Thursday, September 24, 2020

You're not lost, but only a dead fish goes with the flow...

I took a break from my weekend newsletter last week. In 30 weeks I've done this twice! Maybe it's time to pick a workday and stop treating my writing and musing only as my weekend side hustle and turn it into serious work. And work is done during the business week.

So many things have been on my mind lately, no wonder that there's no time to sleep with all this must-do pondering in my head! Honestly, there's a whole book up there and it won't write itself without my pausing and making my ideas a reality. Writing is still love and it helps so much when I can settle my thoughts in this way. It's a joy sharing it.

A friend of mine recently referred to himself and I as two lost souls... I gotta admit that a certain resistance bubbled up inside of me.
Lost... I've been there. But, am I still there?

What does it mean to be lost? To not have short term goals? A stable job? To not own your own house? To be single and looking? To be in a relationship and feeling confused?
Why do we always doubt ourselves and our journey? Why should there be a particular path that is the opposite of lostness? Is there a recipe for foundness?
If there is one, in my experience, it's this: Lose yourself in the deepest darkest abysses of your soul, try everything there is to try, confuse yourself to the point that you don't know who you are anymore, get rid of all material possessions, grieve over the people who came and went, pitty yourself for your smallness and then.... instead of letting it go... just welcome it. Look at yourself in the mirror and welcome what you see with an open heart and an open mind. Welcome this place of lostness, the ground zero, welcome it with joy! Laugh at your seeming shortcomings, at your colourful past, at your random way of living your amazing life, and welcome the unknown. No one quite knows who you are unless you tell them who. Rewrite your story. Creating from nothing is oftentimes the most profound. Lost is the new found.
Boldly follow your confusion! That's the green light you've been waiting for.

I'd like a tangible sense of direction, break down my long term goal into short-term goals and these into small baby steps.
In conclusion, I could use that Master degree to get myself where I want to be in 5, 10 years... Read about the energy of fear dictating the outcome of even the best of the best decisions we make here:

The excuse that we shouldn't chase after anything snd just savour the moment? My current job is here to be savoured any day... in fact, it is so flexible that I could get bored with the empty gaps in between and lose my enthusiasm to perform the tasks at hand. I need another venture. Creative self-expression with a long-term reward. I can do anything - work and study, I can do everything I set my mind to.

Going with the flow and adjusting to life events as they randomly happen or - creating by default the things that we want to happen?
Are those mutually exclusive? Does the latter mean that life wouldn't present us with any surprises? Does influencing our destiny require sticking to a timetable and never detour the entire lifetime?
For that, I need some serious mindset shifts!

What would your life look life if you trusted the people who cross your path without a seed of doubt?

We must trust our hunches.... moreover, the body never lies.... keep checking with your body frequently.

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Keep weaving the web - How seeing the bigger picture helps.

If what you wanted doesn't feel all so 'juiceyyy'... but it's exactly what you need, and you know it deep down, keep at it! It'll change, things will fall into place and it will feel right.

So just hang on in there a little longer, embody your higher self, trust, believe, be patient... recognize your resistance, perhaps even an addiction to the familiar misery.

Don't go there.

Detach, see the bigger picture, find balance, trust that everything's unfolding perfectly. Like the spider weaving its web so assuredly.

Every little thing you do has consequences.

"Spiders gifts include – creativity and weavers of fate, the balance between past and future, physical and spirit, male and female. Their bodies are shaped like the number 8 and they have 8 legs, symbolising infinite possibilities of creation. Spider weaves her web, we weave our realities. Spider reminds us that we create many of the situations in our lives. We have the power to create what happens in our lives – to us and to others. But we must realise this. The choices we make coupled with our attitude – very powerful stuff.

If the spider has caught you in its web, then look with-in and with-out to see the web you are weaving in your life. Are you content? Are things going well in your life? If things are good, Good! Think about the attitude/choices that have gotten you where you are today, creating positive situation and continue!

Sometimes we don’t have the spider’s ability to see our lives as a whole. So often we meet conflict in our lives, not sure how to integrate desires and paths, which seem to oppose one another. So if the Spider has entered your life, it is here to teach you something(s). One of these things is to attune yourself to the energy of the Weaver. You can then begin to see that many of the inner dividing walls that seem to separate aspects of your life are not as solid as they appear. You may be able to see that by looking at things differently, barriers can disappear and that your life can be viewed in a more integrated way. You may also realise that the webs you weave need not be sources of entanglement, but a network of roads to travel.

Spiders are actually very delicate, embodying the energy of gentleness, and generally aren’t aggressive unless defending their lives. Moving forward whatever the situation, with a gentle strength, is a skill that often needs to be learned by those with this power animal."

By Ina Woolcott

Monday, August 24, 2020

Committing to commitments

Squirrel Spirit Animal

By Ina Woolcott

"The idea that there are obstacles that can't be overcome is not part of Squirrel’s outlook on life, nor is giving up. Squirrel is an almighty power animal to have any time when you feel you have reached a dead-end in your life, or in a situation and ready to give up. We are shown that perseverance and the readiness to try different methods are the keys to success.

 – it can also mean being as flexible as Squirrel when it comes to allowing and starting change.

When squirrels prepare for the winter, they gather only what they require. This teaches us the importance of letting go/getting rid of unnecessary physical objects, and also negative beliefs, emotions, and memories which limit our faith in love and abundance. We need to lighten our load, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

As busy as these animals are, they always have time to play. This teaches us that there IS time for everything in life, that the balance between work, play, rest, and contemplation is essential to our overall feeling of wellbeing and harmony. We are reminded that on our journeys to fulfill our goals, it is vital to make time for play and socializing.

Ask yourself are you too active, not active enough, too afraid, or hung up on accumulating and collecting. Squirrel people can sometimes be a little erratic, trying to do many things at once. Take the time to stop, listen, and to heed your inner self.

Don’t forget to play, no matter what age you are! Don’t have too much on your plate at any one time.

Squirrels are very trusting and are one of the few (wild) animals that will eat out of a person’s hand. This symbolizes a need to let down your defenses, and to learn to trust more, remember that you will be taken care of."

I knew that the last 3 squirrels I noticed on 3 different occasions while brooding over my new circumstances meant something.

I gave my word that I'd stick with this work for one year, respectively 10 months. So now I have 9 more to go. That's not a lot.

Too many times in my life I intended to stick with major decisions that I knew were healthy for me and would yield positive results over time. But I gave up. 

I made commitments more than I care to count, e.g. never start dead-end relationships, leave spirit-sucking jobs, diminish unhealthy lifestyle - including toxic environments, soulless food, and drinks, sleepless nights partying or worrying, and the many promises to myself to never escape my emotions again... I had a few goes at it and then dropped it. In the end, I learned to listen to my intuition and thus avoid most of the above.

