Eyes are the windows to the soul

I have not been myself lately.... a pervasive inner conflict between my divine feminine and divine masculine ultimately manifested as a bulky sty inside my eyelid - I didn't know it was a thing until my eyelid swelled, kept on attaining a nice dark pink color, itched and nearly covered all my right iris... I hope it will go down soon! Meanwhile, I act as usual. I drive my scooter with 1,5 eyes, brunch on the balcony with my neighbor and meditate on my condition and the neverending power battle long hours each day.

I see that the stereotypes concerning the meaning of being a woman and the meaning of being a man simply don't fit anymore... have they ever? 

Look at the photo below, I'd say that my inner woman is half of what my inner man isn't.... and there, right there, I understood that in the same way that I have been castrating the males out there I subjugate the inner man within me too... I don't trust him. 

Yet, I need him.

My analytical, protective and objective side will not appreciate my supposed to be loving and sensitive side if I don't become more yielding and won't surrender.

The following adjectives are a little off by the way. These are typical for the Yang (masculine) and Yin (feminine) energies. But not for today's human males and females.

The feminine is loving, soft but strong, not weak, and so is the masculine if embodied right.

I surrendered today. I made love to myself and learned that I can trust my man. It is safe to let go, to lose control in front of him, look vulnerable, and accept my fears... 

I once felt afraid to drive a scooter, now I am a natural. I drive for at least an hour every day to distant beaches, to shops and to fill my water bottles all day long. It is possible thanks to my focused and reliable masculine energy. The moment I acknowledged that polarity as trustworthy and safe everything turned around. I trust the driver I am.

I tapped on meridians to tackle my fear of road accidents and interestingly, I discovered that it's okay to have fear - but if I surrender and trust my inner man, I am extra vigilant and safe as a result.

I am both a woman and a man, both silly and wise, and both healed and ever so messed up.

⇨

I give myself permission not to have good eye days, good hair days, flat stomach days, hell - smiley face days and vital body days.

I give myself permission to see myself as beautiful and radiant.

I give myself permission to accept my ever-changing unpredictable personality.
I give myself permission to act boring in front of those who don’t know my fun instability. 

I give myself permission to be anti-social by default and thus fine with social distancing.
I give myself permission to crave human touch and then despise it at once. 

I give myself permission to overeat.
I give myself permission not to eat at all if I don't feel like it.

I give myself permission to be lazy.

I give myself permission to have manic bouts of overexercising. 

I give myself permission to overthink.
I give myself permission not to think at all.

I give myself permission to read novels 24/7 some weeks and no fiction books for months at a time.

I give myself permission to be motionless.
I give myself permission to be all over the place. 

I give myself permission to feel good about being bad and feel bad about being good.

I give myself permission to judge myself.
I give myself permission to have the most unconditional acceptance of myself.


The world is full of contrasts and colors. I am all and I am nothing.

Enjoy!

PMS again!? Why?

There is never enough of period posts, isn't it?

Last month's cycle was beauuuuuutiful! A painless, short, mentally stable-ish, and vital process. That's what's possible when you're a diligent guinea pig. I nailed what Alisa Vitti recommends in her book: In the flo
However, I omitted some treacherous details, setting myself up for a small disaster the next month.

This month has been challenging.
I can't blame the Universe, men or COVID-19, it is all my innocent delinquency... 

Thankfully, I realized what I've done wrong before it could have spiraled and I'd went off the rails completely.
When your diet cannot save you, your compassionate heart and focused mind will.

What are the symptoms of Pre-Menstrual Syndrom aka PMS? 
It ranges from physical tension, muscle cramps, bloating, indigestion, moodiness to light insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks and uncontrollably intense emotions - usually those of despair and sadness. It is common to tear up more easily before or during a woman's period or have all kinds of unkind thoughts towards oneself and anger towards the opposite sex...

But why? 
What is the trigger behind women being cheerful the first half of the cycle and mini-monsters in the second half (sometimes)?

It's a combination of the wrong type of food, lifestyle choices, repeated unhealthy patterns in diet and toxic relationships, and disrespecting the female infradian rhythm - we just function differently in life week to week than men do. Certain actions either align with our hormonal system or they sabotage it.  
Read on the other details and hands-on tips on how can we prevent PMS.

Of course, there is a room for a cheat day. But again - the day has only 24 hours. I know ladies, that we tend to stretch the indulgence way beyond the one day.
Good news, every week of your 4-week cycle allows for different indulgences.

