The sofa warrior... yes or no?

There is no virtue in suffering.... not sure who said that first, but it for sure wasn't Joan of Arc. 

In fact, no warrior of the past could have said that... Fighting was virtuous, yet it certainly meant suffering.

Right now we all suffer. Whether we're going along with the narrative, and watch how this v8rus overtook our lives, or we sit put, not comply but lament at the world from our couch, or we embrace the above saying and think that if we escape the first world madness and move to a freer developing country we won't suffer anymore. We do and we will until the world unites and we strive for freedom together. Better freedom than ever before. The freedom to live sovereign, gather, travel, work at any job, and not feel afraid for our children to roam the streets at night. 

There are many, many unvaxxed people in the UK alone sitting put... thinking that this is how we fight this battle against the 'invisible' enemy... Yes, this is a war that started so inconspicuously, cunningly, using technology and emotional blackmailing...People who have not been following any conspiracies don't know what's next and can't possibly point a finger in the right direction, none of us can anyway, that's my opinion. 

Some of the more optimistic conspiracy theorists believe that there are 'good guys' out there, said to be the military, who have been fighting this battle for us in the background. They go as far as saying that at the moment what we see in the media is just a pantomime, that there were executions of the 'bad guys' a long time ago, and now the focus is to uncover the pedophile rings, and we're nearly there. The media apparently plays it along until the end for the sheeple so they wake up...

Seriously?

While that sounds very nice, if you ask me, the idea of some good guys fighting this battle for us in the background, getting rid of all evil, pedophilia, corruption, and global dishonesty is honestly pretty great!

I agree that sometimes there are no visible miracles, there is certainly not a visible God, yet good energy exists, and the potential for goodness is immeasurable. I don't wanna be the type who's adamant about "I'll believe it when I see it." I rather resonate with Wayne Dyer's philosophy: "You'll see it when you believe it."

So I'm proposing to not completely dismiss this fairytale idea of war nearly won (whether you've been quietly sitting on your butt at home or out there fighting with your spoken word, or with machine guns, somehow the madness came to a halt)... it is a nice idea after all. 

Realistically, we do not have all the information. There are too many conflicting sources. Even people on 'my side' of the story, in short - this is a global agenda for depopulation, have different theories on how this has been panning out. Some believe that the notion of the military executing all bad guys and fighting for us so we may soon enter a biblical world... is well, too good to be true. Perhaps it leaked into the public for a reason to make us all more complacent. Stay put. Stay complaining from the sofa, not fighting this battle by creating our own heaven on earth - now. Not waiting for Jesus or the military saviors to save us, but living now.

My move to Mexico still makes sense. Yes, I miss home in his arms, and I miss my sister laughing at my sarcastic jokes across the table... But I firmly believe that we'll meet again.

The world will unite, with or without finally seeing who and what, or finger-pointing at this momentarily-invisible enemy.

But we have to come together, there's no doubt. No matter where in the world you are right now - fight for your freedom - to live, to gather, open a business, speak freely, and travel as if you'd want to embrace the whole world. Fight with your word and your non-compliance. That's what my heart has been whispering to me. Why wait for some elusive good guys and a biblical ending?  We all could be examples of freedom, good health that's preventing diseases, and loving collaboration. Now.

Yet, at this point, I don't know which idea sounds more naive.

Facing my fear of abandonment, embracing the freedom to be me again, single, not alone.

And just like that... it was over. On my Christmas Eve, his Christmas Day. The necessary deed was done with love and respect intact.

When I hung up his drunker call at 10 pm Mexico time, 3 am UK time, I felt so cross with myself. Again, I wasn't able to voice my truth out loud... I don't wanna imply that he is manipulative with me, he simply knows how to wrap me around his finger and keep me emotionally hooked. I don't like being co-dependent. 

Now or never. I felt invincible after a great dance in my living room, it's my anti-anxiety movement medicine. I rediscover my power, night after night whenever I stick to this practice. 

So I called back and made it a peaceful goodbye. I need to stay single for a while.

I've not felt quite single/free this year. At first, I was a slave to a painful heartbreak, and then I entered a quiet healing mode. Nevertheless, the coupla months before meeting him was a successful period, but it was short. I'm not beating myself up for getting into a rebound. It was necessary.

No heart broke this time around. We're friends, have always been soulmates; physical separation and the decision to not keep perpetuating a long-distance relationship can't break us.

I have different priorities now, and therefore I'm unable and unwilling to keep tight romantic ties over the phone.

Above all, I accepted that my mind is too naughty for this type of dynamic. He would never understand that because he's disciplined, an all-or-nothing kinda man. I admire that, I love that. However, I don't know anymore who I am without him interfering. I think I'd like to enjoy a little more space for color beyond his black-and-white thinking. I need a little more freedom than this at this time.

Full moon meditations and clearing of past relationship trauma

Do not ask anyone for permission to be yourself.

Before ending my hour-long meditation of three 20-minutes increments, I felt like texting my sister: Thank you that I can always be myself in front of you 🙏

Now that I feel heavily meditated, I know that I need permission from no one. Self-acceptance comes from me, while self-love actually springs from God and flows through me... let me explain.

My meditation strangely brought upon the theme of love and my past romance. I realized that I'd been chasing love within my family circle, friendships, relationships, and pseudo-relationships. Yes, we must give love to ourselves first. But where does that love originate? Can't be from us alone. During my meditation I realized is that the only pure unconditional love, that we so desperately want from other people, can only come from God... tiny tears trickled down my face. Instantly, I felt touched by his/her love - the love that fuels my self-love. While sitting on my meditation cushion, I felt guarded and safe in a godly embrace. That fatherly/motherly love I seek in human embrace is more accessible than I knew. No one else will give it to me. That role is for God only. When I connect to him/the spirit, I feel loved, therefore, I can radiate love and also help others heal... I asked my guides to stay near so I could keep working with them. Even a healer needs a power source!

The mind-chatter lessened...yet, there was another aspect to love...

Suddenly, I remembered the good and bad times with my previous lover, a Yorkshire lad, who made me laugh, opened up to me slowly, telling me "I think I love you" after 3 months of dating, then I recalled our separation for reasons too muddled up for me to pinpoint them. maybe it was the lack of patience to grow with one another, not trusting the other to mature up, commit... so nothing happened. The trust just wasn't there on both sides. Falling in love with one another's potential and falling out of love because of fear? I don't know. I was in so much pain because of it - of not knowing what exactly happened - How did I fuck it up? was all I could conceive of. He had no problem with my colorful, sexual past whatsoever. Yet, he couldn't accept my unstable feminine nature and my sabotaging self-perseverance, possibly based on unconscious fear of love.

Nevertheless, ever since that encounter I was working hard on becoming less afraid of love, a more stable, responsible, committed, and mature person... then finally falling in love with someone just like that 6 months later. A loving, mature, committed, stable, and responsible gentleman. He accepted my crazy feminine, nomadic, adventurous, flexible, and spiritual side, except for my promiscuous past.

I was sitting with my feelings, aware of having done lots of healing surrounding that breakup, yet not quite done with accepting myself fully. Otherwise, I wouldn't have attracted someone new who didn't accept all of me AGAIN. Other people are our mirrors.

I pulled out two oracle cards to interpret later.

I felt guided to place my hand on my root chakra... Cool, one oracle card said - No place like home...so let's come home to myself. Obviously, self-acceptance must be rooted in something else than the ability to forge satisfying relationships... During the second part of my meditation when all these past feelings of non-acceptance came flooding over me, I broke down. Many, many tears flooded my face this time. If self-love comes from God, in fact, self-acceptance must come from me...

As I cried for no specific reason, I knew that the only way to heal was to stick with the process... I don't know how long I cried for, but when the timer set off, I wasn't done yet.

It's important to not keep rushing these emotions to the end. They explode because we've kept suppressing them for so long. We don't have to name the pain nor identify with it. Just breathe through it. Soon enough I felt waves of relief. I deepened my breathing, tried to ground myself... and knew that something mega essential had just taken place...

In the last 10-15 minutes I finally meditated with an emptier mind and peaceful heart... The ceiling fan dried up my face, and I experienced home within. The cards confirmed that authenticity, believing in having my place in the world, and trusting the spirit are all I need to keep going.

My mental, emotional and physical health has never been better thanks to these practices of chakra healing and daily connecting with my guides. I'm so glad that I'm never alone and that the greater love I used to seek outside of me is only a meditation away.