There wouldn't be so many 'startovers', have I just stuck with my best intentions to commit to what's good for me.  

No commitment is the same. If we intend to break it, get honest with yourself first and foremost.

When it comes to mundane commitments like giving up sugar for good, I seem to get distracted. I reduced it to natural sugar, but once or twice a month I sin, yet the Earth keeps on spinning and my weight stays stable.

A commitment not to ever drink coffee is also unsustainable, and little does depend on whether I stick to it or indulge once in a while. Most of the information out there is confusing and unfounded. I normally crave extra caffeine in the second half of my cycle. I experience estrogen drop, loss of energy, and more muscle fatigue. Even then, I'd have one cup a day and it's gotta be just the right brew not to make me jittery. Come my period, I naturally wean off of it for the next 2 weeks or so.

Regarding wine, the only commitment I must/want to make is that I won't use it as a tool to numb myself. I need to first feel the full weight of those feelings that irritate me and I must deal with them as an adult, accept my responsibility for creating certain situations, and for not managing too well. I commit to not reaching for a drink every time I desire a little thrill. I want a party, not a pity party. 

Ideas for when we want to relax: Try a little nap, have a calming tea, have an energizing tea, a tiny snack, or masturbate.

Michael Neil says: There aren't enough cookies in the world to make us feel happy and loved. Cheers to that!

My commitment to working as a carer for Teal in York, UK is still on, and it will be on until it feels true to my heart, granted that I won't trade it for anything less important. It does feel great to commit to something. Someone should hold me accountable! 

Saturday, August 22, 2020

New beginnings at challenging times (York. Updated)

Today, the first little crisis struck. 

I became aware that I went from one type of isolation to another.

It's been only 22 days since my arrival, and they say that to get used to new habits and routines you need 21 days at it... Did I get used to it, can I get used to it?

I'll check-in in a week again. Frankly, I spent the first 7 days in York only observing what my new routine could be like... so to be precise, it's been only 2 weeks since the mother in charge left; then the real fun began. It's just me and - let's call her Teal, to protect my girl's identity. She is a bright college student who needs some mobility support - and heaping doses of self-discipline.

I'm not so good with self-discipline myself judging by the amount of sweets I eat, the bottle of red wine I struggle to ration per week, and the clothes lying on my bedroom floor.

There are areas where I excel. Boosting other people's self-esteem, confidence, positive body image, and gratitude to name the obvious. I've also learned to look after myself since I turned 18. I jumped straight into multiple jobs, shift work, vocational studies, paying the bills, and running all errands by myself.

Does Teal struggle with that? Not really... she doesn't have to do any of that.

So I'm wondering... what the hell am I doing here? The carer who doesn't care?

Then there's the city... the charming, little city that I see 2x a week, where they're so strict with social distancing that in a coffee shop full of tables and chairs, you can use 3. And they're all occupied by 1 person sitting at each. It sucks that I still don't have any friends here and that Bumble is so... English? All the guys I matched with seems to be super-cool about social distancing, perhaps never ever meeting face to face at all. Anyway, I was done with dating, wasn't I? I was done with stupid, inauthentic dating games... not with meeting people.

Can this cute city grow on me?

Here I am, sitting in my bedroom on a Saturday afternoon, clutching a cup of tea with oat milk, and staring at the empty street outside of my window in a rainy York, reminiscing about the good ol' times... when I felt alive, free, connected, and useful.

I'll get there. And it'll be like never before.

Sunday, August 9, 2020

No more breaking hearts

I just realized that even if I break my heart again, it doesn't matter.

In fact, with this attitude, it'll probably never happen again.

At least not in the usual awful way. It'll just be what it will be - two people going their separate ways with gratitude for the lessons learned.

Or it'll be love for life the next time around.

I'm copying some updates from my last two newsletters:

Be careful what you wish for.... again.
Isn't it funny how things work out the way we least expect, yet the unexpected feels too familiar not to have been expected?
I found a new man. 
I already mentioned in one of my blog posts that I've encountered a romantic interest while back in the Czech Republic. 
It was sudden, intense, affectionate, emotional and fun, and it is finished.
I don't believe in promises made after a very short time of knowing someone and long-distance romantic relationships are difficult - for me.
My new career offers me a lot more stability and purpose.

The lesson from this new 'heartbreak'? 
It wasn't heartbreaking at all, it was rather heart-opening.
I tasted the kind of feeling I know I deserve to have in a long-term relationship. It was the first time since 10 years ago that I felt an easy emotional connection, safety, and peace with a man. In fact, for the first time ever I felt truly heard and totally seen.
If you ask me how is it possible to create an emotional connection in a matter of days -
-> The answer is always an authentic communication.
Are you afraid of rejection? Of abandonment? Of commitment? -> Communicate all that!
By communicating, we found a way back to one another. In the end, we've established a beautifully honest intimacy. Lovers or friends - I am certain that by listening to my heart, it has led me to both a wonderful person and a wonderful job.
My last weeks in the Czech Republic couldn't have been sunnier
Goodbye Prague, hello York for a year!

I am done with dating.
And I'm not saying it in a bitter manner. I'm merely done with various dating games like - not replying in a timely fashion (a few hours up to a full working day can be understandable, however, a few days? You/I've been too busy to reply for a week?), having unconscious fears of abandonment running the show, or mind-fucks to get each other to bed... I am done with that. In the best way possible.

Friday, July 24, 2020

Prague Romance

The morning after, I felt awkward.
Wait, first a little background story.

Ten days ago I met a man. Kind-hearted, well-traveled, trustworthy, caring, a great listener. I felt an instant attraction… This tall dark stranger with big brown eyes was sent from heaven to make my arrival back to the West, back to the city, and back to the reality of my difficult family relations a little easier. The day before meeting him, Prague seemed sooo beautiful, so crisps, so fresh, so wonderful without all the tourists. It was like a dream walking across the Charles Bridge and not physically bumping into people or needing to use my elbows to make my way through the crowd. My favorite shopping mall looked also very unobstructed. I could see all the way to the end, around the corners, and enjoy a chat with my pregnant friend in peace.
Perhaps not helpful for the economy, but great for locals to reconnect with the city…

I felt at home, welcomed, and happy. There he comes, gives me crazy butterflies, and sweeps me off of my feet. My pre-birthday dinner with him shouldn’t get dismissed, he was so thoughtful. I took a break from my family members in the south bohemia to come back to Prague for several reasons. Yes, I had important appointments but true, I wanted to see him again. What?? I know you for less than a week and I can’t get you out of my head??

Well… I couldn’t and I didn’t want to.

Kissing him at 10 pm under the stars near a fountain in Havlickovy Sady topped the perfect summer date.

Life is short. 

My time in the Czech Republic is ticking.
On Friday I have a flight to my new career. I loooove it! I have searched for a job like that for so many moths….
I am decided about what I want to do.

