Monday, March 9, 2020

What we can learn from unrequited love (masculine/feminine dynamics)

I'm sitting in Starbucks near Pandan Valley, my new village in Singapore after the East Coast, and I'm well aware of my hostility towards the unrealized masculine potential in the many men I have come to meet in the last few years. Admittedly, that displeasure reflects my own unrealized femininity as of lately. 


A little background info on the masculine-feminine dynamics in our world.
Singapore brings out the best in me and undoubtedly, in many locals in the sense of productivity, unshakeable confidence, organized action and stamina to work and achieve. Those are rather masculine qualities in terms of energy and polarity. However, I know that in my core I am a feminine heterosexual woman who likes to relax, play and receive. It means little with regards to how I need to show up in life as a complete human being. 
We need to use both feminine and masculine energy to function as the healthiest versions of ourselves. 
Too much of either is not helpful.

The feminine island of Bali (everyone who's ever set a foot in there will tell you that the island holds a certain Mother Gaia magic!) overwhelmed me. I procrastinated, played more than I executed and in the end, it drove me to mild lostness and self-sabotage. That's the feminine at her most dangerous. 
On the contrary, the masculine at his most harmful tends to abuse its power outward. So when men and women feel in control and on top of things, we may emotionally manipulate or destroy everything around us. At our masculine best, we use the power to take aligned actions to build something practical for the benefit of all involved. 

What makes up the essence of a man and the essence of a woman is, of course, not as simple as doing vs. being, thinking vs. feeling and letting yourself to give or receive.

But let's look at the ultimate results.

Using mostly my focused masculine energy recently, out of all of the hard-working men from this peninsula, I attracted only pussies.
There. No censoring.
Apparently, when I'm cemented in my masculine, I pull in drama-queens.
I wish that a piece of Bali's magic would fly in and help me nestle in my feminine polarity yet again. 
I've fallen for Iwe one year ago in Bali for a reason - masculine men like that don't come to my life often. In hindsight, it happens whenever I surrender and play... I can think of 3 masculine men and I'm still stuck on the last one, Iwe. 
Feminine men who are very emotionally needy, unstable and unhelpful as partners add no value to my life. To any woman's life to be frank!
However, these men seem clueless and turn to drama when faced with rejection.


Hey, unrequited affection sucks.
I know that very, very well...
Be it, love, passion, friendship or any sentiment...
It tastes like the lamest bowl of soup you could ever be served after all day of looking forward to it...

I have compassion I really do.
But you can't start drama... especially not as early as 3 dates in, come on...

Drama-queens, men with too much feminine energy, blame you for things that have nothing to do with you, make you feel bad about who you are, and make scenes pretty early on, after assuming that 1 or 2 dates means a friendship at a minimum if not a romance.

If you have to ask someone if they're you're friend, something's wrong. 
I can't recall a time when I would need to ask my acquaintances for reassurance that they became my friends.
Are you a friend I could rely on, please...?
And I cannot think of a reason that would make me question my real friends whether they were friends... connections either evolve into friendships or not. Asking someone if you have a friend in them is... a bit odd. It's most likely not your friend if you need to confirm or make them convince you!
Weird, weird, weird...
I won't pretend I am an angel. 
As a sexually liberated woman, I would possibly sleep with a drama-queen - ONCE. Because at first, you don't have any idea what will happen in the peanut head of his. If only I knew... 
The correct answer to an A4 drunken text is either: "You got it all wrong..." or: "Ya, you are right."
Neither would make any difference.
Though I will not reply anything as I'd repeat myself.

At first, rejection hurts because we don't want to believe it. 
Rejected people cannot comprehend, deep down they know they're such adorable personalities. The Freudian 'id' thinks it's perfect.
On the one hand, these people are right. On the other hand, their actions are far from adorable.
I believe that the childish 'id' could be the main motive behind not giving up on the pursuit of their desire even though the person is clearly not interested.

I don't think I could make assumptions about someone's requited feelings ever again because it got me precisely where I'm at now with Iwe. And it's bitter-sweet. 
Last night I went over our entire message thread, wasn't that long after all, and could clearly see that it has always been very one-sided. But it's not the end of the world.

At second glance, something else happens- 
The hurt prompts us to reach out to the 'id' in search of unquestionable lovability. 
"How could I get abandoned? I'm so lovable!" adamantly shouts the ID.

If you otherwise lack a profound sense of self-love, when else than at times like these shall we acknowledge that it's our birthright to be worthy of love, that we deserve it like nothing else? 

As I come to experience it myself, rejection may trigger the recognition of our own worth.

While I was reading Iwe's correspondence, I understood that the lesson in attracting incompatible partners was finally over. The deservingness of reciprocated love is my birthright that I should remember even outside of a pseudo-romantic crisis. 
Perhaps the guy that I do not wish to see again will come to understand this, too.


If you want a healthy and balanced relationship, ask yourself: Where have you not been true to your essence of a woman/man, where do you sabotage yourself by the wrong actions (working too much, indulging too much, not stepping into your power, not allowing yourself to give or receive), and then see how you could turn that around.

Tonight, I'm gonna be a woman of leisure, switch off my phone, chill in front of Netflix and get a pedicure tomorrow. For 16 hours not pleasing anyone else but myself.


From simplypsychology.org :
"The id is the impulsive (and unconscious) part of our psyche which responds directly and immediately to basic urges, needs, and desires. The personality of the newborn child is all id and only later does it develop an ego and super-ego. 

The id remains infantile in its function throughout a person's life and does not change with time or experience, as it is not in touch with the external world. The id is not affected by reality, logic or the everyday world, as it operates within the unconscious part of the mind.




The id operates on the pleasure principle (Freud, 1920) which is the idea that every wishful impulse should be satisfied immediately, regardless of the consequences. When the id achieves its demands, we experience pleasure when it is denied we experience ‘unpleasure’ or tension." 


















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Please be kind and have some compassion for my non-native English grammar. Applications for voluntary editing are now open.