Flipping the script

My friend Gina told me: "Don't let the environment control you. You control the environment. Flip the script. "

Yes, I am the master of my life; I never followed someone else's blueprint for life or the common narrative anyway. I created my destiny according to my personality, intuition, and aspirations. Admittedly, even that freedom-mindedness has always been underlined with slight anxiety and depression.

I've been coping fine since leaving Jake. Moments of grief would overwhelm me only late in the evening. I keep myself busy. I nearly called him last night, just to...don't know, hear his voice? Feel less anxious? Or get a confirmation that we're better off as friends? But then I started watching a brilliant video that accurately described the narcissistic man he is, and I changed my mind. It's here: https://youtu.be/TLM94DnKkQo

I nearly forgot that he even instructed me on what to wear and how to style my hair when we went out... Why have I ever thought that that was a man for me? I believe the trouble is that after Chris, I blamed myself for being too much in relationships, too avoidant, scared, and maybe not very submissive, so in this relationship, I tried to be the opposite of my authentic natural self, and it backfired. What am I? 15? 

It pays off to document everything on paper. I wrote down how emotionally unavailable Chris was, what he did and said, so now if I find myself missing him, I can remind myself! I still have a couple of diaries to get through, but I successfully burned (shredded) my journals from earlier years, and it felt so liberating. I can't believe all the disheartening stuff I journaled about since 9 years old. Domestic violence, drug abuse, and lots of self-loathing. For details, wait for my biography to come out at some point if I'll feel like re-living these dramas. I'll just divulge that my childhood loves were obviously innocent, oftentimes one-sided, my teenage years and early twenties held a lot of alcohol-filled sexapades, my late twenties focused on my independence, new power and showed my first real heartbreak, early thirties depicted several rubbish men. Up until last week, only a narcissist man was missing in my repertoire. Not anymore.

Moving on, I am so appreciative of this year I spent in England, having kind of settled up north, found one or two friends, and discovered that I could be a super carer. But having had the pleasure of going over my personal timeline in a nutshell again... it became clear that I can't suppress the force of nature that I am anymore. My life used to be fun! And I feel that in enjoying myself, surrounded by my spiritual soul-family, always following my own lead, and working for myself - I was actually helping a lot more people feel better than I've helped in this past year. Something's gotta give. If you've been following me for a while, you know the conclusion I came to and the decision I need to do to claim back my life, my pussy, my joy, and live again all turned on! No, I'm not gonna become a whore, but an inevitable move is happening soon. 

This time around I do have a vision. 

The only thing that separates us from living a better life, reaching for our dreams by demonstrating brave actions is our fear. And I vowed to never live in fear again.

Loving a narcissist

Thursday: I packed my bags in one-quick sweep. I remained dead serious when he run upstairs to see what I was doing. Tears started trickling down my face. My patience has run out. Okay, I’ve left him half-heartedly already a month ago, without drama, saying I was going to Czechia to clear my head. Then I made the mistake to interpret missing him as needing to come back to him and give us another chance. I thought, perhaps he wasn’t a gaslighting narcissist, a man twisting my words, disregarding my truth, and creating a reality I never wanted. Perhaps I was the crazy one, a messed up girl not knowing what and who is good for her.

I came back to the UK on Saturday night and from Sunday afternoon we haven’t done anything but argue. Consequently, he broke his back on Monday, drunken fall down the stairs, and things turned even gloomier. The hostility between him and his daughter also grew much more palpable. Was I blind to what was really going on between them? Is she the ungrateful bitch he has her for or is her resentment towards him actually just? I wished I could get to know her better.
Then there were new issues at his work and the never-ending rant against humanity. But I’ve always had plenty of excuses for his temper.

He thinks he’s superior, always correct, justly radical, an alpha male, a protector who cannot even run and wouldn’t hurt a fly, yet he can scream and shout and threaten. I began feeling re-traumatized by the low frequencies of anger, blame, and frustration that I knew so well from my own broken home.

Yet on Thursday night there he was, somewhat managing to mumble “I’m sorry”, stop me from zipping up the suitcase, hide it away, and say he’d bolt the door. Some lighthearted diffusing of the heavily loaded situation followed, it even got me laughing. I saw the lonely boy within him, the one damaged by his late bully father, the boy who came from nothing and never admitted to a single wound. 3 broken marriages and 2 messed up daughters (in their own words).

