What am I showing to you about you? What shadows of yours am I reflecting back on you?
It was the most fascinating and critical relationship I've had since 2009, and perhaps because of it, the [final] breakup was the most beautiful breakup too. This time, I didn't throw a temper tantrum coz' he didn't care enough, nor pushed him out of my life abruptly. I needed to hear him out first. His fully-expressed doubts, at last, created a safe space for mutual closure. Any of the previous breaks of ours didn't last long. Love and attraction were stronger than the need to self-preserve. But last night wasn't about self-preservation. It was a selfless, mutual nudge in perspective right directions, designed to help each other heal.
One month ago, I didn't want to keep apart for long. I couldn't, I was attached. My flight got cancelled and I thought it was a sign that Chris was worth my staying in the UK longer... maybe forever.
Yet he felt it was good for me to get a new ticket and go back home before the start of my new job.
However, he didn't want me to be a carer and didn't want me around either. Not before I'd find something else. My credit card wasn't working despite having money in the account - was it my unconscious mind trying to delay the inevitable? He even offered to pay for the flight. That's how badly he wanted to be left alone. I cried that weekend, somewhere deep down recognising that it was the last time we were together.
We were each other's opposites, but I dare to say that we had the same values. We both wanted a family - a more connected one than our biological families, we were both world travellers but quite decided to stay and commit to one place rather than endlessly moving around and starting from 0 repeatedly. We were both loyal to one another and truthful. I think that we valued transparency and respect over anything else. I wouldn't do anything disrespectful behind his back. In fact, he was the only man I've ever been completely faithful to and I planned to stay so until we'd both agreed to some sex adventure together.
I wanted to live with him. At least to try.
All that mental energy that he invested into overthinking how things could go wrong with us living together, could have been invested in imagining how things could go right with us. And that is the saddest part left unsaid and never to be tried and tested.
I guess we don’t have the mental capacity to deal with a budding relationship momentarily. With everything else going on in our lives and in the world out there, this romance brought additional stress.
It's a beautifully sad love story.
Thy will be done, through me.