Monday, March 29, 2021

It's always the darkest before the dawn

I've been feeling into the recent changes, new commitments, my conscious choice not to numb myself, the inevitable breakdowns that followed, and recovering the will to move forward. Is that what they mean by adulting?

I feel everything these days, maybe it's because I don't drink alcohol to numb, ward off my thoughts and emotions as something to be ashamed of. I don't get a foggy brain from too much flour and sugar, and I don't go hunting for men to exchange a sense of a deep loss for superficial climaxes.

I committed to my employment as a carer and my calling of a healer and life coach. At least for now, I'm fully in.

Commitments have always seemed scary to me. I've been the type who had one foot in, one foot out. Since I preached to become my best coach and client - I decided to place both my feet in one direction. I started aligning with my highest values despite seeing such little evidence of those virtues in my life. Like unconditional love, honesty, stability, and family. I must start creating those with the hope that these ideals exist.

Let's get to the point of today's post.

The best thing about managing a blog that you write and not censor is that you can speak a lot of bullshit to cover up your mistakes and present only a one-sided story!

What is the truth behind all this mess I found myself in? Why am I suddenly so adamant to change? The breakup wasn't a surprising event. My lack of commitment in the past drove all men mad and in the end, away from me. The potential (good) relationships collapsed because I kept pushing love away and showed my non-committal, hot and cold side the most. Self-defence, maybe. And also so frickin' childish from me. I literally committed to no thing, no place, and no person. And the boy knew it too. Would those qualities look attractive to me in a man? Nope.

I must stay present. It's too easy to drift off and imagine myself de-stressing on a beach in Tulum or dancing to shamanic beats in Bali. It would be doable to pack my bag and leave even during this pandemic. But I've been reacting in that manner all my life. The hardest part is to observe and FEEL that it's not been working out for me well. It's psychosis-inducing to feel like there's no ground beneath my feet, I'm so lost to the point where I think it's all a big nightmare and hopefully, I'll wake up soon. The breakup and disappearance of someone I thought I loved shattered my illusions about what could be possible in my love life. I can’t have it all? Now I want to find the line between big dreams and practicalities, and crush it.

By staying present and focused, the sense of what's possible for me, even if it's with someone else, is coming back. I still occasionally spiral down the dark pitch where I blame myself for everything, but as they say - it takes two to tango. Some of his actions - or no actions - prompted my old wounds to open and shit ensued. If you know what the other person can't stand, then stop doing it. Well, he likes his space, so I'm focusing on my own. I'm creating space for someone who’ll appreciate that I've lived, loved and learned. I've done the hardest part - I uncovered my shadow, loved the unloved parts of myself, accepted them, and worked on feeling worthy of having both freedom and stability too.

It's always the darkest before the dawn they say. A week ago, I crumbled in front of my male friend on Skype, sobbing that I could use advice from masculine energy to give me a sense of direction. He stopped me in my tracks. He said: "You traveled back to the UK with the intention to get back together with someone who doesn't deserve you, you committed to the work that you know it's not your destination but it can finance your business... How's that for direction?" 

It was so incredibly empowering. He was right. I can do this. For a few months at least, before I fully heal and will be financially strong to move on to a full-time holistic career. And the right man? Well, he'll appear when I commit to releasing the past and all the blocks that prevent me from believing that I can experience genuine love.

Bloody full moon in Libra!

"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back." - Florence + The Machine

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Self-healing with dance, fun, and pleasure

I've never heard anyone say: "Wow, this was so much fun, I felt too much pleasure, let's not have this much fun again please!" Said no one ever. But some people might feel that way. Not me.

These days it’s perhaps better to have an all-or-nothing mindset.

In my case, I'm not interested in just fun. There are men who are intriguing enough to satisfy both my imagination when it comes to sex and even the thought that perhaps they have something valuable to offer long-term.