P.S: A couple of days later I remembered another breakup. Sure enough, the theme of this full moon in Gemini was revisiting past loves... and Venus now goes to retrograde!

In 2015, I was cheated on, for the first time and the last time. We were in a long-distance relationship and he knew nothing better than to spread his seed in my absence as he's been accustomed to doing, and possibly because he didn't process his Brazilian ex's cheating in the past as well. In 2021 I've forgiven fully, completely, with love, compassion, and gratitude. I've had 6 years of superficial forgiveness, denial of trauma, and also an unconscious fear of having that happen to me again. No more. Clean slate. 

Thank you, full moon in Gemini of 19.12.2021!

Living in abundance

 

Abundance is a mindset of wholeness. Even if you're financially not too well off, when you feel whole, your physical world eventually catches up with your rich spiritual world. If you feel abundant first, you notice that your life actually IS very abundant - healthy, fun, filled with people, things, and opportunities that make you feel good. Some people might have been born into material abundance - but can they see it? Can they see how fortunate their circumstances are? Some people can't. Thus, they feel miserable, forever complain, and their life feels strangely empty - even while surrounded by plenitude!

For me, abundance is not just what we can see in the physical world. What we cannot see - yet we can feel - is that spiritual richness that gives our life a touch of magic. Not everyone has such a rich imagination!

💫Lastly, abundance is freedom of choice. Abundance is when we say 'no' to a shit deal because we know we deserve better. Abundance is choosing our work projects from a place of expansion; it's choosing our partners from a place of self-respect, self-love, and gratitude; it's faith that what is for us will never just pass us by. Abundance knows that even if the physical evidence doesn't live up to the expectation,  there's always more where that 'little' came from.💫

Choose from a place of abundance rather than a place of lack. Make all your decisions be founded on the belief in unlimited health, wealth, and love. Visualize it! See what happens. Miracles are real.

The art of handling rejection

Rejection sucks, doesn't it? I don't know a single person who loves it but I do know someone who's been through so many that they supposedly no longer affect him. Is that the place we all wanna reach? Or is there more to handling rejection than simply becoming immune to it?
I found that I'm, for one, not very good at 'rejecting'. Saying no to somebody or something can be difficult for me. I don't want to hurt people! Yet, if we struggle with giving rejection, we most likely struggle with receiving it too. I suspect that handling rejection well comes down to mastering 2 things.

1. Boundaries. We must have a healthy sense of where ours end and others' begin. We all have some boundaries, most people wouldn't let themselves be controlled willingly, unless coerced, of course. People have a basic survival instinct and therefore, need to make money. Ideally, while not selling their soul! Then we must assess: Are our boundaries healthy, pushy, or permeable - aka, when we're rejected - can we respect someone else's decision being about them without taking it personally? When we need to reject something, we mean to say "no" - do we say it? Or do we waver, say "maybe", or even "Yes, after all, it can be a good deal if I close both of my eyes..."
Clearly, we must get better at assertiveness for our own healthy sense of self!

2. Emotional vulnerability. Sometimes you just wanna help, you want to be available despite being busy; you feel like you need to save someone, and - a big one for me - not have them feel bad. I feel bad myself if I have to reject someone's effort to sell me something. I admire salesy people! A skill that I don't have. I dislike offending someone with my rejection of their efforts. If I see the desperation in their eyes, I'm prompted to say "yes" to save the day. If I go to a shop filled with junk yet somehow I end up spending a long time there staring at the stuff... I most likely end up buying something just to: not look bad, cheap, time-waster, poor (not the same as cheap), or weird.
It is never about them - it's about us and our needs!
I realized that we have to forget what anybody else thinks.

Choosing accommodation - such an important thing wherever you are - can be comparable to choosing a partner for a relationship!
Last week in Mexico, after seeing so many atrocious apartments to rent, I saw one acceptable, and I was like - it's a deal! bring it on, I take it, I love it, with dollar bills in my eyes... It wasn't love at first sight, but I was tired of flat-hunting and I needed to save money (so I thought). It was located 5 mins walk from the beach. The only plus. Two days after moving in, I can see it's a little dump right on a mega noisy street where people spit right outside of your door, it gets overheated inside, while the a/c doesn't quite do its job (plus it costs extra!).

Dating. After all the horrid dates from Bumble, when your first guy was way shorter than his online profile said, the other posted photos from 10 years ago, and some didn't even bother to show up, you finally get to meet someone interesting and entertaining, and before you know it, you imagine having babies with him.
The next day you take the rosy glasses off to see that you signed up for  Shreck with a soul of a dark, damp basement with no windows. Voila! Flat-hunting is scarily similar to man-hunting.

Pull yourself together before you do either! And have patience.
It's our birthright to choose what's best for us at any given moment.

Rejecting silently. 

Last weekend, I met up with a like-minded person for a drink. I don't know what he considered 'a drink' a code for, but after re-traumatizing myself with all the Friday night clubbing noise, I excused myself. It was only 9pm, but grandmother needed to go to bed. I wanted to walk home alone.
I haven't heard from him for a week.
Normally, a guy, any chivalry man, would have texted you: Did you get home alright?
Well, anyway, my man would, this guy didn't. I text this sentence to my female friends after letting them go home alone at night - every fuckin' time.
Rejection can come indirectly - my leaving home early, alone, not being interested in him in a romantic way was possibly obvious without words. Not voicing it out loud - silent rejection, it's still something we have to deal with if we had different plans.

Voicing it without caution.

One time in Dubai, on a "blind date", I said it out loud. Not interested. In a public nightclub surrounded by people. Not interested. The guy went berserk. He shouted at me that I have no idea how powerful he is, and who do I think I was? He threatened me via messages later after I stormed out of the club: Your last night in Dubai...
Well, good to know, because if he was serious - he wouldn't have prepared me for something sinister to come!
(All was fine. Block and delete.)

Being rejected. I was also rejected. A number of times. Too many times for my liking - did it make me feel angry, lonely, isolated, like there was something wrong with me, did it make me run a private riot, binge on wine, overeat, starve, not sleep, not get out of bed, not exercise, overexercise, turn promiscuous, become celibate, hate my life, and change my life for the better? You guessed it. All of it and beyond.
No immunity here - not back then.

How do I deal with rejection these days? I anticipate it, and I avoid it. Both are equally crazy but smart! When my man doesn't pick up the phone, my inner 3-year-old kicks in. She's rageful, unloved, lost. But in a snap of a finger, I begin to manage it, soothe it.
I see it as a helpful challenge - besides, I shouldn't call him every time I feel needy, starved for love, hungry to connect. So I connect to LOVE first. I self-soothe, I am there for me before anybody else. I am the only constant in my life. 

And so I change my vibration, get on with my day, no matter how difficult and lonely, I embody the masculine principles he would have otherwise transmitted into my life via the phone line. The divine masculine and divine feminine are in all of us and always available to bring us wholeness, inclusion, self-love, and connection to divine love. 

Then when we eventually speak, I am integrated. I no longer sound needy, hurt, or ask for validation.
That's at the root of rejection anyway. Asking someone to meet our needs, asking for love, safety, and validation. It hurts if we're turned away... So how can you give all that to yourself now?

How I practice boundaries these days. With mistakes, and too late, but still.
I left a voicemail to my landlord: "I know I signed up for 3 months, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving this dirty, noisy dump the next month. Cheers."


Keep practicing handling rejection with grace!

Or ask me to help. x

Letting go / emotional self-regulation

On healing and letting go

My foot completely healed! In my previous blog post, I revealed that the pain could have been an old injury surrounded by many emotional triggers. I went deep into dissolving that emotionality, replaying the experience and forgiving. Myself, and the people who triggered me. Mostly myself. The foot was getting better but it wasn't complete until I LET GO OF BEING PERFECT.

I let go of being in the perfect physical shape, of the need to always be ahead when it came to the arts of healing and coaching, to forgive fast even though it still hurt, to always know the answer when it came to pain, physical ailments, or trapped emotions, to know the right thing to do, to exercise to lose weight, and starve myself to heal ... I let go. because if all the above actions were bulletproof - I, and so many others I know, would have been healed already. I took my days easy, I only cycled as not to put pressure on the inflamed, yet perfectly looking foot, I meditated and I ate - despite moving minimally.

