Coping mechanisms, separating the story from the facts

Just a few moments ago I was writing another blog post in my head, preparing to add a few hilarious "the shit that men say" moments. ... But then I stopped myself at the tracks.

In fact, we're all in the same boat, just navigating life and relationships in distinctive ways, making a whole lot of unnecessary mess on the way. I am deeply grateful for the chaps that I've met, bumped into, heard about, or kissed in the past. They too get confused and sometimes downright depressed in this mad, mad world with its mad, mad people just like you and I. It's not always easy being a human. 

Yes, I thought I'd pee my pants the next time another left out man tells me that his ex WANTED to be a single mum... and I actually nearly did on Wednesday, I thought wtf came over the men here in Mexico, but today I remembered that rejection sucks, and the more believable reasons we find to accept that it wasn't 'our fault', the faster we survive it. However, most men are oblivious to how they're consoling themselves...

I don't think that a woman wakes up and suddenly wants to be/become a single mum. She'd rather be that than parenting with a coward. She's still going to look for a hero to join her side. Unless she's given up, then yes, single mum will do for her. Women have more balls than men. 

Another coping mechanism of men that I can understand and even came to ADORE, it's their way of compressing the messiness of human conflict into ONE word. For example, a woman asked - What happened between you and him? responds in a drawn-out, muddy, and complex way, stating a mix of detailed emotions with questionable particulars... and that's exactly it - was that really what happened - are these facts? I used to be no different. Separating my experience, the story, from the facts became key. I invented truths that I kept near and dear to my heart, rehashing them in my mind over and over, making myself sick! What evidence do we have of our story being true if the communication between us and them was poor? There were facts, stick to those, strip them off of emotion,s and rephrase the story.

What happened? Ask a man, he'll say Different schedules. Both could tell you a story... an emotional one where they're clearly lost as to what exactly happened. If you don't know, don't go there. Model that male standard, lady. Say Miscommunication. Done. No need to go into details of how much he resembled your ex who crushed your heart by doing blah blah and saying blah, you don't actually know, you made up a story which then seemed true enough, yet it's still piercing your heart years later every time you remember it. 

Look, men are barely grown-up little boys, they too have feelings, dreams, aspirations... sometimes we can't meet in the middle. But I have faith that with patience, understanding of our masculine and feminine polarities, then sticking to the facts when arguing, we can eventually get there.

Breaking the pattern of dating the wrong or unavailable men

There are plenty of fish in the sea… why didn’t anyone tell you? Hang on, everyone told you! It’s hard to believe it when you’re dealing with grief over losing someone. Some breakups are even, meaning both suffer more or less the same, yet your journeys simply separated. Other breakups are very uneven, one mourns a lot more than the other, perhaps because the other half moved on with someone else a long time ago. On top of the feelings of loneliness, you now have jealousy to deal with.
All can be dealt with relatively fast, healing the present and past damages too. I’m always available to help you with that.

Let’s have a look at an example when if you’re new to the dating scene, you seem to attract not quite the right fish.

Is there old energy that needs shifting?

Dating can be interesting, it really can! Albeit, in the beginning, you might feel exhausted after giving a few men the chance to flirt with you, yet nothing comes out of it. Don’t let the wrong fish discourage you. 

The truth is, even if they were the only fish in the pond, they might not be your fish. The good news is that there are other ponds, rivers, lakes, and seas to explore! 

Why keep your standards and not settle? 

For example, my sister dated a smoker for a year, all the while complaining about it, to then split up with him anyway. If cigarettes or drugs are a red flag, red flags will never turn into pretty little trees.

The pattern of feeling attraction to unavailable men can be broken.

Just keep a few things in mind. First, men don’t change.
Period.
Women change, which sometimes shakes men to the core, so much that they decide to run. Most people don’t do well with unpredictability.
Masculine energy is stable, and men with more masculine than feminine energy will not change. What you see is what you get.
How you found them, that’s how they’ll continue being. How many times did you have to convince yourself of that fact?

You could keep saying: That’s a shame, with all his self-awareness, why won’t he do something about his vices?
Wanna hear another hard truth? He doesn't see those as vices.

