This Mercury Retrograde in Gemini is bringing much melancholy. We reminisce of the good ol' days and also take stock of what wasn't that good and perhaps it had happened one too many times in our lives, a broken record, toxic patterns on repeat.
I've been in Tenerife for 2 weeks now. I procrastinated with booking a return ticket to the UK... I felt a certain resistance. Like if what happened at the beginning of this year, when I wasn't even in the UK, and then what reopened a few months after when I flew back - which caused me to bleed out of very ancient wounds - negatively influenced my view of a particular shire, the British culture, and its people. But my work in caregiving brought me so much peace and healing. If I didn't have this work between February - May, I wouldn't be alive right now. But I told myself that I wouldn't contribute to the sickness of this world. I won't give up the fight.
Looking back, it is obviously not a glamorous and sustainable job. It takes its toll. Physically (If you have to physically support your patients with mundane tasks) and mentally too. Doing 14 hours a day with a break for sleep, the monotony, the responsibility, and worst, I could wake up any day to find my 80+-year-old ill client dead.
Here I am, holidaying, wiser, calmer, grateful for being brought to my knees this year. And it's only the end of May. I can still turn it into a favorable advantage.
It's interesting how the sudden decision to book a flight from here to Prague to say goodbye to my ill grandmother for the 4th time in the last 2 years, made so much sense and brought me peace. Tenerife was a transit stop so it seems. I'm scheduled back to work with one of my past clients near Manchester on 18.6. Till then, I have time. I'm not the one to laze around or seek holiday romances, so Czechia rang true, even without the update from my mum.
Old childhood friends began reaching out a few weeks ago. I opened up and now it's becoming apparent that we're not that different. I might have left the town at 18, traveled the world, and slept with more people than the entire village altogether, but we all have been looking for the same thing just in different places. We sought peace, mutual love, and co-living with nature without oppressive governments controlling us. Not everyone is after money, fame, and power. And not everyone judges alternative ways of living and healing.
Maybe it's time to go back to my roots, revisit those places in southern bohemia that used to hold so much mystery, innocence, and infinite possibilities for my child's self. I want to settle down, get a dog, and make money by coaching full-time. I never thought it could be back where I started. It might not, but it's a start within a start. Simplifying who I am, honoring where I came from, reconnecting with old friends who were also so unlucky in love, and then making new ones.
I have already 3 dates lined up. One with someone I bumped into in Prague in February and who has kept in touch via phone ever since (it already tells me that he has some decency and integrity), with a couple I got to know while working on my craft in Prague's funky co-working space, and then with someone I've known since 12 years old. He's traveled a fair bit too and now he works for a charity back in our hometown. That could mean that he's kind... but then again, I can't believe how many times I was wrong when it came to people... always focusing on their light, their potential, and hoping for the best. How has that worked out for me? Well, not very well. I got my heart crushed by cruel disappointments, namely by heartless, unkind, and shallow men with no empathy or compassion skillsets. I mustn't have any expectations this time...
In any case, never move away from the break of a new dawn... Don't give up the fight. Only pussies give up. The world is too sick to contribute to it. I'm not a bitter old lady, please, don't let me get bitter, thanks.
I urged myself not to write anything sad... but this fresh update on my whereabouts is coming from my heart and it seems that I can not write from anyplace else. If I wait for complete healing, I might as well take the whole year off, if not longer. It's been slow but steady progress. The worst is over, so this is the best you get from me, for now.
Hope is all we've got these days.