Btw. Someone I respect(ed) got 'covid' and scared all his Facebook followers with his difficult journey of recovery. He fasted for 8 days all the while feeling shit, then he finally got hold of ivermectin, and 2 weeks in shared a post about feeling all over the place after taking the meds, but he's all healed. Surely, if fasting when we're sick was the answer, we all would be golden now. My take is - you have to support the body by giving it some nutrients, and some.

I said goodbye to the pain in my foot, and hello, common cold! The foot healed, but my body crashed regardless.

WTF? I thought I nailed the reasons behind the old injury coming back and that I'd stay on top of the game! but no... I was still doing something against my wellbeing.

Emotional self-regulation is a topic that I thought would be common sense to me. Anger is an example of an emotion that when unchecked, can cause both massive destructions on the outside and self-destruction on the inside. And I was fuckin' angry!!

Perhaps because I had a lot of spare time, my social media consumption got out of hand. I consumed all the bad world news, new lockdowns, non-sensical restrictions, everything that goes against my natural health protocols... All the photos of masked-up sheeple, I couldn't take it. One day I broke down and cried my eyeballs out. Why can't people see that we're in a psychological war? All the atrocities that have been happening throughout centuries - you think it stopped? Just like that, the people in power turned into angels with your best interests in mind? No. It's only more cunning now.

After the breakdown, my health went downhill. I met some nice awake people on the beach and realized that my body was with them but my mind was elsewhere. They had a good life and didn't care about the state of the world. Why can't I be just like them? I needed to get my emotions under check.

I won't bore you with my "cold story" (or mild flu, possibly convid if I got tested, but these conditions aren't contagious, it's a private business of the body!!!!!!) It got worse before it got better. Today I feel nearly back to 100%, probably 98 :) It's wonderful what copious amounts of vitamin C, zinc, sunshine on bare skin without UV protection, rest, good food, AND distancing from bad news can do. We can never fully separate from the rest of the world. It doesn't matter that I'm in Mexico and you're in dark, gray UK or wherever they imprisoned you - I still feel with you. That's why emotional regulation is key!

I healed from this flu because I understood how I brought it upon myself. I released my anger, replaced it with connection, sunshine, focus on what matters, and I welcomed the process of my body's reset. Travelling takes its toll, I'm on a different diet now, surrounded by different bacteria, and hey, back in the UK I had not slept properly for over a month. So, there you are.


If you need a little pick me up - don't be shy to contact me!


With love and wishes of good health,


Pavlina

Love and letting go

On Love and letting go

Some time ago, I said that long-distance relationships are hard, if not impossible and that I'd never ever consent to one.

Fast forward nearly 1 year, I still do not consent (to convid).

Seriously, I've never said to him - let's do it, but, being over 6000 km away from the man I love, who loves me, and being effortlessly loyal to one another - I guess that we're in one! This currently long-distance relationship has always felt timeless. He's decades older than me, has completely different life experiences than me, yet we met at around the same level.

I need a lot of freedom and novelty in my life, he doesn't. He loves his apartment of xx years, goes to the same pub at the same time for the past xx years, plus he's a committed dad to his grown daughters. He just needs a bit of spice and I can use some stability! It's been serving.

I don't have problems with commitments, on the contrary, I love them, they make my routines predictable. At the same time, there always needs to be an exit sign in sight for me to feel safe. Otherwise, I feel trapped and I project traumas, my own, possibly that of my lineage, and the entire legacy of being a woman. The feminine in all of us doesn't like even a slight perception of control. Take it or leave it.

He understands.

We've had so many power battles, and several misunderstandings of one another, that what actually brought us closer together was when we let each other go...

At first, while still in England, I toyed with the idea to find another masculine embrace to run into.... but I sat with my emotions instead. Jake taught me the power of commitment and loyalty like no one else. Unforcefuly, with love, while dealing with his own jealousy issues (unfounded when it comes to our relationship).

We let each other go, knowing we'd always have the door open for one another even if just as friends.

Love is a beautiful mystery!

Now comingling with people who are around my age, I can see that there's a reason why I never dated young flaky playboys. I hate them.

I've always sought true masculine givers who know how to protect and stick to their word. So hard to find these days. Jake's soul must be from a different century. I love our daily hour-long phone calls. I wouldn't trade them for any party!

If you need a little centering - don't be shy to contact me!


With love and good health wishes,


Pavlina

When a healer needs healing

In May 2020, I had a little scooter accident in Surat Thani, Thailand. I've had a coupla minor ones before as a passenger, but only one stupid one when driving myself alone, checking the bag between my legs, and smashing my left foot on the pole. It damn hurt. I kept driving and got myself to the destination with an elephant foot. I largely mended it with cold compress and balms, yet kept putting pressure on it either by walking or dancing like a lunatic.

A mere few days after the injury, I was stomping in my room like a madwoman despite the discomfort. The ankle and arch still played all colors of the rainbow. I was, in fact, real mad. A man who tried to mess with my head and bullshit me a week earlier decided to break my heart and call me about a new romantic interest... who happened to be my friend. There. I've never shared about this before simply because I brushed it off the table, I blocked him and blocked her, and never looked back. Clearly, I didn't heal the emotional experience surrounding my leaving of Koh Phangan, feeling lonely in Surat Thani, and the physical experience of injuring myself. The call was unnecessary. I was ready to forget about the brief fling anyway, but his words triggered my anger and rejection issues so much. I moved on, found a more aligned tribe in Koh Samui, but the damage has been done.

I continued dancing every day, dancing with my rejection and feelings of betrayal. I wasn't resting my foot at all. It healed... well, you could say so by the look of it.

Now, 1,5 years later the pain came back... I got off the plane in Cancun just about fine to take a walk to the beach site on zero sleep to try and adjust my biorhythm. I'm in a very different place physically and emotionally from the one in Thailand. First of all, I'm happily in love with the most responsible, committed, and loving man I know, who isn't physically next to me but calls me 2x a day, and who encourages the free spirit in me. Second, Cancun is not full of non-committal hippies, psychedelics, and 2-faced junkie friends. Except for natural tiredness, I had no physical ailments... until I pushed myself to walk too far... then I started to feel tremendous pain in my tights, shins, ankles... all the way down to my toes.

I got to bed early every night, hoping that the pain in my feet would disappear by the morning... Yesterday morning it became clear that the pain in my left foot is here to stay for a while. It was unbearable. Exactly the same throbbing pain I felt in May 2020, yet without the same rugged look. I spoke with my friend Hedda who is also here in Mexico. Her wisdom helped me remember the Thai incident.

I dropped down on the floor in my bungalow and started to pray for healing. It was time to use everything I learned about helping people heal on my own body. I started with tapping on meridians, talking about the pain I felt, about my anger, resistance, not letting go, being afraid to move forward... Tears trickled down my face, I realized that I was tired, overwhelmed, scared... probably lonely in my solo adventure away from the man who wouldn't join me because he was waiting for the 'scandemic' to blow up first. I then proceeded with Reiki energy healing. There was so much trapped heat, emotion, and energy in the sole of the foot! The throbbing was palpable.

While the aching didn't go away completely, it changed. I realized that I had to put in the effort to heal the emotional side of it too. Forgive them, forgive me, stay present in the now... and also, that I should bloody rest! yes, I came here to chase after my dreams, make coaching my full-time career, but it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to surrender and relax a little.

I felt the foot throbbing before drifting off to sleep. When I woke up the pain halved. I'm still aware of it, but I don't hate it, resist it or feel ashamed of it.

It's just there... I'll walk less in the next few days and give it the time it needs to fully heal. It's like going through the accident all over again. It's a little bizarre because the foot looks spotless and it is fully mobile. But every step hurts.

I'm sure that more personal breakthroughs are coming soon! Apparently, Tulum has a way of bringing every little shit up to the surface. Perfect.

x

All well in Mexico

It's very hard to concentrate knowing there's a giant cockroach glued to the wall behind my back, but - here's an authentic Mexican experience for you!

So I made it. A trip that I've been considering for nearly a year. I'm a healer and mentor, somewhere happy and free is where I belong. There should be a big spiritual hub in Tulum, and my heart is leading me there. A year and a half in England where I couldn't find like-minded people was tough. It's time to stop playing small, and practice what I preach.

The frickin roach... haven't seen them indoors since Asia. I'm serious, focusing is hard, and eating here feels disgusting! My fault for choosing this super cheap Airbnb. Anyway, a bus to Tulum in a few hours!

