Friday, April 9, 2021

Being a carer

Working as a carer has its perks. I don't mean disposing of soiled diapers and wiping the damage, but well, that's part of the deal. In fact, every new mother could say the same. You care about the human being you look after so much that it actually hurts you more if they're suffering from bellyache than having to deal with 'accidents' ever so often. Their wellbeing is of the utmost importance to you, whatever it takes.

One of the perks is stability - every day is the same and you know what to expect. Strange, you may think... but given my history of commitment-less life, constant changes and the maximum of unpredictability, this certainty is what I was craving. 

Then there are the fun times you and your client share together, the laughs, the tenderness, hugs and evenings spent watching sh#t on the telly. Thank God my elderly lady doesn't care what's on. I don't let her watch the Covid news! Well, sometimes I forget. Then I glimpse and hear too much, become mesmerized by the drama and the ridiculousness and unreliability of it all and just stare at the screen jaw open myself... then I quickly switch the channels. She doesn't care. She has no idea what's going on in the world... maybe that's why I like it here so much. She doesn't brainwash me with the atrocities of the pandemic, the need for me to be careful, self-isolate, wear a mask everywhere and just shut myself out... she's happy... she has far better stuff to reminisce about ... She keeps wondering whether she's only 21... then at times of sanity telling me she's probably 60, maybe 80 and a bit... At other times she pays compliments to all these people joining us at the table or just randomly sitting in places in the living room... "What a handsome man sitting over there." Where? "There..." She points her chin to the sofa. Empty sofa. Okay, dear.

Last night I had a strange dream... three blonde men pursuing me...(all suspiciously looking like Charlie Hunnam). One asked me what's the deal with me, how come I am single, have no children and if I wanted children...? I felt his attraction towards me and the intensity of his eyes... of course, I'd like to make babies with him! But I composed myself and I said that I'll have children when I feel safe...

It sounds funny now that I remember it. But it's totally logical. 

The last time I felt safe with a man I was 22. Too young to settle down. Then there is the commitment to a place one needs to make, the responsibility that comes with raising a child into a decent adult. I'd have to have a supportive network around me and feel loved by my husband, the father of the child. Giving feels great and it is my second nature, but the cup requires to be refilled constantly.

Today I completely surrendered the wish to be a mother - someday - to the divine. Nothing in my life happened by chance, it all makes perfect sense now and I trust, I trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should for everyone's highest good. Maybe I'm not supposed to be married, pregnant and raise a child... maybe I'm supposed to be a carer. And that's perfectly fine with me too.

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

How to silence the outside world and think for yourself...


Let's be a little sceptical today...

Don't you sometimes wish to silence all the noise out there? 
Even if it's just in your head. I mean, we hear so much input from so called gurus and experts, and while a lot of what they say is sound and may be fine to hear if you don't normally introspect, it can be very unhelpful if you do, and you like thinking outside of the box.
If you're accustomed to meditating and journalling regularly and you're an avid reader - you already play with the fire of information overload!
Everybody's got something to say. Especially, during this pandemic. Mostly, it's the media that feeds us a lot of unnecessary data. It serves to instil fear within us and makes conforming the only logical response.

It's too much. Too much advice out there and it just makes me wonder where has our common sense gone, where is the whisper of our intuition and mainly, how can we even hear it if we keep listening to other people's opinion? Can't we just admit that the current affairs are getting more and more ridiculous?

Regarding relationship guidance. Do we really need someone to tell us when to text, when not to text, how to ask someone out or when to sleep with them? Should we take the guru's words literally and apply them universally?

Come on!
Everyone is so different. If you wanted to date me, I bet that there is no manual out there that would help you get me. No exact rules apply to me and no book would tell you how to work your magic on me bulletproofly. Just think for yourself, feel into your heart, and give it your best shot.
Thank you for being original! X

Friday, April 2, 2021

My UK comeback's finally worth it

The last 5 days have been my happiest days this year so far.

I left the placement in Dronfield and got a new client in Greater Manchester. The moment I saw her, I knew that we'd get on super well. This elderly lady is like a much sweeter version of my own grandmother. The live-in work demands all my focus, as expected, but it's also been smooth and filled with adequate downtime so I can work on my own stuff. I've been enjoying it a lot! The days here are hilarious and rewarding too. 

In a little over a week, I'm back in Yorkshire, places will be open, and I'm ready to party! I'm joking. I'm just happy that it's becoming warmer and sunnier, and the outdoors has always remained open and accessible, even during this deceptive pandemic.

I'm sharing more of my 'light' on Insta these days, so tune in for some spiritual wisdom! @pavlinalioness

Monday, March 29, 2021

It's always the darkest before the dawn

I've been feeling into the recent changes, new commitments, my conscious choice not to numb myself, the inevitable breakdowns that followed, and recovering the will to move forward. Is that what they mean by adulting?

I feel everything these days, maybe it's because I don't drink alcohol to numb, ward off my thoughts and emotions as something to be ashamed of. I don't get a foggy brain from too much flour and sugar, and I don't go hunting for men to exchange a sense of a deep loss for superficial climaxes.

I committed to my employment as a carer and my calling of a healer and life coach. At least for now, I'm fully in.

Commitments have always seemed scary to me. I've been the type who had one foot in, one foot out. Since I preached to become my best coach and client - I decided to place both my feet in one direction. I started aligning with my highest values despite seeing such little evidence of those virtues in my life. Like unconditional love, honesty, stability, and family. I must start creating those with the hope that these ideals exist.

Let's get to the point of today's post.

The best thing about managing a blog that you write and not censor is that you can speak a lot of bullshit to cover up your mistakes and present only a one-sided story!

What is the truth behind all this mess I found myself in? Why am I suddenly so adamant to change? The breakup wasn't a surprising event. My lack of commitment in the past drove all men mad and in the end, away from me. The potential (good) relationships collapsed because I kept pushing love away and showed my non-committal, hot and cold side the most. Self-defence, maybe. And also so frickin' childish from me. I literally committed to no thing, no place, and no person. And the boy knew it too. Would those qualities look attractive to me in a man? Nope.

