Is the fear of rejection running the show?

Never have I ever shown the full capacity of my love to anyone. Possibly not even to myself.

Naturally, I've been attracting men who know that they will not need to worry about my smothering them with affection, because - I'm just too cool for that. What they don't know is that I'm too afraid of rejection and abandonment to commit. 

The men I date have no idea how to show feelings either. I provide a safe haven for their stalling. It makes the relationship comfortable. A little frustrating too. Yet we both perpetuate a slight drama, perhaps touching on childhood wounds of abandonment and love withdrawal where it all started. Now we're re-creating a sense of familiarity and a vicious cycle of settling for the same thing that never worked. One thing is texting him that I'm in love with him, and completely another is to show it to him - or - want to stay with him for that matter.

Love is not enough.

Many relationship experts, like Esther Perell or Matthew Hussey, say the same thing. You need more than love for one another to make something work. Willingness, compactibility, the same values and trust as some of the fundamentals.

And then there is the Russian saying that I like: Love won't feed you.

Indeed, to love someone doesn't imply that you trust them, want to stay with them, marry them, or protect them and support them. What is to love when it is not a promise of undying feelings and togetherness? That's the million-dollar question.

I know that I love Bali.... but would I want to settle down and live there? Probably not. 

I love my protege - Am I willing to look after her for longer than I need to? Uhm, no.

So what does love propose, if anything?

Love is not a commitment.

And love is not an attachment...

I'm inquiring into my heart because the last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. 

I wish he would have met me at the time I felt more empowered. But my past work would have not offered fertile grounds for a romance. Not a healthy one anyway.

I'm transitioning, finding a new purpose, yet the global pandemic is affecting my mental health.

I'm not the one to adopt the false assurance of victimhood. I hate excuses for not living your best life and I never want to succumb to complacency. I never identified myself as a victim and I'm not going to. That being said, stress does get to me and I act out of control if it's left unchecked! Checking I do, but realistically, I'm an intuitive, sensitive, spiritual sponge and even the grim British weather has the power to backstab me.

Still, I manage to get up and go... I'm just wondering if he's a part of those next steps. Possibly more empowered steps, not back into the past, but into the future where I WON'T let my fears run the show. Mainly, not the fear of rejection. I'm tired of living half a life, half a romance and half a career.

To top it off, he still acts like love is a dirty word... let's avoid the topic, "let's not lose our minds"

Well, I know it's early days. Let me just say that even though sometimes I love you, and sometimes I don't feel anything, I can still leave you and I expect the same freedom of choice for you too... Does that make the situation easier now, darling?

Emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence. 

Something they don't teach at schools, yet it's quintessential of a decent human being.

I argued with the 'parents' today... 

I've never taken a course of non-violent communication, but I can just imagine that's what I've been striving for when finally breaching the weeks-long silence... As we were deep amidst the arguing, I felt like saying: Well done, let's get it off of our chests, let it pour, let it get the light of the day... the festering period, the silent rage is not doing anyone any good.

I didn't know how to communicate with my own parents. I was a teenager when I left. Silently, without any explanation. The theme carried on, even when we superficially reconciled.... we just tolerated one another and desperately tried to avoid any conflict. Right, a conflict would have been perceived as bad... For that matter, we tiptoed around one another or retrieved to our perspective caves if a storm was on the horizon... and let me tell you, there's always a storm on the horizon when things are left unsaid. 

I got tired of walking on eggshells.

With this family, I have a chance to start anew. Start bold, fresh, true to myself, leave no stone unturned. 

We argued, we said stuff, we raised voices, I cried, we understood the other, we yielded, we grieved, we listened... we settled.

The storm was over, a rainbow appeared.

It's not wrong to argue. Quite the opposite. Only now I'm learning the 'how-to'.