Friday, October 16, 2020

All things must come to an end. But not so soon.

I'm seeing that this week has been all about listening to the body... The body wanted more food than usual, it wanted a different type of exercise - mostly just necessary bicycle journeys and slower-paced danced moves (cannot call that an exercise) - and it craved wine.... Moreover, it cried a lot. 

It's not even my period week. But the tears just keep pouring... So much has become clear and I'm still wrapping my head around all the revelations. 

You know that I'm all about trusting the messages of the body and just rolling with it. If you're insomniac, you understand what I mean. Sometimes the body has a mind of its own. We can console it, kid to it, try to bargain, but it just does its thing. For a change, I've been sleeping okay in the past few weeks, which I believe is due to the fact that I stopped resisting... I stopped resisting new challenges, new responsibilities, falling in love and the way my body wants to be. The crying is relieving on a whole new level.

I've been speaking in riddles in here.

I never clarified that Teal became 'my baby'. I got so attached to her. Like my blonde princess whom I loved checking upon, a stubborn teenager loving her technology and head-banging to music so loud in her headphones that I could be knocking on her door forever or just enter her room unnoticed, I loved cooking for her, engaging in our warm conversations during dinnertime or her out-of-nowhere hugs. But she's never been my baby, to begin with. She's always been the baby of her parents, and I'd be always someone expected to comply with their rules and report back to them.

So when she finally told me today that she's never been cool with me getting a boyfriend and staying overnight elsewhere once a week, reminding me that I broke all the rules... I realized that things have definitely not been as peachy as they appeared.

Maybe I should ask my mum if drinking 1,5 bottles of wine in 3 days is normal.

I knew that the things here were just a product of my naive mind.

I knew it would come to the end. June... or some other month... it doesn't matter. 

I love that my body has been sensing major shifts before they even occurred.

Damn, you ladybug sign... I trust you have bigger plans for me. After all, hasn't it been for Teal, I'd never know how much I could love someone else's child and be a devoted mum to it.

But I'm not leaving yet. Not now when I'm all committed and starting to love this sense of stability. Compromises will have to be made.

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Love, whether temporary or ever-lasting, it's good and nourishing for the heart

This is going to be a very straight-forward post, and super honest, just like I love to speak and write! 😆

Esther Perel mentioned in her interview with Lewis Howes that there are two types of romantic partners... With the first type, we could have a really great love story, whereas with the other - we could write a life story.

Here's a potential love story.

I found someone. Someone perfect for now, for this time of healing, of changing seasons, shedding of old skin and armour, for the era of masked-up faces, social distancing hindering new connections, time of longing for hugs, affection and exciting encounters, for this period of the most phantasmagorical crisis in modern history.... so dangerous for our mental health and wellbeing that there are no words to describe the actual consequences. And, he's going through that with me.

Isn't it ironic how our instincts can tell if someone is perfect for now, but definitely not for later... or perfect for later but not for now? My first and probably only real relationship years ago felt like the latter. He was the ideal man, a husband material fit for an amazing life story, and even as a 21-year-old, I knew that someday he'd make the best father to his future children. But at that age, perfection for later meant nothing to me. I wanted to live to the max right there and then, to travel, meet other people and get to know myself. It was the wrong timing for us. He's still in my life as a friend who's always there for me, thankfully. For the last 12 years, I haven't met anyone like him, yet leaving him helped me grow. Now I'd kill for a settled man like that.

This new guy, let's call him Chris, is... perfect for now. I'm making it work for me for I promised myself to never sabotage myself again. I'd not want to switch things up just because I think ahead more than I embody the present moment. That approach should have been embraced before - Had I stayed present 12 years ago, I would have seen a man who was making me feel safe, precious and loved every day. If I stay present now, I'm seeing a fairly effortless connection based on a fascination with our differences and mutual attraction, and it feels good. He's lovable, just not quite ready to give more of himself.

Another reason why I'm staying involved despite Chris's emotional unavailability is that I don't want to be alone at this time of global crises. Judge me as you wish. I've spent more years as single and alone than in relationships so... I yearn to stand beside someone. There's not even any better fit in my social circle right now. I just moved to York. My circle consists of 3 people. Women.