Meanwhile, have plenty of fun on your own. I'm not addressing only self-pleasuring, but that too. I’ve been busy exploring my surroundings lately. Recent trips to Knaresborough and Brimham Rocks were my favorite. What magical places! And next week my work will bring me into yet another uncharted  territory.

If you’re somewhere too familiar, get creative, especially, if you’re single. Reach out to your friends and take mini trips. It's kinda funny if you know people who avidly follow pornstars and sexy plus-size models on Instagram, yet they wouldn’t even text a horny girl next door who used to be a sex worker... just saying. Watching ‘fun’ is not the same as being proactive and creating it! Get busy.

I'm healing. While lingering in small remnants of grief might not be the right place to fall in love again, just yet, it is the perfect place to bring more joy and pleasure into my life. Whatever that may look like. Dancing my heart and my butt out is pretty satisfying too!

Then there are the little things. Like sipping a quality oat mocha from Love Brownies shop in the Harrogate town center, sitting in front of a row of beautiful Primroses, and watching life go by. Bliss...

Friday, March 19, 2021

When you're torn between the head and the heart / sense and sensibility

Yes, the masculine and the feminine are completely different.

But they can communicate and hear each other out.

This is a mega healing exercise from two hours ago, and admittedly, it's a little out there! lol. Enjoy:

After my late dance workout, I noticed that I've felt much better, alive, more confident, and ready to screw all the recent bullshit I was going through and the unending grief that kept me paralyzed. In fact, I was ready to move to Mexico the next week! Or perhaps Costa Rica. 

Or was I?

As I was looking at my face in the mirror, it was spotting this uncanny smirk... I felt weirdly attracted to it, but I also despised it. I looked like a woman who was bitchy, ready to fuck and not give a fuck - something like that. However, it was only the left half of my face... 

At first, it looked sexy-ish, a slight smile just to the one side of the face, and a twinkle in the eye, also only on the left side... and so I began observing what was going on with the right side. Again, at first, I assumed I had some post-workout happy-sweaty expression, I also cried a bit (dance has me spill out all the emotions within me), so my mascara was all over, my hair was dishevelled, and the grin just topped the funny look. so... I did a little test, I hid the right half of the face with my hand and just observed my left - feminine - side. It looked suggestive and ruthless, then I switched hands and uncovered my right - masculine - side... it was stoic. Absolutely emotionless expression and what the fuck, I tried to smile with the corner of my mouth and it didn't move! It couldn't go upward - it wasn't able to smile! Moreover, the eye looked empty. I felt empty. It freaked me out.

I sat down on the mat, my head in my hands.... am I having a stroke? No. I knew that there was a conflict within me... what was up?

I covered my feminine eye, and I felt into the masculine. Initially, I felt stillness and peace, no-mind, so I dropped down into the heart chakra... What are you feeling my dear man? And him - I - began to sob! Very masculine style of sobbing when you're not completely breaking down, and you're not even obsessively thinking or knowing why you're crying, but the tears are just streaming. So I split myself in three. It was the woman (we'll get to her), the man and me - the higher self. I embraced myself and stroked my arms and in between sobs I was reassuring the man that I and her are here to hold him... I didn't ask any further questions.

I shifted places and I covered the masculine and inquired into my feminine... Why were you sneering my dear and what is it that you want? The woman in me, definitely the most dominating essence of my being, sometimes completely ruining my life... told me that she wants to go someplace far away from T. (Chris), that she's done with him, and she's ready to go and let loose... and then the man stepped in and whispered: She's running away from rejection. But she cannot escape it till she accepts it and heals. She'll keep forever escaping herself. It's not the first time and won't be the last time if she goes. 

I knew. The woman there suddenly feels into her heart... and she feels this pang, it's hollow, hurts like hell and she knows she's so scared of pain, so so scared of another breakup happening in the future... she just wants to run and be free of this pain. She's broken and she thinks that fun will 'fix' her. She doesn't shed a tear, yet she calms down...

