Women, hormones and PMS

"Women are like tornados. You are just sitting, relaxing, enjoying the day... and all of a sudden shit don't feel right."

-  Lynne Koplitz, comedian

Exactly as Lynne describes, the climate changes. Just like that. 
She admits that a small thing triggered it, but it has been brewing...

Joking aside. Besides living hormonal no matter the age or weather, the week leading up to menstruation - the luteal phase - is the hardest one for the majority of reproductive women. Do you, too, turn into a tornado?
The following advice is directed to fertile pre-menopausal women. Menopausal and post-menopausal women need a slightly different approach to manage their hormonal levels. Nevertheless, we all experience uncomfortable bodily sensations and mood swings to a certain degree.

How to survive periods with calm and composure and enjoy the many privileges of the monthly cleanse? 

You might be shocked right there. Privileges?
Yes, there are numerous advantages to our flow... yet we tend to sabotage it with the wrong diet, activities and mindset.
If you discovered you suffer from premenstrual syndrome, it's typical to give in to your cravings and swinging emotions. But that's what causing PMS to stick in the first place! What pays dividends, is to discipline ourselves.
With practice, that self-control will start to feel good and raises your self-esteem. Periods are such deeply intuitive, introspective times full of ancient magick - give yourself the gift of treating your body right.

I used to prefer the first two weeks of my cycle because my body was naturally more energetic and my mind steady. After ovulation, it would all go downhill, terrible PMS and all - if I continued doing what I could get away with in the first half of the cycle.
It means that while a glass of wine, some cheese and intense workouts are fine when I'm in the Follicular and Ovulation phase, it's not serving me well in the Luteal phase and Menstrual phase.¹ 

Now I see the beauty of the second half of the cycle. In the luteal phase, we should be grateful that all our senses are heightening and intuitive hunches are hard to miss. However, that includes our worries, too. Everything gets louder.

The menstrual phase is perfect for going within, reflecting and resting...
It can be the most miraculous time for a woman deeply in touch with herself and her body. If we calm down and sit in stillness, answers come faster and clearer than ever. 

But, how can I go within when something inside of me wants to jump out of my skin?

Literally, something in there crawls...
Women with PMS can relate. It's like if the mind went on an evil crazy trip and the body dragged behind, preparing for execution. Perhaps even willing it.

If you need to scream and cry, scream and cry.
But there is a long-term solution to banish those intense roller-coaster emotions.

Enough research has been done that certain foods, activities, and chemicals influence our thoughts and thus contribute to our sadness just as well as happiness...² 
We can ask our body for a signal if what we eat is right or not.

I received an indirect message about the side-effects of dairy during my Vipassana meditation course last year. That night, I put a lot of powdered cow's milk into my herbal tea, hungry after just an apple for dinner. While trying to fall asleep despite my stomach cramps (possibly the lactose), I heard a voice in my head wailing "I feel so saaaaaad." 

Why? I had no reason.
I can only think of the low-grade milk full of hormones irritating my stomach and colon and tricking my mind into believing I had to be sad. According to the research of Felice Jacka, dairy indeed induces inflammation and thus messes up with the brain. 
Simply, I can no longer tolerate what has once been tolerable. As I am getting older (and wiser), I am becoming extraordinarily sensitive to alcohol, trans fats, refined sugars and, with a heavy heart, dairy. There is no need to remain stubborn regarding diet and lifestyle.  
Recently, I slipped (Yes, I'm not perfect) and during a small celebration with someone close, I downed 2 glasses of rose... To my surprise, I woke up the next day with the whole room spinning. More serious was fighting panic attacks for half a day.
To someone, 2 glasses of wine might not be much. For me and many women in the luteal phase, they are lethal.

Women have to start paying special attention to self-care around ovulation time. 

We crave sugar, carbs, dairy, and alcohol. Don't listen to those cravings word for word. Make these swaps:

Sugar -> Fresh fruit, honey, fruit preserve without added sugar, raisins
Refined carbs (pastry) -> Make your own with whole-grains like oats or eat Japanese sweet potato (super sweet)
Dairy -> dairy-free almond milk yogurts, silken tofu with stevia, vegan protein powders, coconut milk
Alcohol -> learn to love water. Refreshing alternative - apple cider vinegar with lemon, honey and sparkling water.
Vegetable oils -> Nuts, oily fish

Be patient.

Especially later in the luteal phase, it is crucial that we avoid processed foods not to create inflammation in our gut. 
My periods became painless thanks to this rule that I have unwittingly adopted years ago when noticing gluten and sugar sensitivity. 

I never used to suffer headaches, I now know that refined sugar is that thing that causes your headache when on period. Probably somewhat less noticeable in any other phase. The misconception is that we throw all carbs under the same hood. It's not accurate. We need complex carbs like oats, sweet potatoes, brown rice or quinoa.³ Gorge on them during the last two phases and watch the stress, pain and perhaps even fat melt away...
Right, try it!

If tired, then rest.

