Do not overlook the signs

Why am I creating a hormone health and self-care course?

Maybe it's for me. I am tired of not heading my own advice if it lacks structure.

So I decided to put all I know on paper, and then transform it into video messages. That way I can remind myself visually!

Honestly, how much pain does it take for us to finally change?

I'm asking on behalf of other people too because I know that some of us seem to take forever to learn important lessons.

Earlier this week I got the most painful bout of gastritis together with IBS to date. It's been a while since I was crouched on the bed unable to move. There were such occasions, yes, but they were usually resolved within 24 hours. Not his time. And the most infuriating thing about the attack is that I'd seen it coming for at least 2 weeks before that. My digestion stopped. I was anxious before my trip to the USA (that never happened), and then triggered by my new environment. Being surrounded by kids' candies, mildly stressing when child-sitting, galloping down coffee every day and eating spicy food didn't help. Yuck! A recipe for disaster for people with sensitive stomachs. 

Yet, I didn't stop any of it. I didn't take the time to manage my anxiety, stress, and diet habits.

Then one day I woke up with upper left abdominal throbbing. Progressively, the pain got worse so I didn't dare to eat. On Wednesday I vomited some bits from the previous 2 days... fever and bed-ridden. On Thursday the bathroom has seen me about every 20 minutes, the fever returned, and fasting continued despite knowing how my body disliked its completely empty insides. I felt like I received 30 punches into my belly. On Friday, I felt back among the living but whatever I ate just went right through me, leaving a trail of cramping pain with fear of eating again. I managed to hold in oatmeal, and later some chicken. Regaining 20% more strength.

Today I feel quite good, but not the most responsible, I just had a wholegrain cookie and unsweetened hot chocolate as a small act of rebellion towards all the fasting and bland mini-meals. We'll see how that goes...

Still, this time I learned. On top of already giving up all alcohol over a month ago, I'm now giving up coffee, eating in a hurry, and overeating after I fasted. Perhaps I should reduce my near-daily intermittent fasting anyway. IT IS NOT GOOD FOR THE FEMALE HORMONAL BALANCE! You hear me right. Studies on fasting were actually done on men.

Without self-care we struggle to keep everything in balance. Stop the pain before it stops you.

More details on the course soon!

Poised for a new life (in an old setting)

I'm still here in Mexico, 6 months in, and I'm pumped to be here.

Not being able to fly out of the country a few days ago feels like a blessing now. I have all that I need here, in fact, I have all that I need within.

This is a gratitude message that I sent in the PDC group yesterday:

Everything happens for some higher reason, and in its own divine timing. I’m grateful for not moving to San Cristobal a couple of weeks ago, and for missing my flight out of Mexico yesterday. It all makes sense now 🙏🏼 

Commitments, co-creating with community, minor or major ruptures, and staying put to create something unfamiliar from nothing, can feel scary for some of us. (I’m definitely guilty ☺️)

I feel the fear and convince myself it’s excitement!

I wasn't allowed to board a plane to the US... I shall write about it more in my next post. But no dream is lost. My dream was always to create a community, feel loved, feel that I belong, and be happy and healthy. I recognize the opportunities for growth right in front of my eyes. There's really nowhere to run and nothing to get to... I am creating my new reality from a clean slate. I must let go of outdated attachments to outcomes that are no longer rooted in my truth.

I found a great place to live in Playa del Carmen. I'm so grateful. More about that next time too!

Regarding love affairs, I believe that love should be constant, not a guessing game, not depend on the moon, or the weather...

Yes, it was a full moon eclipse on Sunday, a hypercharged day full of nervous energy just before my flight.

My ex-lover and I hooked up again and it felt natural, in fact, even quite loving. We still care about each other.

It was meant to be my last night in Mexico, and two commitment-phobes kinda like it that way. A closure for romance, friendship gets to stay, but no pressure to dive deeper.

We had some riffs, some misunderstandings and long periods of silence in between casual coupling.
First, there was his friend visiting and silence for over 3 weeks. Then suddenly, I was at his place, socializing with his friends, until they all went home, and we jumped on each other. Two secret lovers reunited.

The carrot was dangling in front of me again...
Oh hi, there you are!
Oh hi, you're still here!?

I guess the fantasy was still there... what if, what if we both change... what if... he becomes emotionally available and I'm finally ready to stay.

As Mark Groves says - having sex with a toxic co-dependent is like gasping for air after drowning.... good gasping. The itch is scratched, they must like me 'a little.' Immediately upon recoiling, we go back to our own worlds. I go back to drowning in my own anxiety, looking forward to gasping for air during another orgasm.

It felt good. But then the damn misunderstanding and communication glitches afterward...

A friendship can withstand some tests, but desire... desire is fickle. The sex was just a pacifier for my deeper needs, everything outside of it was the point. I didn't feel beautiful so I needed an emotionally unavailable man to feel validated. I felt lost, so I needed him to give me direction, but it gave me abandonment. I failed to fill the void with self-love first. It wasn't love that I was feeling. It was pain and I was addicted to it. An opportunity to heal. Because pain... pain is what love is to me.

The truth is, men, even women, can feel repelled by someone, yet still be happy to have sex with them.