I go back to the masculine and I ask him... What would you advise her? Can you help her? Hold her safe? Help her find stillness, you're so good with it... Again, my masculine communicates without too many words or emotions... it just gives me deep inner wisdom and knowing... He tells me that I - us - need to find my focus first. And that I can do it wherever I am, even here in the UK. That I must heal and forgive myself first.

I missed Chris so much, but I was also angry at him, the feminine in me was. The masculine in me surprised me with its compassion and a newly discovered sensibility.

I go to my woman for the last time and I feel completely different energy... she's heard her companion. He used to seem oppressive to her, always too practical and full of orders and restrictions upon her... but now she sees that he also saved her from trouble so many times before. She's willing to listen. And at least wait with booking the flight tickets until next week. The man is very confident that some happy news and new opportunities (and more thought) will come up this weekend. Yes, she feels more positive too. 

My conflicted sides embrace and make peace and decide on holding their horses. No deadline for healing. But it must be done before any move happens. Breakups suck but they must be felt and dealt with fully. I nearly felt my jawline relaxing and my face evening out...

Well, my higher self is saying - we can still go to Mexico! But perhaps not on Monday. LET'S DEVISE A LONG-TERM PLAN FIRST.


Thursday, March 18, 2021

I'm determined to be my own best client and coach

Why do we seek advice from others? Because they see things clearer than we do?
Others simply keep us accountable for our actions or non-actions. Your friend or personal coach is not afraid to call you out on your bullshit. You know where you err... so are you gonna do something about it?

What better way to market myself as a life coach than getting my life back together and lead by example. The journey is the destination. Where was I a fraud? I am determined to give myself everything I'm worthy of, everything I need and desire first. I uncovered my bullshit, and I'm done regretting past choices. My current pain is the make or break moment that will help me understand others at crossroads far better!

I can start coaching before I become perfect because I'm an example of getting back on track when shit hits the fan. I'm setting boundaries in relationships/friendships, keeping an optimistic outlook, keep eating clean, exercising daily, and breaking addictions - I'm living what I preach.

I'm now giving myself permission to date someone healthy for me in due time who'll treat me right. Someone who'll truly see us together long-term. A stable, generous, down to earth, supportive, happy, healthy, eligible bachelor soo in love with me. 

And of course, him being a little weird is okay since I’m not completely normal either!
I'm going to stop in my tracks as soon as I spot red flags. There were soooo many with Chris, I even wrote them down! This is not a good time to focus on a person's potential. He wasn't a client paying for that. I had to acknowledge the reality that he'd never invest much thought in his growth, to begin with. I was addicted to digging for pleasure where there was an overwhelming pain.
This one is tough to break, but addictions are.

I’ve never before understood that I had to be my own best coach and client first. I always knew the transformation theory, but I wasn't keeping myself accountable for staying on track even when shit hit the ceiling. Funny.
Well, it's never too late to start correcting my own steps!

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

From a loser to a free spirit to a life coach

Do you also have a friend who sorts of 'inspires' you to feel bad about yourself? Not their fault at all. What they say or do just simply triggers something in you that would have otherwise chilled in the background. Until they, or too much wine, bring the subject up.

A phone convo:

"We decided to work on a second child..."

Wow, that's amazing!

"We realized we have good stable jobs and frankly, we've gotten kinda lazy physically, you know, we're not the youngest..." (and she's still 3 years younger than you).

Oh, shut up about the age...but I'm really happy for you two (and I truly am) Enjoy the process of working on becoming pregnant!

"Haha, you know I'm not so into that [sex], but I love being a mother..."

Upon hearing that you start sinking into your old, or current, story. My recent story is that of a sad breakup. I fucking love sex, I miss it and I'd kill to be a mum!

Then you go further, you wanna be a parent to at least one child (yesterday would have been great), your heart is filled with so much love to give... your parental instincts woke up quite recently... because you met an idiot disguised as the special guy... So I zone out and desperately try to shun back the burning tears, but it's too late, a few began rolling.... still, I'm not gonna cry my eyeballs out, not today, not now standing in front of Marks and Spencers.