As Alisa Vitti recommends, skip the HIIT class in the gym, and try pilates or yoga instead. Have herbal tea, not alcohol, and watch a comedy movie. Not feeling social is perfectly ok. You don't need to isolate yourself but connect with others on your own terms. Maybe a walk in the park or coffee and chat instead of a huge event filled with strangers. 

A note on that coffee... I can confirm it triggers anxiety and anger issues if we drink too much. You could take it down to just one cup to ensure you won't get nervous, adrenals don't get exhausted and you prepare for great night sleep.

Learning to stop eating and drinking what doesn't contribute to my wellbeing is a life-long quest that I will never give up on. 

Once I asked the Universe to give me a sign of what to do to start feeling healthier. Clear words of direction came out of the mouth of my friend across the globe who called me that beautiful starry night: "Ah, you must be so happy in Asia, adopting the healthy lifestyle of no dairy and no alcohol!" and he is not one of those nutrition gurus, believe me...

Perhaps we know what to do after all… we just resist sometimes.
Clearly, divine timing is very different from ego timing.
As Gabriella Bernstein says: We have to let go of control, surrender and allow things to happen.
Somehow, I can see how this can help our periods too.

References:
¹Cycle phases first seen named in .pdf report from Alisa Vitti, an expert on female hormonal balance, nutrition and infradian rhythms.
²Food and Mood Centre founded by Felice Jacka
https://foodandmoodcentre.com.au
³Some sources recommend as high as 600 grams of carbs to combat diabetes type 1! The trick is to eat very little of fat with your carbs. This new groundbreaking research came from the author of Mastering Diabetes - Cyrus Khambatta

A journey to self-compassion

I've been known to display stubbornness when it comes to exposing my wounds as I don't exactly love to ask others for help.

Yes, I, too, just like my clients, am only a human and I shudder if I have to get vulnerable. 
I'm progressing through the discomfort each day.

While growing up, my mind had been plagued by too many limiting and paralyzing beliefs. Needless to say, those were influencing my behavior until I recognized that the voice of my parents became my own. 

It was time to introduce some radical self-compassion.

As my friend, a positive mindset coach Cassandra, says - 
"If I am teaching a child how to read and write and when he makes a mistake I swear at him and tell him he is useless, he won’t have any motivation to continue and he will believe he is not good enough. The same applies to us: When we speak to ourselves badly we stay small, whereas when our inner voice is nurturing and compassionate, we create safe foundations for growth, creativity and transformation."

I played that swearing parent for many years.

The broken record sounded something like this:

Pavlina, you are so not good enough, remain in your rabbit hole.

Pavlina, shut up, you have nothing interesting to say.

Pavlina, you are so selfish and cold, how can you even imagine to help elevate the lives of others...
Yes, the noise sounded a lot like my mother, but the constant replay of it and believing it was my work.

Those are just a few examples out of thousands.

I don't resent my parents for setting a very challenging foundation. I took their words, I twisted and modified them into the right amount of evil to carry into my adulthood. They kept me stuck in the dark. Now I can relate to those who had it even worse and support them with an empowering approach.

Wistfully, I don't remember receiving much appreciation when learning my worth as a little girl. I heard "You look pretty." when I tied my hair back just like my mum liked it, tried to look 'natural', or wore clothes covering all my curves, but that could not amount to anything fertile since I always had a lousy self-imagine, battled body dysmorphic disorder and still approve of only 1 out of every 100 photos of me. So far we've tackled only the self-image side of a child's development based on how the parents 'nurtured' them. Every smart kid knows that looks, especially morphed into the liking of others, don't matter. Ultimately, that narrow focus only makes everything else more difficult. E.g. Who am I to show the world that I can also be a person of great worth?

Even the recognition of my excellent grades wasn't quite the support I needed to help me build a foundation for self-love. 
Pretty and smart didn't imply 'satisfactory' for me.

I think that the secret lies in not underestimating the importance of telling our children that they are good people, a good girl/good boy.

The only recipient was my younger sister who was frequently told what a good girl, polite, kind, the perfect daughter she was... 
"Why can't you be more like your little sister? She's such a lady..." My dad used to say...

Well, I was a rebel, but I had feelings and a big heart. 

My confidence sat at level 0.

The takeaway: 
We cannot do anything about what has been said in the past, neither can we control or fix other people. The only thing we can do is to adopt an attitude of gratitude for all the lessons we've gone through and set an example for others by expressing differently. Is what you're saying to yourself empowering or is that hurting you and make you re-live the past over and over again?

This week I've been journaling on compassion and commencing a judgment detox. 

It's encouraging me to see that I shall/must reparent myself.

The negative self-talk doesn't impact just me but also those around me who don't even know me. I hold high standards for everyone and obviously, they're set by the unrealistic standards I regard for myself.

It's healing to admit that we are not and never will be perfect in the eyes of everyone. What matters is who we believe we are within. I don't have to be perfect. In fact, I'd rather not for fear that I'd never relate to anyone again, but I must like who I am today and where I'm headed to tomorrow. I am a child of God/Universe and I am here for a reason.