I must stay present. It's too easy to drift off and imagine myself de-stressing on a beach in Tulum or dancing to shamanic beats in Bali. It would be doable to pack my bag and leave even during this pandemic. But I've been reacting in that manner all my life. The hardest part is to observe and FEEL that it's not been working out for me well. It's psychosis-inducing to feel like there's no ground beneath my feet, I'm so lost to the point where I think it's all a big nightmare and hopefully, I'll wake up soon. The breakup and disappearance of someone I thought I loved shattered my illusions about what could be possible in my love life. I can’t have it all? Now I want to find the line between big dreams and practicalities, and crush it.

By staying present and focused, the sense of what's possible for me, even if it's with someone else, is coming back. I still occasionally spiral down the dark pitch where I blame myself for everything, but as they say - it takes two to tango. Some of his actions - or no actions - prompted my old wounds to open and shit ensued. If you know what the other person can't stand, then stop doing it. Well, he likes his space, so I'm focusing on my own. I'm creating space for someone who’ll appreciate that I've lived, loved and learned. I've done the hardest part - I uncovered my shadow, loved the unloved parts of myself, accepted them, and worked on feeling worthy of having both freedom and stability too.

It's always the darkest before the dawn they say. A week ago, I crumbled in front of my male friend on Skype, sobbing that I could use advice from masculine energy to give me a sense of direction. He stopped me in my tracks. He said: "You traveled back to the UK with the intention to get back together with someone who doesn't deserve you, you committed to the work that you know it's not your destination but it can finance your business... How's that for direction?" 

It was so incredibly empowering. He was right. I can do this. For a few months at least, before I fully heal and will be financially strong to move on to a full-time holistic career. And the right man? Well, he'll appear when I commit to releasing the past and all the blocks that prevent me from believing that I can experience genuine love.

Bloody full moon in Libra!

"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back." - Florence + The Machine

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Self-healing with dance, fun, and pleasure

I've never heard anyone say: "Wow, this was so much fun, I felt too much pleasure, let's not have this much fun again please!" Said no one ever. But some people might feel that way. Not me.

These days it’s perhaps better to have an all-or-nothing mindset.

In my case, I'm not interested in just fun. There are men who are intriguing enough to satisfy both my imagination when it comes to sex and even the thought that perhaps they have something valuable to offer long-term.

Meanwhile, have plenty of fun on your own. I'm not addressing only self-pleasuring, but that too. I’ve been busy exploring my surroundings lately. Recent trips to Knaresborough and Brimham Rocks were my favorite. What magical places! And next week my work will bring me into yet another uncharted  territory.

If you’re somewhere too familiar, get creative, especially, if you’re single. Reach out to your friends and take mini trips. It's kinda funny if you know people who avidly follow pornstars and sexy plus-size models on Instagram, yet they wouldn’t even text a horny girl next door who used to be a sex worker... just saying. Watching ‘fun’ is not the same as being proactive and creating it! Get busy.

I'm healing. While lingering in small remnants of grief might not be the right place to fall in love again, just yet, it is the perfect place to bring more joy and pleasure into my life. Whatever that may look like. Dancing my heart and my butt out is pretty satisfying too!

Then there are the little things. Like sipping a quality oat mocha from Love Brownies shop in the Harrogate town center, sitting in front of a row of beautiful Primroses, and watching life go by. Bliss...

Friday, March 19, 2021

When you're torn between the head and the heart / sense and sensibility

Yes, the masculine and the feminine are completely different.

But they can communicate and hear each other out.

This is a mega healing exercise from two hours ago, and admittedly, it's a little out there! lol. Enjoy:

After my late dance workout, I noticed that I've felt much better, alive, more confident, and ready to screw all the recent bullshit I was going through and the unending grief that kept me paralyzed. In fact, I was ready to move to Mexico the next week! Or perhaps Costa Rica. 

Or was I?

As I was looking at my face in the mirror, it was spotting this uncanny smirk... I felt weirdly attracted to it, but I also despised it. I looked like a woman who was bitchy, ready to fuck and not give a fuck - something like that. However, it was only the left half of my face... 

At first, it looked sexy-ish, a slight smile just to the one side of the face, and a twinkle in the eye, also only on the left side... and so I began observing what was going on with the right side. Again, at first, I assumed I had some post-workout happy-sweaty expression, I also cried a bit (dance has me spill out all the emotions within me), so my mascara was all over, my hair was dishevelled, and the grin just topped the funny look. so... I did a little test, I hid the right half of the face with my hand and just observed my left - feminine - side. It looked suggestive and ruthless, then I switched hands and uncovered my right - masculine - side... it was stoic. Absolutely emotionless expression and what the fuck, I tried to smile with the corner of my mouth and it didn't move! It couldn't go upward - it wasn't able to smile! Moreover, the eye looked empty. I felt empty. It freaked me out.

I sat down on the mat, my head in my hands.... am I having a stroke? No. I knew that there was a conflict within me... what was up?

I covered my feminine eye, and I felt into the masculine. Initially, I felt stillness and peace, no-mind, so I dropped down into the heart chakra... What are you feeling my dear man? And him - I - began to sob! Very masculine style of sobbing when you're not completely breaking down, and you're not even obsessively thinking or knowing why you're crying, but the tears are just streaming. So I split myself in three. It was the woman (we'll get to her), the man and me - the higher self. I embraced myself and stroked my arms and in between sobs I was reassuring the man that I and her are here to hold him... I didn't ask any further questions.

I shifted places and I covered the masculine and inquired into my feminine... Why were you sneering my dear and what is it that you want? The woman in me, definitely the most dominating essence of my being, sometimes completely ruining my life... told me that she wants to go someplace far away from T. (Chris), that she's done with him, and she's ready to go and let loose... and then the man stepped in and whispered: She's running away from rejection. But she cannot escape it till she accepts it and heals. She'll keep forever escaping herself. It's not the first time and won't be the last time if she goes. 

