Friday, October 16, 2020

All things must come to an end. But not so soon.

I'm seeing that this week has been all about listening to the body... The body wanted more food than usual, it wanted a different type of exercise - mostly just necessary bicycle journeys and slower-paced danced moves (cannot call that an exercise) - and it craved wine.... Moreover, it cried a lot. 

It's not even my period week. But the tears just keep pouring... So much has become clear and I'm still wrapping my head around all the revelations. 

You know that I'm all about trusting the messages of the body and just rolling with it. If you're insomniac, you understand what I mean. Sometimes the body has a mind of its own. We can console it, kid to it, try to bargain, but it just does its thing. For a change, I've been sleeping okay in the past few weeks, which I believe is due to the fact that I stopped resisting... I stopped resisting new challenges, new responsibilities, falling in love and the way my body wants to be. The crying is relieving on a whole new level.

I've been speaking in riddles in here.

I never clarified that Teal became 'my baby'. I got so attached to her. Like my blonde princess whom I loved checking upon, a stubborn teenager loving her technology and head-banging to music so loud in her headphones that I could be knocking on her door forever or just enter her room unnoticed, I loved cooking for her, engaging in our warm conversations during dinnertime or her out-of-nowhere hugs. But she's never been my baby, to begin with. She's always been the baby of her parents, and I'd be always someone expected to comply with their rules and report back to them.

So when she finally told me today that she's never been cool with me getting a boyfriend and staying overnight elsewhere once a week, reminding me that I broke all the rules... I realized that things have definitely not been as peachy as they appeared.

Maybe I should ask my mum if drinking 1,5 bottles of wine in 3 days is normal.

I knew that the things here were just a product of my naive mind.

I knew it would come to the end. June... or some other month... it doesn't matter. 

I love that my body has been sensing major shifts before they even occurred.

Damn, you ladybug sign... I trust you have bigger plans for me. After all, hasn't it been for Teal, I'd never know how much I could love someone else's child and be a devoted mum to it.

But I'm not leaving yet. Not now when I'm all committed and starting to love this sense of stability. Compromises will have to be made.

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Love, whether temporary or ever-lasting, it's good and nourishing for the heart

This is going to be a very straight-forward post, and super honest, just like I love to speak and write! 😆

Esther Perel mentioned in her interview with Lewis Howes that there are two types of romantic partners... With the first type, we could have a really great love story, whereas with the other - we could write a life story.

Here's a potential love story.

I found someone. Someone perfect for now, for this time of healing, of changing seasons, shedding of old skin and armour, for the era of masked-up faces, social distancing hindering new connections, time of longing for hugs, affection and exciting encounters, for this period of the most phantasmagorical crisis in modern history.... so dangerous for our mental health and wellbeing that there are no words to describe the actual consequences. And, he's going through that with me.

Isn't it ironic how our instincts can tell if someone is perfect for now, but definitely not for later... or perfect for later but not for now? My first and probably only real relationship years ago felt like the latter. He was the ideal man, a husband material fit for an amazing life story, and even as a 21-year-old, I knew that someday he'd make the best father to his future children. But at that age, perfection for later meant nothing to me. I wanted to live to the max right there and then, to travel, meet other people and get to know myself. It was the wrong timing for us. He's still in my life as a friend who's always there for me, thankfully. For the last 12 years, I haven't met anyone like him, yet leaving him helped me grow. Now I'd kill for a settled man like that.

This new guy, let's call him Chris, is... perfect for now. I'm making it work for me for I promised myself to never sabotage myself again. I'd not want to switch things up just because I think ahead more than I embody the present moment. That approach should have been embraced before - Had I stayed present 12 years ago, I would have seen a man who was making me feel safe, precious and loved every day. If I stay present now, I'm seeing a fairly effortless connection based on a fascination with our differences and mutual attraction, and it feels good. He's lovable, just not quite ready to give more of himself.

Another reason why I'm staying involved despite Chris's emotional unavailability is that I don't want to be alone at this time of global crises. Judge me as you wish. I've spent more years as single and alone than in relationships so... I yearn to stand beside someone. There's not even any better fit in my social circle right now. I just moved to York. My circle consists of 3 people. Women.

This budding relationship reminds me of Adam. The Australian affair that I blogged about 3-4 years ago. While I was getting over a big heartbreak, I struck a connection with a man who was just crossing the street. We exchanged numbers, had one innocent date after which I rejected him, and then we accidentally bumped into each other a coupla months later again. It turned into a sexual friendship lasting 5 months. We visited bars and restaurants to eat and each other's homes to f#ck. No social activities, no deep talk, I don't even remember sensual kissing or holding hands. It was easy, monogamous must be said, unemotional and I dare to say that it was good for me. I felt no pressure, it was heart-warming in its own way and helpful for forgetting my ex.

Then Adam moved out of Brisbane and I found J... a nice love story. Despite him being perfectly emotionally available, affectionate, kind, hot and always a safe refuge, he wasn't, and still isn't, physically available. Perfect for then, perfect for later, but unlikely.

Now back to October 2020. I'm casually seeing Chris and it's been a tender and interesting learning experience. I have no doubt that I've grown into a loving woman who's nevertheless looking for a reliable mate for life. He ought to be just as ready as. This current practice is preparing me for the big life story yet to be written. Why am I feeling it in my bones? Because I'm no longer rejecting people and things that feel good and nourishing to my heart.  (Hello, kale).