Alisa Vitti recommends the following lifestyle and dietary choices:
Start with the first day of the menstrual phase (week 1) - treat it as a holistic cleansing time. Go inward and attune to your intuition. Steer clear of alcohol, caffeine, sugar and rest a lot. Eat protein and healthy fats to keep you energized and full. 
What you haven't done right the last time around, start correcting it in the following follicular phase (week 2).  Load up on fermented foods and introduce cardio exercise. It's a good time to learn and plan. 
During ovulation (week 3), you are allowed to experiment with vigorous exercise like HIIT, intermittent fasting, light imbibing (though it's still best not to drink), and a little of caffeine if needed. Focus on building muscle, eat more raw or paleo. It's the easiest time to communicate your needs clearly to others and be more social. 

In your luteal phase (week 4), where you are predisposed to lower energy and carbohydrates craving due to the drop in progesterone and estrogen rising, honor your body’s need for extra calories. Have rice, sweet potato, gluten-free noodles - starches are advisable and guilt-free. Leading up to the period, we must decrease inflammation. No dairy, no alcohol, no caffeine, no sugar, and no gluten. Stay clear of biscuits and fried food. 

The sneaky mistake #1: My diet was clean but only around 1000 calories a day simply for the lack of the time to eat - I was too busy learning shamanic healing. I also felt overwhelmed regarding the whole lockdown situation, plus I dealt with a romance gone wrong and sleep deprivation. 

Before menstruation, it is crucial that we ease out on the exercise, try pilates or swimming instead, schedule priorities and take care of our personal needs first. 
A mistake # 2: I didn't relax during the bleed, I went back on the coffee, worked late nights and some days I even hiked over 20k steps. 

If you follow the protocol the whole 4 weeks +/-, come the menstrual phase again, you have no cramps, you're ready to sleep more, do yoga and screw the world.

My check-list:
Simple anti-inflammatory nutrition during the 4-week cycle ✓

More food in the Luteal phase ✗

Rest, yoga and sound sleep during the menstrual phase ✗

Still, my body rewarded me with the most easygoing period of my life ✓
Hold and behold...

Now you'll see how everything's connected.

Nearly one month later, I am going crazy over Oreos, sweet lattes, bread, and wine... like wtf? My body is compensating for the 2 past mistakes in a counter-productive way... yet it makes sense.

Maybe I’m also paying for the lack of lovers in my bed ... But it's not been a loveless month, and that is why mentally I am doing pretty okay. My PM emotional rollercoaster happened very briefly and it didn't make me despise the whole world. I've been very grateful. 
We need love, we need our tribe and a favorable environment to feel happy.
With this awareness of my actions - poor nutrition, unmet needs of my natural biorhythm, I still have a third option: 
Be kind to myself ✓
Always. No need to wait for a specific phase of the cycle, a day of the week, or for when I do everything right. 
No reason needed for being kind to oneself.

The time to get back on track is now.

If PMS strikes, get off the coffee now, supplement yourself with adaptogens like Reishi and Chaga mushrooms, Ashwagandha herb, take extra calcium and magnesium, be kind to yourself and listen to your intuition - perhaps it’s trying to tell you that some pattern is not quite right for you. 

How to stay true to yourself

Particularly at this unusual time...
It takes a little self-discipline initially, but once you get in the rhythm it's surprisingly natural and can be quite fun to act like no pandemic or the end of the world is befalling right now. 
Mind you - this is not a 101 for becoming superhuman or a proposal to change yourself inside out and revamp your life in the next few weeks - especially not if you've never dabbled in transformation before; this post is not going to urge you to come out of this COVID-19 situation all-new, stronger, better, prettier, smarter, richer or in a relationship!

This is to inspire you to use your time with an awareness of how precious these months could be if you adopt a hopeful perspective. This is the perfect moment to discover who you really are, stripped of all past labels, experiences, statuses, and social life. You may explore what you really, really want when there is no one around to set the tone of your mood and tell you what you need and should want. 