Do I seem like a loser to you? I ask her, my best friend of x years whom I adore so much for her organized personality, her unconditional acceptance and her determination to make life as comfortable as she can - for herself and her family.

"Are you kidding me? You've always been a free spirit and experienced so many things and places I've only dreamed about. Whenever I speak with you I feed of the freedom you have and it makes me feel like I'm free for a moment too."

Well, I don't get that logic... but, whatever she says.

I'm a wishing-well person. I'm so happy for those of my friends who are doing well and I feel and cry with those who aren't. I've had too much focus on myself lately. I think I'm not 100% over the fact that I invested so much energy and resources into an imaginary relationship with an emotionally and physically unavailable man.

But shit happens if you let it. I let it.


If I'm gonna commit to becoming a full-time life coach, I better start with myself. I gotta be the best coach I've ever had. I paid for a few before and I was disappointed. Maybe this is my time to live by the example that I set. I must be my best client and make bloody sure that I don't break any more rules that I set.

Like - Don't date idiots.

But also, don't drink more than a glass of wine up to 3 x a week, dance every day, eat clean, stop limiting your abilities and pushing joy away. Dream big. 

Just a few tips to start with.

Sunday, March 14, 2021


I feel better. Keeping busy with work and healing the last pieces of a broken heart and some other baggage.

I'm remembering but not longing. 
And that’s nice progress. 

I remember all the good stuff. The hikes, the secret visits, the night in London, being looked after in Whitby, and receiving the best Christmas present ever.

Of course, the lovemaking is hard to forget.
How could I trade that for an animalistic act with a stranger just to get over everything faster and move on? That would be violence.

I’m grateful for those memories, I don't want to taint them.

I now laugh at his overprotectiveness of the flat too. That’s sacred. A man cave. Max 3 nights in a row allowed. Thank god I didn’t have to pay for his ‘Airbnb' where I couldn’t even switch off. 
It makes me feel better about my little individualistic needs.

I don’t know his side of the story re future possible interactions. But I’m a queen... and I don’t beg. Especially, sinc
e he even seemed bothered by my 'How are you'.
Sometimes I'd wonder if we had much to say to each other. I don’t know if it would be different without the pandemic. Would we even hook up? Would we get along without the fucking that kept us busy? 

Maybe if there were more options to keep occupied with last year, it would help me see that he was only meant to be a friend.
But now he doesn’t even want a friendship. Plus, I already know that he’s a good fuck, and that knowledge drives me crazy.

So it’s too late to wonder "what if".
To every action, there are consequences.
But luckily, ours are manageably mild, not the worst, and the lessons were priceless.

When I admitted to a possible dependence on sex to feel loved/worthy, I cried over it a little. Surprisingly, in effect, the desire got under control and the urge is diminishing.
I feel better this way. More focused and stable. I'm glad that some divine intervention prevented me from making a few bad mistakes!
I might look into this further.


Sunday, March 7, 2021

Loving sex be like... fishing.

Beware of creating out of lack, or from a place of fear... you're bound to create a mismatch.

Yesterday was the day I let go and embodied it. Or so I thought. It's been 2 months since the breakup over the phone, and 2 months and 2 weeks since I last slept with T. (Chris).

They say you don't get over someone until you get under someone.

I haven't... and I don't think that's what's needed now. 

I've always been a master at separating sex and love and I'm glad I'm
going back to entertaining that thought - but with a loving and unconditionally positive regard.
I see it as two opinions.

To all the lovely ladies out there...
First, you can sleep with a man on the first date, or second date, and still be a goddess in his eyes. We're not Virgin Mary.

I have yet to meet a man who’d not welcome my high sex drive or a man not eager to please.
Or maybe I’m just lucky like that 😜

The most important attitude is your attitude.
Receive. Don’t fear pleasure. Surrender to joy and ecstasy.

Separate your worrisome mundane life from sex. You can have both just not at the same time.

The same goes for love. If you want love, it takes time, trust, frequent playtime, good communication, and a common vision for the future.
However, sex is much less demanding.

