ANARCHAPULCO private raw review

The Anachapulco event was definitely beyond my expectations. I knew I had to create an intention but the only mantra I could come up with at the Acapulco airport was: My mind and my heart are open…

During a meditation I did less than 2 months ago, my spirit guides told me to come here. After seeing the price tag, I replied to them - you better make it extremely good!

And so the story goes of effortlessly finding my soul tribe. My absolute soulmate family. Right there in The Secret Garden venue, some wishes that I didn’t even know I had came true. I was part of something larger than me. Specifically, I embodied love and light without denying the dark, there was no escaping it since the current state of the world propels anarchy conferences like these. I felt surrounded by truth. The truth indicated it is not all rainbows and unicorns in this world, but as long as we stick together, love and light won’t cease to exist.

First thing first - it’s mind-boggling to me that I’ve been drinking wine every single day for a week, having at least 2 big meals daily consisting of the most meat, fish, and eggs I’ve consumed in a whole year, no exercise, just running after fun things to do, and I managed to lose weight! I'm simply throwing this out there. Food for thought, literally. 

I learned things... things about myself, famous freedom fighters, and the world.

I released several old stories and finally surrendered to the truth that I am good enough. Initially, I was getting off of the high vibe, the attention from many, many men, and generally, the freedom to be me... until it all felt too real. Then the mind kicked in. Who are you to think you're special and people would be genuinely interested in you? Who are you to think that your Bachelor's degree in Humanities would ever match that - that level of intelligence, confidence, or outspokenness about spirituality/health/the marvels of science. And the best story of all: You are definitely not pretty enough, good enough, earning enough, smart enough, or interesting at all in comparison with - fill in the blank.

These belittling voices came rushing all at once by day 3. Then suddenly, I noticed the opportunity to heal. This was a delicate moment to be appreciated. It was all there in front of me, my never-ending stories of not-enoughness, of struggle, of the need to hide and let others take the steering wheel of how things should unfold. 

I breathed into the void, the hopelessness, the sadness over these yucky stories feeling so real, yet they weren't real! I kept breathing and feeling the lies until it was clear as the sunny Acapulco day that this was not the truth, and certainly not my truth that I'm willing to still carry around and believe. I am divine and unique. There's no one else special in the same way. We're all uniquely special. I was meant to be in Anarchapulco to bring some light into these people's lives in my own way.

This was my first interaction with all of the speakers. I've only glimpsed their names before or watched half a video. Yet I learned about Jeff Berwick, Max Igan, and Andrew Kaufam MD in 1 week more than perhaps most attendees did in their lifetime. I got to know their real selves, without Mr. Google feeding me all the controversies. They aren't true. 

My final bragging in a nutshell: It feels too good to high five with well-known activists, be surrounded by good-natured like-minded people, make friends with beautiful men and women pretty much the moment you walk in, sit by a table with the biggest names in their field, get tipsy with health and truth protagonists, get random compliments left and right - (My favorites: Look at her, a proof that God does exist; I must admit I'm taken by you; there's something special about you and clearly many men would like to be with you), be invited to a private birthday party that was bigger than a lavish wedding, walk on the beach at midnight talking vulnerable stuff, get a Tantric hug that got me all tingling, agree with Max and Andy after our last brunch that we had no idea we'd hit it off, and finally, have the privilege to use my healing powers and share classy accommodation with a wonderful and fascinating woman. Overall, it was a smashing week. End of bragging.

Ask me how I could support you to speak and live your truth! xx

Q: What do true narcissists teach us?

A: That sensitive empaths will always be their preferred target, charm does eventually wear off, and there's nothing wrong with us in comparison with their twisted manipulative soul.

How come that in 1 year I managed to meet 3 narcissists? I've not even believed in narcissism! Then I fell in love with a man with so-called grandiose narcissistic tendencies, and after that I met a couvert/fragile narcissist born to a grandiose mother narcissist!

Yesterday, I finally opened my eyes wide.... the under 6-hour-long conversation (ehm, monologue) went well. He has vomited all his life story to me in one afternoon. A poor 'victim' of more than favorable circumstances. Spoiled by rich parents, and a self-proclaimed genius with good looks, always misunderstood. He had everything, yet not amounted to anything. (All his words.) Then he has slept himself to the top places where he wanted to be, finally allowed to show off his superiority, only to fall again, starting over, and hating himself (which I'm now not so sure of). He was shown perfection which he couldn't live up to, despite the fact that his mum's constant building of his confidence.

