Monday, November 30, 2020

When overly feminine and overly masculine doesn't work

Yes, we tend to attract our opposites. But how well does it work?

I tried to make the internal shift, go and meet more sensitive men, someone who'd - like me - be able to communicate about emotions and who'd be able to show some loving feelings towards me - if it came to that. I had no intentions to take my meetings beyond friendly chats and slightly philosophical discussions. None whatsoever. If anything, I was getting an ego boost. My ego felt threatened by Chris's coolness/ambivalence occasional standoffishness and the fact that he's gotten out of a long-term relationship not that long ago. Was I just a healing tool? A bandaid on something he should have inspected before plunging into yet another dysfunctional relationship? 

Was it a relationship?

I felt separate and alone most of the time, except for 1 or 2 days immediately after our sporadic, yet amazing, dates. Still running on post-coitus high, I'd feel madly in love as if he and I could withstand anything, even this fucked up pandemic and stressful jobs. 

I felt afraid that I was more invested in the emotional side of things than he was, and since he's shown me just the physical engagement, I felt that I needed to detach myself a little. I called it - 'positively detached' because obviously, I knew where my heart was. In the meantime, I needed to shift my focus, relax and perhaps even meet other people, other men who'd provide some contrast to what I was experiencing with Chris. I'm only just learning about myself and how affected I still am by the past failed relationship attempts and by the worst possible role models one could get in childhood.

That's why I liked scheduling my other meetings at that time when I didn't feel too frustrated - that would come a day or two later. Meeting up with a fellow Buddhist, whom I nevertheless met through an app way before I met Chris, felt innocent. It made me appreciate Chris's masculine traits even more.

But balance is key. Overwhelm by emotions cause me to sabotage and self-destruct myself like nothing else. And a masculine man will destruct everything else, even something like an uncomfortable push so he could finally break his heart open.

I possibly fucked up. Unlike him saying "There's no point in splitting hairs...", I think that there is.

It's no trivial matter. It's our future - possible individual futures. I learned that since I've been betrayed so many times in the past, my current coping mechanism is to mistrust, spread my nets far and wide, have a plan b, c, d, e.... and not count on a man for anything.

Of course, that's not fair and must feel hurtful to him!

I shall not do that again. But... trust in life supporting me must be rebuilt first.

What lesson could he possibly learn from this? Perhaps the fact that without communication, even at times of stress and amidst feelings - like withdrawing back to the man cave, there'll always be misunderstandings and arguments. It is possible to prevent that by simply letting the other person know what is going on.

Especially if the other person, I - in this case, have deep abandonment wounds...

I did not expect it would be so bad until it came to it.

Well, it's time to embrace my inner masculine, harness its objectivity and problem-solving skills. It's time to find a balance of emotionality and coming back to my center of stillness. It's time to focus on solutions and screw the shit old stories I run through my head about how much I suck at relationships. (Fuck yeah, I USED TO stink.) NOT ANYMORE.

He's letting me walk away. Without a proper fight, without acknowledging that he's fucked up too. It's never a one-way street. I had reasons for acting how I did. That is no absolution though.

I definitely love the man he is. I just need to feel loved too. I can't go through life feeling deprived. I've worked hard on feeling worthy to receive, so it hurts to see a man perfectly capable of giving and receiving love, yet not doing either.

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Please be kind and have some compassion for my non-native English grammar. Applications for voluntary editing are now open.