I knew. The woman there suddenly feels into her heart... and she feels this pang, it's hollow, hurts like hell and she knows she's so scared of pain, so so scared of another breakup happening in the future... she just wants to run and be free of this pain. She's broken and she thinks that fun will 'fix' her. She doesn't shed a tear, yet she calms down...

I go back to the masculine and I ask him... What would you advise her? Can you help her? Hold her safe? Help her find stillness, you're so good with it... Again, my masculine communicates without too many words or emotions... it just gives me deep inner wisdom and knowing... He tells me that I - us - need to find my focus first. And that I can do it wherever I am, even here in the UK. That I must heal and forgive myself first.

I missed Chris so much, but I was also angry at him, the feminine in me was. The masculine in me surprised me with its compassion and a newly discovered sensibility.

I go to my woman for the last time and I feel completely different energy... she's heard her companion. He used to seem oppressive to her, always too practical and full of orders and restrictions upon her... but now she sees that he also saved her from trouble so many times before. She's willing to listen. And at least wait with booking the flight tickets until next week. The man is very confident that some happy news and new opportunities (and more thought) will come up this weekend. Yes, she feels more positive too. 

My conflicted sides embrace and make peace and decide on holding their horses. No deadline for healing. But it must be done before any move happens. Breakups suck but they must be felt and dealt with fully. I nearly felt my jawline relaxing and my face evening out...

Well, my higher self is saying - we can still go to Mexico! But perhaps not on Monday. LET'S DEVISE A LONG-TERM PLAN FIRST.


Thursday, March 18, 2021

I'm determined to be my own best client and coach

Why do we seek advice from others? Because they see things clearer than we do?
Others simply keep us accountable for our actions or non-actions. Your friend or personal coach is not afraid to call you out on your bullshit. You know where you err... so are you gonna do something about it?

What better way to market myself as a life coach than getting my life back together and lead by example. The journey is the destination. Where was I a fraud? I am determined to give myself everything I'm worthy of, everything I need and desire first. I uncovered my bullshit, and I'm done regretting past choices. My current pain is the make or break moment that will help me understand others at crossroads far better!

I can start coaching before I become perfect because I'm an example of getting back on track when shit hits the fan. I'm setting boundaries in relationships/friendships, keeping an optimistic outlook, keep eating clean, exercising daily, and breaking addictions - I'm living what I preach.

I'm now giving myself permission to date someone healthy for me in due time who'll treat me right. Someone who'll truly see us together long-term. A stable, generous, down to earth, supportive, happy, healthy, eligible bachelor soo in love with me. 

And of course, him being a little weird is okay since I’m not completely normal either!
I'm going to stop in my tracks as soon as I spot red flags. There were soooo many with Chris, I even wrote them down! This is not a good time to focus on a person's potential. He wasn't a client paying for that. I had to acknowledge the reality that he'd never invest much thought in his growth, to begin with. I was addicted to digging for pleasure where there was an overwhelming pain.
This one is tough to break, but addictions are.

I’ve never before understood that I had to be my own best coach and client first. I always knew the transformation theory, but I wasn't keeping myself accountable for staying on track even when shit hit the ceiling. Funny.
Well, it's never too late to start correcting my own steps!

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

From a loser to a free spirit to a life coach

Do you also have a friend who sorts of 'inspires' you to feel bad about yourself? Not their fault at all. What they say or do just simply triggers something in you that would have otherwise chilled in the background. Until they, or too much wine, bring the subject up.

A phone convo:

"We decided to work on a second child..."

Wow, that's amazing!

"We realized we have good stable jobs and frankly, we've gotten kinda lazy physically, you know, we're not the youngest..." (and she's still 3 years younger than you).

Oh, shut up about the age...but I'm really happy for you two (and I truly am) Enjoy the process of working on becoming pregnant!

"Haha, you know I'm not so into that [sex], but I love being a mother..."

Upon hearing that you start sinking into your old, or current, story. My recent story is that of a sad breakup. I fucking love sex, I miss it and I'd kill to be a mum!

Then you go further, you wanna be a parent to at least one child (yesterday would have been great), your heart is filled with so much love to give... your parental instincts woke up quite recently... because you met an idiot disguised as the special guy... So I zone out and desperately try to shun back the burning tears, but it's too late, a few began rolling.... still, I'm not gonna cry my eyeballs out, not today, not now standing in front of Marks and Spencers.

Do I seem like a loser to you? I ask her, my best friend of x years whom I adore so much for her organized personality, her unconditional acceptance and her determination to make life as comfortable as she can - for herself and her family.

"Are you kidding me? You've always been a free spirit and experienced so many things and places I've only dreamed about. Whenever I speak with you I feed of the freedom you have and it makes me feel like I'm free for a moment too."

Well, I don't get that logic... but, whatever she says.

I'm a wishing-well person. I'm so happy for those of my friends who are doing well and I feel and cry with those who aren't. I've had too much focus on myself lately. I think I'm not 100% over the fact that I invested so much energy and resources into an imaginary relationship with an emotionally and physically unavailable man.

But shit happens if you let it. I let it.


If I'm gonna commit to becoming a full-time life coach, I better start with myself. I gotta be the best coach I've ever had. I paid for a few before and I was disappointed. Maybe this is my time to live by the example that I set. I must be my best client and make bloody sure that I don't break any more rules that I set.

Like - Don't date idiots.

But also, don't drink more than a glass of wine up to 3 x a week, dance every day, eat clean, stop limiting your abilities and pushing joy away. Dream big. 

Just a few tips to start with.

Sunday, March 14, 2021


I feel better. Keeping busy with work and healing the last pieces of a broken heart and some other baggage.

I'm remembering but not longing. 
And that’s nice progress. 

I remember all the good stuff. The hikes, the secret visits, the night in London, being looked after in Whitby, and receiving the best Christmas present ever.