Recognize the pestering voice that is not yours, and teach yourself some new language. The language of self-love, self-compassion and non-judgment. Tell yourself that you are lovable and worthy. Then demonstrate it to the world. It's clearer than ever before that if we put on our own oxygen mask first, only then we are able to assist others with theirs. Let those around you benefit from your radical self-care.

I'd like to know how you're doing with that.
Remember, what took me years can only take you months with the right support network and accountability.

Love,

Pavlina

Singapore on a budget

This post is full of appreciation.
Whenever I look out of my window on the 23rd floor of Laguna Park, a complex on the East Coast in Singapore, I am flooded by feelings of gratitude.
What, I live here?

Accommodation
If you can rent long-term, look for a Facebook group called: Singapore Housing, Rooms, Flats, Apartments, Sublets, Roommates. I found my $210 a week sublet by chance. Sadly, the person who's been off traveling in the past 3 weeks is coming back soon. And off I'll go to embrace homelessness again... Well, did you know that the capsule hostels in Chinatown boast with semi-soundproof pods, usually include free breakfast, laundry facilities and a choice of female-only dorms? Let alone they are in such a cool location with shopping malls and hawker eating courts within a walking distance.  $25-45 a night seems to be the range for the classier stuff. In my opinion, with a bed above $30 per night it's pushing it... it's not like you get much privacy there anyway.
I am looking forward to my usual runs up and down the stars on Ann Siang Hill. 
For now, I can still make the most out of my affordable master bedroom a few steps away from the beach. True, in Ubud I could have a whole villa to myself or a fancy bungalow with Balinese style breakfast every day, but in the end, it is incomparable!

Things to do near my house
Most mornings I stroll down to the beach Hawker place for my black kopi o, then sit on one of the benches along the shore and watch the calm sea lined with boats and ships.
The coffee costs me $1.50 and the view is priceless. Sometimes I journal to clear my head and prepare to deposit some daily feel-good thoughts into my 'optimism bank'. 
I can then either walk to a fruit and veg store about 20 minutes away or cruise around the laguna, voyeuring the hunky wakeboarders. I should try this fun water sport before I leave this part of the town!
The website says it's $50 for beginners. Hmmm...not now.
Once I get back to the apartment, I make breakfast to power me through a gym session. Storing basic groceries at home means I am finally getting super savvy. However, contrary to what people think, the food here is affordable. Oftentimes, it's even cheaper to eat out than cook up something complex at home. Hawker's Laksa for lunch - $5, and oh my god, how delicious is that! I eat more real food here than in Bali where after $10 lunch in the 'cleaner' restaurants, I felt quite cheated and still hungry. Ok, I could have paid just $2 at a street stall. Sometimes it would work out just fine but at other times, I would spend half the night crouched down above the toilet. (Later, from below the toilet, having stuff flying out both ends, ehm, a very unforgettable night.)

Fitness
I frequent the gym every day. It became my second home where they know me by name. I tend to attend classes based on my mood and current energy level. If I am super busy or tired, I don't mind to skip it, but then I make sure that I make up for it by spending there a good 2 hours the next day, or walking a bit extra or swimming in our communal pool, which is free. My gym membership is the most expensive thing I currently don't want to compromise on. Still, it has a good value for someone who cannot commit to 3 months or longer at this stage. I hold it on a monthly basis, no joining fee, no commitment, all classes included, no charge for towels - $200. For me, there's no question that it's worth it.
There are yoga classes in independent studios around here that ran as high as $25. Conveniently, one can book cheaper classes over the app called Classpass. They offer a 30-day free trial.
My favorite class takes place outside on a wooden deck, right across the Marina Bay Sands Hotel. The view is abundance itself. It fetches only $10 if booked through the app and you feel like a million dollars throughout and afterward. Laura, the facilitator, offers some passes on the spot, too. 
She also hosts Sunday yin yoga and gong sound healing sessions that are by donation only! Not to be missed. For acro fans, there is a free Acro Jam every Thursday evening near One Raffles Place.
If you want a free workout altogether, the coast is lined with basic exercising equipment for anyone to use. Jogging along the river is also free!

Coworking
If you're a so-called digital nomad or a creative life coach like me, you will love it in Singapore.
There is WeWork, Spaces, and alike. I find this website with comprehensive reviews very helpful: here
Smart Space in Waterloo Street is running 2 weeks free trial at the moment. I enjoyed my time there, but in the end, I decided that $360 a month with a curfew was a no-no and $600 for unlimited access seemed slightly over my current budget.
Where else can one work in peace, inspired, distraction-free, and use printing facilities? The National Library in Bugis! It's free to go there with your laptop, cheap to book a PC and you can even read books... come on, are there more romantic places in the world than libraries and book stores?
But you can't take any calls :/
One thing I will be missing in the hostel is the soundproof Skype booth. The great news is that unlike in Bali, the wireless network in Singapore is fast and reliable. You can get a good deal on unlimited data too, and then taking calls outdoors denotes no issue.

