New chapter

I'd like to write a post titled: How to feel like 20 again.

but... 33 is not too bad either. It's different! I don't chase boys, nor recite my parent's opinions anymore and I don't give in to every sugar craving prompting me to snack on sweets 10x a day.

[I successfully reduced it to 1x-2x a day. A sweet protein shake for brekki and one chocolate square (or three) sometime later. ha!]

If I was 20 years old, I'd probably walk downstairs right now and join in for the fun. I'm staying in a hotel in Scarborough, recovering from a minor medical procedure. The 3 lads downstairs are - ehm, impossible to ignore! Last night was spent shouting: Shut the fuck up assholes! to no avail until midnight. Afterward, I had an amazing unbroken sleep till 7:30. Yes, not too bad. This evening seems to be the same... I'll save my breath. Again, if I was 20, I'd walk downstairs and demanded some of their beers and splifs and hoped I'd look so cool in their eyes.

Oh well, I'm not 20 anymore.

I've done my private ecstatic dance in this 3m² and now I'm enjoying some red wine. Alone. They're still talking and laughing. I can hear everything through the paper-thin walls, yet it's not as annoying as the previous 2 nights. I'm too lazy to go and introduce myself, I don't feel like a splif, and I... think... I've got a boyfriend now, so... I'm less curious to see who's partying below my room. I also know that I'll get some sleep regardless and then have an inevitable wake up call at 7:30 am when they get up for work. At least I'll manage to pack and set off on my next adventure. That's what matters. 

I've unburdened myself on all levels possible. Physical, emotional, and spiritual. I left the job that was sucking the life out of me, I removed myself from stress and pressure and underappreciation and I embraced the unknown. I know I'm meant to heal as many people as possible - those who are ready and have the means to seek me out. I'm available and I'm willing. I released the false premise of security. It was only an illusion disguising control, coercion, and staying small and stuck in this increasingly ill world. I'm not talking about corona - that is a symptom of how sick we've become as a nation full of brainwashed sheep.

I'll write more about my take on the pandemic next time ... I'm grateful that, thank god, I didn't give in the collective fear despite my whole family contracting COVID. Their sound mind and lack of panic pulled them through. The media don't tell you all the truth.

I'm free. We're all free if we want to. We must trust our higher selves unconditionally.

Is the fear of rejection running the show?

Never have I ever shown the full capacity of my love to anyone. Possibly not even to myself.

Naturally, I've been attracting men who know that they will not need to worry about my smothering them with affection, because - I'm just too cool for that. What they don't know is that I'm too afraid of rejection and abandonment to commit. 

The men I date have no idea how to show feelings either. I provide a safe haven for their stalling. It makes the relationship comfortable. A little frustrating too. Yet we both perpetuate a slight drama, perhaps touching on childhood wounds of abandonment and love withdrawal where it all started. Now we're re-creating a sense of familiarity and a vicious cycle of settling for the same thing that never worked. One thing is texting him that I'm in love with him, and completely another is to show it to him - or - want to stay with him for that matter.

Love is not enough.

Many relationship experts, like Esther Perell or Matthew Hussey, say the same thing. You need more than love for one another to make something work. Willingness, compactibility, the same values and trust as some of the fundamentals.

And then there is the Russian saying that I like: Love won't feed you.

Indeed, to love someone doesn't imply that you trust them, want to stay with them, marry them, or protect them and support them. What is to love when it is not a promise of undying feelings and togetherness? That's the million-dollar question.

I know that I love Bali.... but would I want to settle down and live there? Probably not. 

I love my protege - Am I willing to look after her for longer than I need to? Uhm, no.

So what does love propose, if anything?

Love is not a commitment.

And love is not an attachment...

I'm inquiring into my heart because the last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. 

I wish he would have met me at the time I felt more empowered. But my past work would have not offered fertile grounds for a romance. Not a healthy one anyway.

I'm transitioning, finding a new purpose, yet the global pandemic is affecting my mental health.

I'm not the one to adopt the false assurance of victimhood. I hate excuses for not living your best life and I never want to succumb to complacency. I never identified myself as a victim and I'm not going to. That being said, stress does get to me and I act out of control if it's left unchecked! Checking I do, but realistically, I'm an intuitive, sensitive, spiritual sponge and even the grim British weather has the power to backstab me.

Still, I manage to get up and go... I'm just wondering if he's a part of those next steps. Possibly more empowered steps, not back into the past, but into the future where I WON'T let my fears run the show. Mainly, not the fear of rejection. I'm tired of living half a life, half a romance and half a career.

To top it off, he still acts like love is a dirty word... let's avoid the topic, "let's not lose our minds"

Well, I know it's early days. Let me just say that even though sometimes I love you, and sometimes I don't feel anything, I can still leave you and I expect the same freedom of choice for you too... Does that make the situation easier now, darling?

Emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence. 

Something they don't teach at schools, yet it's quintessential of a decent human being.

I argued with the 'parents' today... 

I've never taken a course of non-violent communication, but I can just imagine that's what I've been striving for when finally breaching the weeks-long silence... As we were deep amidst the arguing, I felt like saying: Well done, let's get it off of our chests, let it pour, let it get the light of the day... the festering period, the silent rage is not doing anyone any good.

I didn't know how to communicate with my own parents. I was a teenager when I left. Silently, without any explanation. The theme carried on, even when we superficially reconciled.... we just tolerated one another and desperately tried to avoid any conflict. Right, a conflict would have been perceived as bad... For that matter, we tiptoed around one another or retrieved to our perspective caves if a storm was on the horizon... and let me tell you, there's always a storm on the horizon when things are left unsaid. 

I got tired of walking on eggshells.

With this family, I have a chance to start anew. Start bold, fresh, true to myself, leave no stone unturned. 

We argued, we said stuff, we raised voices, I cried, we understood the other, we yielded, we grieved, we listened... we settled.

The storm was over, a rainbow appeared.

It's not wrong to argue. Quite the opposite. Only now I'm learning the 'how-to'.

A typical Ubudian be like...

Recently, I watched a video called: My impression of a typical Ubudian...

It was hilarious.

Yes, I recognized many people that I've come across in Ubud, Bali! And some of my non-Bali friends said they recognized me, which I thought was a little mean 👿

While the video clip was amusing, it was obviously a little exaggerated. We're not all like that, definitely not, God help.

So, let me set the record straight.

There are two types of women and two types of men who frequent this spiritual place. Of course, you get the odd ones out and also absolute exceptions - like curious tourists and families with kids. But those who live there or consider themselves regular visitors, boy, can they be easily spotted!

The first type is women who are little nuts, maybe self-proclaimed spirit junkies, want to heal their inner child and get re-acquainted with their inner lover - generally, not interested in a physical lover - just yet. Their Ubudian experience is all about healing and coming back to themselves. It may involve yoga, meditation, and dance - but it's not a must.