Ask yourself: What does this experience teach you?

• It’s not your monkey, not your circus. Stay away from drama.
• You need to work on your self-love and self-worth, even if it is a daily effort. You really aren’t that confident if you keep hating your face and body. You cannot have high self-esteem if you don’t feel good about yourself, and you can’t feel good about yourself if you keep nagging yourself and listening to your negative self-talk. Who else is supposed to love you if not you? 
• Always be mindful of not projecting your pain from past betrayals… that’s gone. If anything, you’ve learned that your heart didn’t break. You get to meet much, much better men to replace those who lack integrity. 
• Do not compare yourself to any ex-partners of your new fish, and definitely not to people you admire. They all have a different path and destiny to fulfill. 
• Don’t go back into the same vicious cycle. 

I’ll borrow from Dr. Kelly Brogan and her video: What to do when you’re disappointed (available only to members on her private platform)

“There it is again. Move on. The pattern is exactly the same as it’s ever been.” - Kelly Brogan MD.


Focusing on some dreamy potential simply doesn’t work. It’s never been available in the first place; just choose to walk away. “Have the courage to see with clear eyes, acknowledge what’s in front of you.” And that it’ll never be different.
Kelly advocates to remind yourself that you have choices. Use affirmations such as:
“I choose to source what I need from places where it’s available. “

Stop the expectations, anticipation, projected fantasy, perpetuating of childhood pain; you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I hope you enjoyed this little summary as much as I dig this whole topic of breaking patterns altogether!


Happy breaking of patterns! x

Clearing, healing, and adapting

The shit that men say satire could go on forever and ever... so it came as a breath of fresh air that someone I met organically and had a spontaneous chat with (in Czech!) actually didn't talk shit.

Yesterday, I got triggered by someone commenting s h i t on my opinion on social media. A stranger of the internet, thinking they know me? They were wondering, apparently, I surprised them by expressing myself like that. "You never talk to me like that" - It would have been funny if it was not meant to be serious. Unsolicited ownership of my media persona. I am surprised that this daringness of strangers thinking they know me still hasn't ceased to surprise me! Forgive me if I'm showing too much of my human side. With all my spiritual self-awareness and meditation training, those odd annoyances still happen. Luckily, my ouvert reaction doesn't last long.

I was able to keep an open mind and open heart when I sat down for an NLP session later on. This time I didn't recognize the third of the group. It was an insightful session, our host Mirella is excellent at what she does and you can tell she's awake, aware, and very intelligent! Afterward, I was introduced to a guy who was also supposed to be Czech, yet we kept talking in English, funny. After half an hour I got him to speak in our native language. It was nice either way. 

Were you thinking that I have nothing good to say about men? Well, how about this: I confess that harbored a silent contempt for Czech men, specifically Prague born... hold and behold, this meeting was so fun that I decided it would be nice to see him again. We shared the same views regarding our culture, language and it looked like his childhood wasn't a walk in paradise either. All in all, it was the most interesting interaction I had with a man since I left England in November.

Funny that the encounter came after I "cleared space."

Not only have I had an argument with Jake the night before and was able to not think about him the whole day, that following morning I also tried an unusual meditation... In fact, I can't wait to do it again today! (I woke up at 5am today and have been creative ever since, so I'll wait for the dreaded slump first!)

I was tapping on my anxiety and fear regarding my finances, my decision to be a full-time healer here in Mexico, and all the previous failed attempts at being financially independent. There was something else... an underlying desire to be rescued. I tapped on that too... like, why the hell do I like being rescued? Why, when I'm rescued by a man, I don't like the dynamic we have together? Why do I resent my rescuer, why don't I still feel free, why does rescuing make me feel trapped, yet safe, and why is it that I require it in the first place???

OMG. I got transported back in time... I was a slave... and the one who bought me became my master, someone I admired, yet also dreaded and... well, I'm not gonna go into details. First - I've never done past life regression on myself, I've had glimpses of my witch and druid life before, but never went too deep into it because I didn't know how, second - I'm afraid that my imagination would get the better of me and the details would resemble too much of what I've seen in the movies. True.

