The sofa warrior... yes or no?

There is no virtue in suffering.... not sure who said that first, but it for sure wasn't Joan of Arc. 

In fact, no warrior of the past could have said that... Fighting was virtuous, yet it certainly meant suffering.

Right now we all suffer. Whether we're going along with the narrative, and watch how this v8rus overtook our lives, or we sit put, not comply but lament at the world from our couch, or we embrace the above saying and think that if we escape the first world madness and move to a freer developing country we won't suffer anymore. We do and we will until the world unites and we strive for freedom together. Better freedom than ever before. The freedom to live sovereign, gather, travel, work at any job, and not feel afraid for our children to roam the streets at night. 

There are many, many unvaxxed people in the UK alone sitting put... thinking that this is how we fight this battle against the 'invisible' enemy... Yes, this is a war that started so inconspicuously, cunningly, using technology and emotional blackmailing...People who have not been following any conspiracies don't know what's next and can't possibly point a finger in the right direction, none of us can anyway, that's my opinion. 

Some of the more optimistic conspiracy theorists believe that there are 'good guys' out there, said to be the military, who have been fighting this battle for us in the background. They go as far as saying that at the moment what we see in the media is just a pantomime, that there were executions of the 'bad guys' a long time ago, and now the focus is to uncover the pedophile rings, and we're nearly there. The media apparently plays it along until the end for the sheeple so they wake up...

Seriously?

While that sounds very nice, if you ask me, the idea of some good guys fighting this battle for us in the background, getting rid of all evil, pedophilia, corruption, and global dishonesty is honestly pretty great!

I agree that sometimes there are no visible miracles, there is certainly not a visible God, yet good energy exists, and the potential for goodness is immeasurable. I don't wanna be the type who's adamant about "I'll believe it when I see it." I rather resonate with Wayne Dyer's philosophy: "You'll see it when you believe it."

So I'm proposing to not completely dismiss this fairytale idea of war nearly won (whether you've been quietly sitting on your butt at home or out there fighting with your spoken word, or with machine guns, somehow the madness came to a halt)... it is a nice idea after all. 

Realistically, we do not have all the information. There are too many conflicting sources. Even people on 'my side' of the story, in short - this is a global agenda for depopulation, have different theories on how this has been panning out. Some believe that the notion of the military executing all bad guys and fighting for us so we may soon enter a biblical world... is well, too good to be true. Perhaps it leaked into the public for a reason to make us all more complacent. Stay put. Stay complaining from the sofa, not fighting this battle by creating our own heaven on earth - now. Not waiting for Jesus or the military saviors to save us, but living now.

My move to Mexico still makes sense. Yes, I miss home in his arms, and I miss my sister laughing at my sarcastic jokes across the table... But I firmly believe that we'll meet again.

The world will unite, with or without finally seeing who and what, or finger-pointing at this momentarily-invisible enemy.

But we have to come together, there's no doubt. No matter where in the world you are right now - fight for your freedom - to live, to gather, open a business, speak freely, and travel as if you'd want to embrace the whole world. Fight with your word and your non-compliance. That's what my heart has been whispering to me. Why wait for some elusive good guys and a biblical ending?  We all could be examples of freedom, good health that's preventing diseases, and loving collaboration. Now.

Yet, at this point, I don't know which idea sounds more naive.

Facing my fear of abandonment, embracing the freedom to be me again, single, not alone.

And just like that... it was over. On my Christmas Eve, his Christmas Day. The necessary deed was done with love and respect intact.

When I hung up his drunker call at 10 pm Mexico time, 3 am UK time, I felt so cross with myself. Again, I wasn't able to voice my truth out loud... I don't wanna imply that he is manipulative with me, he simply knows how to wrap me around his finger and keep me emotionally hooked. I don't like being co-dependent. 

Now or never. I felt invincible after a great dance in my living room, it's my anti-anxiety movement medicine. I rediscover my power, night after night whenever I stick to this practice. 

So I called back and made it a peaceful goodbye. I need to stay single for a while.

