A good day

Saturday.

I struggled to get out of bed on Friday. It seemed as if some entity possessed me... (haha, otherwise, all good up there in my head!) I canceled all appointments for the weekend so I could catch up on rest and some important self-inquiry into my grief.

A friend of mine stopped by to say hello, probably to check in on me. Upon entering my new place which I've been occupying for a little over a week, all the hair on the back of her neck stood up. I told her casually in the door - I feel like I've been possessed. "Yes, I think you were." She stormed in and despite the evening hour, and the beautiful white sage smell, she pulled up all the blinds, opened all windows, and told me to play a 10-hour long mantra in my bedroom while I sleep on the sofa that night. Okay...

You know, I believe these things. The extra foreign energy surrounding me, probably having been surrounding me for a few days, was almost palpable that day. Something was 'sitting' on me. A brick on my head, a chain around my neck, and a heavy curtain-like cape over my shoulders constricting my chest and well, all my movement. I could not function at my best, and waking up at nights probably didn't add to my vitality either. I did reiki, kundalini meditation, visualizations... I still walked like a zombie.
I didn't self-medicate with alcohol, which is normally the culprit behind my tiredness, and I fully processed and forgiven all the recent events that took away my peace. Maybe you don't believe it's possible to do it so quickly, but well, I've had some training in rejection in the last 2 years! Griving was a natural part of the process.

When all demons departed, my friend and I opened a bottle of wine to break my abstinence, and it felt great. After she left, I settled on the sofa and slept like a baby. Nevertheless, I woke up tired and still a bit 'off'. Right, this time it could have been half the bottle of red.

In spite of it, I proceeded to have a nice quiet Saturday morning, and finally felt connected to my body and spirit that has always kept an eye on me. On top of it, I was aware that I'm surrounded by amazing pals and forming deeper friendships with them, that's not to be taken for granted.
Sleeping with a male friend and then acting like nothing happened shouldn't have been on the menu. But well, we tried.

I bumped into 2 goddesses that morning and it made my day there and then already.

Surpringly, my dad wanted to speak, and we managed a heart-warming phone chat. I'm so happy we're on the same page regarding the plandemic... and in my 34th, I even shared the perks of my romantic life for the first time... Well, it's been fairly non-existent so not so much to discuss, but it seemed that he was happy to hear any kind of love story. I told him about hanging out with the loveliest freedom-fighters in Acapulco, what a lucky girl, and about my recent mishap. I have no doubt that I transcended all my daddy's issues. Don’t get me wrong, I still fancy older men and will continue to do so but If anything, the divine masculine stopped being such a perplexing mystery. I understood the complicated role of a father, forgave him for struggling with it, and in return, I received imaginary permission, which I never needed to begin with, to date. I felt from our chat that I was worthy of dating good men and lovable enough to actually choose and date the best one. Thanks, dad!

Then I danced... moving my body freely is a medicine. I ate, too much, but the right stuff, and finished the day with a beach walk while listening to a breathtaking audiobook (I'll write a review when done!)

I am a great manifstor. Especially the last few days, whatever I think of just comes to me in the material world.... including a free massage! A Mexican girl friend wanted to re-connect and called me out of nowhere. Amazing. 

OK,.... let's put my manifesting to test. I'm thinking of a man... an inside out beautiful, loving, financially well off, generous, stable, committed, emotionally healthy, fun, intelligent, physically healthy, fit, in love with me, respecting me, meeting my needs for the right blend of intimacy and solitude, and ready to claim me KINDA MAN ... coming into my life, now.

I'm so proud of how I've changed throughout the years... At times, it felt like failure upon failure, then wallowing in disappointment and frustrations, but actually, I learned, and got better. I have only compassion for myself. I survived my clumsy attempts in meaningful love and career, and it all brought me here.

And here is a good day.

When a boy meets a girl

When you're faced with a decision to either run away from impending pain or towards elusive pleasure, which one do you choose?
How do you distinguish these two? What if pleasure is only delayed pain, and escaping pain is addictive - then which one is self-sabotage?
Well, I knew it would all mess with my head either way. Then I heard this positive voice from my naive self that perhaps... perhaps not, this time.

I said no word, nothing to anyone, afraid not to jinx whatever it was that I was protecting by keeping quiet. Maybe my superstitious personality took the reins, or maybe I read the overall energy and knew that this love would be over before it even started. Silence is golden.

People tell you and show you very quickly who they are. Believe them. A boy doesn't think, understand, or explain, he just 'does'. He makes mistakes, he tries again. Did a change of behavior occur? Observe his behavior. If there's a sense of direction, leadership, a generous heart of a protector, and clarity, then he's growing.

When a boy has turned into a man he'll be able to finally admit that he isn't perfect, has healing to do, trauma to process, more love to give. A real man will do whatever it takes to get there.

If he tells you that until that's done, he won't be able to love you, not for long, and not the way you deserve, these are alarm bells. Okay, maybe he's exploring his wounded masculine. He can admit to having a closed heart and needing some time to sort out his confusion. Listen to him, he's telling you!

A man can turn back into a boy.
When the above (the wounded underdog) is a storyline that he uses with each and every woman he meets, tries to love her for a bit, and then he leaves her, he never actually steps above the threshold - I'm broken, let me fix it first (maybe with another woman). That 'fear' to go deeper within the given relationship will forever make him want to remain a boy.
He consciously decides that it is safer not to give his heart fully, and so he repeats the same pattern somewhere else with someone else again and again. I believe that our highest calling is to connect deeply, with all of our hearts, with another being/s in love. That's why we get these opportunities for healing and change.