The other type is women who read/watched Eat, Pray Love one too many times and they're there to heal their burnout or depression using whatever modality they can. While they're running from a workshop to a workshop, they also hope to find a big love across the street, just like Elizabeth Gilbert did. However, this combo is impossible. After all, even Liz in the movie went on a many months-long silent retreat to India first. You simply won't find 'the one' until you heal and become at peace. Otherwise, you'll be meeting another broken soul, your mirror. That may, nevertheless, be a part of the healing journey too.

With guys, it's simple. You've got the needy ones, those who know very well that Ubud is 70% females, there'll be ecstatic dances, tantric workshops etc. Of course, these guys are happy to share their vulnerabilities in the opening circle if it means that they could rub all over you during a tantric contact dance that follows. I couldn't believe I was being ground on and I even paid for it! For the entrance fee. These guys are a nuisance and won't add much value to your life.

Then you've got those who, as we say back home, ate the wisdom of the entire Universe. The Universe says we ought to be all raw foodists, walk barefoot and have shaved off hair or never cut it off. They know the truth. God spoke to them. Probably during a mushroom trip or other psychedelics. They never wash, because come on, washing is water wastage and for people dependent on more than they need. Additionally, cosmetics are full of toxins - never use it. Brush your teeth with siwak - a tree stick, and don't use any toothpaste, deodorant, soap, or shampoo, unless you made it from corn starch and baking soda yourself. If you eventually venture out among the other hippies, make sure you look at them as if you see right through them, and don't forget to part by saying that someone's projecting and need to seriously work on themselves.

Just my private thoughts...

Cheers to stereotyping!

I can't figure out how to post the clip, but check out @_.kobrin on Instagram.

My humble profile is here: @pavlinalioness

All things must come to an end. But not so soon.

I'm seeing that this week has been all about listening to the body... The body wanted more food than usual, it wanted a different type of exercise - mostly just necessary bicycle journeys and slower-paced danced moves (cannot call that an exercise) - and it craved wine.... A lot of wine. Moreover, it cried a lot. 

It's not even my period week. But the tears just keep pouring... So much has become clear and I'm still wrapping my head around all the revelations. 

You know that I'm all about trusting the messages of the body and just rolling with it. If you're insomniac, you understand what I mean. Sometimes the body has a mind of its own. We can console it, kid to it, try to bargain, but it just does its thing. For a change, I've been sleeping okay in the past few weeks, which I believe is due to the fact that I stopped resisting... I stopped resisting new challenges, new responsibilities, falling in love and the way my body wants to be. The crying is relieving on a whole new level.

I've been speaking in riddles in here.

I never clarified that Teal became 'my baby'. I got so attached to her. Like my blonde princess whom I loved checking upon, a stubborn teenager loving her technology and head-banging to music so loud in her headphones that I could be knocking on her door forever or just enter her room unnoticed, I loved cooking for her, engaging in our warm conversations during dinnertime or her out-of-nowhere hugs. But she's never been my baby, to begin with. She's always been the baby of her parents, and I'd be always someone expected to comply with their rules and report back to them.

So when she finally told me today that she's never been cool with me getting a boyfriend and staying overnight elsewhere once a week, reminding me that I broke all the rules... I realized that things have definitely not been as peachy as they appeared.

Maybe I should ask my mum if drinking 1,5 bottles of wine in 3 days is normal.

I knew that the things here were just a product of my naive mind.

I knew it would come to the end. June... or some other month... it doesn't matter. 

I love that my body has been sensing major shifts before they even occurred.

Damn, you ladybug sign... I trust you have bigger plans for me. After all, hasn't it been for Teal, I'd never know how much I could love someone else's child and be a devoted mum to it.

But I'm not leaving yet. Not now when I'm all committed and starting to love this sense of stability. Compromises will have to be made.

Love, whether temporary or ever-lasting, it's good and nourishing for the heart

This is going to be a very straight-forward post, and super honest, just like I love to speak and write! 😆

Esther Perel mentioned in her interview with Lewis Howes that there are two types of romantic partners... With the first type, we could have a really great love story, whereas with the other - we could write a life story.

Here's a potential love story.

I found someone. Someone perfect for now, for this time of healing, of changing seasons, shedding of old skin and armour, for the era of masked-up faces, social distancing hindering new connections, time of longing for hugs, affection and exciting encounters, for this period of the most phantasmagorical crisis in modern history.... so dangerous for our mental health and wellbeing that there are no words to describe the actual consequences. And, he's going through that with me.

Isn't it ironic how our instincts can tell if someone is perfect for now, but definitely not for later... or perfect for later but not for now? My first and probably only real relationship years ago felt like the latter. He was the ideal man, a husband material fit for an amazing life story, and even as a 21-year-old, I knew that someday he'd make the best father to his future children. But at that age, perfection for later meant nothing to me. I wanted to live to the max right there and then, to travel, meet other people and get to know myself. It was the wrong timing for us. He's still in my life as a friend who's always there for me, thankfully. For the last 12 years, I haven't met anyone like him, yet leaving him helped me grow. Now I'd kill for a settled man like that.

This new guy, let's call him Chris, is... perfect for now. I'm making it work for me for I promised myself to never sabotage myself again. I'd not want to switch things up just because I think ahead more than I embody the present moment. That approach should have been embraced before - Had I stayed present 12 years ago, I would have seen a man who was making me feel safe, precious and loved every day. If I stay present now, I'm seeing a fairly effortless connection based on a fascination with our differences and mutual attraction, and it feels good. He's lovable, just not quite ready to give more of himself.

Another reason why I'm staying involved despite Chris's emotional unavailability is that I don't want to be alone at this time of global crises. Judge me as you wish. I've spent more years as single and alone than in relationships so... I yearn to stand beside someone. There's not even any better fit in my social circle right now. I just moved to York. My circle consists of 3 people. Women.

This budding relationship reminds me of Adam. The Australian affair that I blogged about 3-4 years ago. While I was getting over a big heartbreak, I struck a connection with a man who was just crossing the street. We exchanged numbers, had one innocent date after which I rejected him, and then we accidentally bumped into each other a coupla months later again. It turned into a sexual friendship lasting 5 months. We visited bars and restaurants to eat and each other's homes to f#ck. No social activities, no deep talk, I don't even remember sensual kissing or holding hands. It was easy, monogamous must be said, unemotional and I dare to say that it was good for me. I felt no pressure, it was heart-warming in its own way and helpful for forgetting my ex.

Then Adam moved out of Brisbane and I found J... a nice love story. Despite him being perfectly emotionally available, affectionate, kind, hot and always a safe refuge, he wasn't, and still isn't, physically available. Perfect for then, perfect for later, but unlikely.