As for me, I am becoming the one. The soulmate lover I always wanted to have.
I am living as if I was in a committed relationship with my mirror.
My guy out there is not watching Netflix for hours every night (just shortly), he considers this time as an extra-long Vipassana retreat where he can learn more about himself, he goes inward for introspection, he meditates before he busies himself with frivolities, he consoles himself before he seeks consolation from his friends or family, he sees through his bullshit and plans a different course of action, he is grateful for every day he wakes up healthy and hopeful, he waits calmly and patiently for the storm to pass, he keeps himself fit as he would have outside of the quarantine, he sits with his feelings before he reaches for alcohol to help him manage them a bit faster, my guy out there knows that this downtime is an opportunity to visualize healing, love and the great life to come which will be lived more consciously and with extra gratitude than ever before. 
He makes it a point that he is not on any dating app. He is online to learn, discover, create and help others in need.
Yes, that is me. 
Finally.

I am staying true to myself and not resorting to any desperate measures. Pandemic or not, I am still alive, knowing this too shall pass and I am grateful for all the support I have received throughout my entire life from the souls I've met and from the Universe. It won't be any other way once this is over. I want to get ready to shine brighter as a result of ditching the ways that were bringing me down.
I know I will come out of this better as a side effect.
Anyone can - if we discover who we really are and stay true to that image.
Make no compromises, go after what you want with the confidence that you deserve it, and love, health, success, and abundance are for you.

Giving men opportunity

I acknowledge that I was getting disappointed by the men I was meeting in the last few months after I'd left Prague in the middle of December...I have a chance to change my attitude now.
If you're a woman who could use a little help meeting new men (perhaps on your way to the pharmacy!), this post could teach you how to give a man the opportunity to step up.

Going back to basics, it's time to recall why women need men, why we appreciate them and what we love about being with them. Even though it is wonderful to be single and live independently - it is still critical to inhale the masculine scent up close, feel the safety of a bear-like embrace and be looked after every now and then.

Here's a homage to the fine men I was fortunate enough to have met, along with a few tips for finding them and keeping them.

For women, it can get somewhat frustrating to stick to all those dating manuals out there. We're not supposed to chase men, tell them what to do, act tough and self-sufficient and above all - never make the first move...

There's nothing wrong with a man addressing you out of the blue. Or is it? I like when men do not need my initiative and just walk up to me. But more often than not, these men seem emotionally unavailable, macho men with massive self-esteem or egoists. 

So how the hell are we to speak with someone a bit less of a jerk?

Some great guys have huge difficulties approaching women. 

For the less confident men out there, it requires a little feminine cunningness to help them see a green light signaling: Hey you, come on over... 

Yes, there is a way to bypass all this dating advice confusion and actually get a good man to pursue you.

Let's hypothesize a little. For the larger part, it sits better with men if they think that it was they who got you hooked and that whatever you two are up to is thanks to his idea.

Don't ask me how I know it's true, but I have met all sorts of men in my life, and those who stayed in my world are the most precious gentlemen I appreciate tremendously. These are not extinct species, there are millions of men full of integrity, masculine energy, thoughtful action, born protectors, respectful of the feminine fickleness and creativity - these men are still in my life in one way or another because I inspire them to be their best selves and they understand that I need and enjoy their presence. These males are my friends, past boyfriends, and past and present clients. 

Women who know their worth, relax.

Thus, not only do the men around you think it's so great that they found you, it feels a whole lot natural to you too if you remember that you didn't have to chase anyone or manipulate them into staying with you. The latter is doable - but - a man who stays by your side purely out of loyalty still doesn't have to love you or worship you. 

Do you want a buddy whose heart isn't in it, or do you want a champion who cannot imagine his life without protecting you?

You don't chase - you inspire. How?

Men need to be given a window of opportunity to approach you and show you what they're made of - if that's what they want.

My first boyfriend was a member of the gym I used to work at... I chose him out of the lot. I didn't chase him. He introduced himself as a musician, I asked where I could listen to his stuff. He gave me his MySpace (probably a non-existent platform now). Before friending him, I updated my profile to make sure he'd stumble upon my modeling photos (Hey, I was 20).

Right, he sent a compliment, I sent one back regarding his music... just a window of opportunity for him to ACT.

So he invited me to the studio, the rest is history. We still communicate periodically.

My second boyfriend is now my best friend and he, unfortunately, set the bar too high. I gave him the green light by being interested in his life outside of our workplace. I never tried to control him, I gave him a chance to be a giver and protector.

One of my first clients who had several issues with sexuality, emotional intimacy and personal relationships found me by accident... I didn't think I had impressed him by my knowledge at all. Yet he started coming for coaching fairly regularly until I got over myself, noticed his undeniable progress, and acknowledged my damn skills. He turned into a confident and open-hearted man in front of my eyes. I have never pushed him to keep up with his sessions, I didn't hassle him for more long-term packages, I just gave him unconditional acceptance and the opportunity for growth. Even though we have ceased working together (he doesn't need my help now), we became truly great friends. Such emotional intimacy between a man and a woman who have never been physically intimate is hard to come by.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine suggested: I think you should meet new people.