Back to how I reached Mexico. Have you ever thought - what the fuck am I doing here? Well, despite it being my dream, it inevitably crossed my mind as soon as I got ripped off at Cancun airport and whisked in a shabby stinky car to an Airbnb in the middle of nowhere. The driver drove like a maniac but so did everybody else on the road. After wrestling with the non-functioning seat belt for several minutes, I gave up. I surrendered to the process of landing in a developing country. I'm not in the conservative UK anymore and no rules apply here. Isn't it precisely why I'm here? I decided to trust unconditionally. I played all my cards right and got this far, the universe must be on my side. I am safe.

I was so close to scrambling all my moneys and moving over here already in January. I felt a sense of doom and gloom when I returned to the UK (3x this year). Was it a mistake? I don't think so, nothing in life is a mistake. I found gratifying work in care and then fell in love with an admirable man in June. I wouldn't have known how much kindness I'm capable of otherwise and wouldn't have experienced timeless love. It's still puzzling to me how 2 people who are from 2 completely different eras can come together and form a solid uncommon bond. Connect in love, passion and multiply their collective positive intentions. He's rooting for me. And he keeps doing it even from afar. He encouraged me to make this move. I know that this is a soulmate bond, and the commitment to work through any shit that comes up between us is the best lesson I got this year. 

I'm not a traditional woman and I'll always live my life on my terms. I'm all for compromises because that's how I grow. It must be with the right man. Jake is it, but whether as a lover or friend, I don't know. He's planning to visit me next year. And if not, life always finds a way to bring the right people together. I tried to analyze why it felt better to remove myself from his house, yet not quite from the relationship. We spoke every day on the phone since the split-up! Discussing everything and being there for one another when we felt shattered, lonely, or jealous. There were necessary boundaries to establish. I came to a conclusion that because you're in a relationship, it doesn't mean you have to live together and definitely not that you are each other's property. Meeting up with him only for lunches and lovemaking felt somewhat freeing and more authentically me. I get mega defensive when he's being possessive and I know that my reaction makes things worse. We're working through all that.

pavlinalioness.com should be up in a couple of days.

Stay tuned for more adventures in this new chapter!

I am human and I need to be loved...

 ... just like everybody else does... What a great tune from The Smiths!

I'm not sure why it's playing in my mind. Oh well, maybe I am. I had a beautiful date with my ex... but let's start from the beginning. I'm pleased to announce that I'm still feeling brave and I'm embracing a new version of myself that has been, nevertheless, peeking from around the corner for some time. I’m not a little girl anymore. If someone’s gonna make my life great, it’s gotta be me. Finally, I took a few important actions.

For starters, I began using my YouTube channel. It's at its humble amateur beginnings, but you'll find me using somatic therapies like dancing and tapping on meridians. Very few words are required, not to your benefit, but to mine. I need to slowly gain more confidence regarding my non-native English and unusual accent. That aside, I'm very proud of myself! The other equally pride-worthy action: I finished a self-help blueprint that I started working on in WeWork in Manchester. It is proofread and ready to go. I'm currently sweating over a sales page. The marketing part is proving a little more time-consuming and mind-boggling than I would have liked, but someone has got to do it! I believe I can turn it around and have fun with it.

Third, I moved into my new short job placement, caring for a man with Down Syndrome. And he is amazing. It took over a year to find a placement that I would be happy to commit to on a regular basis... despite this little victory, and realizing, again, that I can be a super-carer, I'm sticking to my higher plans. It's these higher goals that excite me and shake me, knowing that I will help myself and others much more than staying in a job that makes me burn out. Let alone the fact that I've been allowing my personal life to fly by past me. I'm too young to sacrifice on the account of caregiving work.  I'll share my progress in due time. 

And the last bold move is something that was very pivotal in discovering who I am and realizing that it's time to accept it. I love, and I can love unconditionally, and at the same time, I wanna be a free bird, not tied down, single is great, and perhaps, have a lover on the speed dial... I called Jake and we reconciled, as friends. We both agreed that we didn't wanna fall out with each other and that we still very much cared.

It was a no-brainer to call him. Well, at first I caught myself overthinking, but then, there was such a void in my heart, I missed him terribly, I ignored some of his latest messages so I thought that I'd let him know that despite everything, I did miss him. We've been seeing each other since, casually as... friendssss... wittttth... benefits, oops, it really would be impossible to not sleep with that handsome and extraordinary man. I know, I know, he does have certain "narcissistic defenses" (I diagnosed him based on several youtube videos), yet, he is a good man. I know he is and I've felt it even when his daughter bad-mouthed him to me. 

By the same token, I know better now to NEVER move into his house again, or worse, let him think he's my boyfriend (or I'm his girlfriend). Some things will never change, and I should always remember that he is a low-key functioning alcoholic, self-righteous, possessive, and lives with, quite probably, a fucked up daughter. A lot of the stuff she told me about her dad was so twisted. I don't know why she did it, but if it was to drive me away, then how lovely! I don't need that. My life is quite sweet without family dramas.

This type of ‘relationship’ is possible because: I could always separate my emotions from my sexuality, definitely a super-power!  

I don't recommend sleeping with your ex if he's done something downright nasty or you don't respect him anymore. But if you're both consensual adults who still hold a lot of respect and love for one another, why not go the distance if it comes naturally. Sometimes life's circumstances are far from ideal, it's as if the divine timing was off, or we're missing something....but the divine timing is never off, and we can always make the most of what we DO have now.

Good luck turning lemons into lemonade! x

Flipping the script

My friend Gina told me: "Don't let the environment control you. You control the environment. Flip the script. "

Yes, I am the master of my life; I never followed someone else's blueprint for life or the common narrative anyway. I created my destiny according to my personality, intuition, and aspirations. Admittedly, even that freedom-mindedness has always been underlined with slight anxiety and depression.

I've been coping fine since leaving Jake. Moments of grief would overwhelm me only late in the evening. I keep myself busy. I nearly called him last night, just to...don't know, hear his voice? Feel less anxious? Or get a confirmation that we're better off as friends? But then I started watching a brilliant video that accurately described the narcissistic man he is, and I changed my mind. It's here: https://youtu.be/TLM94DnKkQo

I nearly forgot that he even instructed me on what to wear and how to style my hair when we went out... Why have I ever thought that that was a man for me? I believe the trouble is that after Chris, I blamed myself for being too much in relationships, too avoidant, scared, and maybe not very submissive, so in this relationship, I tried to be the opposite of my authentic natural self, and it backfired. What am I? 15? 

It pays off to document everything on paper. I wrote down how emotionally unavailable Chris was, what he did and said, so now if I find myself missing him, I can remind myself! I still have a couple of diaries to get through, but I successfully burned (shredded) my journals from earlier years, and it felt so liberating. I can't believe all the disheartening stuff I journaled about since 9 years old. Domestic violence, drug abuse, and lots of self-loathing. For details, wait for my biography to come out at some point if I'll feel like re-living these dramas. I'll just divulge that my childhood loves were obviously innocent, oftentimes one-sided, my teenage years and early twenties held a lot of alcohol-filled sexapades, my late twenties focused on my independence, new power and showed my first real heartbreak, early thirties depicted several rubbish men. Up until last week, only a narcissist man was missing in my repertoire. Not anymore.

Moving on, I am so appreciative of this year I spent in England, having kind of settled up north, found one or two friends, and discovered that I could be a super carer. But having had the pleasure of going over my personal timeline in a nutshell again... it became clear that I can't suppress the force of nature that I am anymore. My life used to be fun! And I feel that in enjoying myself, surrounded by my spiritual soul-family, always following my own lead, and working for myself - I was actually helping a lot more people feel better than I've helped in this past year. Something's gotta give. If you've been following me for a while, you know the conclusion I came to and the decision I need to do to claim back my life, my pussy, my joy, and live again all turned on! No, I'm not gonna become a whore, but an inevitable move is happening soon. 

This time around I do have a vision. 

The only thing that separates us from living a better life, reaching for our dreams by demonstrating brave actions is our fear. And I vowed to never live in fear again.

Loving a narcissist

Thursday: I packed my bags in one-quick sweep. I remained dead serious when he run upstairs to see what I was doing. Tears started trickling down my face. My patience has run out. Okay, I’ve left him half-heartedly already a month ago, without drama, saying I was going to Czechia to clear my head. Then I made the mistake to interpret missing him as needing to come back to him and give us another chance. I thought, perhaps he wasn’t a gaslighting narcissist, a man twisting my words, disregarding my truth, and creating a reality I never wanted. Perhaps I was the crazy one, a messed up girl not knowing what and who is good for her.