I like this new man, and I accept that I might have found something good which I’m dropping now in favor of something unknown.
But that’s ok.
We still have a week to go.
I have a family celebration this weekend, he is
 camping, and we might see each other afterward. 

Or we might not. 

Was sex with him all I wanted? 
Was sex with me all he was after?
I’m not sure.

The attraction was huge… but not unbearable. I could have easily waited before sleeping with him, eager to have many more of our fascinating conversations without any physicality.

But that night it felt right…
I have to own my choices.

I would have waited if I weren’t departing so soon, yet, I craved him physically and spiritually too. It’s been years since someone made me feel that way. I know that I desired to merge with him on that night and I don’t want to care about the dogma.

The morning after…. I felt a little awkward. 
The mystery was gone. My fear is that he doesn’t want me anymore… so what do I do? I run. Preventatively.

I feel a lil' sad that we weren’t given a chance at love, a real relationship.

The universe has its funny ways. 

Monday, July 20, 2020

The beauty we fail to see within, especially, when dealing with unkind family members.

During my meditation experience earlier today, I observed how objectively I can reflect on what’s going on outside of myself. My grandparents' old-fashioned behavior, my mother's efforts to put the past behind, my sister’s avoidance of feeling pain of any kind, and my own detachment from it all. The whirlwind inside looks like a piece of cake when I separate it from pure consciousness.

I could reflect on and forgive my imperfect behavior, seeing it as a way to protect myself, creating a defense mechanism from false accusations and misunderstandings. I can understand that my childhood wounds dictate how much trust I’m ready to disperse since its supply is limited.

I realize why I consider romantic relationships unstable, why I used to feel safer on the road, and how I’ve changed to now willingly settle for something calm and secure. Like a guaranteed well-paid job offer overseas, for example, where I’m being chased to start as soon as possible and commit to at least a year-long contract. I love it!
Security is calling me. 

I find it rather funny how friendships withstand the test of time as if nothing happened. They resume where they’ve left off as if goodbyes were said only yesterday. On the other hand, many relationships start breaking apart at the speed of light even during a short absence.

Everyone knows that long-distance relationships suck. So don’t…

Regarding families, sometimes distance helps to recognize that our love-hate relationship is mostly love. Absence grows the heart fonder. Except, differences are differences and no time apart can reconcile different characters and magically make them get on well together. 

Christian Standard Bible
Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown, among his relatives, and in his household.”

I'm not religious but I frequently pray to angels and other spiritual beings.

I pray not to succumb to guilt that I've chosen to leave, that I've chosen what’s best for me.

I pray not to succumb to shame that I might have failed. As a daughter, as a granddaughter, sister, cousin, or a past girlfriend… I’ve always done as best as I could for that given time.

During my meditation-prayer, I not only observed the light within me, but I felt divine love pouring all over me. Perhaps it was Archangel Jofiel who came to console me and help me open my eyes to my inner beauty. 
Why? Interpersonal relationships with all their differences trigger guilt and shame no matter how hard we pray. Loving ourselves helps ease these feelings.
Sometimes it's a struggle to see the outside beauty, thus the gift of our inner radiance must become the unshakable foundation for self-love.

I don’t know why the connection to the divine felt so intense today, so real tears streamed down my face and gratitude filled my aura field. A complete acknowledgment of my light and also the difficult ordeal that ‘no one is a prophet in their own family’ weighed heavily upon me, yet the support and gratitude rippled through me and I've chosen to stick with the light. It would have been too easy to fail to recognize my fortune, my progress as a human, my spiritual work, and healing. I forgive. I just cannot forget the past, not feel afraid of more hurt and disappointment and humiliation. Is that wrong? 
No, it isn't. Deep down I trust the slow healing process when it comes to this family of mine.


Thursday, July 2, 2020

The Prophecy of Whales

I had a serene dream where beautiful whales came to visit...

I'm getting ready to travel back to the Czech Republic, and sort of getting the feeling that how I'm gonna spend a year from now will be crucial. In a little over 3 weeks, I'll turn 33. I feel like it's a spiritual milestone. The number 3 stands for communication, and number 6 for love. 
According to Reiki teachings, I'm moving into fully embodying my fifth - throat - chakra. Every 7 years we move up the energy centers/chakra scale. From my own experience, I can say that those past few years have been all about authentic self-expression, finding my voice, letting myself shine by being true to who I am, and unapologetically, compassionately accept where I'm coming from. 
By the time I reach 35, I need to be ready to speak my truth confidently which will give rise to fully embracing my inner wisdom - the intuitive knowing behind the sixth - third eye - chakra.
I have too much on my mind at the moment!
May the last days in Thailand be blessed.

Whale Spirit Animal
Author: Elena Harris 

"The whale spirit animal is the earth’s record keeper for all time. As a totem, the whale teaches you about listening to your inner voice, understanding the impact your emotions have on your everyday life, and following your own truth. When the whale enters your life, it may be time to closely examine where you are, the actions and emotions that have brought you to this point, and what you can do to alleviate existing drama and unrest and find peace. Those who have the whale as their animal totem are in touch with true reality. They are nurturers and go-getters who understand there is more to this life than meets the eye."

Whale Symbolism

The whale is commonly associated with emotion, inner truth, and creativity. Here are additional meanings for this totem:
Wisdom holder
Physical and emotional healing
Keeper of history
Importance of family and community
Emotional rebirth
Peaceful strength

"The whale is symbolic of that which cannot be easily vanquished — just as a person’s inner truth, voice, and creativity cannot be easily silenced or subdued."

Whales and Communication

"Whales are amazing communicators able to connect and coordinate with other whales over thousands of miles of ocean. The whale supports us in communicating clearly from our hearts to bridge large distances with others. Whales are also very family-oriented, so the whale helps us bridge any gaps that are keeping us from connecting deeper with our loved ones. Whales support us in speaking our truth with emotion, vulnerability and power."


Friday, June 5, 2020

Staying in the moment

Staring at a little pocket photograph of Amma, the Indian hugging saint, I'm trying to recall what she could have told me that night I finally got to hug her.
Next, I'm thinking of a card I recently pulled out of the Judith Orloff deck stating: Surrender to Divine Timing

Germany, October 2018. Amma whispers something in my ear, I have no idea what... meanwhile I pray for - I believe that I'm not supposed to tell - but, I ask her for helping me manifest a relationship.
My friend Olga got her message in Hindu as well, she was asking for pregnancy.

I look away from the pic and the card and recall of how I've been struggling to get my little business off the ground. Maybe it's not meant to be? 
On the other hand, I realize that I always got what I wanted, but never have been quite specific nor ready for anything I've asked for. How are my love life and career connected?
Well, there's always a corresponding association.