Yes, absolutely. Ehm, how? I am in Koh Phangan where I know 5 and a half people (a Czech idiom), restaurants and clubs are closed let alone the ban of private events and large group meetings. 

My routine: I go to the shop, maybe the beach, ride my bicycle and go home. 

But I also hunt for a house to rent. So I find myself in Srithanu, just strolling, and this guy rides by on a bike. "You need a lift?"

I didn't. But I accepted it. Why not, let's go wherever you were going... and so we headed to the local beach. I discovered a really charming good-hearted man in Gabriel. Who wouldn't be a God's messenger with that name anyway? I hope that we will meet for some more philosophical discussions.

I also got to strike a lovely convo with someone at the immigration office. But he hasn't asked for my number. It is important to discern that it is not your job to charm someone enough to the point that they ask for your contact details. Remember, it is not a project to be considered a catch and therefore, it is not your duty to ask a guy for his number. Honestly, it will feel better for both parties involved if the male is the one thinking he went fishing and caught the perfect fish. If he doesn't ask, he might be in a relationship and so he doesn't need to /want to contact you in the future. Simple.

The most important example:

Today, I am riding my bicycle and notice a tall dark stranger whom I keep seeing around leaving a driveway. I hit the pedals and aim towards the Phantip market... I doubted he would have suddenly changed his favorite eating place...

Sure enough, when I get off my horse by the entrance, all sweaty, my eyes meet his. Time for a smile...

To smile is the perfect thing a girl can do to open the window of opportunity. However, don't expect miracles after an inconspicuous move that is oftentimes misinterpreted or impossible to act on in a timely fashion.

By now, him and his friends must know that 'this girl is friendly and approachable.'

I take my chances. I put my face mask on, walk in and casually, slowly pass them by... we greet. I commence a small talk... yes, I do. It's more playful than you think. 

They all seem really nice guys... I announce that I'll go get a smoothie and that I'll probably see them around.

To my surprise, my favorite one, T., reappears to ask if I am staying here alone and if perhaps one day I'd like to hang out.

"Yeah, that would be nice," I say with a big bright smile under the mask... 

Behold, he had no idea I followed his bike all the way from the junction. I just turned up at the right time at the right place as if I planned nothing. 

Step 1 - Give them an opportunity to approach you.

Step 2 - Do nothing else but be friendly.

Step 3 - If they ask for your contact details, let them text you first.

If step 3 won't happen, no harm done.

Meanwhile, have fun and meet more people. This has never been difficult for me. I like to open the window of opportunity and leave the rest up to faith. The new interest might end up leading you to other wonderful possibilities and life lessons. It is not always about a potential romance and that's what makes it exciting.

Mission accomplished.

Bringing back the playful...

This post is probably long overdue.
After all, the bitching about men with not enough masculine energy in them says more about me than anyone else. I revealed that I've turned from a very feminine woman into an analyzing and doing machine, and I didn't like it. Where has all the playful and loving energy gone?

I embarked on a little personal quest to bring it back... Men still seemed like a troubled territory, so I started with dogs. Why do I pass them by with so much fear? Why do I interpret their persistent barking as a menace?

The next time I came across two angry-looking poodles, I caught myself consoling me in my head: Just close your eyes, perhaps you can pass them unnoticed, ignore the noise, not too quick, not too slow, go!
No, that time I shifted my nervous energy to the one of love and joy, I stopped to bend down and pet their little bodies. 
Oh my god! 
All those weeks I have been preventing myself from feeling this unconditional dog love??? The poodles were overjoyed that I have quit ignoring them. I played with them for a few minutes, so happy that I transformed my fear...

I began using that technique with other dogs, bigger and louder ones - without checking to pet them. Moving along these hounds with a loving, appreciating and playful energy surprisingly didn't feel so difficult. As a confirmation - their barking changed.
Suddenly, it didn't seem as if they hated my guts. There is still one beast who doesn't leave me alone, regardless of the fact that I pass by the land in the evening several times a week. Should I turn around and play?