I came back to the UK on Saturday night and from Sunday afternoon we haven’t done anything but argue. Consequently, he broke his back on Monday, drunken fall down the stairs, and things turned even gloomier. The hostility between him and his daughter also grew much more palpable. Was I blind to what was really going on between them? Is she the ungrateful bitch he has her for or is her resentment towards him actually just? I wished I could get to know her better.
Then there were new issues at his work and the never-ending rant against humanity. But I’ve always had plenty of excuses for his temper.

He thinks he’s superior, always correct, justly radical, an alpha male, a protector who cannot even run and wouldn’t hurt a fly, yet he can scream and shout and threaten. I began feeling re-traumatized by the low frequencies of anger, blame, and frustration that I knew so well from my own broken home.

Yet on Thursday night there he was, somewhat managing to mumble “I’m sorry”, stop me from zipping up the suitcase, hide it away, and say he’d bolt the door. Some lighthearted diffusing of the heavily loaded situation followed, it even got me laughing. I saw the lonely boy within him, the one damaged by his late bully father, the boy who came from nothing and never admitted to a single wound. 3 broken marriages and 2 messed up daughters (in their own words).

But what good is excusing someone’s behavior when they can never take responsibility for seeing to their side of the fault? After his "I’m sorry", which is very scarce, doesn't follow any new reaction… absolutely nothing changes.

It could have appeared that what set me off was his constant defensiveness of his nightly pub-going. His stance about being forever correct, and my opinions being always off. 

But what set me off was his unconsciousness. He continues to hide it behind quick temper, daily rants, drinking, pointless arguments, and a lack of self-inquiry. His blocked-up mind is what’s disappointing, in fact, it’s so disgusting it sets me off.

From Saturday, my suitcases and clothes laid sophistically on the bedroom floor and on the chair that it would always be easy to throw it all back in and go.
Since then it has been rubbish, nothing but fights, not listening to one another, defending our rights, plus very, very bad sex. Possibly due to his bad back and an aura of powerlessness about his work. Where was the alpha man he had me believe in?

I thought that my body began betraying me… but no, what happened was the biggest prophecy I’ve ever received. I experienced the most painful period I’ve not had in years. And as soon as it finished, that night when he stopped me from packing and going, the IBS fired off … and it went on for the whole weekend. I was desperate. I could not pinpoint the exact trigger. Except for underlying stress. The stress of being trapped in a home of a narcissist.

My friend Gina gave me a nice pep talk and said that I could always come to hers. Even then I was so afraid to leave him - I knew it would have to be final, wholehearted, with all my love intact. I was attached. He gave me a home. The familiar unstable home I had when I was growing up. Sadly, his presence no longer lit me up. Orgasms no longer roared throughout my body, in fact, I did not want him to more than hug me and give me a sense of safety again.

I was spending my days away from him and his wrath in a coworking place. His wrath towards work, his back, his family, and the sheeple. Even though I didn’t like his daily drinking, I could not notice that he was happier after he drank. He persistently tell me that 6 pints of beer every night, topped with a large glass of wine or gin and tonic is normal. He got irritated if I dared to say that I didn't think so. Anyway, despite my disapproval of his obvious addiction, I was glad that at least he was returning home as the happy drunk. Some nights we continued drinking together. Talk about a bad influence... After I cried a river on Thursday, we made up. 

Yet the next day nothing changed... I knew I had to get out. I didn't know how to approach Gina again.

Monday: I felt my heart in my throat, but I announced that I decided to go to Gina’s on Friday, before I start to work the week after. He wasn’t happy, urging me to save money for rent and food, telling me he loved me, we should be together and he'd look after me, but I guess that postponing my move seemed a good enough ‘compromise’. For now.

But things escalated that night. I shared with him something that happened in my coworking place, a very irrelevant banal thing to me, yet... I thought I'd never hear the end of it.

I knew that jealousy was another of his problems. Yet I fail to estimate how much of an impact my sharing can make on him.
Suddenly, I’m wrong, I'm a cheater for giving out my phone number (and telling him about it)
To my utter surprise, his daughter steps in and is on my side. She fights with his father on behalf of all women, to cut us some slack when we feel pushed to the corner to give out our real phone number.

In her words: we’re called bitches if we downright express that we’re not interested in someone, or their help, and women get murdered for acting like bitches...

He did not listen to her, surprise, surprise. As always, his rant sounded like a broken record playing only one point of view, his… no one else could chip in, or dare to think they're right. It was so sad and ridiculous to watch.

I run upstairs to console her. We ended up chatting properly for the very first time in 4 months.
It’s was so disheartening… because the things she told me only confirmed what I knew already.
Her father was a loser, narcissist, drunk, and more.

If something appears too good to be true, it is.

Only narcissists start from the top of the hill - aka I love you, I wanna marry you, help you with this and that, and then rapidly plummet, no more dining out, no more affection, supposed help, no compromises, forgiveness to faults, and in the end, they 'fire you', you are all wrong and crazy. (Inspired by a funny video on ticktock and - 💯 my experience.)

Tuesday (yesterday): I leave him for good. Not much drama, he sees the packed suitcases after he’s well slept, we fight, but we part with love, grace, and in peace.
In a hotel, away from him, I’m crying, missing him, shivering, I have no appetite, feel lost and so lonely, I long for his masculine embrace, for reassurance that everything will be alright… but deep down I know that if I last, stick to my truth, my boundaries, find my own aliveness again… I know that this drug withdrawal, too, shall pass.

Wednesday (today): I wake up after solid 10 hours of sleep... I feel free, healthier, perhaps even happy, my pussy tingles, and I know it's a very, very good sign... I am convinced that I'm not crazy, I'm a good person, I'm very stable and independent, in fact, I'm my very own best therapist.

I move to Gina's and get back to work in the coworking place. My book is nearly ready.

I stopped saying that I can't believe I had 2 breakups this year. I'm changing my self-deprecating talk to a more empowering one: 

This is my second chance at being single this year. A far happier one than the first.

I had to learn my lessons the hard way. I’m not the helpless little girl he’d love me to be, to look up to him, need his shit support, boost his ego to my detriment. But it could have been far worse. 

Reach out to me to summon the courage you need to leave where you don't belong. x

#selflove #breakup #narcissisticabuse #abandonmentrecovery #healing

Flat Earth

Just a very arbitrary update - realizing that the Earth just might be flat has produced feelings that I can only describe as immense groundedness and safety.

So there you are. I'm a totally convinced flat-earther now. 

My man mentioned it ages ago, and I turned my eyes upwards... like, what else is gonna come out of this crazy conspiracy theorist? But this morning, I came across the perfect videos, discussions, memes, what not... The Earth just might really be flat. Why haven't I opened the links he has sent me weeks ago? I've always been on his side when it came to the p(l)andemic and other stuff, but to question the ancient Greeks and Galileo? That was too much. On the other hand, I love him, trust him and hey, I knew about the corruption in media and everything, so... I replied nothing and put that info in the compartment of my mind that stored everything questionable. 

I did question his comment, albeit silently, because that's my nature. To question first, then either dismiss, accept, or research!... I was curious, I was open-minded.... then suddenly, the right sources found me, As they say, you can't be a prophet in your own 'family'! Right, I'm not looking forward to the discussions that will follow in my own family, once I reach the Czech Republic.

To speak, or to be quiet and agreeable?

Bye, bye, England!

Sometimes you're under the influence. Of someone else. 

You don't realize how much of what you're thinking and feeling comes from their overpowering character, ehm, from their manipulation? I'm not the one to not take responsibility for my actions. I understand how much my desire to have a home, stability, and a masculine giver to take the lead controlled me... But hell, how much I hate being controlled! I had a feeling that I was losing the sense of my real self but I didn't have the heart to break up with Jake. Instead, I fled to 'take a break' in another country... I thought I'd miss him but... nothing so far.

Last year I did something similar. However, not because I was losing my feelings towards Chris, it was the opposite. I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him, yet I felt unwanted. I went home to 'reset' and at the same time, I couldn't wait to be back in Chris's arms! Yes, I sabotaged it a few times, despite really wanting to be with him. No wonder we kinda wasted the momentum. 

This year, my decision could look like the same ol' story, but it feels very different. Jake was just a plaster on an already healing wound. That's why it only took 3 months to see it through.