Now back to October 2020. I'm casually seeing Chris and it's been a tender and interesting learning experience. I have no doubt that I've grown into a loving woman who's nevertheless looking for a reliable mate for life. He ought to be just as ready as. This current practice is preparing me for the big life story yet to be written. Why am I feeling it in my bones? Because I'm no longer rejecting people and things that feel good and nourishing to my heart.  (Hello, kale).

You're not lost, but only a dead fish goes with the flow...

I took a break from my weekend newsletter last week. In 30 weeks I've done this twice! Maybe it's time to pick a workday and stop treating my writing and musing only as my weekend side hustle and turn it into serious work. And work is done during the business week.

So many things have been on my mind lately, no wonder that there's no time to sleep with all this must-do pondering in my head! Honestly, there's a whole book up there and it won't write itself without my pausing and making my ideas a reality. Writing is still love and it helps so much when I can settle my thoughts in this way. It's a joy sharing it.

A friend of mine recently referred to himself and I as two lost souls... I gotta admit that a certain resistance bubbled up inside of me.
Lost... I've been there. But, am I still there?

What does it mean to be lost? To not have short term goals? A stable job? To not own your own house? To be single and looking? To be in a relationship and feeling confused?
Why do we always doubt ourselves and our journey? Why should there be a particular path that is the opposite of lostness? Is there a recipe for foundness?
If there is one, in my experience, it's this: Lose yourself in the deepest darkest abysses of your soul, try everything there is to try, confuse yourself to the point that you don't know who you are anymore, get rid of all material possessions, grieve over the people who came and went, pitty yourself for your smallness and then.... instead of letting it go... just welcome it. Look at yourself in the mirror and welcome what you see with an open heart and an open mind. Welcome this place of lostness, the ground zero, welcome it with joy! Laugh at your seeming shortcomings, at your colourful past, at your random way of living your amazing life, and welcome the unknown. No one quite knows who you are unless you tell them who. Rewrite your story. Creating from nothing is oftentimes the most profound. Lost is the new found.

Boldly follow your confusion! That's the green light you've been waiting for.

Yes, I'd like a tangible sense of direction, break down my long term goal into short-term goals and these into small baby steps.
In conclusion, I could use that Master degree to get myself where I want to be in 5, 10 years... Read about the energy of fear dictating the outcome of even the best of the best decisions we make here: https://www.lovelifeanew.com/blog-1

The excuse that we shouldn't chase after anything and just savour the moment? My current job is here to be savoured any day... in fact, it is so flexible that I could get bored with the empty gaps in between. I love my job and I was made for it. I just fancy an extra venture. A creative self-expression with a long-term perspective. I can do anything - work and study, I can do everything I set my mind to.

Going with the flow and adjusting to life events as they randomly happen or - creating by default the things that we want to happen?
Are those mutually exclusive? Does the latter mean that life wouldn't present us with any surprises? Does influencing our destiny require sticking to a timetable and never detour the entire lifetime?
For that, I need some serious mindset shifts!

What would your life look life if you trusted the people who cross your path without a seed of doubt?

We must trust our hunches.... moreover, the body never lies.... keep checking with your body frequently.

Keep weaving the web - How seeing the bigger picture helps.

If what you wanted doesn't feel all so 'juiceyyy'... but it's exactly what you need, and you know it deep down, keep at it! It'll change, things will fall into place and it will feel right.

So just hang on in there a little longer, embody your higher self, trust, believe, be patient... recognize your resistance, perhaps even an addiction to the familiar misery.

Don't go there.

Detach, see the bigger picture, find balance, trust that everything's unfolding perfectly. Like the spider weaving its web so assuredly.

Every little thing you do has consequences.

"Spiders gifts include – creativity and weavers of fate, the balance between past and future, physical and spirit, male and female. Their bodies are shaped like the number 8 and they have 8 legs, symbolising infinite possibilities of creation. Spider weaves her web, we weave our realities. Spider reminds us that we create many of the situations in our lives. We have the power to create what happens in our lives – to us and to others. But we must realise this. The choices we make coupled with our attitude – very powerful stuff.

If the spider has caught you in its web, then look with-in and with-out to see the web you are weaving in your life. Are you content? Are things going well in your life? If things are good, Good! Think about the attitude/choices that have gotten you where you are today, creating positive situation and continue!

Sometimes we don’t have the spider’s ability to see our lives as a whole. So often we meet conflict in our lives, not sure how to integrate desires and paths, which seem to oppose one another. So if the Spider has entered your life, it is here to teach you something(s). One of these things is to attune yourself to the energy of the Weaver. You can then begin to see that many of the inner dividing walls that seem to separate aspects of your life are not as solid as they appear. You may be able to see that by looking at things differently, barriers can disappear and that your life can be viewed in a more integrated way. You may also realise that the webs you weave need not be sources of entanglement, but a network of roads to travel.

Spiders are actually very delicate, embodying the energy of gentleness, and generally aren’t aggressive unless defending their lives. Moving forward whatever the situation, with a gentle strength, is a skill that often needs to be learned by those with this power animal."

By Ina Woolcott

http://www.shamanicjourney.com/?s=spider

Committing to commitments

Squirrel Spirit Animal

By Ina Woolcott

"The idea that there are obstacles that can't be overcome is not part of Squirrel’s outlook on life, nor is giving up. Squirrel is an almighty power animal to have any time when you feel you have reached a dead-end in your life, or in a situation and ready to give up. We are shown that perseverance and the readiness to try different methods are the keys to success.

 – it can also mean being as flexible as Squirrel when it comes to allowing and starting change.

When squirrels prepare for the winter, they gather only what they require. This teaches us the importance of letting go/getting rid of unnecessary physical objects, and also negative beliefs, emotions, and memories which limit our faith in love and abundance. We need to lighten our load, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

As busy as these animals are, they always have time to play. This teaches us that there IS time for everything in life, that the balance between work, play, rest, and contemplation is essential to our overall feeling of wellbeing and harmony. We are reminded that on our journeys to fulfill our goals, it is vital to make time for play and socializing.

Ask yourself are you too active, not active enough, too afraid, or hung up on accumulating and collecting. Squirrel people can sometimes be a little erratic, trying to do many things at once. Take the time to stop, listen, and to heed your inner self.

Don’t forget to play, no matter what age you are! Don’t have too much on your plate at any one time.

Squirrels are very trusting and are one of the few (wild) animals that will eat out of a person’s hand. This symbolizes a need to let down your defenses, and to learn to trust more, remember that you will be taken care of."

I knew that the last 3 squirrels I noticed on 3 different occasions while brooding over my new circumstances meant something.

I gave my word that I'd stick with this work for one year, respectively 10 months. So now I have 9 more to go. That's not a lot.

Too many times in my life I intended to stick with major decisions that I knew were healthy for me and would yield positive results over time. But I gave up. 

I made commitments more than I care to count, e.g. never start dead-end relationships, leave spirit-sucking jobs, diminish unhealthy lifestyle - including toxic environments, soulless food, and drinks, sleepless nights partying or worrying, and the many promises to myself to never escape my emotions again... I had a few goes at it and then dropped it. In the end, I learned to listen to my intuition and thus avoid most of the above.