When my goals aren't manifesting fast enough, my ego compells me to resent all my prayers, meditations, and guru-hugging. If I surrender and accept that divine time is ticking very differently to my ego-timing, I can slacken and sigh out in relief...? Is that how it works?
I relax, most of the time, but I admit to feeling frustrated too.
Should I just give up? Take it as a sign that my wish is no one's command and perhaps it's not even right for me? 

They say that trying to force the river is a warning of not going with the flow of life. In other words, making too much effort chases away your highest good.
Where else to turn to see the path of the least resistance?
Maybe Amma advised me to chill, not rush, get high fevers first and spend a week in a hospital with a mysterious infection (true story!) which happened 2 days after I left Germany.

No, frivolousness aside, she could have told me that a real hug from a man was always a better idea than a spiritual hug from a master.
I had an opportunity to see her for the first time in Brisbane back in 2017, yet I chose not to wait in the line and off I chased after a man who wanted to spend the evening with me. Was that worth it? Oh my god, that date was worth dozens of missed festivals and spiritual gatherings! I lived in the moment and enjoyed it.
Although the relationship with that man lasted only a few months, it continued over a distance and it's still nostalgically tender and friendly.
I could write an essay about impermanence...

Olga began expecting sometime later in 2018 and it was a successful pregnancy.

I recovered from my infection and went on to heal a bit of post-antibiotic, disrupted microbiome and grief-induced crash in Asia...
I feel as if I've come full circle.

I now know that being patient and enjoying the blessings of each moment on this earth is key.

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

How I fixed my intimacy issues (article for the Elephant Journal)

Fixing Intimacy Issues
by Pavlina Fedakova

Dr. Seth Meyers writes: "The true meaning of intimacy refers to trust and honesty in a relationship. It requires that you let your guard down and trust that your partner will not take advantage of you." 

I will not lie, despite all my spiritual awareness and relationship experience, I'm a recovering intimacy escapist.
I used to crave a connection that would be out of this world, wishing I'd bumped into a handsome stranger who would sweep me off my feet… until well, until I did, and then I run! I run as fast as I could and shed only a couple of tears which were mostly of gratitude for having have met that person. In fact, the emotional rollercoasters became so predictable, that I learned to simply observe my freaking out, journal about my twisted logic, take contemplative walks to revel in it, and then shun all emotions down. It turned into a talent.
When I freaked out for the first time, I concluded there must have been something wrong with me. I wondered - Maybe I'm antisocial, not made for a relationship, maybe I don't know how to give, maybe I'm not enough and that was way too much…. Later, I learned that I'm pretty loving and socially adequate - no matter how introverted I feel, that I'm a giver - no matter how much I love to receive,  and I'm worthy, yet those experiences didn't level up.
Many of my younger years were consumed in brief relationships based on physical attraction for sexual satisfaction. That translated into the inevitable lack of knowledge about emotional intimacy. Intimacy should be a subject at school where we’d study how to trust the opposite sex, communicate our feelings, and find comfort in vulnerability. Whereas now in my 30's learning these things feels like jumping off the cliff into the sea, naked.
Some time ago, I set out on a quest to face my intimacy fears, hoping to learn in a peaceful but controlled way, microdosing myself with dates with eligible bachelors. Sometimes the man would be so wrong for me that the lesson couldn't be more right - Stop dating bad boys to remain in an intimacy-free comfort zone, instead - go for the good ones, I pep-talked myself.
Now I understand that with radical self-love come more suitable choices. Self-sabotaging by dating a 'jerk' is only a reflection of what you believe you deserve. You must learn to see the value of your uniqueness. If you compassionately accept your background story and your quirks, you'll automatically want someone who can match that love you can give to yourself.
I spent some time getting to know my last crush. That was a first. I inspected him like the police, questioning his relationship history and checking every detail about his psyche. I expected to detect if he was just as avoidant as me since we tend to attract our mirrors. Not sure how far I was ready to take it, I slipped back into the old pattern. I run back to my shell, then towards him, then away again.
In the end, I concluded he was exactly what I needed and I committed to being interested. 
One evening, he shared something he doesn't usually talk about. Hesitantly, I reciprocated with a similar secret. After the exchange of trust, he drew me close to hug me which wasn't sexual at first, more like an affectionate: "Even if I never got you, I still like and appreciate you". Suddenly, I was brought back to the room to smell his hair, feel his stubble prickling my cheek and his warm lips kissing my neck. An electricity impulse shot right down my pants. I longed to have him hold me and consume me. The physical bodies disappeared. Left were only two masses of energy intertwining in a dynamic play. I felt safe, my heart open to giving and receiving, ready to merge with his spirit. It was all about the hearts anyway.
Emotional intimacy preceded the physical. In reverse order, we feel depleted of energy and more alone than before - a frequent mistake of intimacy escapists. Real intimacy is not as scary in practice as it's in theory. Vulnerability is attractive. I encourage you to take the plunge. Don't be with someone who isn't willing to dive in with you. Be patient, and embrace the fact that you still might be an Intimacy Junior.
By Pavlina Fedakova

Saturday, May 30, 2020

Koh Phangan sexual healing

Can one passionate evening change what you thought you knew about yourself, men, and relationships?

I decided to leave Koh Phangan and move on to the next adventure - making my way back to the West.

Classic, I met a romantic interest just when I realized that my days in KP were numbered and that I’d happily spend them alone in productivity.

I had wished for a boyfriend 3 months before, then concluded I’d settle for a fling, and in my last coupla weeks, half-frustrated, I understood that a new lover wouldn't fit well into my schedule. 

“I simply wouldn’t have the time for him!” was my consolation.

I plan my ferry out and hold and behold, here he comes. Turns out, the time I found once the right man stepped in front of me. Or perhaps, I crossed his path - with a smoothie in my hand. I knew it would be him. Inconspicuous but tall, dark stubble, blond mane and green eyes. Hello there, Frenchie.

I’m keeping it rational as I know that connections are more easily made thousands of miles away from home and responsibilities - especially - during a pandemic that’s been forcing us to distance and deal with longings alone.
I’m only a human and those past 3 months haven’t been the easiest on me either. But there were some huge bouts of gratitude and solid moments of happiness in my own company. Is that strange?

Here comes this French fellow to trigger some pain points.

Utterly honest, vulnerable, and emotional communication preceded anything physical between us. 
This time I checked everything about him before I let him into my heart.
I’ve been around many men, and I am well aware that certain factors from our childhood determine how well we do as adults in relationships and career-wise too. 
He has done the real work on himself - there was no bullshit in the way he presented himself. Not like the hippies around here claiming that orgies and psychedelics will do the work for them. Anyone bragging about various spiritual certificates, learning metaphysics, or attending re-birthing workshops after workshops isn’t authentic unless they do the inner work themselves afterward day after day.
Knowing the theory nor experiencing visions will do the trick!

