Thursday, April 9, 2020

Giving men opportunity

I acknowledge that I was getting disappointed by the men I was meeting in the last few months after I'd left Prague in the middle of December...I have a chance to change my attitude now.
If you're a woman who could use a little help meeting new men (perhaps on your way to the pharmacy!), this post could teach you how to give a man the opportunity to step up.

Going back to basics, it's time to recall why women need men, why we appreciate them and what we love about being with them. Even though it is wonderful to be single and live independently - it is still critical to inhale the masculine scent up close, feel the safety of a bear-like embrace and be looked after every now and then.

Here's a homage to the fine men I was fortunate enough to have met, along with a few tips for finding them and keeping them.

For women, it can get somewhat frustrating to stick to all those dating manuals out there. We're not supposed to chase men, tell them what to do, act tough and self-sufficient and above all - never make the first move...

There's nothing wrong with a man addressing you out of the blue. Or is it? I like when men do not need my initiative and just walk up to me. But more often than not, these men seem emotionally unavailable, macho men with massive self-esteem or egoists. 
So how the hell are we to speak with someone a bit less of a jerk?
Some great guys have huge difficulties approaching women. 
For the less confident men out there, it requires a little feminine cunningness to help them see a green light signaling: Hey you, come on over... 
Yes, there is a way to bypass all this dating advice confusion and actually get a good man to pursue you.

Let's hypothesize a little. For the larger part, it sits better with men if they think that it was they who got you hooked and that whatever you two are up to is thanks to his idea.
Don't ask me how I know it's true, but I have met all sorts of men in my life, and those who stayed in my world are the most precious gentlemen I appreciate tremendously. These are not extinct species, there are millions of men full of integrity, masculine energy, thoughtful action, born protectors, respectful of the feminine fickleness and creativity - these men are still in my life in one way or another because I inspire them to be their best selves and they understand that I need and enjoy their presence. These males are my friends, past boyfriends, and past and present clients. 

Women who know their worth, relax.
Thus, not only do the men around you think it's so great that they found you, it feels a whole lot natural to you too if you remember that you didn't have to chase anyone or manipulate them into staying with you. The latter is doable - but - a man who stays by your side purely out of loyalty still doesn't have to love you or worship you. 
Do you want a buddy whose heart isn't in it, or do you want a champion who cannot imagine his life without protecting you?
You don't chase - you inspire. How?

Men need to be given a window of opportunity to approach you and show you what they're made of - if that's what they want.

My first boyfriend was a member of the gym I used to work at... I chose him out of the lot. I didn't chase him. He introduced himself as a musician, I asked where I could listen to his stuff. He gave me his MySpace (probably a non-existent platform now). Before friending him, I updated my profile to make sure he'd stumble upon my modeling photos (Hey, I was 20).
Right, he sent a compliment, I sent one back regarding his music... just a window of opportunity for him to ACT.
So he invited me to the studio, the rest is history. We still communicate periodically.

My second boyfriend is now my best friend and he, unfortunately, set the bar too high. I gave him the green light by being interested in his life outside of our workplace. I never tried to control him, I gave him a chance to be a giver and protector.

One of my first clients who had several issues with sexuality, emotional intimacy and personal relationships found me by accident... I didn't think I had impressed him by my knowledge at all. Yet he started coming for coaching fairly regularly until I got over myself, noticed his undeniable progress, and acknowledged my damn skills. He turned into a confident and open-hearted man in front of my eyes. I have never pushed him to keep up with his sessions, I didn't hassle him for more long-term packages, I just gave him unconditional acceptance and the opportunity for growth. Even though we have ceased working together (he doesn't need my help now), we became truly great friends. Such emotional intimacy between a man and a woman who have never been physically intimate is hard to come by.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine suggested: I think you should meet new people.
Yes, absolutely. Ehm, how? I am in Koh Phangan where I know 5 and a half people (a Czech idiom), restaurants and clubs are closed let alone the ban of private events and large group meetings. 
My routine: I go to the shop, maybe the beach, ride my bicycle and go home. 
But I also hunt for a house to rent. So I find myself in Srithanu, just strolling, and this guy rides by on a bike. "You need a lift?"
I didn't. But I accepted it. Why not, let's go wherever you were going... and so we headed to the local beach. I discovered a really charming good-hearted man in Gabriel. Who wouldn't be a God's messenger with that name anyway? I hope that we will meet for some more philosophical discussions.

I also got to strike a lovely convo with someone at the immigration office. But he hasn't asked for my number. It is important to discern that it is not your job to charm someone enough to the point that they ask for your contact details. Remember, it is not a project to be considered a catch and therefore, it is not your duty to ask a guy for his number. Honestly, it will feel better for both parties involved if the male is the one thinking he went fishing and caught the perfect fish. If he doesn't ask, he might be in a relationship and so he doesn't need to /want to contact you in the future. Simple.

The most important example:
Today, I am riding my bicycle and notice a tall dark stranger whom I keep seeing around leaving a driveway. I hit the pedals and aim towards the Phantip market... I doubted he would have suddenly changed his favorite eating place...
Sure enough, when I get off my horse by the entrance, all sweaty, my eyes meet his. Time for a smile...
To smile is the perfect thing a girl can do to open the window of opportunity. However, don't expect miracles after an inconspicuous move that is oftentimes misinterpreted or impossible to act on in a timely fashion.
By now, him and his friends must know that 'this girl is friendly and approachable.'

I take my chances. I put my face mask on, walk in and casually, slowly pass them by... we greet. I commence a small talk... yes, I do. It's more playful than you think. 
They all seem really nice guys... I announce that I'll go get a smoothie and that I'll probably see them around.
To my surprise, my favorite one, T., reappears to ask if I am staying here alone and if perhaps one day I'd like to hang out.
"Yeah, that would be nice," I say with a big bright smile under the mask... 
Behold, he had no idea I followed his bike all the way from the junction. I just turned up at the right time at the right place as if I planned nothing. 

Step 1 - Give them an opportunity to approach you.
Step 2 - Do nothing else but be friendly.
Step 3 - If they ask for your contact details, let them text you first.
If step 3 won't happen, no harm done.

Meanwhile, have fun and meet more people. This has never been difficult for me. I like to open the window of opportunity and leave the rest up to faith. The new interest might end up leading you to other wonderful possibilities and life lessons. It is not always about a potential romance and that's what makes it exciting.
Mission accomplished.







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Please be kind and have some compassion for my non-native English grammar. Applications for voluntary editing are now open.