I've not felt quite single/free this year. At first, I was a slave to a painful heartbreak, and then I entered a quiet healing mode. Nevertheless, the coupla months before meeting him was a successful period, but it was short. I'm not beating myself up for getting into a rebound. It was necessary.

No heart broke this time around. We're friends, have always been soulmates; physical separation and the decision to not keep perpetuating a long-distance relationship can't break us.

I have different priorities now, and therefore I'm unable and unwilling to keep tight romantic ties over the phone.

Above all, I accepted that my mind is too naughty for this type of dynamic. He would never understand that because he's disciplined, an all-or-nothing kinda man. I admire that, I love that. However, I don't know anymore who I am without him interfering. I think I'd like to enjoy a little more space for color beyond his black-and-white thinking. I need a little more freedom than this at this time.

Full moon meditations and clearing of past relationship trauma

Do not ask anyone for permission to be yourself.

Before ending my hour-long meditation of three 20-minutes increments, I felt like texting my sister: Thank you that I can always be myself in front of you 🙏

Now that I feel heavily meditated, I know that I need permission from no one. Self-acceptance comes from me, while self-love actually springs from God and flows through me... let me explain.

My meditation strangely brought upon the theme of love and my past romance. I realized that I'd been chasing love within my family circle, friendships, relationships, and pseudo-relationships. Yes, we must give love to ourselves first. But where does that love originate? Can't be from us alone. During my meditation I realized is that the only pure unconditional love, that we so desperately want from other people, can only come from God... tiny tears trickled down my face. Instantly, I felt touched by his/her love - the love that fuels my self-love. While sitting on my meditation cushion, I felt guarded and safe in a godly embrace. That fatherly/motherly love I seek in human embrace is more accessible than I knew. No one else will give it to me. That role is for God only. When I connect to him/the spirit, I feel loved, therefore, I can radiate love and also help others heal... I asked my guides to stay near so I could keep working with them. Even a healer needs a power source!

The mind-chatter lessened...yet, there was another aspect to love...

Suddenly, I remembered the good and bad times with my previous lover, a Yorkshire lad, who made me laugh, opened up to me slowly, telling me "I think I love you" after 3 months of dating, then I recalled our separation for reasons too muddled up for me to pinpoint them. maybe it was the lack of patience to grow with one another, not trusting the other to mature up, commit... so nothing happened. The trust just wasn't there on both sides. Falling in love with one another's potential and falling out of love because of fear? I don't know. I was in so much pain because of it - of not knowing what exactly happened - How did I fuck it up? was all I could conceive of. He had no problem with my colorful, sexual past whatsoever. Yet, he couldn't accept my unstable feminine nature and my sabotaging self-perseverance, possibly based on unconscious fear of love.

Nevertheless, ever since that encounter I was working hard on becoming less afraid of love, a more stable, responsible, committed, and mature person... then finally falling in love with someone just like that 6 months later. A loving, mature, committed, stable, and responsible gentleman. He accepted my crazy feminine, nomadic, adventurous, flexible, and spiritual side, except for my promiscuous past.

I was sitting with my feelings, aware of having done lots of healing surrounding that breakup, yet not quite done with accepting myself fully. Otherwise, I wouldn't have attracted someone new who didn't accept all of me AGAIN. Other people are our mirrors.

I pulled out two oracle cards to interpret later.

I felt guided to place my hand on my root chakra... Cool, one oracle card said - No place like home...so let's come home to myself. Obviously, self-acceptance must be rooted in something else than the ability to forge satisfying relationships... During the second part of my meditation when all these past feelings of non-acceptance came flooding over me, I broke down. Many, many tears flooded my face this time. If self-love comes from God, in fact, self-acceptance must come from me...

As I cried for no specific reason, I knew that the only way to heal was to stick with the process... I don't know how long I cried for, but when the timer set off, I wasn't done yet.

It's important to not keep rushing these emotions to the end. They explode because we've kept suppressing them for so long. We don't have to name the pain nor identify with it. Just breathe through it. Soon enough I felt waves of relief. I deepened my breathing, tried to ground myself... and knew that something mega essential had just taken place...