Our romance ‘in the real’ world wouldn’t be ideal - at least not with our current circumstances, but for now - it was exactly what I wanted. I needed to uncover my unconscious beliefs about my capacity for trusting a man, ask myself hard questions about my own readiness for a relationship and reconsider how I would present myself if the opportunity for something stable came along - how would I take it? Would I run from intimacy as I always do?
This time, with some stumbling and fumbling, I walked towards.

I felt bold in opening my heart and my mind to a man whose realness and warmth enchanted me. Our interactions brought me a breath of fresh air and the realization that good, available, and emotionally intelligent men with open hearts are out there! Yay🙌🏼

And let me tell you, our physical connection was out of this world. It must have healed my heart, opened a portal to new kinds of manifesting, but also made me alive, sad and grateful when parting with him. Unexplored territory! with a (near) stranger!

I’m grateful for my ability to create deep connections in record time and for having attracted great men into my bed in the last coupla years.

Maybe I’ll see this man again, maybe I won’t. I am ready for anything.

Like I say in my new book - A goddess doesn’t always have to be in a relationship. She may care for a few lovers she’s transparent with or she may enjoy long periods of celibacy.

I’m that woman.

Friday, May 15, 2020

Dancing and love-making - the feelings of coming come

What do you do when you feel like there's nothing to say, no post to write, and no photo to show on Instagram?
Do you just stop sharing?

Probably yes. Good news, there is a way to reverse it.

Sharing is caring, and truly, when I log-in to Insta and see a familiar face greeting me on the home page, it makes my heart leap with joy. Maybe we're robbing some devotees of feeling the same when we keep ourselves private?

Today I busted great dance moves in my kitchen, just like yesterday in a hotel room that I booked in Haad Rin. I was in need of a 'vacation'. 
Haad Rin beach is only a 30-minutes drive from where I live so... a pretty strange vacation idea.
Yet, it's in alignment with "Stay home - stay safe". This 125 km² island is my only option for an escape right now and that little overnight trip was worth every penny!

I meditated, I studied, I journaled and I dreamed. And of course, the beach at that side of the island is just magic.

Arriving back to my little apartment in the jungle felt so heart-warming...
The following dance on the leftover ceremonial cacao (What am I gonna do after the very last dose?!), the dance oh my God... it felt like COMING HOME to myself again!

Dancing is like a drug, an instant uplifter, an ecstatic bliss, an answered prayer, it's written in my blood, like a familiar feeling of coming home... to God, my glorious body, my sweat, and all the feel-good memories of my spiritual family in Australia... that's right.
I left in October 2018, I withdrew shortly afterward and I tried not to think about it to ward off grief... 
Today, I remembered where I belonged and where I left my heart. I danced with my grief not knowing if the tears were of pain or joy, but I welcomed them. It was raw, beautiful and vulnerable, it was like making love...

An excerpt from my old blog:

"A lovely yoga teacher Emma B at a Brisbane studio that I only visited for the gig of Elijah Ray before, started yesterday's Vinyasa flow by setting an intention to recognize that which feels like coming home again...
She gave a few examples - doing yoga after a long absence, finally eating after starving all day, meeting a best friend after many years, finally painting, cooking.... etc.
The first thing that occurred to me was DANCING.
Then SEX - yes, it always feels like coming home (more on that later) but definitely, it is DANCING.

When I asked the Spirit last Sunday: "Where would I feel happier? Sitting in a cinema and watching Wonderwoman (for which I already paid), or taking a long walk to sunset markets and finding something to eat there?"
It sounds so obvious now! It made me laugh when the answer came - but, not so fast - prior to my asking it out loud there was a mess, all mixing and mingling in my head. I had feelings of guilt for wasting money (the cinema ticket), for not wanting to relax as I said I would, and then other feelings surfaced - do I really wanna walk somewhere that far just to get some food, eat it ALONE and then walk back???

However, when I composed a simple question, detached of all [untrue] thoughts..... the answer felt like a gush of fresh air with many positive feelings attached! The Spirit knew!

Needless to say, I had the time of my life. It wasn't just about the delicious Sri-Lankan food at all. It was the Tribal gig, then another solo gig, the sweaty spontaneous dancing, the lovely people around, the great vibes, and the walk there and back offered great sights of Darwin too.

Dancing, even if unplanned, is like coming home to me... that is my passion. It never feels lonely, the joy is contagious, and as a result, everything else feels familiar." 

As long as I keep dancing, no matter where I am, I can always feel 'at home'. That is a feeling I like to share.

By the way, while yesterday's dance was all about self-appreciation, sensuality and surrender, today's dance definitely facilitated a divine connection.
So here you go, we make energetic-love in dancing too.

What do you recognize as your 'coming home'...?

Check out my new website to work with me on loving yourself more:

Saturday, May 2, 2020

The inner journeys we take

Confusion is a good place to be. Or, as Joe Dispenza calls it: It is in the discomfort where change happens. And I don't know about you, but change is all I'm after. Confusion and discomfort are hopeful signs.
Today I realized that if I look back at this time in a few months, I don't want to regret that I didn't use it wisely and productively enough. By productively, I don't mean sitting down to writing my first bestseller (I wish), except before I get to that unshakeable resolute point of creativity, I need to be productive in uncovering all that holds me back from living my best life. And yeah, that includes the limiting beliefs preventing me from writing the book at this, perhaps appropriate, time. 
Becoming an author of a non-fiction masterpiece is not the only thing on my vision board though.
There isn't so much left to discover regarding my beliefs. I know my reasons for procrastinating and doubting myself and I am sure that deep down you know yours.
We have to re-write the script. There might be some probable future set in stone now, but it is not the only possible future that the quantum field holds for us.

Every year since 2011, I listen to the Hayhouse summits. 
If you need an extra dose of inspiration, listen to Gabrielle Bernstein talking about surrendering to higher power whenever she feels powerless. Yes, the help comes from real sources, people and earthly situations.

The first time I tried a meditative mp3 sometime in 2010, I knew it would become a powerful healing tool for me forever. Meditation is a source of divine inspiration and relief within me and around me. I am pleased to say that it is something I perform daily. I will have to keep that habit even after the quarantine!
If you've never tried to meditate, you might want to visit the page of my most beloved mentor Marie Forleo. She has a 10-minute practice along with her personal mantra that she introduced during an interview with Tim Ferriss here:
I recommend watching the 3-minute video first. Plus, Tim Ferriss is another worthwhile teacher!
Under the video sits a link to her downloadable meditation.
Myself, I prefer absolute silence or relaxing music nowadays.
Last year, I joined a Vipassana meditation silent retreat and I came out of it a different person. 1.-12.5. 2019 changed the course of my life - like many other spiritual events before and after that continue doing so!