This budding relationship reminds me of Adam. The Australian affair that I blogged about 3-4 years ago. While I was getting over a big heartbreak, I struck a connection with a man who was just crossing the street. We exchanged numbers, had one innocent date after which I rejected him, and then we accidentally bumped into each other a coupla months later again. It turned into a sexual friendship lasting 5 months. We visited bars and restaurants to eat and each other's homes to f#ck. No social activities, no deep talk, I don't even remember sensual kissing or holding hands. It was easy, monogamous must be said, unemotional and I dare to say that it was good for me. I felt no pressure, it was heart-warming in its own way and helpful for forgetting my ex.

Then Adam moved out of Brisbane and I found J... a nice love story. Despite him being perfectly emotionally available, affectionate, kind, hot and always a safe refuge, he wasn't, and still isn't, physically available. Perfect for then, perfect for later, but unlikely.

Now back to October 2020. I'm casually seeing Chris and it's been a tender and interesting learning experience. I have no doubt that I've grown into a loving woman who's nevertheless looking for a reliable mate for life. He ought to be just as ready as. This current practice is preparing me for the big life story yet to be written. Why am I feeling it in my bones? Because I'm no longer rejecting people and things that feel good and nourishing to my heart.  (Hello, kale).

Thursday, September 24, 2020

You're not lost, but only a dead fish goes with the flow...

I took a break from my weekend newsletter last week. In 30 weeks I've done this twice! Maybe it's time to pick a workday and stop treating my writing and musing only as my weekend side hustle and turn it into serious work. And work is done during the business week.

So many things have been on my mind lately, no wonder that there's no time to sleep with all this must-do pondering in my head! Honestly, there's a whole book up there and it won't write itself without my pausing and making my ideas a reality. Writing is still love and it helps so much when I can settle my thoughts in this way. It's a joy sharing it.

A friend of mine recently referred to himself and I as two lost souls... I gotta admit that a certain resistance bubbled up inside of me.
Lost... I've been there. But, am I still there?

What does it mean to be lost? To not have short term goals? A stable job? To not own your own house? To be single and looking? To be in a relationship and feeling confused?
Why do we always doubt ourselves and our journey? Why should there be a particular path that is the opposite of lostness? Is there a recipe for foundness?
If there is one, in my experience, it's this: Lose yourself in the deepest darkest abysses of your soul, try everything there is to try, confuse yourself to the point that you don't know who you are anymore, get rid of all material possessions, grieve over the people who came and went, pitty yourself for your smallness and then.... instead of letting it go... just welcome it. Look at yourself in the mirror and welcome what you see with an open heart and an open mind. Welcome this place of lostness, the ground zero, welcome it with joy! Laugh at your seeming shortcomings, at your colourful past, at your random way of living your amazing life, and welcome the unknown. No one quite knows who you are unless you tell them who. Rewrite your story. Creating from nothing is oftentimes the most profound. Lost is the new found.
Boldly follow your confusion! That's the green light you've been waiting for.

Yes, I'd like a tangible sense of direction, break down my long term goal into short-term goals and these into small baby steps.
In conclusion, I could use that Master degree to get myself where I want to be in 5, 10 years... Read about the energy of fear dictating the outcome of even the best of the best decisions we make here:

The excuse that we shouldn't chase after anything and just savour the moment? My current job is here to be savoured any day... in fact, it is so flexible that I could get bored with the empty gaps in between. I love my job and I was made for it. I just fancy an extra venture. A creative self-expression with a long-term perspective. I can do anything - work and study, I can do everything I set my mind to.

Going with the flow and adjusting to life events as they randomly happen or - creating by default the things that we want to happen?
Are those mutually exclusive? Does the latter mean that life wouldn't present us with any surprises? Does influencing our destiny require sticking to a timetable and never detour the entire lifetime?
For that, I need some serious mindset shifts!

What would your life look life if you trusted the people who cross your path without a seed of doubt?

We must trust our hunches.... moreover, the body never lies.... keep checking with your body frequently.

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Keep weaving the web - How seeing the bigger picture helps.

If what you wanted doesn't feel all so 'juiceyyy'... but it's exactly what you need, and you know it deep down, keep at it! It'll change, things will fall into place and it will feel right.

So just hang on in there a little longer, embody your higher self, trust, believe, be patient... recognize your resistance, perhaps even an addiction to the familiar misery.

Don't go there.

Detach, see the bigger picture, find balance, trust that everything's unfolding perfectly. Like the spider weaving its web so assuredly.

Every little thing you do has consequences.