Now swap 'man' for a 'woman' and 'boy' for a 'girl'.
That was my story too.
But hell no, I'm not repeating that pattern again.
I'm a real woman, clear about what I want, I ask for what I deserve, and I'm ready to receive a MAN's heart. A decisive man's, who'll claim me and hold me so tight that I'll experience the pain - the discomfort - of staying, until it turns pleasurable. Because:

If you want to have something you've never had, you must do something you've never done.
-anon

Dr. Joan Rosenberg says that we shouldn't use the words fear or anxiety unless there is immediate danger. A bear is chasing us.
She believes that if we properly label our feelings, we process them faster. "Name it to tame it"

I like her concept. 

I've been sitting with the major 8 unpleasant feelings, as she calls them. I let myself experience the temporary bodily sensations. When I accept my: Sadness Shame Helplessness Anger Vulnerability Embarrassment Disappointment Frustration, within a couple of minutes, it is super clear that feelings are transient.

I say it all the time that feelings are unreliable!

Channeling my inner Joan of Arc in Oaxaca

Why is it so hard to get a matcha latte without sugar in Mexico?

You have to make sure you remind the barista "sin azucar, por favor" otherwise, here you go, a big blob of some kinda sweet syrup right at the bottom of the cup.

Many times, however, even that remark is pointless since there is azucar already in the matcha mix but the barista has no idea. He’ll just tell you he won’t add any [more]. Why, Mexicans, why? And even more importantly - why don’t you state the additional ingredients on the food/drink labels?

Despite that, I’m in love with the Oaxaca mountains and their traditional cuisine too.

It appears that they use no fluoridated sea salt in Oaxaca as opposed to how they systematically poison with it the people in Playa Del Carmen.

It’s not always easy to live here as an expat, but little annoyances are bound to happen everywhere.

I hiked to an eco-park above the Oaxaca City and all sweaty, I craved peaceful dining overlooking the lake. Right there, with a donkey in the background, I had a quiet meal on my own, pondering the wonders of life, and possibly an upcoming war, and ate the best meal of my life, not kidding. With wine, it cost me around £10 without a tip, I know it takes 2 hours of a hike from the city but… shouldn’t they charge more for the experience lol? 

At the dusk, I concluded it was time to get back to the Airbnb and pack for my flight back to PDC.

A collectivo driver (local mini-shuttle) attempted to rip me off.

I knew he should charge me between $10-20 pesos to get back to the city - but he said it’d be $120. I said no, I am aware it’s collectivo. Then he stopped on the side of the road and took a piss, 50cm away from my head.

When other people jumped in, I asked them how much is the ride - for them, locals. They said it will be $12 pesos. My anger was already uncontainable.

I asked him to stop around the corner from my hotel. I let one other woman pay her coins, and I said - FUCK OFF to him.
Then recited a google translation which possibly didn’t make any sense.

"Me querías estafar, dijiste que serían $120. ¿Por qué? porque soy extranjera?? Y te orinaste con la polla a mi lado. Tú lo sabes. Vete a la mierda."

It was important for me to let him know my feelings. Not giving him $12 pesos was a matter of principle! Come on, I just left $50 pesos as a tip at a humble restaurant by a lake. No one tried to rip me off there.
And it was one of the best dining experiences of my life.

The driver took it, but I was still fuming when walking back home.
Fucking idiot.

I had a weird dance back at my place and even a weirder dream.

I was a bit tipsy from my dinner (the guilt came later) and I wanted to dance off some of the tortillas.

I felt the injustice committed on me, poor extranjera. I knew I had tremendous courage in me to fight for fairness anywhere in the world. A few shamans told me that I had fragments of Joan of Arc’s soul. Probably some of us do.

Weirdly, if there was a war, I’d prefer to fight on the frontlines, like a person engaged in their life, not just waiting and wishing for the best from a safe dungeon with storages of food - it’s a great idea, by the way! Not everyone will be able to fight and we want to protect those who can’t or don’t want to.

Look at me, it’s coming to my mid-thirties, I’m single, childless, and kind of homeless in Mexico. I know my life is valuable, but - look at the above 👆🏼 Aren't those great recruiting markers of a soldier?

On the other hand, I do wish that Berwick’s predictions in his latest video won’t come true. He’s been a little off in the past, so he can get this wrong again. Yet, he’s been right with many other things. I’m choosing to believe that this is the beginning of the end though. We should enter a biblical world as Jake predicted in June. It’s about time we made this world frickin' work for us.

And if not. It’s best to focus on individual lives in self-sufficient sustainable communities. Perhaps then I wouldn’t need to go to war. I’d stay at home with my husband, tend to our organic garden, cocoa tree, goats, sheep, chickens, and have a pony to get around on. Maybe a dog to protect us from animal predators. Plus, I’d be pregnant with our first child. In a nice environment, untouched by pollution, toxins, or the threat of a nuclear bomb.

I think that’s always been my dream. To live on an organic farm, have our own well with pristine water, and be completely self-sufficient, including the ability to home-school our children and perhaps the children of like-minded neighbors. 

It's time to get clear and focus on my most aligned, highest-self-chosen direction. 

Good luck to all of us! x