Fashion
It was about time to stop parading around like an Ubudian hippie. 
Last week I went on a shopping spree. Some shops had final discounts after the Chinese New Year. Those were the charges:
Three formal dresses all for $40 total.
Two casual dresses $30
Bata formal shoes $25
Jaw-dropping.

Weekend activities
Getting to the Sentosa island will costs you less than $3. That is if you live as far as I do. With my Nets card it's less than $2 by bus or the MRT to the Harbourfront. Then the special Sentosa express comes to exactly $1.
You read it well. Who can say that going to an island cost him $1???? Singaporeans can!
Hiking Mt. Faber and the Henderson Bridge is another of my free favorites.
And the best for last - getting everywhere on foot is my most enjoyable activity! Costs you nothing, your legs will tone up, you'll see the local life, and you can meet people.

For ladies only
If you're not shy, just wander around looking approachable and warm-heartedly accept invites to free dinners and drinks. Why not! The men here are looking for a company and you're looking to be entertained. The rules are yours to make.
Just by testing out Tinder while visiting Singapore for the first time last year, I got to see a few nice places, eat in 5-star restaurants, go clubbing and swim in many large swimming pools. Playing a charming company has always come naturally to me. I also created a few friendships along the way.
This year I am off the apps since online dating is not the best-suited way for me to find the right man. I prefer to meet people organically.
Like, the last week on my way home by bus. A good-looking German began disturbing me with his piercing blue eyes. Then we spent a nice weekend together filled with fun stuff.
As a lady, you are more likely to find Singapore super affordable than mosts lads her. Well, they work hard but play hard too.
Stay savvy with your money and you can enjoy this amazing city for a lot longer!

Hot stuff on Patreon.com

If you've ever wondered where are all the 250+ posts that I have written while living in Australia, mending my broken heart and jumping into several intimate affairs, or practicing sacred sexuality while keeping celibate for a year - it's up on a blog that is now available only through a paid membership on Patreon.

I have included 3 Tiers of Membership:

1st Tier is for men and women

Includes the secret address of my very first spicy blog, private Facebook community group, early access to new posts, podcasts and videos, extra posts that won't be shared anywhere else and 'Conscious Sexuality' e-book in .pdf

2nd Tier  is for women queens only

Includes the above plus 45 minutes of customized personal coaching & healing session with me

3rd Tier  is for women goddesses only

Includes content from Tier 1 plus four 60 minutes long private sessions a month and 1 x women circle - a group session conducted on the New Moon of each month. Replays available.

Pretty proud of this stuff so go check it out: Here.

Writing for passion

It's no secret that I love writing. Give me a topic and I will craft something entertaining in minutes. But the proverbial writer's block happened not only once.

The truly unforgettable (and unforgivable) moment was in December 2017.

At midnight, the attendees of Hay House Writer's Festival in Sydney were expected to submit a manuscript for a book deal competition. If you missed the name of the publishing house - it was Hay House! The creation of the late Louise Hay, my inspiration, goddess, mentor and a healer up on the pedestal of many. Not only I had full 4 months to think about how to grasp my innermost essential message, look over the millions of pages I have already written throughout the 20+ writing years (I started journaling at the age of 9), write some more, or I could have put the existing material coherently together, include it as an attachment and hit 'send'. 

Nope.

Come the deadline, I stare at the computer screen blankly, unable to even swallow. I felt anxious that whatever I had to say, would have been just a bunch of chaotic crap, worse than not good enough.

When it comes to any competition or generally a big deal of a business, I seem to get paralyzed and play down all my abilities.

I know it's normal, and many times I simply feel the fear and do it anyway. Courage and confidence can move mountains.

I still regret that I haven't sent at least something - something resembling a manuscript. I still don't have one. At least not a physical one, it's only in my head.

I wasn't ready to be visible then but times are changing.

I decided to pick one of my articles, either from this blog or from the former one which is available on Patreon, and turn it into a witty yet educational story for the Elephant Journal.

This time I won't chicken out because EJ publishes any creator and most importantly, I am not attached to a particular result.

Do things for love, passion, and own sense of accomplishment, rather than for outwitting your rivals.

Doomed if I do, doomed if I don't ?

Following up on the bizarre phone call I got from P. a few days ago, I'd like to offer some thoughts on the dilemma of sex 'time-management'.
First of all,
I met P. in Bali last year and we've never had sex together. My head stepped in and called it a night when we lied there just with our towels on. A year later he's calling me demanding a closure...
I could see that he wasn't going to show me much vulnerability despite taking such a brave action to break the year-long silence.
You want me to talk???
If I remembered well, it was him who has never responded to my messages that I had sent after the fatal night of no sex.
I liked him, I just didn't want to sleep with him - then -. Is that so hard for men to accept as it is, without creating conclusions what it means? Like, she is not interested. It means that I won't sleep with you today. Want me to spell 'today'?
But I am a woman of thousands of mind-changes. 
The next day I could, well, I would... But he was nowhere to be found. True story.
One year later we discuss this in a 40 minutes long phone call across the globe. L.A. -> Singapore.
I'll spare you the details.