"Spiders gifts include – creativity and weavers of fate, the balance between past and future, physical and spirit, male and female. Their bodies are shaped like the number 8 and they have 8 legs, symbolising infinite possibilities of creation. Spider weaves her web, we weave our realities. Spider reminds us that we create many of the situations in our lives. We have the power to create what happens in our lives – to us and to others. But we must realise this. The choices we make coupled with our attitude – very powerful stuff.

If the spider has caught you in its web, then look with-in and with-out to see the web you are weaving in your life. Are you content? Are things going well in your life? If things are good, Good! Think about the attitude/choices that have gotten you where you are today, creating positive situation and continue!

Sometimes we don’t have the spider’s ability to see our lives as a whole. So often we meet conflict in our lives, not sure how to integrate desires and paths, which seem to oppose one another. So if the Spider has entered your life, it is here to teach you something(s). One of these things is to attune yourself to the energy of the Weaver. You can then begin to see that many of the inner dividing walls that seem to separate aspects of your life are not as solid as they appear. You may be able to see that by looking at things differently, barriers can disappear and that your life can be viewed in a more integrated way. You may also realise that the webs you weave need not be sources of entanglement, but a network of roads to travel.

Spiders are actually very delicate, embodying the energy of gentleness, and generally aren’t aggressive unless defending their lives. Moving forward whatever the situation, with a gentle strength, is a skill that often needs to be learned by those with this power animal."

By Ina Woolcott

Monday, August 24, 2020

Committing to commitments

Squirrel Spirit Animal

By Ina Woolcott

"The idea that there are obstacles that can't be overcome is not part of Squirrel’s outlook on life, nor is giving up. Squirrel is an almighty power animal to have any time when you feel you have reached a dead-end in your life, or in a situation and ready to give up. We are shown that perseverance and the readiness to try different methods are the keys to success.

 – it can also mean being as flexible as Squirrel when it comes to allowing and starting change.

When squirrels prepare for the winter, they gather only what they require. This teaches us the importance of letting go/getting rid of unnecessary physical objects, and also negative beliefs, emotions, and memories which limit our faith in love and abundance. We need to lighten our load, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

As busy as these animals are, they always have time to play. This teaches us that there IS time for everything in life, that the balance between work, play, rest, and contemplation is essential to our overall feeling of wellbeing and harmony. We are reminded that on our journeys to fulfill our goals, it is vital to make time for play and socializing.

Ask yourself are you too active, not active enough, too afraid, or hung up on accumulating and collecting. Squirrel people can sometimes be a little erratic, trying to do many things at once. Take the time to stop, listen, and to heed your inner self.

Don’t forget to play, no matter what age you are! Don’t have too much on your plate at any one time.

Squirrels are very trusting and are one of the few (wild) animals that will eat out of a person’s hand. This symbolizes a need to let down your defenses, and to learn to trust more, remember that you will be taken care of."

I knew that the last 3 squirrels I noticed on 3 different occasions while brooding over my new circumstances meant something.

I gave my word that I'd stick with this work for one year, respectively 10 months. So now I have 9 more to go. That's not a lot.

Too many times in my life I intended to stick with major decisions that I knew were healthy for me and would yield positive results over time. But I gave up. 

I made commitments more than I care to count, e.g. never start dead-end relationships, leave spirit-sucking jobs, diminish unhealthy lifestyle - including toxic environments, soulless food, and drinks, sleepless nights partying or worrying, and the many promises to myself to never escape my emotions again... I had a few goes at it and then dropped it. In the end, I learned to listen to my intuition and thus avoid most of the above.

There wouldn't be so many 'startovers', have I just stuck with my best intentions to commit to what's good for me.  

No commitment is the same. If we intend to break it, get honest with yourself first and foremost.

When it comes to mundane commitments like giving up sugar for good, I seem to get distracted. I reduced it to natural sugar, but once or twice a month I sin, yet the Earth keeps on spinning and my weight stays stable.

A commitment not to ever drink coffee is also unsustainable, and little does depend on whether I stick to it or indulge once in a while. Most of the information out there is confusing and unfounded. I normally crave extra caffeine in the second half of my cycle. I experience estrogen drop, loss of energy, and more muscle fatigue. Even then, I'd have one cup a day and it's gotta be just the right brew not to make me jittery. Come my period, I naturally wean off of it for the next 2 weeks or so.

Regarding wine, the only commitment I must/want to make is that I won't use it as a tool to numb myself. I need to first feel the full weight of those feelings that irritate me and I must deal with them as an adult, accept my responsibility for creating certain situations, and for not managing too well. I commit to not reaching for a drink every time I desire a little thrill. I want a party, not a pity party. 

