Friday, April 9, 2021

Being a carer

Working as a carer has its perks. I don't mean disposing of soiled diapers and wiping the damage, but well, that's part of the deal. In fact, every new mother could say the same. You care about the human being you look after so much that it actually hurts you more if they're suffering from bellyache than having to deal with 'accidents' ever so often. Their wellbeing is of the utmost importance to you, whatever it takes.

One of the perks is stability - every day is the same and you know what to expect. Strange, you may think... but given my history of commitment-less life, constant changes and the maximum of unpredictability, this certainty is what I was craving. 

Then there are the fun times you and your client share together, the laughs, the tenderness, hugs and evenings spent watching sh#t on the telly. Thank God my elderly lady doesn't care what's on. I don't let her watch the Covid news! Well, sometimes I forget. Then I glimpse and hear too much, become mesmerized by the drama and the ridiculousness and unreliability of it all and just stare at the screen jaw open myself... then I quickly switch the channels. She doesn't care. She has no idea what's going on in the world... maybe that's why I like it here so much. She doesn't brainwash me with the atrocities of the pandemic, the need for me to be careful, self-isolate, wear a mask everywhere and just shut myself out... she's happy... she has far better stuff to reminisce about ... She keeps wondering whether she's only 21... then at times of sanity telling me she's probably 60, maybe 80 and a bit... At other times she pays compliments to all these people joining us at the table or just randomly sitting in places in the living room... "What a handsome man sitting over there." Where? "There..." She points her chin to the sofa. Empty sofa. Okay, dear.

Last night I had a strange dream... three blonde men pursuing me...(all suspiciously looking like Charlie Hunnam). One asked me what's the deal with me, how come I am single, have no children and if I wanted children...? I felt his attraction towards me and the intensity of his eyes... of course, I'd like to make babies with him! But I composed myself and I said that I'll have children when I feel safe...

It sounds funny now that I remember it. But it's totally logical. 

The last time I felt safe with a man I was 22. Too young to settle down. Then there is the commitment to a place one needs to make, the responsibility that comes with raising a child into a decent adult. I'd have to have a supportive network around me and feel loved by my husband, the father of the child. Giving feels great and it is my second nature, but the cup requires to be refilled constantly.

Today I completely surrendered the wish to be a mother - someday - to the divine. Nothing in my life happened by chance, it all makes perfect sense now and I trust, I trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should for everyone's highest good. Maybe I'm not supposed to be married, pregnant and raise a child... maybe I'm supposed to be a carer. And that's perfectly fine with me too.

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

How to silence the outside world and think for yourself...


Let's be a little sceptical today...

Don't you sometimes wish to silence all the noise out there? 
Even if it's just in your head. I mean, we hear so much input from so called gurus and experts, and while a lot of what they say is sound and may be fine to hear if you don't normally introspect, it can be very unhelpful if you do, and you like thinking outside of the box.
If you're accustomed to meditating and journalling regularly and you're an avid reader - you already play with the fire of information overload!
Everybody's got something to say. Especially, during this pandemic. Mostly, it's the media that feeds us a lot of unnecessary data. It serves to instil fear within us and makes conforming the only logical response.

It's too much. Too much advice out there and it just makes me wonder where has our common sense gone, where is the whisper of our intuition and mainly, how can we even hear it if we keep listening to other people's opinion? Can't we just admit that the current affairs are getting more and more ridiculous?

Regarding relationship guidance. Do we really need someone to tell us when to text, when not to text, how to ask someone out or when to sleep with them? Should we take the guru's words literally and apply them universally?

Come on!
Everyone is so different. If you wanted to date me, I bet that there is no manual out there that would help you get me. No exact rules apply to me and no book would tell you how to work your magic on me bulletproofly. Just think for yourself, feel into your heart, and give it your best shot.
Thank you for being original! X

Friday, April 2, 2021

My UK comeback's finally worth it

The last 5 days have been my happiest days this year so far.

I left the placement in Dronfield and got a new client in Greater Manchester. The moment I saw her, I knew that we'd get on super well. This elderly lady is like a much sweeter version of my own grandmother. The live-in work demands all my focus, as expected, but it's also been smooth and filled with adequate downtime so I can work on my own stuff. I've been enjoying it a lot! The days here are hilarious and rewarding too. 

In a little over a week, I'm back in Yorkshire, places will be open, and I'm ready to party! I'm joking. I'm just happy that it's becoming warmer and sunnier, and the outdoors has always remained open and accessible, even during this deceptive pandemic.

I'm sharing more of my 'light' on Insta these days, so tune in for some spiritual wisdom! @pavlinalioness