Some notes I jotted down after the incident in 2019:

To sleep or not to sleep

....
But if you don't sleep with him despite wanting to, you'll disobey your body, turn to your head for answers, and feel funky... 
Nothing happened, so you shouldn't be worried about him losing interest, right? After all, why would he, when there was no 'cherry on top' consumed? However, for most men, this rings a bell: 'rejected'. If that happens, his interest in you will turn too wobbly, balancing on the edge of a cliff. In the bigger scheme of things, it has nothing to do with you - he just became a little self-conscious. In other cases, his burning desire to have sex with you will just turn into a burning desire to have sex - with anyone. First come, first served.

Same for some women, too. Women have much more complex and intense sexuality than men, as I will also illustrate later.

So what if you do sleep with him?

I know I know... all those conditioned fears because we have once read somewhere that a girl should never ever give in to a man on a first date. What bullshit.

I know so many couples who have literally started off in bed and they thrive together years later.

And I've met way too many couples who waited for the right moment, and when that came (if it was the 'right' moment at all), they found out that nothing happened. And, except the obvious, I mean God did not descend from the heavens to congratulate them on their patience, their suppressing of sexual feelings for so long, or to grant them eternal life now that they have connected in sacred marriage. There were no fireworks. But they followed the book and that's what matters. Integrity, keeping your word and staying true to oneself is ultimately the only thing that yields results, even if undesirable ones.
Then there were couples who waited with sex for 2 years and broke up. Just like that. So not only there was never any physical intimacy, there was no future together either. Or, worse, there had been an actual ring on the finger for some time before they broke it off in celibacy.

My point is, if you feel it, nothing can go wrong. You either get what you want, or you learn. You could gain a casual sex partner or soon to be a boyfriend, or just a one night stand. If not memorable, then at least something to laugh at.

And laughter is essential.

I can tell you what can happen if you won't sleep with him even when you so so so want to. Regardless of what you might think, I am writing this chapter after I acted against my desire, perhaps even my best interest, dutifully hoping that I decided for my highest and happiest good. There is a difference in that. 
I did not go with the flow, not listened to my burning desire, I was just 'thinking', thinking too hard. My objective was to stay 'cool'. Not take in too much excitement that day. There was also a mild sensation of guilt - and guilt is a killer.


This is not 'we live only once' kinda advice (and such a bullshit one, I hate that one), this is a question - Are you willing to stop thinking, and meet your partner where your spirits are already one, or will you keep on dreaming? The dream can never be as real as reality, and reality might never be as dreamy as the dream, but isn't that a good thing? At least we could all stop wondering what if -.

Until you take a leap of faith, you'll never know if his heart expands through the magnificent temple of your vagina, or if you find peace and gratitude through his penis for the wonderful blessings of being a woman.

Again, I am talking about organic sex. No need to will yourself into such a deed if you're just not interested.

But if you are, why wait. Your dignity is NOT dependent on that. Stop questioning it. People still pray to Virgin Marry, yes, but has anyone in the current society put a real woman up on a pedestal because she closed her legs off and refused a man she really wanted? I don't remember so. These days, men fall to their knees in front of Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Jlo or Milley Cyrus.

Are those women saints to you? Look at the reality of sex, relationships and seduction today. No one is waiting for another Virgin Mary to save all mankind from all the naughtiness.

Times change. Sexually liberated women are the new 'normal'.

To end this chapter, I don't regret that I have not slept with P. 
The next day he didn't call me anyway, so much for my 'chastity', so I run back to my then lover and had the best 'energy exchange' ever.... our intimacy deepened and I felt peace of mind...


What is meant to be is meant to be, or was it meant to be because the sex wasn't be?  (it's rhyming)
Feel free to create your own opinion!


In February 2020, I now conclude that it is always a good idea to wait a bit before having sex with someone new. No regrets.

Unlearning bad communication habits

One year ago, there was a communication breakdown on all channels. I nearly created a similar misunderstanding today.

In early 2019, I liked a guy whom I was bumping into every other day in Ubud, Bali but I never told him. Then a couple of months later as I was walking home, I smiled at P. standing at the doorstep to my favorite place. I remarked: "Hi, I love this place, I eat here often."

And so we ate together. 

Turns out that he liked me too.

Notes from 16.2.2019

At P. house around midnight.

Anyway, if I don't feel a hell of a strong YES, it's a NO.

I got up and got dressed.
P.  drove me back… "See you at the dance tomorrow night…!" I shouted after him.

The next day was nowhere near what I had imagined. 

I got to see P. during a super sweaty morning vinyasa… but there was no time to talk… (was he ignoring me?) 

He found the time to talk to other people, so, I left. 

My phone has been broken… It completely let me down. I felt so anxious… I heard messages coming but I could see nothing on the display.

Was he texting me?

P. didn't turn up at the dance in the evening. I still don’t know what has happened. 

I dropped into the knowing that once we’ve done everything we could to achieve a goal, we must turn the outcome to the divine and let the spirit work its magic…
As P. would say, let’s practice non-attachment. Right.