In the last 10-15 minutes I finally meditated with an emptier mind and peaceful heart... The ceiling fan dried up my face, and I experienced home within. The cards confirmed that authenticity, believing in having my place in the world, and trusting the spirit are all I need to keep going.

My mental, emotional and physical health has never been better thanks to these practices of chakra healing and daily connecting with my guides. I'm so glad that I'm never alone and that the greater love I used to seek outside of me is only a meditation away.

P.S: A couple of days later I remembered another breakup. Sure enough, the theme of this full moon in Gemini was revisiting past loves... and Venus now goes to retrograde!

In 2015, I was cheated on, for the first time and the last time. We were in a long-distance relationship and he knew nothing better than to spread his seed in my absence as he's been accustomed to doing, and possibly because he didn't process his Brazilian ex's cheating in the past as well. In 2021 I've forgiven fully, completely, with love, compassion, and gratitude. I've had 6 years of superficial forgiveness, denial of trauma, and also an unconscious fear of having that happen to me again. No more. Clean slate. 

Thank you, full moon in Gemini of 19.12.2021!

Living in abundance

 

Abundance is a mindset of wholeness. Even if you're financially not too well off, when you feel whole, your physical world eventually catches up with your rich spiritual world. If you feel abundant first, you notice that your life actually IS very abundant - healthy, fun, filled with people, things, and opportunities that make you feel good. Some people might have been born into material abundance - but can they see it? Can they see how fortunate their circumstances are? Some people can't. Thus, they feel miserable, forever complain, and their life feels strangely empty - even while surrounded by plenitude!

For me, abundance is not just what we can see in the physical world. What we cannot see - yet we can feel - is that spiritual richness that gives our life a touch of magic. Not everyone has such a rich imagination!

💫Lastly, abundance is freedom of choice. Abundance is when we say 'no' to a shit deal because we know we deserve better. Abundance is choosing our work projects from a place of expansion; it's choosing our partners from a place of self-respect, self-love, and gratitude; it's faith that what is for us will never just pass us by. Abundance knows that even if the physical evidence doesn't live up to the expectation,  there's always more where that 'little' came from.💫

Choose from a place of abundance rather than a place of lack. Make all your decisions be founded on the belief in unlimited health, wealth, and love. Visualize it! See what happens. Miracles are real.

The art of handling rejection

Rejection sucks, doesn't it? I don't know a single person who loves it but I do know someone who's been through so many that they supposedly no longer affect him. Is that the place we all wanna reach? Or is there more to handling rejection than simply becoming immune to it?
I found that I'm, for one, not very good at 'rejecting'. Saying no to somebody or something can be difficult for me. I don't want to hurt people! Yet, if we struggle with giving rejection, we most likely struggle with receiving it too. I suspect that handling rejection well comes down to mastering 2 things.

1. Boundaries. We must have a healthy sense of where ours end and others' begin. We all have some boundaries, most people wouldn't let themselves be controlled willingly, unless coerced, of course. People have a basic survival instinct and therefore, need to make money. Ideally, while not selling their soul! Then we must assess: Are our boundaries healthy, pushy, or permeable - aka, when we're rejected - can we respect someone else's decision being about them without taking it personally? When we need to reject something, we mean to say "no" - do we say it? Or do we waver, say "maybe", or even "Yes, after all, it can be a good deal if I close both of my eyes..."
Clearly, we must get better at assertiveness for our own healthy sense of self!

2. Emotional vulnerability. Sometimes you just wanna help, you want to be available despite being busy; you feel like you need to save someone, and - a big one for me - not have them feel bad. I feel bad myself if I have to reject someone's effort to sell me something. I admire salesy people! A skill that I don't have. I dislike offending someone with my rejection of their efforts. If I see the desperation in their eyes, I'm prompted to say "yes" to save the day. If I go to a shop filled with junk yet somehow I end up spending a long time there staring at the stuff... I most likely end up buying something just to: not look bad, cheap, time-waster, poor (not the same as cheap), or weird.
It is never about them - it's about us and our needs!
I realized that we have to forget what anybody else thinks.