Our parents weren't emotionally available, we needed to walk on eggshells around them to keep them happy...
Maybe disconnecting from myself was still my survival strategy, or maybe I was on the verge of a breakthrough. 

Fast forward another 2 weeks of silence, I matured up. I re-estabilished the connection and broke the silence with a sincere apology and proposed breakfast on my last day in Playa del Carmen. Breakfast turned into an all-nighter, with my leaving for the airport from his at 4am.

We understand each other and possibly, we helped each other heal.

But I deserve a safe connection. Someone constant and loving, patient with my occasional crazy. Yes, I hate that I push people away... and then I wanna be close again. He was only mirroring that.

My avoidant side wants a connection but is afraid that it'll never happen. My attachment style is 'Disorganised' - Come close, go away... I was unavailable, and just like him, I was also addicted to the chase.

New mantra:

"I am so grateful to let go of what no longer serves me. Unavailability is now unattractive to me. I am unavailable to unavailability. 

I am available for emotionally and physically available men."

Plus, God knows that I'm ready to have a child. I'd be a great mum 😜😏

Dear Eclipse, am I the toxic one?

I think I'd like to grow up now, make commitments, and embrace stability. 

Two people called me a little girl on Saturday. I know I am one. I called a friend of mine little boy this month, and he's, in fact, quite a decent man. Albeit super unconscious and so terribly afraid of his heart ending up in a blender that he doesn't even let his feelings rise up.

So there it is, karma.

Did I deserve it?

The incident in the morning - maybe not, but the guy had a point. Although we've never quite spoken before, he only raced to get my phone number on my first day in the gym a few weeks back. That's how it's done. A girl is about to faint from her first-in-ages workout, and an absolute hulk takes advantage of her weakness. The pile of muscles jumps over to ask if she's alright. I was more than alright, but I guess - my leaking boundaries and guilt-ridden female essence simply continued the small talk... and who am I to oppose a bodybuilder who looks like he could twist my head with his pinkie finger? I knew I'd never want to meet him outside of the gym, but I still gave out my phone number - what a smooth move and how well it worked for him!

So there, you've got the crucial mistake right there... why do I still feel obliged to give out my details when someone asks me? Why don't I just say no? Am I afraid? YES.

A little girl is afraid.

Then it took us 3 weeks to arrange something... because unconsciously, I didn't want to... and all his messages should have screamed alarm bells.  I'm not obliged to meet up with him, with anyone whom I might hand over my phone number... however, as a diligent good girl, I did just that and even arrived fairly on time... unlike him. So after 15 mins of waiting, I went to get my matcha and paid for it right away. I hate paying for my own drinks on a date but I was intending on leaving as soon as it was made.

He turned up and looked even grosser than I remembered, I'm sorry. I did not like anything about him.

I called him out on his lateness, and he turned aggressive towards me, in front of everyone, I said I would leave, and he told me to grow up, that I'm acting like a little girl and if I want a man, I'll have to grow up...

Right, in my own time, I will. End of story.

A few hours later, I received a text from a ghost of the past - a man who kicked me out of his house in Newcastle, NSW for being too heartbroken, hangover, and grieving over another man... End of story there.  Was that man a man at all? Or a monster? Or a little rejected boy for a moment? Well, he was well over 50 in 2016 so one would have hoped for some discernment already...

The text said - "Guess who dropped into my dreams last night? Have you grown up yet? Years ago I always remember thinking what a great catch you would be after you got on your inner journey?" as it flashed across my phone screen... it was then 'unsent' so I can't screenshot the evidence. The new message says the same except for the 'grown up' part - Why? I guess someone grew up himself in seconds after sending it! Perhaps realizing that my being a little girl unfit for his needs is well, a little pedophilic. ...

Funny, I felt like replying: Interesting that you're still single... but no need for any reaction whatsoever!

In fact, after recent events, I'm no longer even getting angry...

Men are weird, and I am creating it. Another entitled man asked me for my notes from a workshop for which I paid $200... you think that I don't respect someone else's work at all that I'd give you all info for free? On what premise?

Then I woke up with yet another erotic dream about a certain doctor that took a liking to me some time ago. The second or third erotic dream about us. Why? Do I wish that I would have tried it with him during the event?

I kinda do fantasize about that... wondering what it would be like, to do it with a real man again. But... there's something off about the whole thing. And he ceased our correspondence so... adios.

The only real thing or something coming close to reality was the second part of my affair with my friend. ...

But it all fizzled out so quickly.

Yes, I got super angry over his 'yes, no, maybe, no' games, I felt rejected, half-used, betrayed, and sad... of course I had to call him "a confused little boy" and tell him that I liked his friend better - he's a real man, unlike you! I said...

What a bitch...

My friend's friend might be a real man, but I get so fuckin' bored every time I speak with him... Plus, he just doesn't do it for me... Forgiveness isn't my friend's middle name for sure... I should really be done apologizing. He's making me responsible for how my initial message about his fucking around made him feel... oh, poor little boy! He doesn't have the guts to admit to his part of the responsibility for his mistakes. I merely called him out on it. Anyway, let's set aside what's real, what's fantasy, and what's pure BS to focus on what this eclipse taught me -

I am/was a little girl. 

I surrender, I admit it, it's true.

This time, I'm ready to make some big changes. Wish me good luck!