Before drifting off to a short sleep with weird dreams, I tried to fix my phone to no avail. I nervously checked every online media I could from my laptop… My FB message request didn’t get to him…
Unless, P. decided to radically let that all stay in the past while he’s moving on into a new adventure.
Will I ever know? "


Fast forward 1 year
Two things happen.
First, I get a sudden message from P. and you should know that once I fixed my phone back then, there were no messages from him explaining what the f* happened to him.

"Hey Pavlina, I know it’s been a while, but I was hoping to talk with you and apologize for how I left things with us in Bali. If you’re available for a phone call, I’d like to set things straight and give you the presence you deserve."

My answer was: "Hello, are you doing Landmark? 😅"

and then, of course, I agreed.

More here

Second, I was about to date someone new for all the wrong reasons. Like, tiny bouts of loneliness - Hello, anyone in Singapore? 
When we got together, someone else from Bali, not P., kept creeping into my head.

Today, as I’m about to block the new Singaporean guy on WhatsApp because I just can’t deal ... , I recall all the Landmark lessons and how the course helped me renew communication with my parents, forgive my past lovers, strengthen my friendships and gain the upper hand when dealing with difficult individuals. I've become quite the Communication Master since 2016.

So why am I about to hurt someone because I’m afraid to communicate my feelings and needs? He should know what’s up so he can move on faster.

"Hey D., It would be mature of me to let you know how I feel. No need to respond. I am in love with someone else. Not a good place from which to start with someone new! Therefore, I think it’s best not to waste your time. I’m sure that you will find exactly what you’re looking for. All the best."

Some explanation is better than none!

I think he should have seen it coming after I had canceled our date just 2 hours in advance. On Valentine's day.

(Too many memories)

Whom I love doesn’t matter. What matters is that I communicated with the one I don’t love and set him free.
We don't just owe it to others so they may get a deeper understanding and closure, we owe to ourselves and our integrity.

Read my posts pondering the forever-debatable dilemma about when is the right time to have first sex with a new man. It still seems like quite the hot topic! I firmly believe that we should wait if we want to pursue a relationship with that man. I have no regrets for the spontaneous 'live only once' decisions that I've made in the long past nevertheless.
Read details Here
or more:

Here

Simplify business, diet, lifestyle, and romance, and watch for the results

I used to be one of the most disorganized and complicated people I know.

Three and a half years ago, the Landmark Pty seminars gave me at least some sense of time and integrity. After fixing my punctuality for good, I started working on fixing my tendencies to overcomplicate romance, exercise and diet regime.

I think I came close to simplifying while living in the Northern Territory in Australia. But not quite. 

The time has stopped in Darwin from November till April. In my local life, there was nothing more interesting than going to the gym every day where at least the variety of classes provided some small excitement. If the gym didn't satisfy, my metal horse, a bicycle, provided cool transport to the wilderness.

I looked after myself. My diet consisted of simple staple foods like oats, chia and peanut butter for breakfast, whatever salad I could find near my school for lunch, and green peas and beans for dinner. I advocated a hardcore vegan diet - can’t beat the simplicity of that! In any case, a glass of red helped to finish off the day in the monsoonal season fashion.

A couple of things had to go...

My business wasn’t anything but simple: I worked as a Tantric coach and masseuse, nothing more and nothing less, yet the marketing efforts behind it were killing me. I could hardly afford to rent an extra room, finance my own ads which did not attract enough clients, or buy all the necessary supplies for a clean business.

And let me tell you, my romantic life sucked. I knew I made it too complex and troubling when the last disappointment was one too many. I deserved it after having briefly dated 2 guys at the same time... they were friends (speaking of not complicating things).

When it blew right in front of my face, I just thought: "F*ck it. F*ck everything. I’ll move, simplify work, and abstain from sex for a year."
What a great idea! (Not)

I traded my complex biz for a live-in babysitting job, resorted to a routine of going to school, biking after school and writing a book in my spare time. No socializing = no sex. Simple!
My diet became that of a 5-year-old. Biscuits, milky treats, lollipops, toasties and all kinda crap. I guess I couldn’t have nailed everything the first time around. 

The point of the story is that a lot of the ‘downsizing’ felt really good. Many great results came out of that ascetic, calm year: a couple of e-books, greater self-understanding, stronger boundaries and stable friendships.
I had no lover, but none was better than one who perpetuates drama. or two who don’t care about me (nor know about one another).
I shifted my focus away from overexercising which was only another means of avoiding feeling my emotions of loneliness and anxiety. Instead, I dove deep. I inquired inward, began journaling and meditating regularly and studying harder. I put the massage job on hold as that service no longer brought me any satisfaction.
My life was simpler and better.

Fast forward 2 years, I caught myself complicating things yet again.
There I was, operating a Healing & Coaching business from 3 different platforms, managing several ads, yet not knowing anything about my ideal client.
I have traveled too much, moving from place to place, unable to create what matters to me the most - quality friendships, like-minded community and a place like home.
My diet was too exotic and heavy and my exercise regime ad-hoc; sometimes nothing, at other times not much.
And my love life? What could seem interesting and adventurous to the outer eye, felt really frustrating and messy to the inner eye.