But what good is excusing someone’s behavior when they can never take responsibility for seeing to their side of the fault? After his "I’m sorry", which is very scarce, doesn't follow any new reaction… absolutely nothing changes.

It could have appeared that what set me off was his constant defensiveness of his nightly pub-going. His stance about being forever correct, and my opinions being always off. 

But what set me off was his unconsciousness. He continues to hide it behind quick temper, daily rants, drinking, pointless arguments, and a lack of self-inquiry. His blocked-up mind is what’s disappointing, in fact, it’s so disgusting it sets me off.

From Saturday, my suitcases and clothes laid sophistically on the bedroom floor and on the chair that it would always be easy to throw it all back in and go.
Since then it has been rubbish, nothing but fights, not listening to one another, defending our rights, plus very, very bad sex. Possibly due to his bad back and an aura of powerlessness about his work. Where was the alpha man he had me believe in?

I thought that my body began betraying me… but no, what happened was the biggest prophecy I’ve ever received. I experienced the most painful period I’ve not had in years. And as soon as it finished, that night when he stopped me from packing and going, the IBS fired off … and it went on for the whole weekend. I was desperate. I could not pinpoint the exact trigger. Except for underlying stress. The stress of being trapped in a home of a narcissist.

My friend Gina gave me a nice pep talk and said that I could always come to hers. Even then I was so afraid to leave him - I knew it would have to be final, wholehearted, with all my love intact. I was attached. He gave me a home. The familiar unstable home I had when I was growing up. Sadly, his presence no longer lit me up. Orgasms no longer roared throughout my body, in fact, I did not want him to more than hug me and give me a sense of safety again.

I was spending my days away from him and his wrath in a coworking place. His wrath towards work, his back, his family, and the sheeple. Even though I didn’t like his daily drinking, I could not notice that he was happier after he drank. He persistently tell me that 6 pints of beer every night, topped with a large glass of wine or gin and tonic is normal. He got irritated if I dared to say that I didn't think so. Anyway, despite my disapproval of his obvious addiction, I was glad that at least he was returning home as the happy drunk. Some nights we continued drinking together. Talk about a bad influence... After I cried a river on Thursday, we made up. 

Yet the next day nothing changed... I knew I had to get out. I didn't know how to approach Gina again.

Monday: I felt my heart in my throat, but I announced that I decided to go to Gina’s on Friday, before I start to work the week after. He wasn’t happy, urging me to save money for rent and food, telling me he loved me, we should be together and he'd look after me, but I guess that postponing my move seemed a good enough ‘compromise’. For now.

But things escalated that night. I shared with him something that happened in my coworking place, a very irrelevant banal thing to me, yet... I thought I'd never hear the end of it.

I knew that jealousy was another of his problems. Yet I fail to estimate how much of an impact my sharing can make on him.
Suddenly, I’m wrong, I'm a cheater for giving out my phone number (and telling him about it)
To my utter surprise, his daughter steps in and is on my side. She fights with his father on behalf of all women, to cut us some slack when we feel pushed to the corner to give out our real phone number.

In her words: we’re called bitches if we downright express that we’re not interested in someone, or their help, and women get murdered for acting like bitches...

He did not listen to her, surprise, surprise. As always, his rant sounded like a broken record playing only one point of view, his… no one else could chip in, or dare to think they're right. It was so sad and ridiculous to watch.

I run upstairs to console her. We ended up chatting properly for the very first time in 4 months.
It’s was so disheartening… because the things she told me only confirmed what I knew already.
Her father was a loser, narcissist, drunk, and more.

If something appears too good to be true, it is.

Only narcissists start from the top of the hill - aka I love you, I wanna marry you, help you with this and that, and then rapidly plummet, no more dining out, no more affection, supposed help, no compromises, forgiveness to faults, and in the end, they 'fire you', you are all wrong and crazy. (Inspired by a funny video on ticktock and - 💯 my experience.)

Tuesday (yesterday): I leave him for good. Not much drama, he sees the packed suitcases after he’s well slept, we fight, but we part with love, grace, and in peace.
In a hotel, away from him, I’m crying, missing him, shivering, I have no appetite, feel lost and so lonely, I long for his masculine embrace, for reassurance that everything will be alright… but deep down I know that if I last, stick to my truth, my boundaries, find my own aliveness again… I know that this drug withdrawal, too, shall pass.

