A journey to self-compassion

I've been known to display stubbornness when it comes to exposing my wounds as I don't exactly love to ask others for help.

Yes, I, too, just like my clients, am only a human and I shudder if I have to get vulnerable. 
I'm progressing through the discomfort each day.

While growing up, my mind had been plagued by too many limiting and paralyzing beliefs. Needless to say, those were influencing my behavior until I recognized that the voice of my parents became my own. 

It was time to introduce some radical self-compassion.

As my friend, a positive mindset coach Cassandra, says - 
"If I am teaching a child how to read and write and when he makes a mistake I swear at him and tell him he is useless, he won’t have any motivation to continue and he will believe he is not good enough. The same applies to us: When we speak to ourselves badly we stay small, whereas when our inner voice is nurturing and compassionate, we create safe foundations for growth, creativity and transformation."

I played that swearing parent for many years.

The broken record sounded something like this:

Pavlina, you are so not good enough, remain in your rabbit hole.

Pavlina, shut up, you have nothing interesting to say.

Pavlina, you are so selfish and cold, how can you even imagine to help elevate the lives of others...
Yes, the noise sounded a lot like my mother, but the constant replay of it and believing it was my work.

Those are just a few examples out of thousands.

I don't resent my parents for setting a very challenging foundation. I took their words, I twisted and modified them into the right amount of evil to carry into my adulthood. They kept me stuck in the dark. Now I can relate to those who had it even worse and support them with an empowering approach.

Wistfully, I don't remember receiving much appreciation when learning my worth as a little girl. I heard "You look pretty." when I tied my hair back just like my mum liked it, tried to look 'natural', or wore clothes covering all my curves, but that could not amount to anything fertile since I always had a lousy self-imagine, battled body dysmorphic disorder and still approve of only 1 out of every 100 photos of me. So far we've tackled only the self-image side of a child's development based on how the parents 'nurtured' them. Every smart kid knows that looks, especially morphed into the liking of others, don't matter. Ultimately, that narrow focus only makes everything else more difficult. E.g. Who am I to show the world that I can also be a person of great worth?

Even the recognition of my excellent grades wasn't quite the support I needed to help me build a foundation for self-love. 
Pretty and smart didn't imply 'satisfactory' for me.

I think that the secret lies in not underestimating the importance of telling our children that they are good people, a good girl/good boy.

The only recipient was my younger sister who was frequently told what a good girl, polite, kind, the perfect daughter she was... 
"Why can't you be more like your little sister? She's such a lady..." My dad used to say...

Well, I was a rebel, but I had feelings and a big heart. 

My confidence sat at level 0.

The takeaway: 
We cannot do anything about what has been said in the past, neither can we control or fix other people. The only thing we can do is to adopt an attitude of gratitude for all the lessons we've gone through and set an example for others by expressing differently. Is what you're saying to yourself empowering or is that hurting you and make you re-live the past over and over again?

This week I've been journaling on compassion and commencing a judgment detox. 

It's encouraging me to see that I shall/must reparent myself.

The negative self-talk doesn't impact just me but also those around me who don't even know me. I hold high standards for everyone and obviously, they're set by the unrealistic standards I regard for myself.

It's healing to admit that we are not and never will be perfect in the eyes of everyone. What matters is who we believe we are within. I don't have to be perfect. In fact, I'd rather not for fear that I'd never relate to anyone again, but I must like who I am today and where I'm headed to tomorrow. I am a child of God/Universe and I am here for a reason.

Recognize the pestering voice that is not yours, and teach yourself some new language. The language of self-love, self-compassion and non-judgment. Tell yourself that you are lovable and worthy. Then demonstrate it to the world. It's clearer than ever before that if we put on our own oxygen mask first, only then we are able to assist others with theirs. Let those around you benefit from your radical self-care.

I'd like to know how you're doing with that.
Remember, what took me years can only take you months with the right support network and accountability.

Love,

Pavlina