The question wasn't: Where have I made a mistake?
Because I know.
Rather: How can I simplify to make it work all over again?

As Marie Forleo puts it: "Simplify to Amplify!"

Accordingly, the actions I felt inspired to take and let go off ->

• I found a house share in Singapore, and I won't let go. No more moving, just stability and home.
• I put myself on the job market via LinkedIn as a Social Worker. I want to stay here and that seemed like the only independent way. No more procrastination and desperation.
• If I can't stay and work legally, I'll keep blogging, finding clients organically, and coaching online. No more unnecessary social media overwhelm. 
• As per diet: 3 balanced small meals per day. No dietary restrictions except keeping it real, mostly unprocessed and small.
• Fitness: Studio classes and walking as many times as I want.
• Romance: No dating apps. Just get out there every now and then for f* sake.

Simple feels light.

To be continued for the larger part. Miracles take time.

When sexual attraction gets overwhelming, shall we run the other way?

This is a reaction to recent events in one of my friend's and my own life, deriving from an article I have read about 3 years ago, titled: 
Is It Possible to Be Too Sexually Attracted to Someone?

Three years ago I was madly in love with someone called J.
Was it love?
He was tall, hunky, cheeky face, beautiful doe eyes, and what a kisser, oh my god! 
Sure, it was the extreme chemistry and immediate (!) sexual attraction that kept me hooked - literally, the first time I saw him I knew I was in trouble - but there was one more thing that stuck me to him like glue. It wasn't just the masculine pecs that caught me each time I hug him (he was that tall), it wasn't the fact that we did something naughty, I think that I liked that I didn't like me enough to look for something better.

Don't get me wrong, J. was a great guy, at least in comparison with some other guys I dated. There was the chemistry, but also the understanding, the tenderness in his speaking and listening skills, there were the nights out and the incredible sex.
It had a catch 22, of course.
He was married.
Not happily, but I'll leave out the details for now.
I knew that before I let him in, admittedly, something in the old me still loved attracting drama. I wrote about unwittingly attracting drama in my previous secret blog :Here

This twin flame felt super addictive. When I wasn't with him I was obsessed with the thoughts of being with him and devouring all his body at once. Exactly as they're describing in the above article.
Yes, he was unavailable - and that is usually part of the game.
We get so sexually attached because we know we can't have the person in any other way. The connection is so consuming because it is founded on sex. Sexual energy is the most powerful energy out there but it doesn't have magical powers to fulfill us.
Unavailable people will not be there when you need them, nor when you just wanna chill in your worse mood or worse PJ set.
It's probably the slight drama you perpetuate that keeps you hooked. 
All in all, there are way healthier connections out there to be made, if you only give them a chance...

Last year, I started an exciting affair with a younger man just because he charmed me that day. Maybe not so much my type at first, but I paid attention to other stuff, and he nailed it.
Moreover, there were no signs of dangerous emotional unavailability (even though he was probably not ready to make it something long-term, or I wasn't). Overall, I was happy to move through my intimacy fears and actually hook up with someone single, available, no-bullshit and full of integrity. In the end, he surprised me as an excellent lover, too.
You see, you never know if you can create chemistry with someone who doesn't overwhelm you right away until you give them a chance. Life shouldn't be so simple as seeing a hottie and imagining that they're also nice, kind, straight with you and will be there when you need emotional support.
I don't want to settle for hotness without perspective ever again.
Do yourself a favor, treat yourself with respect and only then you can recognize when the right man shows up.

Healing with essential oils and flower essences

What to do at times of panic?
The following situation might not apply to you if you've never experienced physical panic attacks before. Nevertheless, I would be very surprised if you've never been affected by stress, bad sleep or simply felt worrisome that something is gonna go down...Stressful and fearful situations are no news to current society. A majority of people feel worried every single day.

Let's have a look at possible ways to banish panic, fast.
The physical symptoms of panic attacks are very debilitating. It can start off quite mild, perhaps as a sudden headache, heat sensation, then a faster heartbeat, or a full-body tremor. Some of those signs could be due to natural subtle changes in the body, like lowering of blood sugar, preparing for your menstrual cycle, or feeling the sudden difference in atmospheric pressure. Panic attacks also get triggered by alcohol and caffeine.
If you're a sensitive individual, you notice these changes within and without more than others and it can freak you out.

Energetically, physical panic can be viewed as releasing of the old and preparing space for the new...
In more severe disorders, a physical attack is the body's way of finally processing a highly emotionally charged and stressful event that could happen 6-9 months prior.
Apparently, at that time we haven't dealt with the trauma in a correct way and unconsciously saved it for later. Later never came, and the whole 9 months after, the body decided to literally 'shake it off'.
I can certainly think of such an event 7 years ago, and then experiencing my first panic attack approximately 9 months later.
Not pleasant at all.
However, how wise of my body to make a decision not to carry that baggage around any longer!