I have been learning tons about myself in the past weeks here in Koh Phangan and I am grateful to be able to pass on my wisdom to the handful of clients I coach online.
It is somewhat not quite enough to fulfill me.
When this isolating period's over, I am gonna get out there and do some hands-on healing work because I miss human touch like nothing else these days.

Acknowledging grief is essential during this period. In fact, anytime we feel empty, unloved, or regretful, we can replace what's been lost with the Divine... For nothing else can heal the void and clean space for something new to come.
Don't bandage your wound with another wound.
It doesn't have to be related to touch, intimacy, or a person per se, perhaps you miss certain conveniences of life outside of the pandemic.
Either way, you might gain more clarity about how best to help yourself heal with a little self-inquiry. 
If you still haven't read my article in the Elephant Journal: 'What Covid-19 is teaching us about sex & pleasure-seeking', it is here:
Please 'heart' it or comment if you enjoyed it.

I wish you a wonderful weekend wherever you are on your personal journey x


Friday, May 1, 2020

If only wine stopped pain and solved problems

It finally dawned on me today, how much I miss Singapore.
I read articles about grief, and then it hit me too.
I am going to have to stay here in Thailand for one more month. I'm not entirely unhappy about this necessary decision, yet I've not planned such a lengthy trip. I adjusted to the circumstances and I feel quite blessed to be stuck on a deserted island with no Coronavirus cases. Nevertheless, my heart has never been here.

I am not convinced that it's the city that I miss. I suspect that what I miss is all the conveniences that I (we all) had prior to the pandemic. In Singapore, I found a comfortable clean houseshare, felt secure, could sit down to eat at hawker's food courts, traveled daily to a gym where they knew me by name, had the perfect fitness routine, mustered some social life, and made a few amazing local friends. Perhaps it wouldn't have mattered where I was then, as long as it felt 'normal' and wholesome. It just happened that Singapore was the last destination I've visited before everything went downhill everywhere.

Undoubtedly, in that Lion city, I learned to trust my feelings and embrace my social anxiety. Right, even when I could socialize back then in January and February, I wouldn't.

I used to drink more than I needed when I let my social anxiety get the better of me… 
One night in the condo in Pandan Valley, I decided not to go to a party I was invited to and neither drink down my guilt and shame and whatnot with a glass of wine on my own.

I went to the communal swimming pool instead, just to stare at the sky and float… I understood then that something profound had shifted.

Just an hour before, I would not stop obsessing about a glass of red wine that I would get. I didn’t really want to drink alcohol but I craved a quick fix… What I wanted was to feel safe, at ease, reassured that I was good enough and everything was going to be fine… Honestly, I didn’t fancy the walk to the supermarket, the havoc in my blood sugar that even a small amount of wine gives me, the blurry eyes in the morning, fatigue, a headache, and in the worst case - undesirable bouts of panic attacks. That’s how sensitive my body became.

All I desired was to stop the train of thought, get my ass to the pool and chill…
All I needed was to float…

I believe that God has always had a protective hand around my shoulders…God/the universe/the divine/nature is what keeps me above water if I surrender. When I let go of controlling the situation by my own petty actions. 
Oh, God, you wanna help me? Sure, but I’ve got this, let me just have my wine anyway… 
My self-medicating never helped to create desirable results in the past and will never do.

On that night, I realized I was changing history.

As I was floating, I felt increasingly more relieved, weightless, and happier.
I knew I could have a drink if I wanted, but it felt gratifying to give in the temptation less and less often. It wasn't easy to admit I was addicted to sneakily escaping myself, yet I knew I had to stop running in circles. I trusted that my decision to stay sober was right and that I displayed immense courage that would help me face any emotions to come.

If only I knew back then... 
I probably did.

In the past weeks in Koh Phangan, despite the alcohol ban, I went back on the occasional wine. Maybe the forbidden fruit does taste better. But now the ban's lifted. 
In my opinion, wine is an unpredictable substance and it slows down my creativity.
It would not keep me a good company in my last lockdown month. Therefore, I am saying goodbye to alcohol for the whole month of May, plus it is my Vipassana meditation course 1 year anniversary. 

Let's welcome all feelings without craving or aversion!

Saturday, April 25, 2020

Eyes are the windows to the soul

I have not been myself lately.... a pervasive inner conflict between my divine feminine and divine masculine ultimately manifested as a bulky sty inside my eyelid - I didn't know it was a thing until my eyelid swelled, kept on attaining a nice dark pink color, itched and nearly covered all my right iris... I hope it will go down soon! Meanwhile, I act as usual. I drive my scooter with 1,5 eyes, brunch on the balcony with my neighbor and meditate on my condition and the neverending power battle long hours each day.

I see that the stereotypes concerning the meaning of being a woman and the meaning of being a man simply don't fit anymore... have they ever? 
Look at the photo below, I'd say that my inner woman is half of what my inner man isn't.... and there, right there, I understood that in the same way that I have been castrating the males out there I subjugate the inner man within me too... I don't trust him. 
Yet, I need him.
My analytical, protective and objective side will not appreciate my supposed to be loving and sensitive side if I don't become more yielding and won't surrender.
The following adjectives are a little off by the way. These are typical for the Yang (masculine) and Yin (feminine) energies. But not for today's human males and females.

The feminine is loving, soft but strong, not weak, and so is the masculine if embodied right.

I surrendered today. I made love to myself and learned that I can trust my man. It is safe to let go, to lose control in front of him, look vulnerable, and accept my fears... 
I once felt afraid to drive a scooter, now I am a natural. I drive for at least an hour every day to distant beaches, to shops and to fill my water bottles all day long. It is possible thanks to my focused and reliable masculine energy. The moment I acknowledged that polarity as trustworthy and safe everything turned around. I trust the driver I am.

I tapped on meridians to tackle my fear of road accidents and interestingly, I discovered that it's okay to have fear - but if I surrender and trust my inner man, I am extra vigilant and safe as a result.

I am both a woman and a man, both silly and wise, and both healed and ever so messed up.

I give myself permission not to have good eye days, good hair days, flat stomach days, hell - smiley face days and vital body days.
I give myself permission to see myself as beautiful and radiant.

I give myself permission to accept my ever-changing unpredictable personality.
I give myself permission to act boring in front of those who don’t know my instability. 

I give myself permission to be anti-social by default and thus fine with social distancing.
I give myself permission to crave human touch and then despise it at once. 

I give myself permission to overeat.
I give myself permission not to eat at all if I don't feel like it.

I give myself permission to be lazy.
I give myself permission to have manic bouts of overexercising. 

I give myself permission to overthink.
I give myself permission not to think at all.

I give myself permission to read novels 24/7 some weeks and no fiction books for months at a time.

I give myself permission to be motionless.
I give myself permission to be all over the place. 