Ideas for when we want to relax: Try a little nap, have a calming tea, have an energizing tea, a tiny snack, or masturbate.

Michael Neil says: There aren't enough cookies in the world to make us feel happy and loved. Cheers to that!

My commitment to working as a carer for Teal in York, UK is still on, and it will be on until it feels true to my heart, granted that I won't trade it for anything less important. It does feel great to commit to something. Someone should hold me accountable! 

Saturday, August 22, 2020

New beginnings at challenging times (York. Updated)

Today, the first little crisis struck. 

I became aware that I went from one type of isolation to another.

It's been only 22 days since my arrival, and they say that to get used to new habits and routines you need 21 days at it... Did I get used to it, can I get used to it?

I'll check-in in a week again. Frankly, I spent the first 7 days in York only observing what my new routine could be like... so to be precise, it's been only 2 weeks since the mother in charge left; then the real fun began. It's just me and - let's call her Teal, to protect my girl's identity. She is a bright college student who needs some mobility support - and heaping doses of self-discipline.

I'm not so good with self-discipline myself judging by the amount of sweets I eat, the bottle of red wine I struggle to ration per week, and the clothes lying on my bedroom floor.

There are areas where I excel. Boosting other people's self-esteem, confidence, positive body image, and gratitude to name the obvious. I've also learned to look after myself since I turned 18. I jumped straight into multiple jobs, shift work, vocational studies, paying the bills, and running all errands by myself.

Does Teal struggle with that? Not really... she doesn't have to do any of that.

So I'm wondering... what the hell am I doing here? The carer who doesn't care?

Then there's the city... the charming, little city that I see 2x a week, where they're so strict with social distancing that in a coffee shop full of tables and chairs, you can use 3. And they're all occupied by 1 person sitting at each. It sucks that I still don't have any friends here and that Bumble is so... English? All the guys I matched with seems to be super-cool about social distancing, perhaps never ever meeting face to face at all. Anyway, I was done with dating, wasn't I? I was done with stupid, inauthentic dating games... not with meeting people.

Can this cute city grow on me?

Here I am, sitting in my bedroom on a Saturday afternoon, clutching a cup of tea with oat milk, and staring at the empty street outside of my window in a rainy York, reminiscing about the good ol' times... when I felt alive, free, connected, and useful.

I'll get there. And it'll be like never before.

Sunday, August 9, 2020

No more breaking hearts

I just realized that even if I break my heart again, it doesn't matter.

In fact, with this attitude, it'll probably never happen again.

At least not in the usual awful way. It'll just be what it will be - two people going their separate ways with gratitude for the lessons learned.

Or it'll be love for life the next time around.

I'm copying some updates from my last two newsletters:

Be careful what you wish for.... again.
Isn't it funny how things work out the way we least expect, yet the unexpected feels too familiar not to have been expected?
I found a new man. 
I already mentioned in one of my blog posts that I've encountered a romantic interest while back in the Czech Republic. 
It was sudden, intense, affectionate, emotional and fun, and it is finished.
I don't believe in promises made after a very short time of knowing someone and long-distance romantic relationships are difficult - for me.
My new career offers me a lot more stability and purpose.

The lesson from this new 'heartbreak'? 
It wasn't heartbreaking at all, it was rather heart-opening.
I tasted the kind of feeling I know I deserve to have in a long-term relationship. It was the first time since 10 years ago that I felt an easy emotional connection, safety, and peace with a man. In fact, for the first time ever I felt truly heard and totally seen.
If you ask me how is it possible to create an emotional connection in a matter of days -
-> The answer is always an authentic communication.
Are you afraid of rejection? Of abandonment? Of commitment? -> Communicate all that!
By communicating, we found a way back to one another. In the end, we've established a beautifully honest intimacy. Lovers or friends - I am certain that by listening to my heart, it has led me to both a wonderful person and a wonderful job.
My last weeks in the Czech Republic couldn't have been sunnier
Goodbye Prague, hello York for a year!

I am done with dating.
And I'm not saying it in a bitter manner. I'm merely done with various dating games like - not replying in a timely fashion (a few hours up to a full working day can be understandable, however, a few days? You/I've been too busy to reply for a week?), having unconscious fears of abandonment running the show, or mind-fucks to get each other to bed... I am done with that. In the best way possible.