So how do we put the panic to rest as it's happening? Here are some personal favorites, tried, tested, and recommended.
This might seem a bit off the charts, but you'll never know until you give it a go! When the attack strikes, you feel dizzy, your heart is pounding and you are sure you are gonna die this time - if you're alone, get down on your knees and beg your angels and guides for forgiveness. You've treated yourself badly. Your lack of self-love and lots of self-doubt got you to neglect your personal needs. Ask them to guide you to love again, know that help is on the way.
Talk to yourself calmly, keep consoling yourself that what your body is doing is only to protect you and that the panic will be over before you know it.
Affirm to yourself that you are safe, that you know what's happening, it is good to release it from the body-memory, and that you are not going to pass out (it is physiologically impossible during a real panic attack), all that fear is only in your head. Breathe deeply, center yourself, and focus on the present moment.


Now, if you're a fancy medicinal witch like me, you are probably familiar with Bach's essences and the DoTerra essential oils.
If not, you should get some now! It's not always appropriate to kneel down, breathe into a bag or you don't have the time to console yourself. The Rescue spray from Bach contains herbs and flowers that will calm you down within seconds of pressing two pumps under your tongue. You can have this tiny salvation bottle in your purse at all times.
Then, I would use DoTerra's Levander oil, it is an all-around relaxant. Put a few drops in your palms and inhale. If you can get hold of Frankincense, I highly recommend that whenever you feel in despair. Put a drop on your '3rd eye' chakra in the middle of the forehead, the temples and the soles of your feet.
Being a DoTerra's consultant, I admit that I'm addicted to their products so I bought nearly all of them. Some time ago I used the Yoga Collection - Anchor on my soles, Affirm on my belly and chest and Ascend on my temples, forehead, and the back of my neck. I felt relieved of all stress and anxiety within 2 minutes.
Trust me, you will grow through what you're going through. Stay patient and stay focused.
Love,
Pavlina

Full moon and its applicable learnings

According to Vedic Astrology,
On the full moon on Sunday, February 9th, 2020, we get to close the gap between certain decisions made around August 2019 and the now...

"The Universe will help us feel more connected than ever before to our true life's path. We are asked to take some time for self-reflection.
What brings you a sense of purpose? What sets your soul on fire and fans your inner flame? We will be showered with divine clarity to clear away anything that separates you from your purpose and fails to bring peace within your life.
We are being supported in letting go of that which no longer serves us and that which seeks to weigh heavy on our soul.
This Full Moon relates back to the Lionsgate portal we experienced in August 2019 and we may find ourselves revisiting themes that arose during this time or harvesting the seeds that were planted during this time.
With the Sun opposite the Moon, our relationships will come into clearer focus in the next few weeks. We will naturally put our attention towards our relationship dynamics and intuitively realize what is causing disharmony."

What it meant for me:
A lot of confusion.
I certainly found myself in a very vulnerable position assessing my recent choices... which in fact, were a direct reflection of the conclusions I have reached in August. You see, the seeds I've planted then were quite bitter. They came out of yet another heartbreak (even though the heart never breaks, just the ego) and I entered a bad decision spiral that only brought me further away from my biggest goals. I wanted to find a great love, move through my intimacy fears and create a healing relationship.
I did the exact opposite. You can connect the dots.

I thought I have learned years ago, yet those past 6 months were a vicious cycle. This full moon I realized that I turned into a mouse running on a wheel expecting a different outcome each time I circled around. How hilarious! Perhaps a different bump on the road, a nice distracting event on my journey, or an exciting edge that would just never come.
I recall our pet hamster Vilda and his cute red wheel... He must have been so bored there in his cage that he died within a year from bringing him home from the shop. Sad.
Well, that could have been me, too, this year. Luckily, I turned the dark soul-searching days around and I surrendered.

I didn't like the article at first. I thought: What purpose? I think I've lost one recently...
Then it dawned on me... I lost it because I went off the track....
I'm not Pavlina Lioness, the sex coach running a healing & coaching business, having to keep up with Instagram and post my own tantric shit every so often to lure in potential clients. It doesn't bring me any joy. 

I am a spiritual mentor and I'm a work in progress myself.

One thing is for sure, despite knowing a lot about sex & intimacy, and I revel in the knowledge, I’m gonna lay low until I manifest the relationship that I know I deserve and can have because I'm ready. It's scary, but I am ready to live what I preach, take off the tough mask, shed my armored skin, and jump into it 100%.

It requires me to align with my highest truth, my values of monogamous love, harmony, connection, trust... and stop listening to others, pretending to be someone I'm not, and cease running around to get things, instead of trusting that I already have what I need and the rest will come when I'm at peace with what is."The new relationship probably won't come so fast; most likely, I shall learn about love a little more. But the good news is that when the lessons come, I will be paying attention with curiosity and awe. I trust that the Universe is leading me to my romantic soulmate with every step I take. I always manifest what I set my mind for.
And no, I won't find the man on my hamster wheel.