Friday, April 9, 2021

Being a carer

Working as a carer has its perks. I don't mean disposing of soiled diapers and wiping the damage, but well, that's part of the deal. In fact, every new mother could say the same. You care about the human being you look after so much that it actually hurts you more if they're suffering from bellyache than having to deal with 'accidents' ever so often. Their wellbeing is of the utmost importance to you, whatever it takes.

One of the perks is stability - every day is the same and you know what to expect. Strange, you may think... but given my history of commitment-less life, constant changes and the maximum of unpredictability, this certainty is what I was craving. 

Then there are the fun times you and your client share together, the laughs, the tenderness, hugs and evenings spent watching sh#t on the telly. Thank God my elderly lady doesn't care what's on. I don't let her watch the Covid news! Well, sometimes I forget. Then I glimpse and hear too much, become mesmerized by the drama and the ridiculousness and unreliability of it all and just stare at the screen jaw open myself... then I quickly switch the channels. She doesn't care. She has no idea what's going on in the world... maybe that's why I like it here so much. She doesn't brainwash me with the atrocities of the pandemic, the need for me to be careful, self-isolate, wear a mask everywhere and just shut myself out... she's happy... she has far better stuff to reminisce about ... She keeps wondering whether she's only 21... then at times of sanity telling me she's probably 60, maybe 80 and a bit... At other times she pays compliments to all these people joining us at the table or just randomly sitting in places in the living room... "What a handsome man sitting over there." Where? "There..." She points her chin to the sofa. Empty sofa. Okay, dear.

Last night I had a strange dream... three blonde men pursuing me...(all suspiciously looking like Charlie Hunnam). One asked me what's the deal with me, how come I am single, have no children and if I wanted children...? I felt his attraction towards me and the intensity of his eyes... of course, I'd like to make babies with him! But I composed myself and I said that I'll have children when I feel safe...

It sounds funny now that I remember it. But it's totally logical. 

The last time I felt safe with a man I was 22. Too young to settle down. Then there is the commitment to a place one needs to make, the responsibility that comes with raising a child into a decent adult. I'd have to have a supportive network around me and feel loved by my husband, the father of the child. Giving feels great and it is my second nature, but the cup requires to be refilled constantly.

Today I completely surrendered the wish to be a mother - someday - to the divine. Nothing in my life happened by chance, it all makes perfect sense now and I trust, I trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should for everyone's highest good. Maybe I'm not supposed to be married, pregnant and raise a child... maybe I'm supposed to be a carer. And that's perfectly fine with me too.

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

How to silence the outside world and think for yourself...


Let's be a little sceptical today...

Don't you sometimes wish to silence all the noise out there? 
Even if it's just in your head. I mean, we hear so much input from so called gurus and experts, and while a lot of what they say is sound and may be fine to hear if you don't normally introspect, it can be very unhelpful if you do, and you like thinking outside of the box.
If you're accustomed to meditating and journalling regularly and you're an avid reader - you already play with the fire of information overload!
Everybody's got something to say. Especially, during this pandemic. Mostly, it's the media that feeds us a lot of unnecessary data. It serves to instil fear within us and makes conforming the only logical response.

It's too much. Too much advice out there and it just makes me wonder where has our common sense gone, where is the whisper of our intuition and mainly, how can we even hear it if we keep listening to other people's opinion? Can't we just admit that the current affairs are getting more and more ridiculous?

Regarding relationship guidance. Do we really need someone to tell us when to text, when not to text, how to ask someone out or when to sleep with them? Should we take the guru's words literally and apply them universally?

Come on!
Everyone is so different. If you wanted to date me, I bet that there is no manual out there that would help you get me. No exact rules apply to me and no book would tell you how to work your magic on me bulletproofly. Just think for yourself, feel into your heart, and give it your best shot.
Thank you for being original! X

Friday, April 2, 2021

My UK comeback's finally worth it

The last 5 days have been my happiest days this year so far.

I left the placement in Dronfield and got a new client in Greater Manchester. The moment I saw her, I knew that we'd get on super well. This elderly lady is like a much sweeter version of my own grandmother. The live-in work demands all my focus, as expected, but it's also been smooth and filled with adequate downtime so I can work on my own stuff. I've been enjoying it a lot! The days here are hilarious and rewarding too. 

In a little over a week, I'm back in Yorkshire, places will be open, and I'm ready to party! I'm joking. I'm just happy that it's becoming warmer and sunnier, and the outdoors has always remained open and accessible, even during this deceptive pandemic.

I'm sharing more of my 'light' on Insta these days, so tune in for some spiritual wisdom! @pavlinalioness

Monday, March 29, 2021

It's always the darkest before the dawn

I've been feeling into the recent changes, new commitments, my conscious choice not to numb myself, the inevitable breakdowns that followed, and recovering the will to move forward. Is that what they mean by adulting?

I feel everything these days, maybe it's because I don't drink alcohol to numb, ward off my thoughts and emotions as something to be ashamed of. I don't get a foggy brain from too much flour and sugar, and I don't go hunting for men to exchange a sense of a deep loss for superficial climaxes.