There wouldn't be so many 'startovers', have I just stuck with my best intentions to commit to what's good for me.  

No commitment is the same. If we intend to break it, get honest with yourself first and foremost.

When it comes to mundane commitments like giving up sugar for good, I seem to get distracted. I reduced it to natural sugar, but once or twice a month I sin, yet the Earth keeps on spinning and my weight stays stable.

A commitment not to ever drink coffee is also unsustainable, and little does depend on whether I stick to it or indulge once in a while. Most of the information out there is confusing and unfounded. I normally crave extra caffeine in the second half of my cycle. I experience estrogen drop, loss of energy, and more muscle fatigue. Even then, I'd have one cup a day and it's gotta be just the right brew not to make me jittery. Come my period, I naturally wean off of it for the next 2 weeks or so.

Regarding wine, the only commitment I must/want to make is that I won't use it as a tool to numb myself. I need to first feel the full weight of those feelings that irritate me and I must deal with them as an adult, accept my responsibility for creating certain situations, and for not managing too well. I commit to not reaching for a drink every time I desire a little thrill. I want a party, not a pity party. 

Ideas for when we want to relax: Try a little nap, have a calming tea, have an energizing tea, a tiny snack, or masturbate.

Michael Neil says: There aren't enough cookies in the world to make us feel happy and loved. Cheers to that!

My commitment to working as a carer for Teal in York, UK is still on, and it will be on until it feels true to my heart, granted that I won't trade it for anything less important. It does feel great to commit to something. Someone should hold me accountable! 

New beginnings at challenging times (York. Updated)

Today, the first little crisis struck. 

I became aware that I went from one type of isolation to another.

It's been only 22 days since my arrival, and they say that to get used to new habits and routines you need 21 days at it... Did I get used to it, can I get used to it?

I'll check-in in a week again. Frankly, I spent the first 7 days in York only observing what my new routine could be like... so to be precise, it's been only 2 weeks since the mother in charge left; then the real fun began. It's just me and - let's call her Teal, to protect my girl's identity. She is a bright college student who needs some mobility support - and heaping doses of self-discipline.

I'm not so good with self-discipline myself judging by the amount of sweets I eat, the bottle of red wine I struggle to ration per week, and the clothes lying on my bedroom floor.

There are areas where I excel. Boosting other people's self-esteem, confidence, positive body image, and gratitude to name the obvious. I've also learned to look after myself since I turned 18. I jumped straight into multiple jobs, shift work, vocational studies, paying the bills, and running all errands by myself.

Does Teal struggle with that? Not really... she doesn't have to do any of that.

So I'm wondering... what the hell am I doing here? The carer who doesn't care?

Then there's the city... the charming, little city that I see 2x a week, where they're so strict with social distancing that in a coffee shop full of tables and chairs, you can use 3. And they're all occupied by 1 person sitting at each. It sucks that I still don't have any friends here and that Bumble is so... English? All the guys I matched with seems to be super-cool about social distancing, perhaps never ever meeting face to face at all. Anyway, I was done with dating, wasn't I? I was done with stupid, inauthentic dating games... not with meeting people.

Can this cute city grow on me?

Here I am, sitting in my bedroom on a Saturday afternoon, clutching a cup of tea with oat milk, and staring at the empty street outside of my window in a rainy York, reminiscing about the good ol' times... when I felt alive, free, connected, and useful.

I'll get there. And it'll be like never before.

No more breaking hearts

I just realized that even if I break my heart again, it doesn't matter.

In fact, with this attitude, it'll probably never happen again.

At least not in the usual awful way. It'll just be what it will be - two people going their separate ways with gratitude for the lessons learned.

Or it'll be love for life the next time around.

I'm copying some updates from my last two newsletters:

Be careful what you wish for.... again.
Isn't it funny how things work out the way we least expect, yet the unexpected feels too familiar not to have been expected?
I found a new man. 
I already mentioned in one of my blog posts that I've encountered a romantic interest while back in the Czech Republic. 
It was sudden, intense, affectionate, emotional and fun, and it is finished.
Why? 
I don't believe in promises made after a very short time of knowing someone and long-distance romantic relationships are difficult - for me.
My new career offers me a lot more stability and purpose.

The lesson from this new 'heartbreak'? 
It wasn't heartbreaking at all, it was rather heart-opening.
I tasted the kind of feeling I know I deserve to have in a long-term relationship. It was the first time since 10 years ago that I felt an easy emotional connection, safety, and peace with a man. In fact, for the first time ever I felt truly heard and totally seen.
If you ask me how is it possible to create an emotional connection in a matter of days -
-> The answer is always an authentic communication.
Are you afraid of rejection? Of abandonment? Of commitment? -> Communicate all that!
By communicating, we found a way back to one another. In the end, we've established a beautifully honest intimacy. Lovers or friends - I am certain that by listening to my heart, it has led me to both a wonderful person and a wonderful job.
My last weeks in the Czech Republic couldn't have been sunnier. 
Goodbye Prague, hello York for a year!

I am done with dating.
And I'm not saying it in a bitter manner. I'm merely done with various dating games like - not replying in a timely fashion (a few hours up to a full working day can be understandable, however, a few days? You/I've been too busy to reply for a week?), having unconscious fears of abandonment running the show, or mind-fucks to get each other to bed... I am done with that. In the best way possible.

Prague Romance

The morning after, I felt awkward.
Wait, first a little background story.

Ten days ago I met a man. Kind-hearted, well-traveled, trustworthy, caring, a great listener. I felt an instant attraction… This tall dark stranger with big brown eyes was sent from heaven to make my arrival back to the West, back to the city, and back to the reality of my difficult family relations a little easier. The day before meeting him, Prague seemed sooo beautiful, so crisps, so fresh, so wonderful without all the tourists. It was like a dream walking across the Charles Bridge and not physically bumping into people or needing to use my elbows to make my way through the crowd. My favorite shopping mall looked also very unobstructed. I could see all the way to the end, around the corners, and enjoy a chat with my pregnant friend in peace.
Perhaps not helpful for the economy, but great for locals to reconnect with the city…

I felt at home, welcomed, and happy. There he comes, gives me crazy butterflies, and sweeps me off of my feet. My pre-birthday dinner with him shouldn’t get dismissed, he was so thoughtful. I took a break from my family members in the south bohemia to come back to Prague for several reasons. Yes, I had important appointments but true, I wanted to see him again. What?? I know you for less than a week and I can’t get you out of my head??

Well… I couldn’t and I didn’t want to.

Kissing him at 10 pm under the stars near a fountain in Havlickovy Sady topped the perfect summer date.

Life is short. 

My time in the Czech Republic is ticking.
On Friday I have a flight to my new career. I loooove it! I have searched for a job like that for so many moths….
I am decided about what I want to do.