Of course, the lovemaking is hard to forget.
How could I trade that for an animalistic act with a stranger just to get over everything faster and move on? That would be violence.

I’m grateful for those memories, I don't want to taint them.

I now laugh at his overprotectiveness of the flat too. That’s sacred. A man cave. Max 3 nights in a row allowed. Thank god I didn’t have to pay for his ‘Airbnb' where I couldn’t even switch off. 
It makes me feel better about my little individualistic needs.

I don’t know his side of the story re future possible interactions. But I’m a queen... and I don’t beg. Especially, sinc
e he even seemed bothered by my 'How are you'.
Sometimes I'd wonder if we had much to say to each other. I don’t know if it would be different without the pandemic. Would we even hook up? Would we get along without the fucking that kept us busy? 

Maybe if there were more options to keep occupied with last year, it would help me see that he was only meant to be a friend.
But now he doesn’t even want a friendship. Plus, I already know that he’s a good fuck, and that knowledge drives me crazy.

So it’s too late to wonder "what if".
To every action, there are consequences.
But luckily, ours are manageably mild, not the worst, and the lessons were priceless.

When I admitted to a possible dependence on sex to feel loved/worthy, I cried over it a little. Surprisingly, in effect, the desire got under control and the urge is diminishing.
I feel better this way. More focused and stable. I'm glad that some divine intervention prevented me from making a few bad mistakes!
I might look into this further.


Sunday, March 7, 2021

Loving sex be like... fishing.

Beware of creating out of lack, or from a place of fear... you're bound to create a mismatch.

Yesterday was the day I let go and embodied it. Or so I thought. It's been 2 months since the breakup over the phone, and 2 months and 2 weeks since I last slept with T. (Chris).

They say you don't get over someone until you get under someone.

I haven't... and I don't think that's what's needed now. 

I've always been a master at separating sex and love and I'm glad I'm
going back to entertaining that thought - but with a loving and unconditionally positive regard.
I see it as two opinions.

To all the lovely ladies out there...
First, you can sleep with a man on the first date, or second date, and still be a goddess in his eyes. We're not Virgin Mary.

I have yet to meet a man who’d not welcome my high sex drive or a man not eager to please.
Or maybe I’m just lucky like that 😜

The most important attitude is your attitude.
Receive. Don’t fear pleasure. Surrender to joy and ecstasy.

Separate your worrisome mundane life from sex. You can have both just not at the same time.

The same goes for love. If you want love, it takes time, trust, frequent playtime, good communication, and a common vision for the future.
However, sex is much less demanding.

It’s possible to separate sex from love.
I prefer that discernment these days!

As Woody Allen says in A Midsummer Night Sex Comedy, 1982:

"Sex alleviates tension, love causes it."

If a man wants to give, let him give. Your receptivity is your gift to him. I love masculine givers! 💦

Second, let's backpedal a little bit.

If you know that you're a wife and mother material, maybe it's best to keep it in your pants and show the Universe that you're ready to receive what you deserve. A mature man who is ready to give you what you want.

I missed having sex with Chris so badly. He was passive, nonresponsive, and very unhelpful in the last 2 months when I needed a boyfriend the most. In all honesty, I had to ask: Was I missing him or just his penis inside my vagina? Or simply any penis inside my vagina??

And it turns out the answer is - I miss a mature's man loving penis in my reciprocating vagina.
Forever processing the past relationship got me worried that I'd repeat the same mistakes if I jumped into another one too soon. But I changed. And I don't care if the people who don't know me well think it took me a day, it has taken me 33 years actually. I'm ready to stop acting out and let my disorganized attachment mentality (part avoidant, part anxious) ruin my relationships. The truly brave people could handle me, they survived the push and pull dynamic and so can the next guy. I'm ready and available. I call this an abundance mentality!

If the one I gave my heart to didn't care enough to change, to become more affectionate, kind, text me and pursue me, there's plenty of fish in the sea. And that's probably where I should be anyway. At the sea, carefully examining every fish, having a fun tasting, but taking my time before giving my heart away again.

I won't let myself get bitter. The belief in love and connection can be restored the moment we recognize that we're still on track. I'm on track, focused, playful and curious. I'm not gonna make the same mistake again. Learn to recognize acting out of wounding, ditch your addictions, and you won't either.

Friday, March 5, 2021

Love & Care. Decide it'll be and it shall be.

Self-love and self-care come in many forms. One day you're in a bathtub sipping tea, and the next day you're sprawled on a yoga mat hysterically crying. It can also look like having a full day of clean eating and then downing a glass of wine at night because your obsessive thoughts wouldn't let you sleep. Your inner protective system won't scold you after a mistake. It'll take it in, accept it, and help you move on.

Of course, on an especially healthy day, self-love won't let you pitty yourself, text your ex who doesn't give a shit about you, or eat a tub of peanut butter for lunch. Self-care will step in and have you remember all the things you used to enjoy. Dance, go for a walk and smile at strangers, read a good book, have a balanced meal, and bake something yum... then dance some more.

Hold yourself in a safe space. It's okay to feel lonely. I think we all do at some point. 

I don't always reach out for help. But I know that I should. If not to the Spirit, I have some amazing friends who are always there for me. I must but ask. Sometimes though, the advice of others is either purely factual or plain subjective. I mean - these people mean well, but really, only you know what's best for you. The tricky part is to commune with the heart, not with your fear. Fear has its own agenda.

I've done a few zoom meetup calls called: Dealing with Fear. I enjoyed those because, despite the same topic, the conversations oftentimes took us elsewhere. One day we saw fear's opposite in love, the next day it was in courage.

I still prefer courage.

I feel like love doesn't have an opposite. It's too strong, too illogical, too misunderstood, too encompassing of a word.

To me, the opposite of fear is courage. And I'm now trying real hard to embrace it.


