Friday, October 16, 2020

All things must come to an end. But not so soon.

I'm seeing that this week has been all about listening to the body... The body wanted more food than usual, it wanted a different type of exercise - mostly just necessary bicycle journeys and slower-paced danced moves (cannot call that an exercise) - and it craved wine.... Moreover, it cried a lot. 

It's not even my period week. But the tears just keep pouring... So much has become clear and I'm still wrapping my head around all the revelations. 

You know that I'm all about trusting the messages of the body and just rolling with it. If you're insomniac, you understand what I mean. Sometimes the body has a mind of its own. We can console it, kid to it, try to bargain, but it just does its thing. For a change, I've been sleeping okay in the past few weeks, which I believe is due to the fact that I stopped resisting... I stopped resisting new challenges, new responsibilities, falling in love and the way my body wants to be. The crying is relieving on a whole new level.

I've been speaking in riddles in here.

I never clarified that Teal became 'my baby'. I got so attached to her. Like my blonde princess whom I loved checking upon, a stubborn teenager loving her technology and head-banging to music so loud in her headphones that I could be knocking on her door forever or just enter her room unnoticed, I loved cooking for her, engaging in our warm conversations during dinnertime or her out-of-nowhere hugs. But she's never been my baby, to begin with. She's always been the baby of her parents, and I'd be always someone expected to comply with their rules and report back to them.

So when she finally told me today that she's never been cool with me getting a boyfriend and staying overnight elsewhere once a week, reminding me that I broke all the rules... I realized that things have definitely not been as peachy as they appeared.

Maybe I should ask my mum if drinking 1,5 bottles of wine in 3 days is normal.

I knew that the things here were just a product of my naive mind.

I knew it would come to the end. June... or some other month... it doesn't matter. 

I love that my body has been sensing major shifts before they even occurred.

Damn, you ladybug sign... I trust you have bigger plans for me. After all, hasn't it been for Teal, I'd never know how much I could love someone else's child and be a devoted mum to it.

But I'm not leaving yet. Not now when I'm all committed and starting to love this sense of stability. Compromises will have to be made.



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Please be kind and have some compassion for my non-native English grammar. Applications for voluntary editing are now open.