I give myself permission to feel good about being bad and feel bad about being good.

I give myself permission to judge myself.
I give myself permission to have the most unconditional acceptance of myself.

The world is full of contrasts and colors. I am all and I am nothing.


Thursday, April 16, 2020

PMS again!? Why?

There is never enough of period posts, isn't it?

Last month's cycle was beauuuuuutiful! A painless, short, mentally stable-ish, and vital process. That's what's possible when you're a diligent guinea pig. I nailed what Alisa Vitti recommends in her book: In the flo
However, I omitted some treacherous details, setting myself up for a small disaster the next month.

This month has been challenging.
I can't blame the Universe, men or COVID-19, it is all my innocent delinquency... 
Thankfully, I realized what I've done wrong before it could have spiraled and I'd went off the rails completely.
When your diet cannot save you, your compassionate heart and focused mind will.

What are the symptoms of Pre-Menstrual Syndrom aka PMS? 
It ranges from physical tension, muscle cramps, bloating, indigestion, moodiness to light insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks and uncontrollably intense emotions - usually those of despair and sadness. It is common to tear up more easily before or during a woman's period or have all kinds of unkind thoughts towards oneself and anger towards the opposite sex...

But why? 
What is the trigger behind women being cheerful the first half of the cycle and mini-monsters in the second half (sometimes)?

It's a combination of the wrong type of food, lifestyle choices, repeated unhealthy patterns in diet and toxic relationships, and disrespecting the female infradian rhythm - we just function differently in life week to week than men do. Certain actions either align with our hormonal system or they sabotage it.  
Read on the other details and hands-on tips on how can we prevent PMS.

Of course, there is a room for a cheat day. But again - the day has only 24 hours. I know ladies, that we tend to stretch the indulgence way beyond the one day.
Good news, every week of your 4-week cycle allows for different indulgences.

Alisa Vitti recommends the following lifestyle and dietary choices:
Start with the first day of the menstrual phase (week 1) - treat it as a holistic cleansing time. Go inward and attune to your intuition. Steer clear of alcohol, caffeine, sugar and rest a lot. Eat protein and healthy fats to keep you energized and full. 
What you haven't done right the last time around, start correcting it in the following follicular phase (week 2).  Load up on fermented foods and introduce cardio exercise. It's a good time to learn and plan. 
During ovulation (week 3), you are allowed to experiment with vigorous exercise like HIIT, intermittent fasting, light imbibing (though it's still best not to drink), and a little of caffeine if needed. Focus on building muscle, eat more raw or paleo. It's the easiest time to communicate your needs clearly to others and be more social. 
In your luteal phase (week 4), where you are predisposed to lower energy and carbohydrates craving due to the drop in progesterone and estrogen rising, honor your body’s need for extra calories. Have rice, sweet potato, gluten-free noodles - starches are advisable and guilt-free. Leading up to the period, we must decrease inflammation. No dairy, no alcohol, no caffeine, no sugar, and no gluten. Stay clear of biscuits and fried food. 

The sneaky mistake #1: My diet was clean but only around 1000 calories a day simply for the lack of the time to eat - I was too busy learning shamanic healing. I also felt overwhelmed regarding the whole lockdown situation, plus I dealt with a romance gone wrong and sleep deprivation. 
Before menstruation, it is crucial that we ease out on the exercise, try pilates or swimming instead, schedule priorities and take care of our personal needs first. 
A mistake # 2: I didn't relax during the bleed, I went back on the coffee, worked late nights and some days I even hiked over 20k steps. 

If you follow the protocol the whole 4 weeks +/-, come the menstrual phase again, you have no cramps, you're ready to sleep more, do yoga and screw the world.

My check-list:
Simple anti-inflammatory nutrition during the 4-week cycle ✓
More food in the Luteal phase ✗
Rest, yoga and sound sleep during the menstrual phase ✗
Still, my body rewarded me with the most easygoing period of my life ✓
Hold and behold...
Now you'll see how everything's connected.

Nearly one month later, I am going crazy over Oreos, sweet lattes, bread, and wine... like wtf? My body is compensating for the 2 past mistakes in a counter-productive way... yet it makes sense.
Maybe I’m also paying for the lack of lovers in my bed ... But it's not been a loveless month, and that is why mentally I am doing pretty okay. My PM emotional rollercoaster happened very briefly and it didn't make me despise the whole world. I've been very grateful. 
We need love, we need our tribe and a favorable environment to feel happy.
With this awareness of my actions - poor nutrition, unmet needs of my natural biorhythm, I still have a third option: 
Be kind to myself ✓
Always. No need to wait for a specific phase of the cycle, a day of the week, or for when I do everything right. 
No reason needed for being kind to oneself.

The time to get back on track is now.

If PMS strikes, get off the coffee now, supplement yourself with adaptogens like Reishi and Chaga mushrooms, Ashwagandha herb, take extra calcium and magnesium, be kind to yourself and listen to your intuition - perhaps it’s trying to tell you that some pattern is not quite right for you. 

Monday, April 13, 2020

How to stay true to yourself

Particularly at this unusual time...
It takes a little self-discipline initially, but once you get in the rhythm it's surprisingly natural and can be quite fun to act like no pandemic or the end of the world is befalling right now. 
Mind you - this is not a 101 for becoming superhuman or a proposal to change yourself inside out and revamp your life in the next few weeks - especially not if you've never dabbled into transformation before; this post is not going to urge to come out of this COVID-19 situation all-new, stronger, better, prettier, smarter, richer or in a relationship!

This is to inspire you to use your time with an awareness of how precious these months could be if you adopt a hopeful perspective. This is the perfect moment to discover who you really are, stripped of all past labels, experiences, statuses and social life. You may explore what you really, really want when there is no one around to set the tone to your mood and tell you what you need and should want. 

As for me, I am becoming the one. The soulmate lover I always wanted to have.
I am living as if I was in a commited relationship with my mirror.
My guy out there is not watching Netflix for hours every night (just shortly), he considers this time as an extra-long Vipassana retreat where he can learn more about himself, he goes inward for introspection, he meditates before he busies himself with frivolities, he consoles himself before he seeks consolation from his friends or family, he sees through his bullshit and plans a different course of action, he is grateful for every day he wakes up healthy and hopeful, he waits calmly and patiently for the storm to pass, he keeps himself fit as he would have outside of the quarantine, he sits with his feelings before he reaches for alcohol to help him manage them a bit faster, my guy out there knows that this downtime is an opportunity to visualize healing, love and the great life to come which will be lived more consciously and with extra gratitude than ever before. 
He makes it a point that he is not on any dating app. He is online to learn, discover, create and help others in need.
Yes, that is me. 