The other day I took a trip to the east side of the island. New place, new energy, new people, new dogs...
This one absolutely blew my mind. I was breathlessly climbing up one steep hill to find a smoothie bar with a view. I looked up and noticed a beautiful big brown breed at the top patiently waiting for me. I don't remember whether I had to work through my dread or I just surrendered and thought: Bring it on, show me what you got... 
I paused to catch my breath, he sensed my welcoming attitude, run up to me - without barking - and I instantaneously knew that he was safe and in need to play! I engaged with him, petted him, danced with him and couldn't believe what a beauty he was. He was so excited to have me there, he smudged dirt all over my chest and left a long scratch on my arm, but I knew it was all out of love... then he hopped away and I assumed, OK, let's follow the dog.

The dog led me to the empty bar as all previous indications disappeared.
I admired my guide.
By the time I reached the top deck, I was soaked in sweat. The view (see photos) was worth every bit of the effort. Plus, I knew that I learned something important.
Perhaps I should be approaching men like I do with dogs. 
Believing the best, trusting, and letting them have their way with me. Ha, uhm, well, sort of...

The difference between lust and unconditional love

To me, the difference between lust and unconditional love is: 
Lust fires up at the speed of light, it blazes brightly with heat so intense it consumes you, it requires things to remain the same otherwise - it fizzles out just as fast, leaving a trail of bitter ashes.
Unconditional love, on the other hand, burns slowly, steadily, sustainably, doesn’t demand, keeps you warm and at peace.

You might have experienced one of those intense flames before. A desire that shines a blinding light but gets you burned, confused and left alone in the dark too soon. That was lust without love.

On the contrary, if you've ever felt a true connection before, it evolved gradually, the highs and lows were moderate, you learned through love and grew into a happier person in the process.
Chemistry can always be created.

Ask yourself: Are you happy now?

So I had to choose differently this time. Believe me, his eyes are still haunting me in my bed before falling asleep.

Yet, the twisting and turning was a great indicator that I made the right decision. One could say, it was the kundalini sexual energy on fire (partially), but also - the body never lies. If you're happy and content, you do not wriggle. You live your purpose and then you sleep soundly... it had not been the case before I surrendered. The present shallow interactions are helping me regain my rest.

Although I do not know much about unconditional love other than from my spirit guides, God, the animal realm and perhaps that very first boyfriend 12 years ago, I recognize what unconditional love isn't.

Once again, I turn around and I see that despite all my efforts not to date my father, I nearly dated my father.

The boyish rebellion, emotional resistance, and egoistic demands to be oneself - which had nothing to do with self-actualization - would be the traits of the wounded masculine, and yes, that of my father's too.

A man who is ready to give love and receive love doesn't need external validation of his autonomy, in other words - his toxic masculinity - in the eyes of the world. 

To control or demand is to abuse power.

If you are a healthy masculine man who is at peace with the feminine, intrigued by it, trusting it and loving it, you follow your heart and let love take you to its depths. There might be fear, anxiety and discomfort - it will change you, but you are welcoming the process of breaking down the society-made limitations of what it means to be a man. You don't need to be perfect or fearless, you just need to be there for others who count on your protection and integrity.

Else, if you are not willing, you'll come up with a more urgent matter (excuse) to take care of and your wounds will never heal.

A woman who is ready to give love and receive love focuses more on the circulation of playful, loving energy rather than an elaborate action to effect a certain outcome or manipulate someone to love her. 

Sex is not the doorway to a male's heart. (I really didn't know that. It only just struck me.) It must be true since I would have been the first one to test it!

The wounded feminine is a little disconnected from her body/heart - what does she really, really want? Why doesn't she give herself what she deserves?

Contrary to what she thinks, t's not an alpha-male in the bedroom.

A healthy feminine woman wants to be seen for who she is, held and cared for.  She settles for nothing less than a protector who is ready to take off the shield when with her and shed the armor together.

I might have made a few mistakes in the past... but I could not be wiser to start taking actions aligned with my values - to have an authentic, conscious and honest relationship with a man who is ready and available physically and emotionally.

And as you know by now, I'm reluctant to sleep with boys/wounded underdogs/pussies or jerks to ward off my loneliness and apathy before I find a grown MAN.

We're in global isolation for f-sake, I can sit with my feelings for a while! ;)

Happy quarantining


Overcoming the Fear of Love
I'm including a 20 minutes long TEDx video that is worth watching. Dr. Trillion Small is authentic, super-likable and a real feminine woman who’s just like us learning to overcome barriers to true intimacy. I liked her talk because it's not polished or smug but it's genuinely vulnerable.