I decided that I'd start my new work placement by Monday. On the last day of the career assessment, I was offered a new job. They were to place me on Sunday. Today, I got a call that they have a better client for me and I am to start on Monday instead. I'm thrilled to be useful again. Working in care is hard but gratifying.

Self-love and self-care are when you decide everything you wish to happen to happen. Just decide. When I feel worthy, I feel resolute that I deserve good things. I decided to create financial freedom by October 2021. Then I'm off to Tulum in Mexico. The universe is conspiring to make things happen.

My next post will be my integrity statement about the future. Until then, love yourself and say 'no' to toxicity!

Friday, February 26, 2021

Crying on the way to London = Better times are coming?

London Quarantine Day 3 (about to have my 4th night in)

Well, ever since I tested positive for Covid three weeks ago, hell - since I got my heart broken a month ago for the xx time, my days have been genuine trials in mental health and resilience. Keeping my spirits high while isolating has not gone smoothly. Yet, it's getting better and I'm up for this challenge. The key is to be grateful. I'm grateful to be here, to be alive, living in this body, having opportunities for earning, having amazing friends, and a strong connection with the Spirit.

It's been super challenging I won't lie. The illness, the lack of physical affection, minimal support on all levels, my anxiety, and the.. breakup... it was all hitting me hard. Can't say what caused what. Chicken or egg...

Somehow, as I was leaving the UK at the end of December, I knew that tough times lied ahead.

I kissed him goodbye on the platform in Leeds and said something about being generous with my gifts... ah, right, I told him to keep in touch and talk to me even if he feels low... he asked me not to charge him for it [as a coach]...

But he didn't do that. He's never done anything like that.

He would never reach out even if he couldn't walk and just crawl around...

It's painful to watch someone so aloof. I broke it off for I do need more affection. At least a message a day, and perhaps it's even more important if thousands of kilometers apart. Given his stubbornness and my neediness (?), the push and pull probably prompted him to make it a matter of principle not to text me often. Why is he punishing me with love withdrawal? Why do I want someone who doesn't even ask me how I am? If I can find an excuse for his lack of affectionate actions towards me, I won't find any for his unwillingness to help me with accommodation. That is hard to forgive, but I'm trying my best. The in-my-face fact that he's not gonna live with anyone anytime soon because he likes his space and - maybe projecting his ex-girlfriend 'trauma' on me, perhaps should have been the decisive factor alone. But no, I had to keep calling him even after letting myself miss the last January plane to the UK.... then it went downhill...

Or maybe not.

I love my space too. And I'd still like to build a life with someone by my side.... so... Gotta keep believing the right one is out there.

It's still very, very sad. And suddenly I'm feeling pathetic. If he's reading this, it must feel so satisfying to him. A girl still sobbing over him.

Whatever. I cried the whoooole flight from Prague to London on Tuesday. As I was downing the small rose bottle(s), I kept wondering what the hell was wrong with me, what was really going on? The answer surprised me. I didn't want to be there. There on the plane to the UK. 

It shocked me that I was either not up for this new adventure, or just scared shitless of it.

I had to buy a special covid-package for 200 GBP 10 mins before the gate closed... and I felt like crying already there and then. I felt so sorry for the money that it cost me to delay my flights, stay in Prague, and get all these private tests... yes, I could blame him. And I did at my darkest hours... But really, the only emotional person who decided not to get on a flight because a boy asked her a question - But where will you stay? mere 4 days before departure, yeah, the only emotional person acting in effect was me. 

I should have just gone and sorted myself out. The same thing that I'm doing now 2 months later. And a few thousand GBP lighter :/

Yes, that part of me that was crying on the plane was either at peace with the fact that I am about to meet many new men and the reality of it still hasn't sinked in, or it wished to stay in Prague as the city finally started to feel familiar. Or it felt sad that despite landing a job around the corner from him, I would never see him again. I don't know!

I remember how much I cried after moving in with my first proper boyfriend years ago. I wanted to be there and I didn't want to be there either. It was unfamiliar, scary and I felt unprepared. I moved into the guest bedroom and collapsed crying, wishing for someone, in fact, my mum, to tell me what to do. It turned into the best 18 months of my life.

So that's how I felt on my way to England... Please, tell me what to do now. After things fell apart, things appear to come back together again. But it's different. It's different because I'm alone, I'm sorting my shit out, I'm willing to do the work, and I'm also massively up for some fun when the isolation's over. I know what I want now and I believe that great lovers can be found easily. No frog kissing, just the real deal this time.

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

It just stopped being funny

I have a friend who's been so hung up on this guy, despite him treating her like shit. So one day I told her, enough is enough. How long are you willing to live in those ghostlands? Colette Baron Reid says: The past is a nostalgic place, we might wish to revisit some beautiful memories, yet we can't live there. The future has no substance yet, we can't live there either. The present moment is our life, we must create from right here right now. 

When I gave my friend an oracle card reading, everything pointed out how ungrounded she is. Her cards indicated that she must stay present and get on with all the mundane tasks rather than flying around with scattered thoughts too focused on the 'bigger picture'. What's the bigger picture good for if we overlook the important details of the fine print? My friend got a big slap to wake up to the truth.

Sometimes we create excuses for the ones we love. We say, well, they're just like that, it's adorable sometimes. And what about the other times when you need them mature and put together? Will they be there for you? They will not change because it's who they are. If you keep settling for the second-best, you'll never end up living up to your highest potential either.

I have a client who came for energy healing this morning (My Covid quarantine just finished and I feel great). We discussed her marriage and the ways she excuses her husband, and ultimately, herself from bad moods. If the other person doesn't vibe at high frequency, it sure isn't your job to lift them up but - as you lift yourself up, they should be willing to match that; because they want to be happy and want to make you happy. If you're both stuck on not giving and not receiving love, there are only 2 solutions. You may expand, see beyond what's visible right now, sense what seems impossible, and hope for the best while you both move in separate directions in gratitude... Or, the other option, you start vibing high together. You start receiving where you didn't allow yourself to receive, and you give generously, not expecting anything in return. If the two can find a common ground, brush up on common interests, find the same sense of humor and - start making physical love again, I believe that the relationship can be resurrected. In any case, we can't create a desirable solution while engulfed in the problem and in the mindset that created it.