I like this new man, and I accept that I might have found something good which I’m dropping now in favor of something unknown.
But that’s ok.
We still have a week to go.
I have a family celebration this weekend, he is camping, and we might see each other afterward. 

Or we might not. 

Was sex with him all I wanted? 
Was sex with me all he was after?
I’m not sure.

The attraction was huge… but not unbearable. I could have easily waited before sleeping with him, eager to have many more of our fascinating conversations without any physicality.

But that night it felt right…
I have to own my choices.

I would have waited if I weren’t departing so soon, yet, I craved him physically and spiritually too. It’s been years since someone made me feel that way. I know that I desired to merge with him on that night and I don’t want to care about the dogma.

The morning after…. I felt a little awkward. 

The mystery was gone. My fear is that he doesn’t want me anymore… so what do I do? I run. Preventatively.

I feel a lil' sad that we weren’t given a chance at love, a real relationship.

The universe has its funny ways. 

The beauty we fail to see within, especially, when dealing with unkind family members.

During my meditation experience earlier today, I observed how objectively I can reflect on what’s going on outside of myself. My grandparents' old-fashioned behavior, my mother's efforts to put the past behind, my sister’s avoidance of feeling pain of any kind, and my own detachment from it all. The whirlwind inside looks like a piece of cake when I separate it from pure consciousness.

I could reflect on and forgive my imperfect behavior, seeing it as a way to protect myself, creating a defense mechanism from false accusations and misunderstandings. I can understand that my childhood wounds dictate how much trust I’m ready to disperse since its supply is limited.

I realize why I consider romantic relationships unstable, why I used to feel safer on the road, and how I’ve changed to now willingly settle for something calm and secure. Like a guaranteed well-paid job offer overseas, for example, where I’m being chased to start as soon as possible and commit to at least a year-long contract. I love it!
Security is calling me. 

I find it rather funny how friendships withstand the test of time as if nothing happened. They resume where they’ve left off as if goodbyes were said only yesterday. On the other hand, many relationships start breaking apart at the speed of light even during a short absence.

Everyone knows that long-distance relationships suck. So don’t…

Regarding families, sometimes distance helps to recognize that our love-hate relationship is mostly love. Absence grows the heart fonder. Except, differences are differences and no time apart can reconcile different characters and magically make them get on well together. 

Christian Standard Bible
Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown, among his relatives, and in his household.”

I'm not religious but I frequently pray to angels and other spiritual beings.

I pray not to succumb to guilt that I've chosen to leave, that I've chosen what’s best for me.

I pray not to succumb to shame that I might have failed. As a daughter, as a granddaughter, sister, cousin, or a past girlfriend… I’ve always done as best as I could for that given time.

During my meditation-prayer, I not only observed the light within me, but I felt divine love pouring all over me. Perhaps it was Archangel Jofiel who came to console me and help me open my eyes to my inner beauty. 

Why? Interpersonal relationships with all their differences trigger guilt and shame no matter how hard we pray. Loving ourselves helps ease these feelings.

Sometimes it's a struggle to see the outside beauty, thus the gift of our inner radiance must become the unshakable foundation for self-love.

I don’t know why the connection to the divine felt so intense today, so real tears streamed down my face and gratitude filled my aura field. A complete acknowledgment of my light and also the difficult ordeal that ‘no one is a prophet in their own family’ weighed heavily upon me, yet the support and gratitude rippled through me and I've chosen to stick with the light. It would have been too easy to fail to recognize my fortune, my progress as a human, my spiritual work, and healing. I forgive. I just cannot forget the past, not feel afraid of more hurt and disappointment and humiliation. Is that wrong? 

No, it isn't. Deep down I trust the slow healing process when it comes to this family of mine.

 

The Prophecy of Whales

I had a serene dream where beautiful whales came to visit...

I'm getting ready to travel back to the Czech Republic, and sort of getting the feeling that how I'm gonna spend a year from now will be crucial. In a little over 3 weeks, I'll turn 33. I feel like it's a spiritual milestone. The number 3 stands for communication, and number 6 for love. 

According to Reiki teachings, I'm moving into fully embodying my fifth - throat - chakra. Every 7 years we move up the energy centers/chakra scale. From my own experience, I can say that those past few years have been all about authentic self-expression, finding my voice, letting myself shine by being true to who I am, and unapologetically, compassionately accept where I'm coming from. 

By the time I reach 35, I need to be ready to speak my truth confidently which will give rise to fully embracing my inner wisdom - the intuitive knowing behind the sixth - third eye - chakra.

I have too much on my mind at the moment!

May the last days in Thailand be blessed.

Whale Spirit Animal

Author: Elena Harris 

"The whale spirit animal is the earth’s record keeper for all time. As a totem, the whale teaches you about listening to your inner voice, understanding the impact your emotions have on your everyday life, and following your own truth. When the whale enters your life, it may be time to closely examine where you are, the actions and emotions that have brought you to this point, and what you can do to alleviate existing drama and unrest and find peace. Those who have the whale as their animal totem are in touch with true reality. They are nurturers and go-getters who understand there is more to this life than meets the eye."

Whale Symbolism

The whale is commonly associated with emotion, inner truth, and creativity. Here are additional meanings for this totem:
Wisdom holder
Physical and emotional healing
Keeper of history
Importance of family and community
Emotional rebirth
Peaceful strength
Communication

"The whale is symbolic of that which cannot be easily vanquished — just as a person’s inner truth, voice, and creativity cannot be easily silenced or subdued."

Whales and Communication

"Whales are amazing communicators able to connect and coordinate with other whales over thousands of miles of ocean. The whale supports us in communicating clearly from our hearts to bridge large distances with others. Whales are also very family-oriented, so the whale helps us bridge any gaps that are keeping us from connecting deeper with our loved ones. Whales support us in speaking our truth with emotion, vulnerability and power."


from:  https://www.spiritanimal.info/whale-spirit-animal/

Staying in the moment

Staring at a little pocket photograph of Amma, the Indian hugging saint, I'm trying to recall what she could have told me that night I finally got to hug her.
Next, I'm thinking of a card I recently pulled out of the Judith Orloff deck stating: Surrender to Divine Timing. 

Germany, October 2018. Amma whispers something in my ear, I have no idea what... meanwhile I pray for - I believe that I'm not supposed to tell - but, I ask her for helping me manifest a relationship.
My friend Olga got her message in Hindu as well, she was asking for pregnancy.

I look away from the pic and the card and recall of how I've been struggling to get my little business off the ground. Maybe it's not meant to be? 
On the other hand, I realize that I always got what I wanted, but never have been quite specific nor ready for anything I've asked for. How are my love life and career connected?
Well, there's always a corresponding association.