I committed to my employment as a carer and my calling of a healer and life coach. At least for now, I'm fully in.

Commitments have always seemed scary to me. I've been the type who had one foot in, one foot out. Since I preached to become my best coach and client - I decided to place both my feet in one direction. I started aligning with my highest values despite seeing such little evidence of those virtues in my life. Like unconditional love, honesty, stability, and family. I must start creating those with the hope that these ideals exist.

Let's get to the point of today's post.

The best thing about managing a blog that you write and not censor is that you can speak a lot of bullshit to cover up your mistakes and present only a one-sided story!

What is the truth behind all this mess I found myself in? Why am I suddenly so adamant to change? The breakup wasn't a surprising event. My lack of commitment in the past drove all men mad and in the end, away from me. The potential (good) relationships collapsed because I kept pushing love away and showed my non-committal, hot and cold side the most. Self-defence, maybe. And also so frickin' childish from me. I literally committed to no thing, no place, and no person. And the boy knew it too. Would those qualities look attractive to me in a man? Nope.

I must stay present. It's too easy to drift off and imagine myself de-stressing on a beach in Tulum or dancing to shamanic beats in Bali. It would be doable to pack my bag and leave even during this pandemic. But I've been reacting in that manner all my life. The hardest part is to observe and FEEL that it's not been working out for me well. It's psychosis-inducing to feel like there's no ground beneath my feet, I'm so lost to the point where I think it's all a big nightmare and hopefully, I'll wake up soon. The breakup and disappearance of someone I thought I loved shattered my illusions about what could be possible in my love life. I can’t have it all? Now I want to find the line between big dreams and practicalities, and crush it.

By staying present and focused, the sense of what's possible for me, even if it's with someone else, is coming back. I still occasionally spiral down the dark pitch where I blame myself for everything, but as they say - it takes two to tango. Some of his actions - or no actions - prompted my old wounds to open and shit ensued. If you know what the other person can't stand, then stop doing it. Well, he likes his space, so I'm focusing on my own. I'm creating space for someone who’ll appreciate that I've lived, loved and learned. I've done the hardest part - I uncovered my shadow, loved the unloved parts of myself, accepted them, and worked on feeling worthy of having both freedom and stability too.

It's always the darkest before the dawn they say. A week ago, I crumbled in front of my male friend on Skype, sobbing that I could use advice from masculine energy to give me a sense of direction. He stopped me in my tracks. He said: "You traveled back to the UK with the intention to get back together with someone who doesn't deserve you, you committed to the work that you know it's not your destination but it can finance your business... How's that for direction?" 

It was so incredibly empowering. He was right. I can do this. For a few months at least, before I fully heal and will be financially strong to move on to a full-time holistic career. And the right man? Well, he'll appear when I commit to releasing the past and all the blocks that prevent me from believing that I can experience genuine love.

Bloody full moon in Libra!

"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back." - Florence + The Machine

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Self-healing with dance, fun, and pleasure

I've never heard anyone say: "Wow, this was so much fun, I felt too much pleasure, let's not have this much fun again please!" Said no one ever. But some people might feel that way. Not me.

These days it’s perhaps better to have an all-or-nothing mindset.

In my case, I'm not interested in just fun. There are men who are intriguing enough to satisfy both my imagination when it comes to sex and even the thought that perhaps they have something valuable to offer long-term.

Meanwhile, have plenty of fun on your own. I'm not addressing only self-pleasuring, but that too. I’ve been busy exploring my surroundings lately. Recent trips to Knaresborough and Brimham Rocks were my favorite. What magical places! And next week my work will bring me into yet another uncharted  territory.

If you’re somewhere too familiar, get creative, especially, if you’re single. Reach out to your friends and take mini trips. It's kinda funny if you know people who avidly follow pornstars and sexy plus-size models on Instagram, yet they wouldn’t even text a horny girl next door who used to be a sex worker... just saying. Watching ‘fun’ is not the same as being proactive and creating it! Get busy.

I'm healing. While lingering in small remnants of grief might not be the right place to fall in love again, just yet, it is the perfect place to bring more joy and pleasure into my life. Whatever that may look like. Dancing my heart and my butt out is pretty satisfying too!

Then there are the little things. Like sipping a quality oat mocha from Love Brownies shop in the Harrogate town center, sitting in front of a row of beautiful Primroses, and watching life go by. Bliss...

Friday, March 19, 2021

When you're torn between the head and the heart / sense and sensibility

Yes, the masculine and the feminine are completely different.

But they can communicate and hear each other out.

This is a mega healing exercise from two hours ago, and admittedly, it's a little out there! lol. Enjoy:

After my late dance workout, I noticed that I've felt much better, alive, more confident, and ready to screw all the recent bullshit I was going through and the unending grief that kept me paralyzed. In fact, I was ready to move to Mexico the next week! Or perhaps Costa Rica. 

Or was I?

As I was looking at my face in the mirror, it was spotting this uncanny smirk... I felt weirdly attracted to it, but I also despised it. I looked like a woman who was bitchy, ready to fuck and not give a fuck - something like that. However, it was only the left half of my face... 

