How I fixed my intimacy issues (article for the Elephant Journal)

Fixing Intimacy Issues

by Pavlina Fedakova

Dr. Seth Meyers writes: "The true meaning of intimacy refers to trust and honesty in a relationship. It requires that you let your guard down and trust that your partner will not take advantage of you." 

I will not lie, despite all my spiritual awareness and relationship experience, I'm a recovering intimacy escapist.

I used to crave a connection that would be out of this world, wishing I'd bumped into a handsome stranger who would sweep me off my feet… until well, until I did, and then I run! I run as fast as I could and shed only a couple of tears which were mostly of gratitude for having have met that person. In fact, the emotional rollercoasters became so predictable, that I learned to simply observe my freaking out, journal about my twisted logic, take contemplative walks to revel in it, and then shun all emotions down. It turned into a talent.

When I freaked out for the first time, I concluded there must have been something wrong with me. I wondered - Maybe I'm antisocial, not made for a relationship, maybe I don't know how to give, maybe I'm not enough and that was way too much…. Later, I learned that I'm pretty loving and socially adequate - no matter how introverted I feel, that I'm a giver - no matter how much I love to receive,  and I'm worthy, yet those experiences didn't level up.

Many of my younger years were consumed in brief relationships based on physical attraction for sexual satisfaction. That translated into the inevitable lack of knowledge about emotional intimacy. Intimacy should be a subject at school where we’d study how to trust the opposite sex, communicate our feelings, and find comfort in vulnerability. Whereas now in my 30's learning these things feels like jumping off the cliff into the sea, naked.

Some time ago, I set out on a quest to face my intimacy fears, hoping to learn in a peaceful but controlled way, microdosing myself with dates with eligible bachelors. Sometimes the man would be so wrong for me that the lesson couldn't be more right - Stop dating bad boys to remain in an intimacy-free comfort zone, instead - go for the good ones, I pep-talked myself.

Now I understand that with radical self-love come more suitable choices. Self-sabotaging by dating a 'jerk' is only a reflection of what you believe you deserve. You must learn to see the value of your uniqueness. If you compassionately accept your background story and your quirks, you'll automatically want someone who can match that love you can give to yourself.

I spent some time getting to know my last crush. That was a first. I inspected him like the police, questioning his relationship history and checking every detail about his psyche. I expected to detect if he was just as avoidant as me since we tend to attract our mirrors. Not sure how far I was ready to take it, I slipped back into the old pattern. I run back to my shell, then towards him, then away again.

In the end, I concluded he was exactly what I needed and I committed to being interested. 

One evening, he shared something he doesn't usually talk about. Hesitantly, I reciprocated with a similar secret. After the exchange of trust, he drew me close to hug me which wasn't sexual at first, more like an affectionate: "Even if I never got you, I still like and appreciate you". Suddenly, I was brought back to the room to smell his hair, feel his stubble prickling my cheek and his warm lips kissing my neck. An electricity impulse shot right down my pants. I longed to have him hold me and consume me. The physical bodies disappeared. Left were only two masses of energy intertwining in a dynamic play. I felt safe, my heart open to giving and receiving, ready to merge with his spirit. It was all about the hearts anyway.

Emotional intimacy preceded the physical. In reverse order, we feel depleted of energy and more alone than before - a frequent mistake of intimacy escapists. Real intimacy is not as scary in practice as it's in theory. Vulnerability is attractive. I encourage you to take the plunge. Don't be with someone who isn't willing to dive in with you. Be patient, and embrace the fact that you still might be an Intimacy Junior.

By Pavlina Fedakova