff deck stating: Surrender to Divine Timing

Germany, October 2018. Amma whispers something in my ear, I have no idea what... meanwhile I pray for - I believe that I'm not supposed to tell - but, I ask her for helping me manifest a relationship.
My friend Olga got her message in Hindu as well, she was asking for pregnancy.

I look away from the pic and the card and recall of how I've been struggling to get my little business off the ground. Maybe it's not meant to be? 
On the other hand, I realize that I always got what I wanted, but never have been quite specific nor ready for anything I've asked for. How are my love life and career connected?
Well, there's always a corresponding association.

When my goals aren't manifesting fast enough, my ego compells me to resent all my prayers, meditations, and guru-hugging. If I surrender and accept that divine time is ticking very differently to my ego-timing, I can slacken and sigh out in relief...? Is that how it works?
I relax, most of the time, but I admit to feeling frustrated too.
Should I just give up? Take it as a sign that my wish is no one's command and perhaps it's not even right for me? 

They say that trying to force the river is a warning of not going with the flow of life. In other words, making too much effort chases away your highest good.
Where else to turn to see the path of the least resistance?
Maybe Amma advised me to chill, not rush, get high fevers first and spend a week in a hospital with a mysterious infection (true story!) which happened 2 days after I left Germany.

No, frivolousness aside, she could have told me that a real hug from a man was always a better idea than a spiritual hug from a master.
I had an opportunity to see her for the first time in Brisbane back in 2017, yet I chose not to wait in the line and off I chased after a man who wanted to spend the evening with me. Was that worth it? Oh my god, that date was worth dozens of missed festivals and spiritual gatherings! I lived in the moment and enjoyed it.
Although the relationship with that man lasted only a few months, it continued over a distance and it's still nostalgically tender and friendly.
I could write an essay about impermanence...

Olga began expecting sometime later in 2018 and it was a successful pregnancy.

I recovered from my infection and went on to heal a bit of post-antibiotic, disrupted microbiome and grief-induced crash in Asia...
I feel as if I've come full circle.

I now know that being patient and enjoying the blessings of each moment on this earth is key.







Wednesday, June 3, 2020

How I fixed my intimacy issues (article for the Elephant Journal)

Fixing Intimacy Issues
by Pavlina Fedakova

Dr. Seth Meyers writes: "The true meaning of intimacy refers to trust and honesty in a relationship. It requires that you let your guard down and trust that your partner will not take advantage of you." 

I will not lie, despite all my spiritual awareness and relationship experience, I'm a recovering intimacy escapist.
I used to crave a connection that would be out of this world, wishing I'd bumped into a handsome stranger who would sweep me off my feet… until well, until I did, and then I run! I run as fast as I could and shed only a couple of tears which were mostly of gratitude for having have met that person. In fact, the emotional rollercoasters became so predictable, that I learned to simply observe my freaking out, journal about my twisted logic, take contemplative walks to revel in it, and then shun all emotions down. It turned into a talent.
When I freaked out for the first time, I concluded there must have been something wrong with me. I wondered - Maybe I'm antisocial, not made for a relationship, maybe I don't know how to give, maybe I'm not enough and that was way too much…. Later, I learned that I'm pretty loving and socially adequate - no matter how introverted I feel, that I'm a giver - no matter how much I love to receive,  and I'm worthy, yet those experiences didn't level up.
Many of my younger years were consumed in brief relationships based on physical attraction for sexual satisfaction. That translated into the inevitable lack of knowledge about emotional intimacy. Intimacy should be a subject at school where we’d study how to trust the opposite sex, communicate our feelings, and find comfort in vulnerability. Whereas now in my 30's learning these things feels like jumping off the cliff into the sea, naked.
Some time ago, I set out on a quest to face my intimacy fears, hoping to learn in a peaceful but controlled way, microdosing myself with dates with eligible bachelors. Sometimes the man would be so wrong for me that the lesson couldn't be more right - Stop dating bad boys to remain in an intimacy-free comfort zone, instead - go for the good ones, I pep-talked myself.
Now I understand that with radical self-love come more suitable choices. Self-sabotaging by dating a 'jerk' is only a reflection of what you believe you deserve. You must learn to see the value of your uniqueness. If you compassionately accept your background story and your quirks, you'll automatically want someone who can match that love you can give to yourself.
I spent some time getting to know my last crush. That was a first. I inspected him like the police, questioning his relationship history and checking every detail about his psyche. I expected to detect if he was just as avoidant as me since we tend to attract our mirrors. Not sure how far I was ready to take it, I slipped back into the old pattern. I run back to my shell, then towards him, then away again.
In the end, I concluded he was exactly what I needed and I committed to being interested. 
One evening, he shared something he doesn't usually talk about. Hesitantly, I reciprocated with a similar secret. After the exchange of trust, he drew me close to hug me which wasn't sexual at first, more like an affectionate: "Even if I never got you, I still like and appreciate you". Suddenly, I was brought back to the room to smell his hair, feel his stubble prickling my cheek and his warm lips kissing my neck. An electricity impulse shot right down my pants. I longed to have him hold me and consume me. The physical bodies disappeared. Left were only two masses of energy intertwining in a dynamic play. I felt safe, my heart open to giving and receiving, ready to merge with his spirit. It was all about the hearts anyway.
Emotional intimacy preceded the physical. In reverse order, we feel depleted of energy and more alone than before - a frequent mistake of intimacy escapists. Real intimacy is not as scary in practice as it's in theory. Vulnerability is attractive. I encourage you to take the plunge. Don't be with someone who isn't willing to dive in with you. Be patient, and embrace the fact that you still might be an Intimacy Junior.
By Pavlina Fedakova