It’s possible to separate sex from love.
I prefer that discernment these days!

As Woody Allen says in A Midsummer Night Sex Comedy, 1982:

"Sex alleviates tension, love causes it."

If a man wants to give, let him give. Your receptivity is your gift to him. I love masculine givers! 💦

Second, let's backpedal a little bit.

If you know that you're a wife and mother material, maybe it's best to keep it in your pants and show the Universe that you're ready to receive what you deserve. A mature man who is ready to give you what you want.

I missed having sex with Chris so badly. He was passive, nonresponsive, and very unhelpful in the last 2 months when I needed a boyfriend the most. In all honesty, I had to ask: Was I missing him or just his penis inside my vagina? Or simply any penis inside my vagina??

And it turns out the answer is - I miss a mature's man loving penis in my reciprocating vagina.
Forever processing the past relationship got me worried that I'd repeat the same mistakes if I jumped into another one too soon. But I changed. And I don't care if the people who don't know me well think it took me a day, it has taken me 33 years actually. I'm ready to stop acting out and let my disorganized attachment mentality (part avoidant, part anxious) ruin my relationships. The truly brave people could handle me, they survived the push and pull dynamic and so can the next guy. I'm ready and available. I call this an abundance mentality!

If the one I gave my heart to didn't care enough to change, to become more affectionate, kind, text me and pursue me, there's plenty of fish in the sea. And that's probably where I should be anyway. At the sea, carefully examining every fish, having a fun tasting, but taking my time before giving my heart away again.

I won't let myself get bitter. The belief in love and connection can be restored the moment we recognize that we're still on track. I'm on track, focused, playful and curious. I'm not gonna make the same mistake again. Learn to recognize acting out of wounding, ditch your addictions, and you won't either.

Friday, March 5, 2021

Love & Care. Decide it'll be and it shall be.

Self-love and self-care come in many forms. One day you're in a bathtub sipping tea, and the next day you're sprawled on a yoga mat hysterically crying. It can also look like having a full day of clean eating and then downing a glass of wine at night because your obsessive thoughts wouldn't let you sleep. Your inner protective system won't scold you after a mistake. It'll take it in, accept it, and help you move on.

Of course, on an especially healthy day, self-love won't let you pitty yourself, text your ex who doesn't give a shit about you, or eat a tub of peanut butter for lunch. Self-care will step in and have you remember all the things you used to enjoy. Dance, go for a walk and smile at strangers, read a good book, have a balanced meal, and bake something yum... then dance some more.

Hold yourself in a safe space. It's okay to feel lonely. I think we all do at some point. 

I don't always reach out for help. But I know that I should. If not to the Spirit, I have some amazing friends who are always there for me. I must but ask. Sometimes though, the advice of others is either purely factual or plain subjective. I mean - these people mean well, but really, only you know what's best for you. The tricky part is to commune with the heart, not with your fear. Fear has its own agenda.

I've done a few zoom meetup calls called: Dealing with Fear. I enjoyed those because, despite the same topic, the conversations oftentimes took us elsewhere. One day we saw fear's opposite in love, the next day it was in courage.

I still prefer courage.

I feel like love doesn't have an opposite. It's too strong, too illogical, too misunderstood, too encompassing of a word.

To me, the opposite of fear is courage. And I'm now trying real hard to embrace it.


I decided that I'd start my new work placement by Monday. On the last day of the career assessment, I was offered a new job. They were to place me on Sunday. Today, I got a call that they have a better client for me and I am to start on Monday instead. I'm thrilled to be useful again. Working in care is hard but gratifying.

Self-love and self-care are when you decide everything you wish to happen to happen. Just decide. When I feel worthy, I feel resolute that I deserve good things. I decided to create financial freedom by October 2021. Then I'm off to Tulum in Mexico. The universe is conspiring to make things happen.

My next post will be my integrity statement about the future. Until then, love yourself and say 'no' to toxicity!