Being your own... yet thinking of re-vamping it.

A lot of good things began happening as soon as I embraced my shadows and started loving the unloved and shameful parts of myself. I adjusted my life to fit my personality - not the other way around. I never felt like I belonged and so it prompted me to go traveling and explore other cultures. My family home never felt like home, and eventually, we lost it, so I had nothing else and no home to lose since. My strikingly exotic appearance didn't go down too well in an uptight small town in the Czech Republic so I learned to hide - not to stand out, to find safety on the road, and live out of my suitcase... for over 2 decades. Is this type of 'adjustment' still the right fit for me? I think I changed. 

The price I'm paying for my freedom to be a gypsy is obvious now. I'm 34, I have half of my life in storage in the Czech Republic ( oh, one suitcase in Singapore) and the rest of my life is scattered here in England. Most of it is with Jake near Manchester. I'm resting a suitcase and half in a freezing cold hotel room in York... realizing that since I already travel with a water filter jug, all the dry protein mixes and superfoods for breakfast, teas, portable milk frother, yoga mat, and a core strengthening wheel, I might as well start traveling with a portable heater too.

I'm not complaining. I'm just assessing the situation and taking stock of what is still working and what has perhaps run its course.

Sure, I seemingly manifested a dream come true job. My work can send me all over the UK even amidst pandemic lockdowns, I get my travel paid for, then I'm staying with a patient in their home rent-free and get a food allowance too. The compensation is adequate for a stressful job with many responsibilities. I'm a good worker. I'm also too selfish to do this job for much longer... Where has my own vitality gone? My own exercise routine gets a backseat and I have to prioritize a stranger's wellbeing for weeks on end. (Well, I just notified the office that I won't be doing placements longer than 2 weeks at the time max.) I'd like to look after myself more, and also go out to have fun, but I can see how easily I get tired of crowds and recharging at home sounds boring.

I'm not proud of myself for doing this job anymore. I am still hiding... and I'm not gonna get those years back. Moreover, I'm missing him. I know I didn't have to leave up north 2 days earlier... I think I just wanted to remind myself that I'm still independent, I can still do whatever I want during my time off of work and I don't need to rely on him to provide me with a home, or rather - a temporary shelter. Mind you, I should also remember how much that's convenient for him to have me within reach.. and benefit from benefits... Oh hahah. I'm probably playing house for myself. I can't lie, I love spending time with him and near him.

But to think of his home as my home, well, that's still a bit far-fetched. And I'm doing everything in my power to remain independent.. so ... here we go. A freezing hotel room in York and work in Doncaster from 2 days on. A gypsy? Perhaps. I might be tightly holding on to the familiar safety nets. I'm only human. On the other hand, it's super tiring being shoved around by my agency, and then making it worse myself by NOT traveling light and pushing half of my life on wheels around. Very strange, indeed, a very strange job and a very strange life you lead, Pavlina.

Something's shifting. 

When love is budding and you're fully present to its wonderful blossoming

I admit, it feels like it was a different girl crying her eyeballs out not that long ago under a tree in Harrogate, Yorkshire. I couldn't picture how I could ever recover from the heartbreak... and now I feel so silly for that. If only I knew that true love was mere months away and less than 50 miles south!

As the psychic said in January, 2020, my ex has led me to him. This feeling I have right now... As if it all had been written in the stars so precisely and perfectly for me so I could meet this man, appreciate him and stay curious. He's decades older than me and I dig it. I was never fully present with my younger boyfriends even when we could have 50 years ahead together. There was constant mind chatter, doubts, sabotaging, running away from them, and then seeing if they would run after me... so immature, and very ineffective. I don't feel the need to do these things, tricks now. I learned my lessons. There was love some 12 years ago and we became such good friends later, but nothing else lasted. I don’t know why.

I'm obsessed with this man! Don't tell him. Earlier this year, I didn't think that I'd feel the fire in my belly again and be smitten by someone just as much as he would be with me (he tells me so). He's gorgeous, he's youthful, sexy (abs and skin to envy), he's generous, honest, a great dad to his children, he's affectionate and he loves me to bits.

I met his family last week, and the fact that he's not brought anyone home in over 4 years makes me feel, frankly, quite special. 

Anyway, people are scared to speak about the early days in a relationship because it's still so fragile and it feels elusive. Speaking about being in love while we're getting to know each other must be downright foolish! Well, I was wrong many times in the past about certain men even though my intuition would tell me more about them within days, a coupla weeks max. More than I could perceive with my other senses. Fear of emotional intimacy and getting hurrt played a massive role too. I'd either leave right away or stay and complain. I have no regrets about acting foolish then, nor now. This new connection has been on for a coupla months and I still feel great, fascinated, and if anything, the sensations are escalating. Of course, the fact that we see each other nearly every day helps to build trust faster. I find it NOT coincidental that the company I work for gives me work within a walking distance of his house! 

Nothing lasts forever, whether you meet your dream partner in your teens or in your 60's, it's bound to end some day. True love and friendships are immortal. This time, I'm not letting fear get the better of me.. in fact, there's no fear. I'm enjoying every moment.

And last but not least, if I've ever wondered what was the difference between fucking and lovemaking... he's letting me know. He's letting me know real good 😋 Dating me is not that hard. You only need to be honest, helpful, devoted, put up with my quirks, and make love to me at least once every day. Simple.