Am I saying that renewed chemistry and sex are the remedies for toxic relationships? No, I'm not. I'm saying that if the two have a healthy bond, were once in love, and enjoyed physical pleasure (e.g. before kids), sex can most likely bring some healing into the stalling relationship. But if there's never been a real connection before, expand now! Trust and move on. Don't think that sex will save you.

Likewise, if you've tried everything to make it work between you and another, including sex, yet there seem to be more glitches than there is fun... stop digging for pleasure where there's overwhelming pain. You'll burn yourself. Is he really that amazing? Ask yourself honestly. Is he really such a treasure that you couldn't live without that glimmer? Not all that glitters is gold.

Hand on the heart, is this worth losing more sleep over? If you doubt that it is, hell, if you know deep down that there are better, more suitable, more feel-good, and more mature treasures to discover, just pack your bags already and go. You might have a certain type you usually go for. Fine. But maybe it's time to open your eyes to the unknown and see farther. Stay curious and believe. If you're not getting what makes your heart skip a beat, trust me, there is something else for you. Expand beyond what you believe is possible now. We create our own reality. If this has lost its spark, it's not funny anymore, it's time to start creating your best kinda fun now. You might not see results immediately, but you'll start feeling better IMMEDIATELY. And that's the best indicator of lessons learned well.

Photo @Alex Iby

Thursday, January 28, 2021

The Beauty of Breakups

In any relationship, healthy or unhealthy one, we have to realize that we act as each other's mirrors.

What am I showing to you about you? What shadows of yours am I reflecting back on you?

Yes, I feared committing, but I wanted to. Maybe for the first time in my life, I wanted to commit to a place and to a person. I felt his doubts about us. I questioned my own insecurities triggered by the lack of permanence in his life. Not a safe environment... When I absorbed it all in, my doubtful energy would bring out his non-committal side too. He'd look at my life so far, always one foot in, one foot out, ready to run, he'd doubt the permanency of us. The fear of yet another hurt would make him withdraw, and therefore, never commit.

It was the most fascinating and critical relationship I've had since 2009, and perhaps because of it, the [final] breakup was the most beautiful breakup too. This time, I didn't throw a temper tantrum coz' he didn't care enough, nor pushed him out of my life abruptly. I needed to hear him out first. His fully-expressed doubts, at last, created a safe space for mutual closure. Any of the previous breaks of ours didn't last long. Love and attraction were stronger than the need to self-preserve. But last night wasn't about self-preservation. It was a selfless, mutual nudge in perspective right directions, designed to help each other heal.

One month ago, I didn't want to keep apart for long. I couldn't, I was attached. My flight got cancelled and I thought it was a sign that Chris was worth my staying in the UK longer... maybe forever.

Yet he felt it was good for me to get a new ticket and go back home before the start of my new job.

However, he didn't want me to be a carer and didn't want me around either. Not before I'd find something else. My credit card wasn't working despite having money in the account - was it my unconscious mind trying to delay the inevitable? He even offered to pay for the flight. That's how badly he wanted to be left alone. I cried that weekend, somewhere deep down recognising that it was the last time we were together.

We were each other's opposites, but I dare to say that we had the same values. We both wanted a family - a more connected one than our biological families, we were both world travellers but quite decided to stay and commit to one place rather than endlessly moving around and starting from 0 repeatedly. We were both loyal to one another and truthful. I think that we valued transparency and respect over anything else. I wouldn't do anything disrespectful behind his back. In fact, he was the only man I've ever been completely faithful to and I planned to stay so until we'd both agreed to some sex adventure together.

I wanted to live with him. At least to try.

Last night we sat down in front of the little screens and chatted like two responsible adults. No blames were cast, just honest depictions of the recent events that we weren't handling too well. To stop fixing a relationship that wasn't working best in practice and not at all over a long distance was a mutual conclusion, and definitely a relief. There are other things we need to take care of first.

All that mental energy that he invested into overthinking how things could go wrong with us living together, could have been invested in imagining how things could go right with us. And that is the saddest part left unsaid and never to be tried and tested.

I guess we don’t have the mental capacity to deal with a budding relationship momentarily. With everything else going on in our lives and in the world out there, this romance brought additional stress.
It's a beautifully sad love story. 
A story that will help us heal our sh*t.

My cards on that morning:

The Spirit knows best.
- Colette Baron Reid

Thy will be done, through me.

Thank you.

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Celibacy and Healing - Yes or No?

I was asked to write something about celibacy. Especially, staying celibate while we're healing.

We are always healing. As long as life's happening, there will always be trigger points to shine a light on, obstacles to handle, physical ailments to treat, and emotional blocks to unblock. Does that mean that we shouldn't let another person near while we're dealing with this life of ours?

I'll let you answer it for yourself. 

In my world, healing never stops. I associate healing with self-improvement, personal growth, letting more love in, learning the balance between giving and receiving and having so much awareness that we no longer sabotage ourselves. Ideally, no circumstances can stop us from manifesting the life we'd love to live.

Celibacy is a whole another realm. I flirted with it in 2017. It's hard to flirt with celibacy though. You either go all-in, knowing your why and knowing what will be the sign for you to quit, or you better not torture yourself. Some people abstain from sex with gusto. They have a goal in mind - that's usually a healthy relationship as a reward of their strong will and devotion to themselves or to a chosen deity. I like that idea. I tried it. I admitted that I had not had a lucky strike for a few years and that the best thing would be to take a break from dating for a year.