What brought this budding relationship to the end was quite surprising. How come that I found someone who ticked nearly all of the boxes and I still wasn't happy? Because one of the boxes was taken for granted: Accepts my past, I can be fully myself around him. I knew it could be quite difficult to accept, given how old-fashioned Jake is, but I'm probably too open-minded to understand how could he not in the end...? So even though he got over it, supposedly, the comments wouldn't stop... do you think it's nice to be reminded that I'm not 'perfect', a saint?? In god's eyes I am quite alright, an angel still. After a small conflict where I'd be fighting for my freedom of self-expression, perhaps even approval of my secret trauma, we'd enter a harmonious period again. Then I'd utter something, jokingly... and there we'd go again. It just never stopped. Anything I mentioned that was outside of the scope of his belief - or empathy for that matter - was wrong. I could not help but start to feel increasingly insecure. Now, would you like to spend your life with someone who makes you think you're not good/innocent/correct enough? Who creates a sensitive spot based on your long-gone past, therefore, doesn't get your humor about it, which then causes you to walk on eggshells around the topic, and around him? I can't. I want to be accepted and be with someone who can see my experiences like I see them - in an empowering light, a blessing in disguise. 

I'm sorry but I can't shrink to make way for your feeling better about your own insecurities. I'm off for good. Jake looked like he could offer me what I wanted, but clearly, it isn't what I need. This short romance did serve a good purpose as a rebound... So well, here's my medicine. It made me appreciate Chris a lot and release any remaining grief. Anyway, all chapters are closed. We oughta leave when the purpose has been served and we know there are no more treasures to be discovered. Bye, bye England, you were ... fine, but not my cup of tea.

What a full moon in Pisces!

It was a rebound.

Being your own... yet thinking of re-vamping it.

A lot of good things began happening as soon as I embraced my shadows and started loving the unloved and shameful parts of myself. I adjusted my life to fit my personality - not the other way around. I never felt like I belonged and so it prompted me to go traveling and explore other cultures. My family home never felt like home, and eventually, we lost it, so I had nothing else and no home to lose since. My strikingly exotic appearance didn't go down too well in an uptight small town in the Czech Republic so I learned to hide - not to stand out, to find safety on the road, and live out of my suitcase... for over 2 decades. Is this type of 'adjustment' still the right fit for me? I think I changed. 

The price I'm paying for my freedom to be a gypsy is obvious now. I'm 34, I have half of my life in storage in the Czech Republic ( oh, one suitcase in Singapore) and the rest of my life is scattered here in England. Most of it is with Jake near Manchester. I'm resting a suitcase and half in a freezing cold hotel room in York... realizing that since I already travel with a water filter jug, all the dry protein mixes and superfoods for breakfast, teas, portable milk frother, yoga mat, and a core strengthening wheel, I might as well start traveling with a portable heater too.

I'm not complaining. I'm just assessing the situation and taking stock of what is still working and what has perhaps run its course.

Sure, I seemingly manifested a dream come true job. My work can send me all over the UK even amidst pandemic lockdowns, I get my travel paid for, then I'm staying with a patient in their home rent-free and get a food allowance too. The compensation is adequate for a stressful job with many responsibilities. I'm a good worker. I'm also too selfish to do this job for much longer... Where has my own vitality gone? My own exercise routine gets a backseat and I have to prioritize a stranger's wellbeing for weeks on end. (Well, I just notified the office that I won't be doing placements longer than 2 weeks at the time max.) I'd like to look after myself more, and also go out to have fun, but I can see how easily I get tired of crowds and recharging at home sounds boring.

I'm not proud of myself for doing this job anymore. I am still hiding... and I'm not gonna get those years back. Moreover, I'm missing him. I know I didn't have to leave up north 2 days earlier... I think I just wanted to remind myself that I'm still independent, I can still do whatever I want during my time off of work and I don't need to rely on him to provide me with a home, or rather - a temporary shelter. Mind you, I should also remember how much that's convenient for him to have me within reach.. and benefit from benefits... Oh hahah. I'm probably playing house for myself. I can't lie, I love spending time with him and near him.

But to think of his home as my home, well, that's still a bit far-fetched. And I'm doing everything in my power to remain independent.. so ... here we go. A freezing hotel room in York and work in Doncaster from 2 days on. A gypsy? Perhaps. I might be tightly holding on to the familiar safety nets. I'm only human. On the other hand, it's super tiring being shoved around by my agency, and then making it worse myself by NOT traveling light and pushing half of my life on wheels around. Very strange, indeed, a very strange job and a very strange life you lead, Pavlina.

Something's shifting. 

When love is budding and you're fully present to its wonderful blossoming

I admit, it feels like it was a different girl crying her eyeballs out not that long ago under a tree in Harrogate, Yorkshire. I couldn't picture how I could ever recover from the heartbreak... and now I feel so silly for that. If only I knew that true love was mere months away and less than 50 miles south!

As the psychic said in January, 2020, my ex has led me to him. This feeling I have right now... As if it all had been written in the stars so precisely and perfectly for me so I could meet this man, appreciate him and stay curious. He's decades older than me and I dig it. I was never fully present with my younger boyfriends even when we could have 50 years ahead together. There was constant mind chatter, doubts, sabotaging, running away from them, and then seeing if they would run after me... so immature, and very ineffective. I don't feel the need to do these things, tricks now. I learned my lessons. There was love some 12 years ago and we became such good friends later, but nothing else lasted. I don’t know why.

I'm obsessed with this man! Don't tell him. Earlier this year, I didn't think that I'd feel the fire in my belly again and be smitten by someone just as much as he would be with me (he tells me so). He's gorgeous, he's youthful, sexy (abs and skin to envy), he's generous, honest, a great dad to his children, he's affectionate and he loves me to bits.

I met his family last week, and the fact that he's not brought anyone home in over 4 years makes me feel, frankly, quite special. 

Anyway, people are scared to speak about the early days in a relationship because it's still so fragile and it feels elusive. Speaking about being in love while we're getting to know each other must be downright foolish! Well, I was wrong many times in the past about certain men even though my intuition would tell me more about them within days, a coupla weeks max. More than I could perceive with my other senses. Fear of emotional intimacy and getting hurrt played a massive role too. I'd either leave right away or stay and complain. I have no regrets about acting foolish then, nor now. This new connection has been on for a coupla months and I still feel great, fascinated, and if anything, the sensations are escalating. Of course, the fact that we see each other nearly every day helps to build trust faster. I find it NOT coincidental that the company I work for gives me work within a walking distance of his house! 

Nothing lasts forever, whether you meet your dream partner in your teens or in your 60's, it's bound to end some day. True love and friendships are immortal. This time, I'm not letting fear get the better of me.. in fact, there's no fear. I'm enjoying every moment.

And last but not least, if I've ever wondered what was the difference between fucking and lovemaking... he's letting me know. He's letting me know real good 😋 Dating me is not that hard. You only need to be honest, helpful, devoted, put up with my quirks, and make love to me at least once every day. Simple.

It's time to discuss rebounds

I'd like to address rebound relationships from two different angles. It's a tricky topic.

What is a rebound in the context of relationships?

It is an affair we use as a means to an end - so we can get over someone else. The questions are: Can it still turn into a healthy, lasting relationship? If it ends abruptly, as it usually does, can it really help heal the trauma from the first breakup?

My short answer to the last question is - No. The pain from a fresh breakup can’t be covered up by other people, sex, food, tv, numbing substances for too long. You have to use other means of help! 

To the first question: I don’t know, please read on.

I’m against using people for rebound sex just to get over the one you actually love/d. I swore I wouldn't use other people to get over my breakups. I always knew it wasn't healthy. Because on the three occasions of painful endings of connections that I hoped could have lasted longer, I felt so much anger, frustration, loneliness, and sadness that I wanted to fuck anything and everything. After you're left alone, you most likely feel like immediately jumping to bed with anyone just to get rid of the grief, and it gotta be right there and then. I felt like that. All January and February, I couldn't believe my mental addiction to physical pleasure.

I used to act on it.

However, I didn’t get into a rebound sex/affair this time around. Perhaps some divine forces intervened. Or simply, my temporary yucky feelings didn't get in the way of my deeper healing.

Fast forward a few months, the accidental celibacy became deliberate, and it no longer bothered me. If anything, staying in my own energy helped heal much deeper stuff that was not about Chris at all. There was a trauma so ancient it swept me off of my feet. (I'm glad no fuckbuddy was around to see that meltdown.)

