Instead of asking why do I keep attracting the SAME type of men, I'll answer myself in this paragraph. My deep calling is to heal people and lead them out of the darkness. If I search for the word: depressed in Whatsapp, I get offered message threads from my Australian ex and one message from my current British 'ex'. I know how challenging it can be for men to admit that they feel/felt depressed. Perhaps we all feel that way at some point in life. But we must use the readily available tools to pull ourselves out. Let's say, why won't we stop drinking so much, start eating healthily, go outside in nature, AND - this is the other common theme of my exes - seek human connections! Learn how to communicate and stay fairly social even during a global pandemic (I mean - reach out to your old friends, make new friends - even if only online, look where you can be of service). What's happening right now can be considered a good excuse for those men who have already been a little socially awkward to completely isolate themselves and stay with their negative thoughts and depressive feelings alone in their mancave. I explain my pattern in this way: Until I make healing - inspiring people to heal and transform - my full-time career, I'll forever keep attracting wounded underdogs just so I have something to do.
I've written a lot about my heartbreak from 2016 and the healing journey in Australia here: https://breakthroughbreakup.blogspot.com
It is a good blog. Sadly, I haven't advertised it enough. It could have helped many people with a broken heart; it's raw, entertaining, insightful...
In 2020 I found someone more stable, more intelligent, and apparently more faithful too... But in the end, it was all the same shit. (The Aussie wanted to live with me though)
He knew that working as a carer wasn't for me. But he also became too comfortable living alone. I get that. I love staying in my own energy and sleeping alone. But I also love the feeling when you come back to a warm place where someone's home (like that time with my sis. The first month was torture, then we made some compromises and created a new rhythm that suited both)
Well, just another guy whom I imagined marrying and having children with! ... If only I knew that he wasn't ready.. ehm, I kinda knew. Did I unconsciously hope I'd change him - heal him? Yes. Guilty again.
Everything about him and his life screamed: Run! But I went ahead with the experience, fell in love, and became emotionally attached.
He successfully retracted from every long-term commitment, and altruistic wasn't his middle name. When someone tells you they're selfish, believe them.
Obviously, he doesn't know me well if he thinks I'd smother him if we lived together. Maybe he should ask my best friends E. and O. what's my idea of co-living or if I appreciate my space and privacy... if he didn't hear it from me.
It wasn't time wasted. I view it as a 4-month long interactive course in nailing the last bits and pieces of my ideal relationship. Now the list is complete. Along with the ideal attributes of my future husband and father of our child - I also learned my own shortcomings.
I learned that if I push a man to the edge of his sanity, yet he comes back, it's painful for both. On top of it, his comeback means nothing so better not test a man like that anymore (too often) unless I make sure that his return is welcome. Because: "Toxic is if they can't let you go, but can't treat you right either" (Anon)
I learned that if he's persistent in his efforts to pursue me, I shall question his motives too. Is he serious about me or - he doesn't have anyone else to hang out with? (spoiler alert-it's the latter) AND - does he treat sex as the remedy for depression, the extra energy that he - during this pandemic- has no other outlet for, am I his indoor entertainment for the lack of outdoor entertainment? Was his eagerness to keep meeting up and use me for sex a reflection of his refusal to introspect and fill the void with more permanent nourishment?
I learned that in any relationship, one must set boundaries. Those who know me would tell you that I don't have a problem with assertiveness. No. But I have a boundaries problem when it comes to honoring my need to sleep alone and spend more time in silence. And then there's the sex issue, when I just want to keep fucking, making myself feel better by making him feel better, and losing myself in the relationship to please and avoid my deeper needs.
I learned that even if he's handsome, it doesn't really add a lot to my already beautiful world.
That being said, I know that there was a lot of good stuff too. I learned that a man who's not easily offended is the only man who stands a chance to last next to me. I loved his humor, how he wasn't taking himself seriously, and I loved his brilliant, imaginative mind and insight. There were glimpses of his hard heart softening, which felt beautiful. Sometimes, I thought that he actually knew me well. Now I believe it was probably something I wished to see rather than what it was in reality.
He said that if we lived together, I must have something to do during the day to not always be in the flat while he's working from home. That's something to respect and despise too. Who the hell did he think I was?? A baby?
What I cannot comprehend is #1. that after all that time, he still thought that I'd accidentally get stuck "with no job, no money". Is that how little he believed in me? #2. that he wouldn't offer his place "indefinitely". Because of my generous nature, wanting to help people, and my history of dating generous men - I just could not comprehend what was all that indefinitely-stuck shit about.
Do you want to build a life with me? If yes, then I hope that it is for indefinitely. We're stuck together, in love, co-creating, and having satisfying sex forever. If the answer is no, well then, get the fuck out of my life now.
So he did.