Wednesday (today): I wake up after solid 10 hours of sleep... I feel free, healthier, perhaps even happy, my pussy tingles, and I know it's a very, very good sign... I am convinced that I'm not crazy, I'm a good person, I'm very stable and independent, in fact, I'm my very own best therapist.

I move to Gina's and get back to work in the coworking place. My book is nearly ready.

I stopped saying that I can't believe I had 2 breakups this year. I'm changing my self-deprecating talk to a more empowering one: 

This is my second chance at being single this year. A far happier one than the first.

I had to learn my lessons the hard way. I’m not the helpless little girl he’d love me to be, to look up to him, need his shit support, boost his ego to my detriment. But it could have been far worse. 

Reach out to me to summon the courage you need to leave where you don't belong. x

#selflove #breakup #narcissisticabuse #abandonmentrecovery #healing

Flat Earth

Just a very arbitrary update - realizing that the Earth just might be flat has produced feelings that I can only describe as immense groundedness and safety.

So there you are. I'm a totally convinced flat-earther now. 

My man mentioned it ages ago, and I turned my eyes upwards... like, what else is gonna come out of this crazy conspiracy theorist? But this morning, I came across the perfect videos, discussions, memes, what not... The Earth just might really be flat. Why haven't I opened the links he has sent me weeks ago? I've always been on his side when it came to the p(l)andemic and other stuff, but to question the ancient Greeks and Galileo? That was too much. On the other hand, I love him, trust him and hey, I knew about the corruption in media and everything, so... I replied nothing and put that info in the compartment of my mind that stored everything questionable. 

I did question his comment, albeit silently, because that's my nature. To question first, then either dismiss, accept, or research!... I was curious, I was open-minded.... then suddenly, the right sources found me, As they say, you can't be a prophet in your own 'family'! Right, I'm not looking forward to the discussions that will follow in my own family, once I reach the Czech Republic.

To speak, or to be quiet and agreeable?

Bye, bye, England!

Sometimes you're under the influence. Of someone else. 

You don't realize how much of what you're thinking and feeling comes from their overpowering character, ehm, from their manipulation? I'm not the one to not take responsibility for my actions. I understand how much my desire to have a home, stability, and a masculine giver to take the lead controlled me... But hell, how much I hate being controlled! I had a feeling that I was losing the sense of my real self but I didn't have the heart to break up with Jake. Instead, I fled to 'take a break' in another country... I thought I'd miss him but... nothing so far.

Last year I did something similar. However, not because I was losing my feelings towards Chris, it was the opposite. I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him, yet I felt unwanted. I went home to 'reset' and at the same time, I couldn't wait to be back in Chris's arms! Yes, I sabotaged it a few times, despite really wanting to be with him. No wonder we kinda wasted the momentum. 

This year, my decision could look like the same ol' story, but it feels very different. Jake was just a plaster on an already healing wound. That's why it only took 3 months to see it through.

What brought this budding relationship to the end was quite surprising. How come that I found someone who ticked nearly all of the boxes and I still wasn't happy? Because one of the boxes was taken for granted: Accepts my past, I can be fully myself around him. I knew it could be quite difficult to accept, given how old-fashioned Jake is, but I'm probably too open-minded to understand how could he not in the end...? So even though he got over it, supposedly, the comments wouldn't stop... do you think it's nice to be reminded that I'm not 'perfect', a saint?? In god's eyes I am quite alright, an angel still. After a small conflict where I'd be fighting for my freedom of self-expression, perhaps even approval of my secret trauma, we'd enter a harmonious period again. Then I'd utter something, jokingly... and there we'd go again. It just never stopped. Anything I mentioned that was outside of the scope of his belief - or empathy for that matter - was wrong. I could not help but start to feel increasingly insecure. Now, would you like to spend your life with someone who makes you think you're not good/innocent/correct enough? Who creates a sensitive spot based on your long-gone past, therefore, doesn't get your humor about it, which then causes you to walk on eggshells around the topic, and around him? I can't. I want to be accepted and be with someone who can see my experiences like I see them - in an empowering light, a blessing in disguise. 

I'm sorry but I can't shrink to make way for your feeling better about your own insecurities. I'm off for good. Jake looked like he could offer me what I wanted, but clearly, it isn't what I need. This short romance did serve a good purpose as a rebound... So well, here's my medicine. It made me appreciate Chris a lot and release any remaining grief. Anyway, all chapters are closed. We oughta leave when the purpose has been served and we know there are no more treasures to be discovered. Bye, bye England, you were ... fine, but not my cup of tea.