While I dove deep within, read all kinds of therapeutic self-help books, analyzed my behavior in all past relationships, made amends, prayed, visualized, that little man managed another failed relationship. 

A coincidence that he had started a new connection mere coupla weeks after our breakup? Probably not. Perhaps he had wished to get together with her even while we were together. In any case, It was a rebound. No matter what happened between them, the energy of an unhealed breakup can't be covered up by a new relationship, not for long. 

That action screams one thing: He has not learned anything in his 42 years of existence of mindless running from one pussy to another, never stopping to self-reflect and admit his own shortcomings. 

I apologized for mine. 

Has he ever found a fault within himself or does he really think he's a winning lottery ticket as a boyfriend? He's a coward looking for someone to mother him so... Maybe that's why I wished to find someone older and wiser.

My current suitor is all that and more. He's mature, but looks 10 years younger, and wears his heart on the sleeve. Chris will age badly as he drinks a lot, eats mindlessly, and doesn't practice gratitude.

Jake (not his real name) is kind, sophisticated, has his shit together, is a good dad to his grown daughters, and treats me like a queen!!!! I like the last part the most. We've known each other for less than a month and he's already making my life easier. It's now even harder to understand why I put up with Chris's cold-heartedness, even if just for 4 months, and then 2 months more of long-distance longing while he was off chasing the next best thing. It was pure masochism based on an unconscious trauma bond.

I was in a good place already when I met Jake. I went by the fire in my belly. After 6 months, I feel it there again. I need to stay present and take it day by day.
A part of me wonders if I should have put myself under someone to get over someone (Chris) a lot sooner to cut my endless suffering a few months shorter. Then Jake would not have come labeled as a rebound without a doubt.

My way of dealing with loss is, of course, just one side to the story. I'm not proposing that I have the answer to how to successfully get over a breakup to then start a healthier relationship with a clean slate. My budding relationship with Jake could be classified as a rebound, too...But I was healed when I met him.

I'm very attracted to this man, and I appreciate him very much. 

I'd like to include another take on this matter. An opinion Why rebounds are beneficial and perhaps a necessary part of the healing journey.

If it weren't for the fact how much I adore psychotherapist Susan Anderson and her books helping me heal my grief, the fear of abandonment, and post-traumatic disorder after past abandonments, I would scorn over an article titled:

Here’s why you should get into a rebound relationship
aka Riding high on the rebound.

But it’s not as wicked as it sounds. Enjoy Anderson’s opinion in her short and sweet article here:

https://www.abandonment.net/rebound-relationship

I too believe that definitely after 6 months of healing in solitude, one has gotta start practicing dating again. Btw. for my ex it was more like 6 hours, so... well, you get the picture.

But hey, fear does incubate over time, and Chris just wasn’t wasting any! Perhaps he is a clever little boy after all, getting into a short-lived rebound at a speed of light.

I've written a post about putting yourself back out there a few weeks before Anderson published her article. You can read it on my Instagram here:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CQTxKEVBvMa/?utm_medium=copy_link


I further mentioned my disgust over peeps using other peeps for rebound relationships in another Insta post:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ5dp1bh7Io/?utm_medium=copy_link


Please, use your own discernment when it comes to your particular breakup, your own healing journey, and a possible short rebound or a healthy relationship on the horizon.

Good luck! :)

You must wake up, stare the truth boldly in the eye, and rise to stop this charade

I spent a lovely couple of days at my bestie's father-in-law's farm in Derbyshire. I looked after her son Michael, played with some animals and rested in the beautiful countryside. And got smashed-drunk both nights. Yep, not so enlightened of me! But damn, it was such a necessary evil. Even the hangover was worth it.

Well, I had all the best intentions not to drink the second night. However, my friend's annoying friend, let's call her Stacia, joined the party. You know I'm always so compassionate and empathic and do my best to keep my cool-loving attitude? Well, this time around I was mumbling into my wine glass all kinds of words. That's why I couldn't keep it away from my mouth! Otherwise, I'd start to argue... and there is just no point when the other person is a twat.

Guys, this is a PLANDEMIC! We are still amidst the charade of this disaster, a criminal thing that doesn't make any sense anymore (if it ever did) and they (whoever they is) are SHAMELESS about it!

If I stop wondering how come people didn't see that already 1 year ago, I can no longer tolerate that people aren't awake by now. 1,5 years ago I didn't look too much into it. Like the majority, I was scared. But I still wasn't about to believe everything I'd be told without using my discernment, own intuition, and some common sense. Meeting T. (Chris) last year was a blessing. He added a lot more info that, although hard to believe back then, I resonated with that much more than with the BBC, CNN and other bullshit media. I already knew that masks don't protect us, washing hands is common sense, and now, according to my new source (let's call him Jake), I do believe that we can't even "catch" viruses! They're already in our bodies and will, or will not, get triggered by traumatic events in our lives. I caught "covid" after the traumatic breakup. I could not bear being alone in this plandemic, in the winter and in a country where I didn't/don't belong.

Anyway, moving on...

My friends's friend couldn't shut up about the vaccine and how that's gonna salvage us. Constantly praising it, what a brilliant idea so we could all resume our lives... "Come guys, we all gotta do it..." I kept quiet. Well, mumbling into my wine... What an annoying twat. Should I really listen to health advice from a woman who says she's 36 but looks like 45?

I'm sorry, but enough was of my meekness.

I had to finish the bottle and make some excuses about being tired and just got to bed. I'm sure that my friends enlightened her about my stance later. Well, E. and her husband totally accept me with all my quirks and whatnot, and I accept theirs. I accept that they both got the vaccine. I accept the pressure they felt they were under. It's work, it's family, it's protecting their children... all sound like perfect and noble reasons to go ahead and do something to redeem the world...

But the said solution, this experimental vaccine, is, unfortunately, not gonna give them what they want. And what they really want are health and freedom.

I am more expressive about this on my IG. Come and follow - @pavlinalioness

#pandemic #plandemic #novaxx

The spirit of dragonfly, day-dreaming, and healing

I've been healing my gastritis and irritable bowel syndrome with rest, healthier foods, and detoxing negative emotions out of my mind and body. Turns out that the events of the past 2 weeks did leave a small mark. Well, stress flares up these two conditions but it's not the end of the world. I'm co-hosting a women's circle tonight and I can't wait to shed some light on men, sex, and sexual healing for those female attendees! 

Before coming to see my grandmother for the last time, I noticed a giant dragonfly outside of her door. I knew it was a spiritual sign of good luck, but it occurred to me to google some more about it only just now. I asked a question about something personal about 10 minutes ago, pulled out a card from Colette Baron Reid, and - my eyes fell on a cute dragonfly flying past me - indoors! I'm including possible messages below. 

I think I like staying in my own energy, appreciating myself even more for everything I've done and who I've been, and who I'm becoming. 

Life is good when you trust that you are protected, divinely guided, and you really can't fuck this up.

Trust.

The departure of granny and a new dawn

I'm writing this on a much more positive note than the previous post, albeit a bit out of practice sharing with the public again.

Last night I landed in London and was swished off to self-isolate in a hotel that my agency booked for me... I had been looking forward to those upcoming 5 days like nothing else! A totally different spirit from what was I was in 4 months ago. Another opportunity to rest, recharge, detox, recreate myself anew.

This time around I'm not preoccupied with some little man ghosting me. In fact, I'm finally so at peace staying alone. I'm definitely better off without a cowardly self-centered sociopath - whom I nevertheless loved. For the first time in 6 months, or ever, I feel that true love is possible, and most importantly, still waiting for me. I trust my past choices, no matter how dumb. My faith in God and in the Universe protecting me got me this far, so why wouldn't I trust that all my experiences led me to a place where everything comes together?

That I've not yet found the right person, never had the elusive best sex of my life, and never born any children - it all makes perfect sense already. I simply wouldn't have been ready to appreciate what I'd have if I had found it. So to make it easier on me, God orchestrated no marriage =  no divorce, and a lot of emotional pain to learn what I don't want.

Oh my, I feel so at peace...

The last few weeks were incredible, and I mean unbelievable. At the beginning of the year, I felt something died within me. I went on to survive in an unspecific numbness, to suddenly be brought back to life a few weeks ago. So much action since. Beach relaxation, hiking, making new connections, seeing old friends, and going on lovely dates. Of course, the highlight was spending time with my family and lastly, mourning the departure of my dear grandmother. God rest her soul. She's suffered so much throughout the last two years, it was a release for her, and quite a relief for us. Because other's suffering is our suffering. 

