Friday, March 19, 2021

When you're torn between the head and the heart / sense and sensibility

Yes, the masculine and the feminine are completely different.

But they can communicate and hear each other out.

This is a mega healing exercise from two hours ago, and admittedly, it's a little out there! lol. Enjoy:

After my late dance workout, I noticed that I've felt much better, alive, more confident, and ready to screw all the recent bullshit I was going through and the unending grief that kept me paralyzed. In fact, I was ready to move to Mexico the next week! Or perhaps Costa Rica. 

Or was I?

As I was looking at my face in the mirror, it was spotting this uncanny smirk... I felt weirdly attracted to it, but I also despised it. I looked like a woman who was bitchy, ready to fuck and not give a fuck - something like that. However, it was only the left half of my face... 

At first, it looked sexy-ish, a slight smile just to the one side of the face, and a twinkle in the eye, also only on the left side... and so I began observing what was going on with the right side. Again, at first, I assumed I had some post-workout happy-sweaty expression, I also cried a bit (dance has me spill out all the emotions within me), so my mascara was all over, my hair was dishevelled, and the grin just topped the funny look. so... I did a little test, I hid the right half of the face with my hand and just observed my left - feminine - side. It looked suggestive and ruthless, then I switched hands and uncovered my right - masculine - side... it was stoic. Absolutely emotionless expression and what the fuck, I tried to smile with the corner of my mouth and it didn't move! It couldn't go upward - it wasn't able to smile! Moreover, the eye looked empty. I felt empty. It freaked me out.

I sat down on the mat, my head in my hands.... am I having a stroke? No. I knew that there was a conflict within me... what was up?

I covered my feminine eye, and I felt into the masculine. Initially, I felt stillness and peace, no-mind, so I dropped down into the heart chakra... What are you feeling my dear man? And him - I - began to sob! Very masculine style of sobbing when you're not completely breaking down, and you're not even obsessively thinking or knowing why you're crying, but the tears are just streaming. So I split myself in three. It was the woman (we'll get to her), the man and me - the higher self. I embraced myself and stroked my arms and in between sobs I was reassuring the man that I and her are here to hold him... I didn't ask any further questions.

I shifted places and I covered the masculine and inquired into my feminine... Why were you sneering my dear and what is it that you want? The woman in me, definitely the most dominating essence of my being, sometimes completely ruining my life... told me that she wants to go someplace far away from T. (Chris), that she's done with him, and she's ready to go and let loose... and then the man stepped in and whispered: She's running away from rejection. But she cannot escape it till she accepts it and heals. She'll keep forever escaping herself. It's not the first time and won't be the last time if she goes. 

I knew. The woman there suddenly feels into her heart... and she feels this pang, it's hollow, hurts like hell and she knows she's so scared of pain, so so scared of another breakup happening in the future... she just wants to run and be free of this pain. She's broken and she thinks that fun will 'fix' her. She doesn't shed a tear, yet she calms down...

I go back to the masculine and I ask him... What would you advise her? Can you help her? Hold her safe? Help her find stillness, you're so good with it... Again, my masculine communicates without too many words or emotions... it just gives me deep inner wisdom and knowing... He tells me that I - us - need to find my focus first. And that I can do it wherever I am, even here in the UK. That I must heal and forgive myself first.

I missed Chris so much, but I was also angry at him, the feminine in me was. The masculine in me surprised me with its compassion and a newly discovered sensibility.

I go to my woman for the last time and I feel completely different energy... she's heard her companion. He used to seem oppressive to her, always too practical and full of orders and restrictions upon her... but now she sees that he also saved her from trouble so many times before. She's willing to listen. And at least wait with booking the flight tickets until next week. The man is very confident that some happy news and new opportunities (and more thought) will come up this weekend. Yes, she feels more positive too. 

My conflicted sides embrace and make peace and decide on holding their horses. No deadline for healing. But it must be done before any move happens. Breakups suck but they must be felt and dealt with fully. I nearly felt my jawline relaxing and my face evening out...

Well, my higher self is saying - we can still go to Mexico! But perhaps not on Monday. LET'S DEVISE A LONG-TERM PLAN FIRST.


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Please be kind and have some compassion for my non-native English grammar. Applications for voluntary editing are now open.