Perhaps because I began celibacy while not a virgin anymore, my life felt very sexual even while celibate. I would still see clients for Tantric coaching, help them with their sexuality, I'd sex-text with my past lovers and even kiss some random lads if it felt right. I would not sleep with anyone. A few months into the year-long experiment, all kinds of shadows bubbled up, and I had to deal with more than just feelings of horniness. In my case, gaining awareness of unhealthy patterns that ruined my success in love was worth the wait. Nevertheless, the sexless year was agony!

Celibacy half-hearted is insincere and all the healing work that one could do while abstaining is half-arsed if there are still sexual undertones to everything you do and a lot of masturbating in between. Yes, orgasms are means to stress-release. Running towards physical pleasure is also the perfect way to avoid feeling the inner void. 

Does it mean we cannot grow/improve our lives if we're not celibate?

Absolutely not. The answer is this simple because nothing can prevent us from enlightenment if we don't let it.

But don't cover up what's not right in your life by too much physical stimulation, or any stimulation of the senses (Tv), and engulfing yourself in sexual pleasure. You're avoiding doing the inner work and gaining awareness of how you're sabotaging more sustainable happiness.

Sex with someone you love is amazing. I don't like celibacy. I hate when I am in a relationship and for some reason, like distance, I can't practise regular love-making with my man. But when I'm single, I prefer to stay celibate with moderate self-pleasuring and do the deeper healing work to make sure that the person who comes into my life next is the right one for my body, my mind, and my spirit too.

Thank God, I now know how to heal without abstaining from sex altogether...

Monday, January 18, 2021

What trauma leaving the body may look like

I have tender loving feelings for the man... Yet, I've split up with him 4 or 5 times since September (he's counting). 

Now, you may think, what a frickin wimpy kid solving conflicts using such radical measures!

While I don't mean to defend my innocence, I'd like to write why I'm 100 % convinced that what's happening is a process of the body trying to reach equilibrium.

My relationship with T. (right, Chris is a made-up name) is very physical. It can get super-passionate (a few times a day on the weekends), and while it's something I always sought and I enjoy at the moment, my body gets confused later.

So you resort to a hasty breakup? Bear with me.

He's not exactly an affectionate romantic. Since pleasure and pain are so closely linked together in the world I've lived in, it seems that I cannot be with either sensation individually. It's a tricky matter I'm trying to heal. I'm choosing to embody pleasure and learn from past pain to create a different destiny. 

Maybe all the bad sexual experiences that I endured in the past are a blur... but their energetic imprint stayed stuck in/around the physical body... I believed that I cut some cords and released the faint memories from the body-memory... yet, I was in for a surprise. Yesterday I did yoga (first time in ages) and myofascial release at home. I stayed in the pigeon pose for some time, worked on opening my hips, and I stretched my legs so I could do a split again in a few weeks if persistent. Damn, everything crawled under my skin! It was the most unpleasant feeling, I felt so disconnected - did I willingly joined a torture club and the first lesson was in masochism? I clenched my teeth and didn't feel like being there; I wanted to disassociate from my body in order to stop the pain. Lying on the back, my left arm still extended, holding onto the foot of my left leg spread out to the side... I observed pain in the whole limb and also in both hips... Was I voluntarily offering my body for abuse? Specifically, sexual abuse. The whole pelvis area felt constricted, my pussy closed, wrapped in an aura of dread... I tried to stay with that anxious energy and let my irritation find a breakthrough and transform... It didn't happen. So I released the grip. I massaged my groins and let a few tears escape my eyes. What the hell was that?

The first time I sensed my body's irritability, tension, and a sense of stuck psychosomatic trauma was during a 10 days silent Vipassana meditation course in 2019. 

Every morning we would sit down on a meditation cushion, and except for toilet and meal breaks, we would stay there to meditate for 10 hours. No eye contact was permitted, no words, no other activities (including reading) either. By day 4, I've had enough! I began perspiring on my cushion, fidgeting, scratching myself; I felt so uncomfortable inside out, I wanted to jump out of my skin, and with the whole room being so quiet, everyone with their closed eyes deep into it, my irritation grew. I craved to scream and shout, to fuck, and then get the fuck out. I did neither. I did what I was instructed on the first day. 

Sit with the feeling. Invite it, let it be do not need to despise it nor love it. And then it happened... I crumbled. Huge sobs escaped my trembling body, and that one tissue I had handy became soaked in a minute. I don't remember how long I sat there crying, but just before the hour was up, I reached a strange sense of tranquillity. Something has left my body. I didn't need to know what or how. It did, and I felt relieved. The whole Vipassana experience changed since that moment. The remaining days were spent in peace.

Hopefully, I don't need another retreat to stop self-sabotage because I found the culprit to watch out for and along with it the cure.

The body keeps a score (the title of an excellent book, by the way). Why? After a painful event long gone, why do we still feel like an impending tragedy is just around the corner?

The answer is biological and to me, energetical too. I will not overwhelm you with the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems, but my natural response to perceived danger is flight. I scan my brain for predictable outcomes and run. The mind is trying to protect us from similar harm... filing traumatic events under threats to our wellbeing, and something to avoid. The body remembers very well how that felt... it does not want to feel that way again.

You see, soon after a properly intense love-making session with T... I go into a self-preserving mode. I might be shaken by the intensity of the climax or by the fact that I actually do it with someone I love and who loves me, and at the same time, I am searching the files in my unconscious mind for any evidence that this shakiness could be dangerous to my wellbeing. I've had sex before, I also experienced 'accidental orgasms' while not being in love with that person, hell, I’d not choose them again from an empowered attitude in a million years... yet, the body responded anyway. It's natural to feel aroused when all the right spots are being stimulated. After relaxation comes a thought: I must keep my guard up.

My only logical explanation of my consistent efforts to end what I'm experiencing with T. is that I desperately seek the comfort of knowing how to label and file this new experience in my life. When I cannot make sense of it, get confused and want to run, I seek the familiar. Sometimes familiar doesn't mean 'better'. I need to know who I am in my own body without someone ‘invading it’. And I can feel that invasion even weeks later. I feel conflicted between wanting to run away from pain/pleasure towards pleasure/pain, whichever is more familiar, while still not recognizing which is which (and what's better for me). The sexual experience feels natural, the person feels different, the feelings are heightened, and the premise of love quite real. On top of it, when we both descend back to the earth, the energy is in homeostasis, I perceive his withdrawal along with all the freedom he gives me as rejection. I struggle with that the most.