When my goals aren't manifesting fast enough, my ego compells me to resent all my prayers, meditations, and guru-hugging. If I surrender and accept that divine time is ticking very differently to my ego-timing, I can slacken and sigh out in relief...? Is that how it works?
I relax, most of the time, but I admit to feeling frustrated too.
Should I just give up? Take it as a sign that my wish is no one's command and perhaps it's not even right for me? 

They say that trying to force the river is a warning of not going with the flow of life. In other words, making too much effort chases away your highest good.
Where else to turn to see the path of the least resistance?
Maybe Amma advised me to chill, not rush, get high fevers first and spend a week in a hospital with a mysterious infection (true story!) which happened 2 days after I left Germany.

No, frivolousness aside, she could have told me that a real hug from a man was always a better idea than a spiritual hug from a master.
I had an opportunity to see her for the first time in Brisbane back in 2017, yet I chose not to wait in the line and off I chased after a man who wanted to spend the evening with me. Was that worth it? Oh my god, that date was worth dozens of missed festivals and spiritual gatherings! I lived in the moment and enjoyed it.
Although the relationship with that man lasted only a few months, it continued over a distance and it's still nostalgically tender and friendly.
I could write an essay about impermanence...

Olga began expecting sometime later in 2018 and it was a successful pregnancy.

I recovered from my infection and went on to heal a bit of post-antibiotic, disrupted microbiome and grief-induced crash in Asia...
I feel as if I've come full circle.

I now know that being patient and enjoying the blessings of each moment on this earth is key.

How I fixed my intimacy issues (article for the Elephant Journal)

Fixing Intimacy Issues

by Pavlina Fedakova

Dr. Seth Meyers writes: "The true meaning of intimacy refers to trust and honesty in a relationship. It requires that you let your guard down and trust that your partner will not take advantage of you." 

I will not lie, despite all my spiritual awareness and relationship experience, I'm a recovering intimacy escapist.

I used to crave a connection that would be out of this world, wishing I'd bumped into a handsome stranger who would sweep me off my feet… until well, until I did, and then I run! I run as fast as I could and shed only a couple of tears which were mostly of gratitude for having have met that person. In fact, the emotional rollercoasters became so predictable, that I learned to simply observe my freaking out, journal about my twisted logic, take contemplative walks to revel in it, and then shun all emotions down. It turned into a talent.

When I freaked out for the first time, I concluded there must have been something wrong with me. I wondered - Maybe I'm antisocial, not made for a relationship, maybe I don't know how to give, maybe I'm not enough and that was way too much…. Later, I learned that I'm pretty loving and socially adequate - no matter how introverted I feel, that I'm a giver - no matter how much I love to receive,  and I'm worthy, yet those experiences didn't level up.

Many of my younger years were consumed in brief relationships based on physical attraction for sexual satisfaction. That translated into the inevitable lack of knowledge about emotional intimacy. Intimacy should be a subject at school where we’d study how to trust the opposite sex, communicate our feelings, and find comfort in vulnerability. Whereas now in my 30's learning these things feels like jumping off the cliff into the sea, naked.

Some time ago, I set out on a quest to face my intimacy fears, hoping to learn in a peaceful but controlled way, microdosing myself with dates with eligible bachelors. Sometimes the man would be so wrong for me that the lesson couldn't be more right - Stop dating bad boys to remain in an intimacy-free comfort zone, instead - go for the good ones, I pep-talked myself.

Now I understand that with radical self-love come more suitable choices. Self-sabotaging by dating a 'jerk' is only a reflection of what you believe you deserve. You must learn to see the value of your uniqueness. If you compassionately accept your background story and your quirks, you'll automatically want someone who can match that love you can give to yourself.

I spent some time getting to know my last crush. That was a first. I inspected him like the police, questioning his relationship history and checking every detail about his psyche. I expected to detect if he was just as avoidant as me since we tend to attract our mirrors. Not sure how far I was ready to take it, I slipped back into the old pattern. I run back to my shell, then towards him, then away again.

In the end, I concluded he was exactly what I needed and I committed to being interested. 

One evening, he shared something he doesn't usually talk about. Hesitantly, I reciprocated with a similar secret. After the exchange of trust, he drew me close to hug me which wasn't sexual at first, more like an affectionate: "Even if I never got you, I still like and appreciate you". Suddenly, I was brought back to the room to smell his hair, feel his stubble prickling my cheek and his warm lips kissing my neck. An electricity impulse shot right down my pants. I longed to have him hold me and consume me. The physical bodies disappeared. Left were only two masses of energy intertwining in a dynamic play. I felt safe, my heart open to giving and receiving, ready to merge with his spirit. It was all about the hearts anyway.

Emotional intimacy preceded the physical. In reverse order, we feel depleted of energy and more alone than before - a frequent mistake of intimacy escapists. Real intimacy is not as scary in practice as it's in theory. Vulnerability is attractive. I encourage you to take the plunge. Don't be with someone who isn't willing to dive in with you. Be patient, and embrace the fact that you still might be an Intimacy Junior.

By Pavlina Fedakova

Koh Phangan sexual healing

Can one passionate evening change what you thought you knew about yourself, men, and relationships?

I decided to leave Koh Phangan and move on to the next adventure - making my way back to the West.

Classic, I met a romantic interest just when I realized that my days in KP were numbered and that I’d happily spend them alone in productivity.

I had wished for a boyfriend 3 months before, then concluded I’d settle for a fling, and in my last coupla weeks, half-frustrated, I understood that a new lover wouldn't fit well into my schedule. 

“I simply wouldn’t have the time for him!” was my consolation.

I plan my ferry out and hold and behold, here he comes. Turns out, the time I found once the right man stepped in front of me. Or perhaps, I crossed his path - with a smoothie in my hand. I knew it would be him. Inconspicuous but tall, dark stubble, blond mane and green eyes. Hello there, Frenchie.

I’m keeping it rational as I know that connections are more easily made thousands of miles away from home and responsibilities - especially - during a pandemic that’s been forcing us to distance and deal with longings alone.
I’m only a human and those past 3 months haven’t been the easiest on me either. But there were some huge bouts of gratitude and solid moments of happiness in my own company. Is that strange?

Here comes this French fellow to trigger some pain points.

Utterly honest, vulnerable, and emotional communication preceded anything physical between us. 

This time I checked everything about him before I let him into my heart.

I’ve been around many men, and I am well aware that certain factors from our childhood determine how well we do as adults in relationships and career-wise too. 

He has done the real work on himself - there was no bullshit in the way he presented himself. Not like the hippies around here claiming that orgies and psychedelics will do the work for them. Anyone bragging about various spiritual certificates, learning metaphysics, or attending re-birthing workshops after workshops isn’t authentic unless they do the inner work themselves afterward day after day.
Knowing the theory nor experiencing visions will do the trick!