Nevermind, that realization of the master/slave dynamic playing roles in my life was very real. I could recount a few examples where it was clear that the relationship wasn't equal. Respectful and fulfilling many existential needs, but not equal.

That tapping session made me weep, and break some soul-contracts I carried from past lives. It brought upon a cathartic shift. I could not pinpoint the change then, but I felt lighter and better. I switched on Dr. Joe Dispenza guided meditation, and I had further breakthroughs then. Now I know that I can write a new story.

I woke up refreshed and feeling so free and independent. That's what I call cleaning the house from the inside out!

I'm gonna make Mexico my home. I have nowhere else to go. Not sure what part it is going to be, but I'm here for a reason and I'll make the most of it.

The shit that men say

I’ve not had many singular interactions with men since I arrived to Mexico. I only went to a handful of social events but stuck with females, or I stayed in and kept to myself, especially, when I was processing all the recent changes.

However, I’m not an invisible lady… I get stopped by guys on the street, asked for my number on the beach, sent private messages from strangers on social media, and generally, there’s no escaping the human nature. We’re social creatures and we like to mate.

I agreed to go on dates with 4 men.

Here are 4 interactions that have left me puzzled, amused, downright bewildered and beguiled again, not quite in a charming way!

1.

“I don’t know where you picked up your wisdom but I … studied with these gurus, shamans, coaches, healers…”

Ah, if you have to tell me why you consider yourself a wise conscious man at your 50 something years of age, then you probably haven’t learned all that much from all these people. I thought that mature people no longer cared what other people thought about them. Perhaps I was mistaken. 

So… I studied and traveled too. But MY own wisdom comes from God. I could have stayed put for that to happen.

Nearly 20 years difference between us, yet I’m the one who doesn’t feel the need to prove herself. To anyone. Maybe it’s got something to do with my Human Design*. I was born that way! :)

2.

“It’s all good, Love, peace and magic”  While signing off an e-mail or a WhatsApp message.

In person it was no different - all rainbows and unicorns for this male hippie!

I like hippies , I just don’t consider myself as one anymore.

So… needless to say, 1 date was plenty.

Why?

We all know deep down that we are love. But the real world, especially, right now, is not all love and light. Humans do have a shadow, the moment I embraced mine and learned to peacefully coexist with it, everything changed! I’m no angel, but I’m no devil either. Love and light wouldn’t exist without the ability to recognize their opposites - fear and darkness. Then there are the gray lines in between. Everything has a shadow to it. So come on, man, give me some real stuff to talk about!

I call this toxic positivity.

3.

“Don’t be lazy.”

Hahahahaha has that ever worked on anyone? Has that command ever been good for anything?

It doesn’t sound very motivating to me. 

I know that we’re not all coaches or or healers.

So I sympathize. 

Would I use this phrase “Don’t be lazy” with my clients? to help someone summon back their productivity?

Would you use it on yourself when you’re procrastinating?

Nah. There is so much self-doubt behind procrastination. It could even be the inner knowing that what you think you must do is, in fact, not for you/not the right path/not the right solution/ it might even goes against your values. You’re not doing it because you don’t want to. And the paralyzing effect is created by your guilt and shame.

So…. Don’t be lazy as a response to my: I came to Bacalar to work on something but so far I’ve been procrastinating, and not quite doing it… Don’t be lazy.

Aaaaah I just wanna cringe when I hear this.

Instead I replied: See you on Sunday.

Lazy is the farthest from who I am. And if this guy actually met me in person first, perhaps then he’d understand. However, that statement helped me realize what’s really up. 

At my worst, I deal with so much second-guessing of myself, it’s debilitating. 

I am so happy for my self-awareness and for not reacting when someone triggers me. It’s got nothing to do with them anyway.

So I switched gears. I’ve proceeded to do something ELSE than what I set out to do. Something more aligned, and it worked.

Lazy is definitely the wrong word… but hey, perhaps he was nervous about arranging a date with me and just wanted to be ‘helpful’.