How can we self-help?

The good news is that if the traumatic events of the past passed, we're free now. So let the body know that it is safe. Self-soothe. Breathe. Relax. Eat well. Have a bath. Let's not focus on the why, why we feel this tight. Let's focus on the hows, the solution to feeling more of the good stuff. Stay present, understand that healing trauma is not pretty at first, but numbness is worse.

The only way out is through.

Remember that no person and no activity is the same even though you've been there done that thousand times before. 

Frankly, my body has been through so much trauma with men that I lost count of how many times I've wriggled myself out of a safe embrace. Would you recognize genuine love if it was right in your face? I bow down to you!

I'm loving this new experience even though it drives me nuts sometimes. I shall welcome it.

Don’t run away from perceived pain. Let’s try to heal it. Using EFT is one of the methods.

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

I'm single and I know it... lalalalala

Maybe I should call both of my blogs BreakUp blogs?

Instead of asking why do I keep attracting the SAME type of men, I'll answer myself in this paragraph. My deep calling is to heal people and lead them out of the darkness. If I search for the word: depressed in Whatsapp, I get offered message threads from my Australian ex and one message from my current British 'ex'. I know how challenging it can be for men to admit that they feel/felt depressed. Perhaps we all feel that way at some point in life. But we must use the readily available tools to pull ourselves out. Let's say, why won't we stop drinking so much, start eating healthily, go outside in nature, AND - this is the other common theme of my exes - seek human connections! Learn how to communicate and stay fairly social even during a global pandemic (I mean - reach out to your old friends, make new friends - even if only online, look where you can be of service). What's happening right now can be considered a good excuse for those men who have already been a little socially awkward to completely isolate themselves and stay with their negative thoughts and depressive feelings alone in their mancave. I explain my pattern in this way: Until I make healing - inspiring people to heal and transform - my full-time career, I'll forever keep attracting wounded underdogs just so I have something to do.

I've written a lot about my heartbreak from 2016 and the healing journey in Australia here:

It is a good blog. Sadly, I haven't advertised it enough. It could have helped many people with a broken heart; it's raw, entertaining, insightful...

In 2020 I found someone more stable, more intelligent, and apparently more faithful too... But in the end, it was all the same shit. (The Aussie wanted to live with me though)

He knew that working as a carer wasn't for me. But he also became too comfortable living alone. I get that. I love staying in my own energy and sleeping alone. But I also love the feeling when you come back to a warm place where someone's home (like that time with my sis. The first month was torture, then we made some compromises and created a new rhythm that suited both)

Well, just another guy whom I imagined marrying and having children with! ... If only I knew that he wasn't ready.. ehm, I kinda knew. Did I unconsciously hope I'd change him - heal him? Yes. Guilty again.

Everything about him and his life screamed: Run! But I went ahead with the experience, fell in love, and became emotionally attached.

He successfully retracted from every long-term commitment, and altruistic wasn't his middle name. When someone tells you they're selfish, believe them.

Obviously, he doesn't know me well if he thinks I'd smother him if we lived together. Maybe he should ask my best friends E. and O. what's my idea of co-living or if I appreciate my space and privacy... if he didn't hear it from me.

It wasn't time wasted. I view it as a 4-month long interactive course in nailing the last bits and pieces of my ideal relationship. Now the list is complete. Along with the ideal attributes of my future husband and father of our child - I also learned my own shortcomings.

I learned that if I push a man to the edge of his sanity, yet he comes back, it's painful for both. On top of it, his comeback means nothing so better not test a man like that anymore (too often) unless I make sure that his return is welcome. Hm, his return back to me was always welcome, but "Toxic is if they can't let you go, but can't treat you right either" (Anon)

I learned that if he's persistent in his efforts to pursue me, I shall question his motives too. Is he serious about me or - he doesn't have anyone else to hang out with? (spoiler alert-it's the latter) AND - does he treat sex as the remedy for depression, the extra energy that he - during this pandemic- has no other outlet for, am I his indoor entertainment for the lack of outdoor entertainment? Was his eagerness to keep meeting up and use me for sex a reflection of his refusal to introspect and fill the void with more permanent nourishment?

I learned that in any relationship, one must set boundaries. Those who know me would tell you that I don't have a problem with assertiveness. No. But I have a boundaries problem when it comes to honoring my need to sleep alone and spend more time in silence. And then there's the sex issue, when I just want to keep fucking, making myself feel better by making him feel better, and losing myself in the relationship to please and avoid my deeper needs.

I learned that even if he's handsome, it doesn't really add a lot to my already beautiful world.

That being said, I know that there was a lot of good stuff too. I learned that a man who's not easily offended is the only man who stands a chance to last next to me. I loved his humor, how he wasn't taking himself seriously, and I loved his brilliant, imaginative mind and insight. There were glimpses of his hard heart softening, which felt beautiful. Sometimes, I thought that he actually knew me well. Now I believe it was probably something I wished to see rather than what it was in reality.

He said that if we lived together, I must have something to do during the day to not always be in the flat while he's working from home. That's something to respect and despise too. Who the hell did he think I was?? A baby?

What I cannot comprehend is #1. that after all that time, he still thought that I'd accidentally get stuck "with no job, no money". Is that how little he believed in me? #2. that he wouldn't offer his place "indefinitely". Because of my generous nature, wanting to help people, and my history of dating generous men - I just could not comprehend what was all that indefinitely-stuck shit about.

Do you want to build a life with me? If yes, then I hope that it is for indefinitely. We're stuck together, in love, co-creating, and having satisfying sex forever. If the answer is no, well then, get the fuck out of my life now.

So he did.