When my sis told me the news, it was still a shock. Although I traveled to Czechia last minute on a strong call of my intuition to say goodbye to granny, the conscious mind still wasn't getting it. I'm so happy I got to see her for a few days before she went to hospice to die. We all thought she'd be there for a few months, maybe even be brought back to aliveness, but mere 2 days later she's gone to heaven. 

That day the news saddened me deeply, more than I thought it would because I believed I made peace with it... To my surprise, the following morning I woke up and the grief that had been sitting on my chest for the last two years since her diagnosis (heightened by the pandemic, my own breakup, and seeing her in pain the week before) was suddenly gone. I felt so light. There was a new dawn, and I felt it. 

I wonder if she came the night before to pass on some wisdom.

I feel absolutely certain that she’s now someplace far happier than where she's ever been while on Earth.
She deserves it.

It's time to make my own health a priority. And I hope that my mother will now put hers too!

Smile, come back from from the dead, the world is waiting for your light to shine again.

A square peg in a round hole kinda girl... or do most of us actually feel like that, and therefore, it's the distorted societal conditioning that doesn't fit our perfectly wholesome nature?

This Mercury Retrograde in Gemini is bringing much melancholy. We reminisce of the good ol' days and also take stock of what wasn't that good and perhaps it had happened one too many times in our lives, a broken record, toxic patterns on repeat.

I've been in Tenerife for 2 weeks now. I procrastinated with booking a return ticket to the UK... I felt a certain resistance. Like if what happened at the beginning of this year, when I wasn't even in the UK, and then what reopened a few months after when I flew back - which caused me to bleed out of very ancient wounds - negatively influenced my view of a particular shire, the British culture, and its people. But my work in caregiving brought me so much peace and healing. If I didn't have this work between February - May, I wouldn't be alive right now. But I told myself that I wouldn't contribute to the sickness of this world. I won't give up the fight.

Looking back, it is obviously not a glamorous and sustainable job. It takes its toll. Physically (If you have to physically support your patients with mundane tasks) and mentally too. Doing 14 hours a day with a break for sleep, the monotony, the responsibility, and worst, I could wake up any day to find my 80+-year-old ill client dead.

Here I am, holidaying, wiser, calmer, grateful for being brought to my knees this year. And it's only the end of May. I can still turn it into a favorable advantage.

It's interesting how the sudden decision to book a flight from here to Prague to say goodbye to my ill grandmother for the 4th time in the last 2 years, made so much sense and brought me peace. Tenerife was a transit stop so it seems. I'm scheduled back to work with one of my past clients near Manchester on 18.6. Till then, I have time. I'm not the one to laze around or seek holiday romances, so Czechia rang true, even without the update from my mum.

Old childhood friends began reaching out a few weeks ago. I opened up and now it's becoming apparent that we're not that different. I might have left the town at 18, traveled the world, and slept with more people than the entire village altogether, but we all have been looking for the same thing just in different places. We sought peace, mutual love, and co-living with nature without oppressive governments controlling us. Not everyone is after money, fame, and power. And not everyone judges alternative ways of living and healing.

Maybe it's time to go back to my roots, revisit those places in southern bohemia that used to hold so much mystery, innocence, and infinite possibilities for my child's self. I want to settle down, get a dog, and make money by coaching full-time. I never thought it could be back where I started. It might not, but it's a start within a start. Simplifying who I am, honoring where I came from, reconnecting with old friends who were also so unlucky in love, and then making new ones.

I have already 3 dates lined up. One with someone I bumped into in Prague in February and who has kept in touch via phone ever since (it already tells me that he has some decency and integrity), with a couple I got to know while working on my craft in Prague's funky co-working space, and then with someone I've known since 12 years old. He's traveled a fair bit too and now he works for a charity back in our hometown. That could mean that he's kind... but then again, I can't believe how many times I was wrong when it came to people... always focusing on their light, their potential, and hoping for the best. How has that worked out for me? Well, not very well. I got my heart crushed by cruel disappointments, namely by heartless, unkind, and shallow men with no empathy or compassion skillsets. I mustn't have any expectations this time...

In any case, never move away from the break of a new dawn... Don't give up the fight. Only pussies give up. The world is too sick to contribute to it. I'm not a bitter old lady, please, don't let me get bitter, thanks.

I urged myself not to write anything sad... but this fresh update on my whereabouts is coming from my heart and it seems that I can not write from anyplace else. If I wait for complete healing, I might as well take the whole year off, if not longer. It's been slow but steady progress. The worst is over, so this is the best you get from me, for now.

Hope is all we've got these days.

Being a carer

Working as a carer has its perks. I don't mean disposing of soiled diapers and wiping the damage, but well, that's part of the deal. In fact, every new mother could say the same. You care about the human being you look after so much that it actually hurts you more if they're suffering from bellyache than having to deal with 'accidents' ever so often. Their wellbeing is of the utmost importance to you, whatever it takes.

One of the perks is stability - every day is the same and you know what to expect. Strange, you may think... but given my history of commitment-less life, constant changes and the maximum of unpredictability, this certainty is what I was craving. 

Then there are the fun times you and your client share together, the laughs, the tenderness, hugs and evenings spent watching sh#t on the telly. Thank God my elderly lady doesn't care what's on. I don't let her watch the Covid news! Well, sometimes I forget. Then I glimpse and hear too much, become mesmerized by the drama and the ridiculousness and unreliability of it all and just stare at the screen jaw open myself... then I quickly switch the channels. She doesn't care. She has no idea what's going on in the world... maybe that's why I like it here so much. She doesn't brainwash me with the atrocities of the pandemic, the need for me to be careful, self-isolate, wear a mask everywhere and just shut myself out... she's happy... she has far better stuff to reminisce about ... She keeps wondering whether she's only 21... then at times of sanity telling me she's probably 60, maybe 80 and a bit... At other times she pays compliments to all these people joining us at the table or just randomly sitting in places in the living room... "What a handsome man sitting over there." Where? "There..." She points her chin to the sofa. Empty sofa. Okay, dear.

Last night I had a strange dream... three blonde men pursuing me...(all suspiciously looking like Charlie Hunnam). One asked me what's the deal with me, how come I am single, have no children and if I wanted children...? I felt his attraction towards me and the intensity of his eyes...  But I composed myself and I said that I'll have children when I feel safe...

It sounds funny now that I remember it. But it's totally logical. 

The last time I felt safe with a man I was 22. Too young to settle down. Then there is the commitment to a place and the responsibility that comes with raising a child into a decent adult. I'd have to have a supportive network around me and feel loved by my husband, the father of the child. Giving feels great and it is my second nature, but the cup requires to be refilled constantly.

Today I completely surrendered the wish to be a mother - someday - to the divine. Nothing in my life happened by chance, it all makes perfect sense now and I trust, I trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should for everyone's highest good. Maybe I'm not supposed to be married, pregnant and raise a child... maybe I'm supposed to be a carer. And that's perfectly fine with me too.

How to silence the outside world and think for yourself...

 

Let's be a little sceptical today...

Don't you sometimes wish to silence all the noise out there? 

Even if it's just in your head. I mean, we hear so much input from so called gurus and experts, and while a lot of what they say is sound and may be fine to hear if you don't normally introspect, it can be very unhelpful if you do, and you like thinking outside of the box.

If you're accustomed to meditating and journalling regularly and you're an avid reader - you already play with the fire of information overload!

Everybody's got something to say. Especially, during this pandemic. Mostly, it's the media that feeds us a lot of unnecessary data. It serves to instil fear within us and makes conforming the only logical response.

It's too much. Too much advice out there and it just makes me wonder where has our common sense gone, where is the whisper of our intuition and mainly, how can we even hear it if we keep listening to other people's opinion? Can't we just admit that the current affairs are getting more and more ridiculous?

Regarding relationship guidance. Do we really need someone to tell us when to text, when not to text, how to ask someone out or when to sleep with them? Should we take the guru's words literally and apply them universally?

Come on!

Everyone is so different. If you wanted to date me, I bet that there is no manual out there that would help you get me. No exact rules apply to me and no book would tell you how to work your magic on me bulletproofly. Just think for yourself, feel into your heart, and give it your best shot.

Thank you for being original! X