At first, it looked sexy-ish, a slight smile just to the one side of the face, and a twinkle in the eye, also only on the left side... and so I began observing what was going on with the right side. Again, at first, I assumed I had some post-workout happy-sweaty expression, I also cried a bit (dance has me spill out all the emotions within me), so my mascara was all over, my hair was dishevelled, and the grin just topped the funny look. so... I did a little test, I hid the right half of the face with my hand and just observed my left - feminine - side. It looked suggestive and ruthless, then I switched hands and uncovered my right - masculine - side... it was stoic. Absolutely emotionless expression and what the fuck, I tried to smile with the corner of my mouth and it didn't move! It couldn't go upward - it wasn't able to smile! Moreover, the eye looked empty. I felt empty. It freaked me out.

I sat down on the mat, my head in my hands.... am I having a stroke? No. I knew that there was a conflict within me... what was up?

I covered my feminine eye, and I felt into the masculine. Initially, I felt stillness and peace, no-mind, so I dropped down into the heart chakra... What are you feeling my dear man? And him - I - began to sob! Very masculine style of sobbing when you're not completely breaking down, and you're not even obsessively thinking or knowing why you're crying, but the tears are just streaming. So I split myself in three. It was the woman (we'll get to her), the man and me - the higher self. I embraced myself and stroked my arms and in between sobs I was reassuring the man that I and her are here to hold him... I didn't ask any further questions.

I shifted places and I covered the masculine and inquired into my feminine... Why were you sneering my dear and what is it that you want? The woman in me, definitely the most dominating essence of my being, sometimes completely ruining my life... told me that she wants to go someplace far away from T. (Chris), that she's done with him, and she's ready to go and let loose... and then the man stepped in and whispered: She's running away from rejection. But she cannot escape it till she accepts it and heals. She'll keep forever escaping herself. It's not the first time and won't be the last time if she goes. 

I knew. The woman there suddenly feels into her heart... and she feels this pang, it's hollow, hurts like hell and she knows she's so scared of pain, so so scared of another breakup happening in the future... she just wants to run and be free of this pain. She's broken and she thinks that fun will 'fix' her. She doesn't shed a tear, yet she calms down...

I go back to the masculine and I ask him... What would you advise her? Can you help her? Hold her safe? Help her find stillness, you're so good with it... Again, my masculine communicates without too many words or emotions... it just gives me deep inner wisdom and knowing... He tells me that I - us - need to find my focus first. And that I can do it wherever I am, even here in the UK. That I must heal and forgive myself first.

I missed Chris so much, but I was also angry at him, the feminine in me was. The masculine in me surprised me with its compassion and a newly discovered sensibility.

I go to my woman for the last time and I feel completely different energy... she's heard her companion. He used to seem oppressive to her, always too practical and full of orders and restrictions upon her... but now she sees that he also saved her from trouble so many times before. She's willing to listen. And at least wait with booking the flight tickets until next week. The man is very confident that some happy news and new opportunities (and more thought) will come up this weekend. Yes, she feels more positive too. 

My conflicted sides embrace and make peace and decide on holding their horses. No deadline for healing. But it must be done before any move happens. Breakups suck but they must be felt and dealt with fully. I nearly felt my jawline relaxing and my face evening out...

Well, my higher self is saying - we can still go to Mexico! But perhaps not on Monday. LET'S DEVISE A LONG-TERM PLAN FIRST.


Thursday, March 18, 2021

I'm determined to be my own best client and coach

Why do we seek advice from others? Because they see things clearer than we do?
Others simply keep us accountable for our actions or non-actions. Your friend or personal coach is not afraid to call you out on your bullshit. You know where you err... so are you gonna do something about it?

What better way to market myself as a life coach than getting my life back together and lead by example. The journey is the destination. Where was I a fraud? I am determined to give myself everything I'm worthy of, everything I need and desire first. I uncovered my bullshit, and I'm done regretting past choices. My current pain is the make or break moment that will help me understand others at crossroads far better!

I can start coaching before I become perfect because I'm an example of getting back on track when shit hits the fan. I'm setting boundaries in relationships/friendships, keeping an optimistic outlook, keep eating clean, exercising daily, and breaking addictions - I'm living what I preach.

I'm now giving myself permission to date someone healthy for me in due time who'll treat me right. Someone who'll truly see us together long-term. A stable, generous, down to earth, supportive, happy, healthy, eligible bachelor soo in love with me. 

And of course, him being a little weird is okay since I’m not completely normal either!
I'm going to stop in my tracks as soon as I spot red flags. There were soooo many with Chris, I even wrote them down! This is not a good time to focus on a person's potential. He wasn't a client paying for that. I had to acknowledge the reality that he'd never invest much thought in his growth, to begin with. I was addicted to digging for pleasure where there was an overwhelming pain.
This one is tough to break, but addictions are.

I’ve never before understood that I had to be my own best coach and client first. I always knew the transformation theory, but I wasn't keeping myself accountable for staying on track even when shit hit the ceiling. Funny.
Well, it's never too late to start correcting my own steps!