Working as a carer has its perks. I don't mean disposing of soiled diapers and wiping the damage, but well, that's part of the deal. In fact, every new mother could say the same. You care about the human being you look after so much that it actually hurts you more if they're suffering from bellyache than having to deal with 'accidents' ever so often. Their wellbeing is of the utmost importance to you, whatever it takes.
One of the perks is stability - every day is the same and you know what to expect. Strange, you may think... but given my history of commitment-less life, constant changes and the maximum of unpredictability, this certainty is what I was craving.
Then there are the fun times you and your client share together, the laughs, the tenderness, hugs and evenings spent watching sh#t on the telly. Thank God my elderly lady doesn't care what's on. I don't let her watch the Covid news! Well, sometimes I forget. Then I glimpse and hear too much, become mesmerized by the drama and the ridiculousness and unreliability of it all and just stare at the screen jaw open myself... then I quickly switch the channels. She doesn't care. She has no idea what's going on in the world... maybe that's why I like it here so much. She doesn't brainwash me with the atrocities of the pandemic, the need for me to be careful, self-isolate, wear a mask everywhere and just shut myself out... she's happy... she has far better stuff to reminisce about ... She keeps wondering whether she's only 21... then at times of sanity telling me she's probably 60, maybe 80 and a bit... At other times she pays compliments to all these people joining us at the table or just randomly sitting in places in the living room... "What a handsome man sitting over there." Where? "There..." She points her chin to the sofa. Empty sofa. Okay, dear.
Last night I had a strange dream... three blonde men pursuing me...(all suspiciously looking like Charlie Hunnam). One asked me what's the deal with me, how come I am single, have no children and if I wanted children...? I felt his attraction towards me and the intensity of his eyes... of course, I'd like to make babies with him! But I composed myself and I said that I'll have children when I feel safe...
It sounds funny now that I remember it. But it's totally logical.
The last time I felt safe with a man I was 22. Too young to settle down. Then there is the commitment to a place one needs to make, the responsibility that comes with raising a child into a decent adult. I'd have to have a supportive network around me and feel loved by my husband, the father of the child. Giving feels great and it is my second nature, but the cup requires to be refilled constantly.
Today I completely surrendered the wish to be a mother - someday - to the divine. Nothing in my life happened by chance, it all makes perfect sense now and I trust, I trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should for everyone's highest good. Maybe I'm not supposed to be married, pregnant and raise a child... maybe I'm supposed to be a carer. And that's perfectly fine with me too.