Our romance ‘in the real’ world wouldn’t be ideal - at least not with our current circumstances, but for now - it was exactly what I wanted. I needed to uncover my unconscious beliefs about my capacity for trusting a man, ask myself hard questions about my own readiness for a relationship and reconsider how I would present myself if the opportunity for something stable came along - how would I take it? Would I run from intimacy as I always do?

This time, with some stumbling and fumbling, I walked towards.

I felt bold in opening my heart and my mind to a man whose realness and warmth enchanted me. Our interactions brought me a breath of fresh air and the realization that good, available, and emotionally intelligent men with open hearts are out there! Yay🙌🏼

And let me tell you, our physical connection was out of this world. It must have healed my heart, opened a portal to new kinds of manifesting, but also made me alive, sad and grateful when parting with him. Unexplored territory! with a (near) stranger!

I’m grateful for my ability to create deep connections in record time and for having attracted great men into my bed in the last coupla years.

Maybe I’ll see this man again, maybe I won’t. I am ready for anything.

Like I say in my new book - A goddess doesn’t always have to be in a relationship. She may care for a few lovers she’s transparent with or she may enjoy long periods of celibacy.

I’m that woman.

Dancing and love-making - the feelings of coming come

What do you do when you feel like there's nothing to say, no post to write, and no photo to show on Instagram?
Do you just stop sharing?

Probably yes. Good news, there is a way to reverse it.

Sharing is caring, and truly, when I log-in to Insta and see a familiar face greeting me on the home page, it makes my heart leap with joy. Maybe we're robbing some devotees of feeling the same when we keep ourselves private?

Today I busted great dance moves in my kitchen, just like yesterday in a hotel room that I booked in Haad Rin. I was in need of a 'vacation'. 

Haad Rin beach is only a 30-minutes drive from where I live so... a pretty strange vacation idea.

Yet, it's in alignment with "Stay home - stay safe". This 125 km² island is my only option for an escape right now and that little overnight trip was worth every penny!

I meditated, I studied, I journaled and I dreamed. And of course, the beach at that side of the island is just magic.

Arriving back to my little apartment in the jungle felt so heart-warming...
The following dance on the leftover ceremonial cacao (What am I gonna do after the very last dose?!), the dance oh my God... it felt like COMING HOME to myself again!

Dancing is like a drug, an instant uplifter, an ecstatic bliss, an answered prayer, it's written in my blood, like a familiar feeling of coming home... to God, my glorious body, my sweat, and all the feel-good memories of my spiritual family in Australia... that's right.
I left in October 2018, I withdrew shortly afterward and I tried not to think about it to ward off grief... 

Today, I remembered where I belonged and where I left my heart. I danced with my grief not knowing if the tears were of pain or joy, but I welcomed them. It was raw, beautiful and vulnerable, it was like making love...

An excerpt from my old blog:

***

"A lovely yoga teacher Emma B at a Brisbane studio that I only visited for the gig of Elijah Ray before, started yesterday's Vinyasa flow by setting an intention to recognize that which feels like coming home again...

She gave a few examples - doing yoga after a long absence, finally eating after starving all day, meeting a best friend after many years, finally painting, cooking.... etc.

The first thing that occurred to me was DANCING.

Then SEX - yes, it always feels like coming home (more on that later) but definitely, it is DANCING.

When I asked the Spirit last Sunday: "Where would I feel happier? Sitting in a cinema and watching Wonderwoman (for which I already paid), or taking a long walk to sunset markets and finding something to eat there?"

It sounds so obvious now! It made me laugh when the answer came - but, not so fast - prior to my asking it out loud there was a mess, all mixing and mingling in my head. I had feelings of guilt for wasting money (the cinema ticket), for not wanting to relax as I said I would, and then other feelings surfaced - do I really wanna walk somewhere that far just to get some food, eat it ALONE and then walk back???

However, when I composed a simple question, detached of all [untrue] thoughts..... the answer felt like a gush of fresh air with many positive feelings attached! The Spirit knew!

Needless to say, I had the time of my life. It wasn't just about the delicious Sri-Lankan food at all. It was the Tribal gig, then another solo gig, the sweaty spontaneous dancing, the lovely people around, the great vibes, and the walk there and back offered great sights of Darwin too.

Dancing, even if unplanned, is like coming home to me... that is my passion. It never feels lonely, the joy is contagious, and as a result, everything else feels familiar." 

***

As long as I keep dancing, no matter where I am, I can always feel 'at home'. That is a feeling I like to share.

By the way, while yesterday's dance was all about self-appreciation, sensuality and surrender, today's dance definitely facilitated a divine connection.

So here you go, we make energetic-love in dancing too.

What do you recognize as your 'coming home'...?

Check out my new website to work with me on loving yourself more:

LOVE LIFE ANEW

The inner journeys we take

Confusion is a good place to be. Or, as Joe Dispenza calls it: It is in the discomfort where change happens. And I don't know about you, but change is all I'm after. Confusion and discomfort are hopeful signs.
Today I realized that if I look back at this time in a few months, I don't want to regret that I didn't use it wisely and productively enough. By productively, I don't mean sitting down to writing my first bestseller (I wish), except before I get to that unshakeable resolute point of creativity, I need to be productive in uncovering all that holds me back from living my best life. And yeah, that includes the limiting beliefs preventing me from writing the book at this, perhaps appropriate, time. 
Becoming an author of a non-fiction masterpiece is not the only thing on my vision board though.
There isn't so much left to discover regarding my beliefs. I know my reasons for procrastinating and doubting myself and I am sure that deep down you know yours.
We have to re-write the script. There might be some probable future set in stone now, but it is not the only possible future that the quantum field holds for us.

Every year since 2011, I listen to the Hayhouse summits. 
If you need an extra dose of inspiration, listen to Gabrielle Bernstein talking about surrendering to higher power whenever she feels powerless. Yes, the help comes from real sources, people and earthly situations.
https://www.youcanhealyourlifesummit.com/lessons/a-three-step-process-to-become-a-super-attractor

The first time I tried a meditative mp3 sometime in 2010, I knew it would become a powerful healing tool for me forever. Meditation is a source of divine inspiration and relief within me and around me. I am pleased to say that it is something I perform daily. I will have to keep that habit even after the quarantine!
If you've never tried to meditate, you might want to visit the page of my most beloved mentor Marie Forleo. She has a 10-minute practice along with her personal mantra that she introduced during an interview with Tim Ferriss here: https://youtu.be/beV508Thjzc
I recommend watching the 3-minute video first. Plus, Tim Ferriss is another worthwhile teacher!
Under the video sits a link to her downloadable meditation.
Myself, I prefer absolute silence or relaxing music nowadays.
Last year, I joined a Vipassana meditation silent retreat and I came out of it a different person. 1.-12.5. 2019 changed the course of my life - like many other spiritual events before and after that continue doing so!

I have been learning tons about myself in the past weeks here in Koh Phangan and I am grateful to be able to pass on my wisdom to the handful of clients I coach online.
It is somewhat not quite enough to fulfill me.
When this isolating period's over, I am gonna get out there and do some hands-on healing work because I miss human touch like nothing else these days.