Saturday, May 30, 2020

Koh Phangan sexual healing

Can one passionate evening change what you thought you knew about yourself, men, and relationships?

I decided to leave Koh Phangan and move on to the next adventure - making my way back to the West.

Classic, I met a romantic interest just when I realized that my days in KP were numbered and that I’d happily spend them alone in productivity.

I had wished for a boyfriend 3 months before, then concluded I’d settle for a fling, and in my last coupla weeks, half-frustrated, I understood that a new lover wouldn't fit well into my schedule. 

“I simply wouldn’t have the time for him!” was my consolation.

I plan my ferry out and hold and behold, here he comes. Turns out, the time I found once the right man stepped in front of me. Or perhaps, I crossed his path - with a smoothie in my hand. I knew it would be him. Inconspicuous but tall, dark stubble, blond mane and green eyes. Hello there, Frenchie.

I’m keeping it rational as I know that connections are more easily made thousands of miles away from home and responsibilities - especially - during a pandemic that’s been forcing us to distance and deal with longings alone.
I’m only a human and those past 3 months haven’t been the easiest on me either. But there were some huge bouts of gratitude and solid moments of happiness in my own company. Is that strange?

Here comes this French fellow to trigger some pain points.

Utterly honest, vulnerable, and emotional communication preceded anything physical between us. 
This time I checked everything about him before I let him into my heart.
I’ve been around many men, and I am well aware that certain factors from our childhood determine how well we do as adults in relationships and career-wise too. 
He has done the real work on himself - there was no bullshit in the way he presented himself. Not like the hippies around here claiming that orgies and psychedelics will do the work for them. Anyone bragging about various spiritual certificates, learning metaphysics, or attending re-birthing workshops after workshops isn’t authentic unless they do the inner work themselves afterward day after day.
Knowing the theory nor experiencing visions will do the trick!

Our romance ‘in the real’ world wouldn’t be ideal - at least not with our current circumstances, but for now - it was exactly what I wanted. I needed to uncover my unconscious beliefs about my capacity for trusting a man, ask myself hard questions about my own readiness for a relationship and reconsider how I would present myself if the opportunity for something stable came along - how would I take it? Would I run from intimacy as I always do?
This time, with some stumbling and fumbling, I walked towards.

I felt bold in opening my heart and my mind to a man whose realness and warmth enchanted me. Our interactions brought me a breath of fresh air and the realization that good, available, and emotionally intelligent men with open hearts are out there! Yay🙌🏼

And let me tell you, our physical connection was out of this world. It must have healed my heart, opened a portal to new kinds of manifesting, but also made me alive, sad and grateful when parting with him. Unexplored territory! with a (near) stranger!

I’m grateful for my ability to create deep connections in record time and for having attracted great men into my bed in the last coupla years.

Maybe I’ll see this man again, maybe I won’t. I am ready for anything.

Like I say in my new book - A goddess doesn’t always have to be in a relationship. She may care for a few lovers she’s transparent with or she may enjoy long periods of celibacy.

I’m that woman.