Sitting on my sofa, he's shown me the 1000 faces and flavors of a Gemini... I was breathing, for once, and every now and then discharging my feelings, sometimes amused, mostly frightened into the candle fire on the table beside us. I was looking at the man without judgment, taking in all that was articulated to me in one breath. Victim-consciousness - not really, sympathy-fishing - maybe, conceitedness - big time, some kinda narcissistic drug-abuse-induced manipulation - most likely. Suddenly, I could see his never-ending "I'm better than all of you - yet, look at me!" story for what it was. It got to the point when I had to say: Hey, I wanna be alone now, you need to leave. Then he started pulling out his wild cards - "I'm so depressed", then coming closer to me, pointing out the connection between us, saying "I really want a child", and saving the best one for the end when I was already ignoring him and making myself some dinner: "I'm falling in love with you." Sure. 

It must have become clear that he wouldn't get any, so let's bark this shit at her to just maybe, turn the tables.

It took another hour to coax him off the couch. Like a cyst that never leaves.

What this experience taught me: It feels so good to say no!!!! Even when it has piercing blue eyes, muscles, and a tan on 6'4 long body! We can always say no. And we must if what's in front of us is in no way for us, just no way... it feels so empowering when you can see with clear eyes and not deny your mixed feelings.

Perhaps I agreed to meet to have the last word. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. It is more peaceful in my mind and my heart now that they came to the conclusion that I really, really, don't want to be with this man. I can't even imagine associating with him. It'd be like a badge of the ultimate unconsciousness.

Do you know why it took me so long to get over the Yorkshire ex and I'm still not 100% in peace over the breakup last year? Because it never came to the point where I would not want him. I didn't want the relationship we were creating, the distance between us, the self-doubts his actions triggered in me, and the trauma I was projecting... But I never NOT wanted him. I trusted his potential, imagined our future together, but I didn't know if we were meeting halfway. If I could have the last word, I'd ask better questions (like I did yesterday with this new 'crush'). The phone call was stupid, I never got the chance to get a proper closure. A similar thing happened with the Australian. It took me 2 years to get over him, to see-think-and-feel that he wasn't the one. Two years after, on a sunny day in Darwin in May 2018, I finally heard him. I heard the BS he had been feeding me for 3 tears in person and over the phone, and I hang up on him. Done. I did not want him back anymore.

With Jake, it's completely different. I'm still obsessed with him one day, like if he was the best thing that happened to me, then thinking rationally the next day, I mean, he was/is an alcoholic. I'm just trying to stay present. Inevitably, I compared him to the Playa playboy, and felt a little remorse. Did I make a big mistake and should I run back to him? He felt like a safe harbor. However, it's all an illusion.

After the devil left my studio, I cleansed the space with white sage and I danced. I felt empowered and I knew that if I face the choice between a young playboy and a mature gentleman in the future, I'd take the gentleman in a heartbeat. I also realize that what is done is done, and I know that Jake would not understand. So I'm utterly alone.

Up until yesterday, I was overthinking. But life really does give you clues. Your instinct is everything. Your horniness is never worth the price. Be brave enough to acknowledge the clues in plain sight.

When history starts repeating, retreat.

I'm definitely re-discovering the dynamics that I don't want to repeat.

I've never been so consciously aware of the pattern until I just repeated it for the 3rd time in 5 years. I projected it onto innocent men a couple of times before, these didn't deserve my drama, the root of my misery was somewhere else. The fear of abandonment tends to send us unavailable people our way. The 3 recent examples weren't that unique, but they're still fresh in my memory. The same, same pattern, but different people/stories. 

I'm too well-read of Dr. Susan Anderson and too well practiced in accessing my highest self to let these tears do much to me... I'm too experienced in healing grief to know that this release is also a flashback of ancient trauma. In particular, it's my Yorkshire ex who's crawled on my mind since the start of this new story. It's all muddled up together. I don't know who's hurt me more. No past, no present, no future. I'm releasing old gunk that has no place in my body and mind.

We don't need to change in order to lure an unavailable person in. We shouldn't go out of our ways to keep their attention, inspire them to be more loving, communicating, to be there for us... We know it's not gonna happen, and the fewer ceilings we climb, the faster we come to realize that for someone with a closed heart, there's nothing we can do. The only remedy is that they become aware of the defenses they put up - at their own privacy and convenience. We can't open their heart for them. What we need to do for ourselves is to strengthen our boundaries, see with clear eyes that they are an empty well, we must be more assertive since it's clear who we're dealing with, and have love standards that we won't go below. We must leave before it'll get to the point where we'd like to save them - because we abandon ourselves as a result. 

It's time to go. Take shelter in self-love. 

My new mantra:

I take responsibility for everyhting I've created, and all the things I haven't yet created for my lack of clarity.