Acknowledging grief is essential during this period. In fact, anytime we feel empty, unloved, or regretful, we can replace what's been lost with the Divine... For nothing else can heal the void and clean space for something new to come.
Don't bandage your wound with another wound.
It doesn't have to be related to touch, intimacy, or a person per se, perhaps you miss certain conveniences of life outside of the pandemic.
Either way, you might gain more clarity about how best to help yourself heal with a little self-inquiry. 
If you still haven't read my article in the Elephant Journal: 'What Covid-19 is teaching us about sex & pleasure-seeking', it is here: https://elejrnl.com?p=2490277
Please 'heart' it or comment if you enjoyed it.

I wish you a wonderful weekend wherever you are on your personal journey x

Love,
Pavlina

If only wine stopped pain and solved problems

It finally dawned on me today, how much I miss Singapore.
I read articles about grief, and then it hit me too.
I am going to have to stay here in Thailand for one more month. I'm not entirely unhappy about this necessary decision, yet I've not planned such a lengthy trip. I adjusted to the circumstances and I feel quite blessed to be stuck on a deserted island with no Coronavirus cases. Nevertheless, my heart has never been here.

I am not convinced that it's the city that I miss. I suspect that what I miss is all the conveniences that I (we all) had prior to the pandemic. In Singapore, I found a comfortable clean houseshare, felt secure, could sit down to eat at hawker's food courts, traveled daily to a gym where they knew me by name, had the perfect fitness routine, mustered some social life, and made a few amazing local friends. Perhaps it wouldn't have mattered where I was then, as long as it felt 'normal' and wholesome. It just happened that Singapore was the last destination I've visited before everything went downhill everywhere.

Undoubtedly, in that Lion city, I learned to trust my feelings and embrace my social anxiety. Right, even when I could socialize back then in January and February, I wouldn't.

I used to drink more than I needed when I let my social anxiety get the better of me… 

One night in the condo in Pandan Valley, I decided not to go to a party I was invited to and neither drink down my guilt and shame and whatnot with a glass of wine on my own.

I went to the communal swimming pool instead, just to stare at the sky and float… I understood then that something profound had shifted.

Just an hour before, I would not stop obsessing about a glass of red wine that I would get. I didn’t really want to drink alcohol but I craved a quick fix… What I wanted was to feel safe, at ease, reassured that I was good enough and everything was going to be fine… Honestly, I didn’t fancy the walk to the supermarket, the havoc in my blood sugar that even a small amount of wine gives me, the blurry eyes in the morning, fatigue, a headache, and in the worst case - undesirable bouts of panic attacks. That’s how sensitive my body became.

All I desired was to stop the train of thought, get my ass to the pool and chill…
All I needed was to float…

I believe that God has always had a protective hand around my shoulders…God/the universe/the divine/nature is what keeps me above water if I surrender. When I let go of controlling the situation by my own petty actions. 
Oh, God, you wanna help me? Sure, but I’ve got this, let me just have my wine anyway… 
My self-medicating never helped to create desirable results in the past and will never do.

On that night, I realized I was changing history.

As I was floating, I felt increasingly more relieved, weightless, and happier.
I knew I could have a drink if I wanted, but it felt gratifying to give in the temptation less and less often. It wasn't easy to admit I was addicted to sneakily escaping myself, yet I knew I had to stop running in circles. I trusted that my decision to stay sober was right and that I displayed immense courage that would help me face any emotions to come.

If only I knew back then... 
I probably did.

In the past weeks in Koh Phangan, despite the alcohol ban, I went back on the occasional wine. Maybe the forbidden fruit does taste better. But now the ban's lifted. 
In my opinion, wine is an unpredictable substance and it slows down my creativity.
It would not keep me a good company in my last lockdown month. Therefore, I am saying goodbye to alcohol for the whole month of May, plus it is my Vipassana meditation course 1 year anniversary. 

Let's welcome all feelings without craving or aversion!

Eyes are the windows to the soul

I have not been myself lately.... a pervasive inner conflict between my divine feminine and divine masculine ultimately manifested as a bulky sty inside my eyelid - I didn't know it was a thing until my eyelid swelled, kept on attaining a nice dark pink color, itched and nearly covered all my right iris... I hope it will go down soon! Meanwhile, I act as usual. I drive my scooter with 1,5 eyes, brunch on the balcony with my neighbor and meditate on my condition and the neverending power battle long hours each day.

I see that the stereotypes concerning the meaning of being a woman and the meaning of being a man simply don't fit anymore... have they ever? 

Look at the photo below, I'd say that my inner woman is half of what my inner man isn't.... and there, right there, I understood that in the same way that I have been castrating the males out there I subjugate the inner man within me too... I don't trust him. 

Yet, I need him.

My analytical, protective and objective side will not appreciate my supposed to be loving and sensitive side if I don't become more yielding and won't surrender.

The following adjectives are a little off by the way. These are typical for the Yang (masculine) and Yin (feminine) energies. But not for today's human males and females.

The feminine is loving, soft but strong, not weak, and so is the masculine if embodied right.

I surrendered today. I made love to myself and learned that I can trust my man. It is safe to let go, to lose control in front of him, look vulnerable, and accept my fears... 

I once felt afraid to drive a scooter, now I am a natural. I drive for at least an hour every day to distant beaches, to shops and to fill my water bottles all day long. It is possible thanks to my focused and reliable masculine energy. The moment I acknowledged that polarity as trustworthy and safe everything turned around. I trust the driver I am.

I tapped on meridians to tackle my fear of road accidents and interestingly, I discovered that it's okay to have fear - but if I surrender and trust my inner man, I am extra vigilant and safe as a result.

I am both a woman and a man, both silly and wise, and both healed and ever so messed up.

⇨

I give myself permission not to have good eye days, good hair days, flat stomach days, hell - smiley face days and vital body days.

I give myself permission to see myself as beautiful and radiant.

I give myself permission to accept my ever-changing unpredictable personality.
I give myself permission to act boring in front of those who don’t know my fun instability. 

I give myself permission to be anti-social by default and thus fine with social distancing.
I give myself permission to crave human touch and then despise it at once. 

I give myself permission to overeat.
I give myself permission not to eat at all if I don't feel like it.

I give myself permission to be lazy.

I give myself permission to have manic bouts of overexercising. 

I give myself permission to overthink.
I give myself permission not to think at all.

I give myself permission to read novels 24/7 some weeks and no fiction books for months at a time.

I give myself permission to be motionless.
I give myself permission to be all over the place. 

I give myself permission to feel good about being bad and feel bad about being good.

I give myself permission to judge myself.
I give myself permission to have the most unconditional acceptance of myself.


The world is full of contrasts and colors. I am all and I am nothing.

Enjoy!