It's always darkest before the dawn

I've been feeling into the recent changes, new commitments, my conscious choice not to numb myself, the inevitable breakdowns that followed, and recovering the will to move forward. Is that what they mean by adulting?

I feel everything these days, maybe it's because I don't drink alcohol to numb, ward off my thoughts and emotions as something to be ashamed of. I don't get a foggy brain from too much flour and sugar, and I don't go hunting for men to exchange a sense of a deep loss for superficial climaxes.

I committed to my employment as a carer and my calling of a healer and life coach. At least for now, I'm fully in.

Commitments have always seemed scary to me. I've been the type who had one foot in, one foot out. Since I preached to become my best coach and client - I decided to place both my feet in one direction. I started aligning with my highest values despite seeing such little evidence of those virtues in my life. Like unconditional love, honesty, stability, and family. I must start creating those with the hope that these ideals exist.

Let's get to the point of today's post.

The best thing about managing a blog that you write and not censor is that you can speak a lot of bullshit to cover up your mistakes and present only a one-sided story!

What is the truth behind all this mess I found myself in? Why am I suddenly so adamant to change? The breakup wasn't a surprising event. My lack of commitment in the past drove all men mad and in the end, away from me. The potential (good) relationships collapsed because I kept pushing love away and showed my non-committal, hot and cold side the most. Self-defence, maybe. And also so frickin' childish from me. I literally committed to no thing, no place, and no person. And the boy knew it too. Would those qualities look attractive to me in a man? Nope.

I must stay present. It's too easy to drift off and imagine myself de-stressing on a beach in Tulum or dancing to shamanic beats in Bali. It would be doable to pack my bag and leave even during this pandemic. But I've been reacting in that manner all my life. The hardest part is to observe and FEEL that it's not been working out for me well. It's psychosis-inducing to feel like there's no ground beneath my feet if I'm so lost to the point where I think it's all a big nightmare and hopefully, I'll wake up soon. The breakup and disappearance of someone I thought I loved shattered my illusions about what could be possible in my love life. I can’t have it all? Now I want to find the line between big dreams and practicalities, and crush it.

By staying present and focused, the sense of what's possible for me, even if it's with someone else, is coming back. I still occasionally spiral down the dark pitch where I blame myself for everything, but as they say - it takes two to tango. Some of his actions - or no actions - prompted my old wounds to open and shit ensued. If you know what the other person can't stand, then stop doing it. Well, he likes his space, so I'm focusing on my own. I'm creating space for someone who’ll appreciate that I've lived, loved and learned. I've done the hardest part - I uncovered my shadow, loved the unloved parts of myself, accepted them, and worked on feeling worthy of having both freedom and stability too.

It's always darkest before the dawn they say. A week ago, I crumbled in front of my male friend on Skype, lamenting that I could use advice from masculine energy to give me a sense of direction. He stopped me in my tracks. He said: "You traveled back to the UK with the intention to get back together with someone who doesn't even deserve you, you committed to the work that you know it's not your destination but it can finance your business... How's that for direction?" 

It was so incredibly empowering. He was right. I can do this. For a few months at least, before I fully heal and will be financially strong to move on to a full-time holistic career. And the right man? Well, he'll appear when I commit to releasing the past and all the blocks that prevent me from believing that I can experience genuine love.

Bloody full moon in Libra!

"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back." - Florence + The Machine