Thursday, December 10, 2020

I think I love you...

On November 12, I wrote about the freedom of choice. The choice to leave a dating scene, a budding relationship, a long-term relationship, or to stay for a little longer... as long as we still 'choose one another'. 

Little did I know that a month later my friend and coach Rodolfo Young would include 'Freedom of Choice' as the 3rd most important component to a relationship in his talk for the online summit: Bring the sizzle back into your sex life. 

I listened to the summit because I adore Rodolfo. No need to ignite my sex life further, otherwise I think there would be some serious flames in the house 🤣

Three months ago I met someone truly important for my personal growth and for my healing of the concepts of sex, love, and relationships.

He's been nothing but stable and consistent in pursuing me and letting the present moment be the decisive factor - not the past. I tried to scare him off, push him away, create drama, I vented my work stress on him, I tried to hurt him - yet, he stayed. And he showed up once more when things seemed to be ended. That little silent break helped me realize that I was done pushing love away. And that a relationship would most likely not come knocking on the door if there is a big warning sign: Don't come near my heart, I bite.

Indeed, genuine love must have seemed like something I've never experienced before and would not expect to recognize even if it was in my face.

So I accepted that I had feelings for him, but I didn't show them to him when I could, and that despite screwing this up, I was ready to trust the next man who would come around...

...and the next man was him, again.

He called and offered me a place to stay in case all my plans blew up due to a possible extending of lockdown. He offered to be there for me.

And so we arranged a 'make or break' 3-day trip together to Whitby and Robin Hood's Bay...

It was beyond expectation. I had no expectation. I came with an open-heart and open-mind, ready to roll with it. Ready to embrace the gifts the man was giving and - instead of telling him I was in love with him - I wanted to show him that I was and that I cared...

Lo and behold, every day brought more and more feeling and safety. The safety to express emotions and be ourselves. I never knew that even the fragile heart of a masculine man needed to feel safe in order to open up and share what's inside... How... arrogant of me.

At first, I learned why he was acting the way he did.

On the second day, I put a stop to the guessing game whether we were just lovers or if I wanted him as my boyfriend... "Okay then, where do I sign?" was his adorable reaction. He was processing turning me into 'his bird' over a delicious and fun dinner. Hm, was my reassurance all that was needed all along? The resolute decision that I wanted to be his girlfriend seemed to make him happy. Either way... it felt good to me too.

On the third night... we spent a good hour chatting over dinner about my most favorite topic - the holistic healing of diseases which, I believe, are a psychosomatic manifestation. All ailments are curable provided the right environment and individualistic approach... a huge topic that I'm so passionate about and could talk about for hours... We embrace, look into each other's eyes for ages, then we kiss, and look at one another again, smiling. Then he says in his usual casual fashion: "I think I love you...." and my heart leaps, I melt, I want to cry, burst into laughter, and cry...  I compose myself and say with a serious voice and a lowered stare, I love you too...

It was the most beautiful first I love you I've ever heard. It was completely independent of anything I just did, not after I made the guy feel good about himself, whether I showed my devotion first, or worse - post-coitus - when, unfortunately, I'm usually tempted to say those words too.

It was there. Echoing in the half-empty restaurant, over our empty bowls of food, some wine on our lips and just this feeling... this feeling that we found each other. despite our different personalities, the crazy pandemic time, stressful jobs, unknown future, and our histories of traveling and failed relationships. I think I love you felt like the most genuine '1st I love you' I heard a man utter. (Yes, I got plenty of I love yous before) Three months into a topsy-turvy intense connection, despite intimacy fears and just sitting there fully-clothed, he said it, and ... I heard it.

It's time to stop making stuff up - interpreting everything the wrong way based on worrisome assumptions.

New chapter

I'd like to write a post titled: How to feel like 20 again.

but... 33 is not too bad either. It's different! I don't chase boys, nor recite my parent's opinions anymore and I don't give in to every sugar craving prompting me to snack on sweets 10x a day.

[I successfully reduced it to 1x-2x a day. A sweet protein shake for brekki and one chocolate square (or three) sometime later. ha!]

If I was 20 years old, I'd probably walk downstairs right now and join in for the fun. I'm staying in a hotel in Scarborough, recovering from a minor medical procedure. The 3 lads downstairs are - ehm, impossible to ignore! Last night was spent shouting: Shut the fuck up assholes! to no avail until midnight. Afterward, I had an amazing unbroken sleep till 7:30. Yes, not too bad. This evening seems to be the same... I'll save my breath. Again, if I was 20, I'd walk downstairs and demanded some of their beers and splifs and hoped I'd look so cool in their eyes.

Oh well, I'm not 20 anymore.

I've done my private ecstatic dance in this 3m² and now I'm enjoying some red wine. Alone. They're still talking and laughing. I can hear everything through the paper-thin walls, yet it's not as annoying as the previous 2 nights. I'm too lazy to go and introduce myself, I don't feel like a splif, and I... think... I've got a boyfriend now, so... I'm less curious to see who's partying below my room. I also know that I'll get some sleep regardless and then have an inevitable wake up call at 7:30 am when they get up for work. At least I'll manage to pack and set off on my next adventure. That's what matters. 

I've unburdened myself on all levels possible. Physical, emotional, and spiritual. I left the job that was sucking the life out of me, I removed myself from stress and pressure and underappreciation and I embraced the unknown. I know I'm meant to heal as many people as possible - those who are ready and have the means to seek me out. I'm available and I'm willing. I released the false premise of security. It was only an illusion disguising control, coercion, and staying small and stuck in this increasingly ill world. I'm not talking about corona - that is a symptom of how sick we've become as a nation full of brainwashed sheep.

I'll write more about my take on the pandemic next time ... I'm grateful that, thank god, I didn't give in the collective fear despite my whole family contracting COVID. Their sound mind and lack of panic pulled them through. The media don't tell you all the truth.

I'm free. We're all free if we want to. We must trust our higher selves unconditionally.