I am a blend of light and dark

Christmas home away from home.
What is 'home' anyway?
Yesterday, I placed a ceramic heart above my Balinese bed that reads "Home is where the heart is".
In that sense, Bali feels like home to me. I love the local people and their polite customs. The icing on the cake is that my spiritual part gets a free rein here.
I'm not judged for using or liking expressions such are:
"The Universe knows what you ordered."
"Are you in the flow?"
"Pray to your Goddess"
"It's pure, conscious bliss" or "Getting high on ceremonial cacao"
Cheesy perhaps, but you'd know what I mean if you stepped into any of the new age workshops in Ubud!

Sitting in the Zest cafe, I am now sure that Ubud is my happy place... and Bali is the safe place.

This island of Gods protects me and brings back faith, faith that all is well and love is all around.

(Let alone there are no poisonous snakes, spiders or treacherous crocodiles.)

A yoga teacher came up to me two days ago to ask if I was OK... "Yeah, sorry, I am so distracted, I arrived yesterday but I've still not 'arrived'."
Verena was very understanding and intuitive, telling me to not compare my practice to what it used to be like, and instead work with where I'm at now... "Be gentle with yourself..."

Work with where you're at now... wow, wonderful.
Yes, I've changed. What a roller coaster back in the West! Much crap occurred in my life in the last 6 months away from Bali. The last two months took the biggest toll on me... I'm not regretful. I believe that everything is unfolding perfectly and perhaps it was necessary to experience the intensity of the contrasting worlds of the East and the West so I finally stop apologizing for who I am. A blend of light and dark.

The Bali peeps vary (This time I am not talking about the native Balinese), and of course, not all of the tourists here understand us, spirit junkies (a term coined by Gabrielle Bernstein).
Sometimes, it may seem that the local expats compete among each other who is more evolved or connected. Or do I perceive it that way only right before my period? My PMS still makes the irritable woman come out of me in all her glory.
Clearly, not all of my parts 'belong' here in spiritual terms - I have no problems admitting that I might not be the most evolved and connected person who walks through Ubud.
Yet, I am an Earth angel and posses a certain wisdom to which I draw those who need guidance in this colorful world. Despite my self-deprecation and tendencies for isolating, I get recognized by some of the well-known veterans and powerful healers here in Ubud, and it warms my heart.

At times I think that no amount of visits to healing huts, self-development seminars and immersive retreats could truly help me. I am unfixable at my worst, and laughing at it at my best.


Wherever I am, I need to keep up with my well-being/spiritual practises; Like, yoga every day, being gentle with myself and mostly, healthy eating and drinking.
I'd like to give myself credit for the near-daily meditations which I was fitting into my stressful days.
I think I would have ended up in a lot worse state otherwise.

On the other hand, I realize that how I feel about Bali is not a question of belonging, or of who is more spiritual. If I don't want to compare myself with the people in Yogabarn, I don't have to go there. If it is not in my best interest to avoid the place physically, because I do get a lot out of the various classes and workshops, then I just don't go into the comparing emotionally. Just don't.

I love that the spiritual people who frequent Ubud tend to be emotionally honest. And I love honesty more than anything else in the world. Texting my friend to ask if I'll see her at an ecstatic dance tonight, she responds that no, she needs a quiet space as she's going through some grief....
All that's needed to react to that message is: "Understood. All the best, honey. We shall see us when we're both ready x"
To keep up with the honesty spirit, last night's cacao ceremony was mediocre and the chocolate too sweet and coconuty. Hadn't it been for my eyes feasting on the handsome host with his sexy voice, I would have left the gathering.

2019 tested me in the best ways possible. Thank you, Universe, for that.
"Let the fire burn all doesn't serve, let it purify my heart... I let go..."
2020 is my year to settle and to shine.