Well, he, everyone, deserves another chance, so I’ll go and meet him and see… but there’s already a small minus point. Lol

4.

“I felt this connection between us”

(Yes, I was saving the best shit for the end)

I felt this connection between us… Seriously???? I thought that this phrase was extinct already. 

What the fuck connection? Tell me, wtf?

You said hello to me. Afterward, this girl passed on to you my business card and then you wanted to have a meeting and chat about something spiritual… Fine. Don’t give me that connection bullshit.

After an okayish meeting where you at least seemed ‘non-threatening’ and didn’t bore me to death, I identified you as the man fond of 1000 flavors (my invented label for those connoisseurs that will always, always reach for the next best, more flavorful, entertaining, affectionate, enlivening thing. There’s no stopping them on their quest for chasing pleasure).

I know I might be exaggerating here. But I do give people second chances precisely because I’m afraid that I judge/evaluate people too hastily.

On the second or third date (third chance even!), I then wonder why I abused myself like that.

Now this man is not a bad man. He cheats on his wife with his best female friend, but hey, his wife knows… so it’s not cheating.But fuck, I’m just stunned why do I keep attracting men like these into my energy field.

It’s time to break it to him as he seems to not be getting it: What connection!? What?! I can’t feel it, man!

Ah, I miss my man back in England so much.

He’s wise and nurturing without talking about it, he doesn’t deny there’s evil in the world, sometimes spiraling down just like a human being, yet keeps quickly coming back to love, he motivates me, not scolds me, and he knows there is a timeless inexplicable connection between us without ever using that trashy phase to get me. 

* Splenic Projector has defined spleen and heart - centers of self-worth and high intuition. Defined third eye and throat - so I know who I am, and undefined crown chakra - so lot of wisdom can come in from the Divine. I love Human Design charts and interpretations. Contact me if you want us to look at yours!

Yearning for connection when alone, and craving solitude when being social

Do you also have days when you don't wanna see or speak with anyone?

They contradict our innermost desire to connect and feel part of a tribe.

These contrasting days have been quite frequent for me lately. I noticed how much they deviated from the fear of abandonment that followed right after my breakup. Not many people could withstand spending Christmas holidays UTTERLY alone, yet, it was what I wanted and I wasn't feeling lonely. I received invites to parties and events left and right, I could just pick one and go. There were festive lunches, dinners, beach dances, spiritual conscious (sober) gatherings, boozy brunches, you name it. Some of these meetings would only cost me my own brought food and anything I'd bring to drink. I decided on none of these events. I gathered my own little pieces, cozied up on the sofa to binge-watch the Harlem series (finished! 😩😭), and I calmly proceeded to heal a common cold. The second one in less than 2 months, but this time around it lasted more than 2 days and really needed my attention. The radiation at the airport, a new diet with more GMO corn, a tougher exercise regime, and splitting up from someone I love but cannot imagine my life with got me good.

I felt quite happy resting in my tiny rented apartment in Playa Del Carmen.  It's what I chose.

Once I got over the period of healing my body and my heart in solitude, I started seeing a couple of friends again. I'm beginning with small doses. Busy social life is not on my bucket list, but it's becoming more and more apparent that we cannot do this life alone. I appreciate the new connections that I created here. However, the calling to keep recharging in solitude will always be present.

Be fine with turning into an extroverted introvert or introverted extrovert. Both imply that we like the company of other people - sometimes!

I hope you enjoyed the holidays, whether you celebrated or not, or were, in fact, off work. 

This is a critical time to assemble as much positivity as we can. The world is madder than ever, very murky in places with high control, mandates in place, and many unemployed people.

I sympathize with all.

Best,

Pavlina

No more division please

Everything he says against 'them' leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

My family accepts me the way I am... unvaccinated. And I accept them the way they are...vaccinated.  I was always love and light, while being aware of the shadows.... what happened?

I'm not gonna listen to anyone who takes black or white sides... or anyone who denies either.

Hate and contempt breed hate and contempt. 

I still believe that nothing except energy is contagious. We are all ONE. One energy. We have to take care of it.