I am staying true to myself and not resorting to any desperate measures. Pandemic or not, I am still alive, knowing this too shall pass and I am grateful for all the support I have received throughout my entire life from the souls I've met and from the Universe. It won't be any other way once this is over. I want to get ready to shine brighter as a result of ditching the ways that were bringing me down.
I know I will come out of this better as a side effect.
Anyone can - if we discover who we really are and stay true to that image.
Make no compromises, go after what you want with the confidence that you deserve it and love, health, success, and abundance are for you.

Friday, April 10, 2020

Giving men opportunity

I acknowledge that I was getting disappointed by the men I was meeting in the last few months after I'd left Prague in the middle of December...I have a chance to change my attitude now.
If you're a woman who could use a little help meeting new men (perhaps on your way to the pharmacy!), this post could teach you how to give a man the opportunity to step up.

Going back to basics, it's time to recall why women need men, why we appreciate them and what we love about being with them. Even though it is wonderful to be single and live independently - it is still critical to inhale the masculine scent up close, feel the safety of a bear-like embrace and be looked after every now and then.

Here's a homage to the fine men I was fortunate enough to have met, along with a few tips for finding them and keeping them.

For women, it can get somewhat frustrating to stick to all those dating manuals out there. We're not supposed to chase men, tell them what to do, act tough and self-sufficient and above all - never make the first move...

There's nothing wrong with a man addressing you out of the blue. Or is it? I like when men do not need my initiative and just walk up to me. But more often than not, these men seem emotionally unavailable, macho men with massive self-esteem or egoists. 
So how the hell are we to speak with someone a bit less of a jerk?
Some great guys have huge difficulties approaching women. 
For the less confident men out there, it requires a little feminine cunningness to help them see a green light signaling: Hey you, come on over... 
Yes, there is a way to bypass all this dating advice confusion and actually get a good man to pursue you.

Let's hypothesize a little. For the larger part, it sits better with men if they think that it was they who got you hooked and that whatever you two are up to is thanks to his idea.
Don't ask me how I know it's true, but I have met all sorts of men in my life, and those who stayed in my world are the most precious gentlemen I appreciate tremendously. These are not extinct species, there are millions of men full of integrity, masculine energy, thoughtful action, born protectors, respectful of the feminine fickleness and creativity - these men are still in my life in one way or another because I inspire them to be their best selves and they understand that I need and enjoy their presence. These males are my friends, past boyfriends, and past and present clients. 

Women who know their worth, relax.
Thus, not only do the men around you think it's so great that they found you, it feels a whole lot natural to you too if you remember that you didn't have to chase anyone or manipulate them into staying with you. The latter is doable - but - a man who stays by your side purely out of loyalty still doesn't have to love you or worship you. 
Do you want a buddy whose heart isn't in it, or do you want a champion who cannot imagine his life without protecting you?
You don't chase - you inspire. How?

Men need to be given a window of opportunity to approach you and show you what they're made of - if that's what they want.

My first boyfriend was a member of the gym I used to work at... I chose him out of the lot. I didn't chase him. He introduced himself as a musician, I asked where I could listen to his stuff. He gave me his MySpace (probably a non-existent platform now). Before friending him, I updated my profile to make sure he'd stumble upon my modeling photos (Hey, I was 20).
Right, he sent a compliment, I sent one back regarding his music... just a window of opportunity for him to ACT.
So he invited me to the studio, the rest is history. We still communicate periodically.

My second boyfriend is now my best friend and he, unfortunately, set the bar too high. I gave him the green light by being interested in his life outside of our workplace. I never tried to control him, I gave him a chance to be a giver and protector.

One of my first clients who had several issues with sexuality, emotional intimacy and personal relationships found me by accident... I didn't think I had impressed him by my knowledge at all. Yet he started coming for coaching fairly regularly until I got over myself, noticed his undeniable progress, and acknowledged my damn skills. He turned into a confident and open-hearted man in front of my eyes. I have never pushed him to keep up with his sessions, I didn't hassle him for more long-term packages, I just gave him unconditional acceptance and the opportunity for growth. Even though we have ceased working together (he doesn't need my help now), we became truly great friends. Such emotional intimacy between a man and a woman who have never been physically intimate is hard to come by.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine suggested: I think you should meet new people.
Yes, absolutely. Ehm, how? I am in Koh Phangan where I know 5 and a half people (a Czech idiom), restaurants and clubs are closed let alone the ban of private events and large group meetings. 
My routine: I go to the shop, maybe the beach, ride my bicycle and go home. 
But I also hunt for a house to rent. So I find myself in Srithanu, just strolling, and this guy rides by on a bike. "You need a lift?"
I didn't. But I accepted it. Why not, let's go wherever you were going... and so we headed to the local beach. I discovered a really charming good-hearted man in Gabriel. Who wouldn't be a God's messenger with that name anyway? I hope that we will meet for some more philosophical discussions.

I also got to strike a lovely convo with someone at the immigration office. But he hasn't asked for my number. It is important to discern that it is not your job to charm someone enough to the point that they ask for your contact details. Remember, it is not a project to be considered a catch and therefore, it is not your duty to ask a guy for his number. Honestly, it will feel better for both parties involved if the male is the one thinking he went fishing and caught the perfect fish. If he doesn't ask, he might be in a relationship and so he doesn't need to /want to contact you in the future. Simple.

The most important example:
Today, I am riding my bicycle and notice a tall dark stranger whom I keep seeing around leaving a driveway. I hit the pedals and aim towards the Phantip market... I doubted he would have suddenly changed his favorite eating place...
Sure enough, when I get off my horse by the entrance, all sweaty, my eyes meet his. Time for a smile...
To smile is the perfect thing a girl can do to open the window of opportunity. However, don't expect miracles after an inconspicuous move that is oftentimes misinterpreted or impossible to act on in a timely fashion.
By now, him and his friends must know that 'this girl is friendly and approachable.'

I take my chances. I put my face mask on, walk in and casually, slowly pass them by... we greet. I commence a small talk... yes, I do. It's more playful than you think. 
They all seem really nice guys... I announce that I'll go get a smoothie and that I'll probably see them around.
To my surprise, my favorite one, T., reappears to ask if I am staying here alone and if perhaps one day I'd like to hang out.
"Yeah, that would be nice," I say with a big bright smile under the mask... 
Behold, he had no idea I followed his bike all the way from the junction. I just turned up at the right time at the right place as if I planned nothing. 

Step 1 - Give them an opportunity to approach you.
Step 2 - Do nothing else but be friendly.
Step 3 - If they ask for your contact details, let them text you first.
If step 3 won't happen, no harm done.

Meanwhile, have fun and meet more people. This has never been difficult for me. I like to open the window of opportunity and leave the rest up to faith. The new interest might end up leading you to other wonderful possibilities and life lessons. It is not always about a potential romance and that's what makes it exciting.
Mission accomplished.