Choosing accommodation - such an important thing wherever you are - can be comparable to choosing a partner for a relationship!
Last week in Mexico, after seeing so many atrocious apartments to rent, I saw one acceptable, and I was like - it's a deal! bring it on, I take it, I love it, with dollar bills in my eyes... It wasn't love at first sight, but I was tired of flat-hunting and I needed to save money (so I thought). It was located 5 mins walk from the beach. The only plus. Two days after moving in, I can see it's a little dump right on a mega noisy street where people spit right outside of your door, it gets overheated inside, while the a/c doesn't quite do its job (plus it costs extra!).

Dating. After all the horrid dates from Bumble, when your first guy was way shorter than his online profile said, the other posted photos from 10 years ago, and some didn't even bother to show up, you finally get to meet someone interesting and entertaining, and before you know it, you imagine having babies with him.
The next day you take the rosy glasses off to see that you signed up for  Shreck with a soul of a dark, damp basement with no windows. Voila! Flat-hunting is scarily similar to man-hunting.

Pull yourself together before you do either! And have patience.
It's our birthright to choose what's best for us at any given moment.

Rejecting silently. 

Last weekend, I met up with a like-minded person for a drink. I don't know what he considered 'a drink' a code for, but after re-traumatizing myself with all the Friday night clubbing noise, I excused myself. It was only 9pm, but grandmother needed to go to bed. I wanted to walk home alone.
I haven't heard from him for a week.
Normally, a guy, any chivalry man, would have texted you: Did you get home alright?
Well, anyway, my man would, this guy didn't. I text this sentence to my female friends after letting them go home alone at night - every fuckin' time.
Rejection can come indirectly - my leaving home early, alone, not being interested in him in a romantic way was possibly obvious without words. Not voicing it out loud - silent rejection, it's still something we have to deal with if we had different plans.

Voicing it without caution.

One time in Dubai, on a "blind date", I said it out loud. Not interested. In a public nightclub surrounded by people. Not interested. The guy went berserk. He shouted at me that I have no idea how powerful he is, and who do I think I was? He threatened me via messages later after I stormed out of the club: Your last night in Dubai...
Well, good to know, because if he was serious - he wouldn't have prepared me for something sinister to come!
(All was fine. Block and delete.)

Being rejected. I was also rejected. A number of times. Too many times for my liking - did it make me feel angry, lonely, isolated, like there was something wrong with me, did it make me run a private riot, binge on wine, overeat, starve, not sleep, not get out of bed, not exercise, overexercise, turn promiscuous, become celibate, hate my life, and change my life for the better? You guessed it. All of it and beyond.
No immunity here - not back then.

How do I deal with rejection these days? I anticipate it, and I avoid it. Both are equally crazy but smart! When my man doesn't pick up the phone, my inner 3-year-old kicks in. She's rageful, unloved, lost. But in a snap of a finger, I begin to manage it, soothe it.
I see it as a helpful challenge - besides, I shouldn't call him every time I feel needy, starved for love, hungry to connect. So I connect to LOVE first. I self-soothe, I am there for me before anybody else. I am the only constant in my life. 

And so I change my vibration, get on with my day, no matter how difficult and lonely, I embody the masculine principles he would have otherwise transmitted into my life via the phone line. The divine masculine and divine feminine are in all of us and always available to bring us wholeness, inclusion, self-love, and connection to divine love. 

Then when we eventually speak, I am integrated. I no longer sound needy, hurt, or ask for validation.
That's at the root of rejection anyway. Asking someone to meet our needs, asking for love, safety, and validation. It hurts if we're turned away... So how can you give all that to yourself now?

How I practice boundaries these days. With mistakes, and too late, but still.
I left a voicemail to my landlord: "I know I signed up for 3 months, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving this dirty, noisy dump the next month. Cheers."


Keep practicing handling rejection with grace!

Or ask me to help. x

Letting go / emotional self-regulation

On healing and letting go

My foot completely healed! In my previous blog post, I revealed that the pain could have been an old injury surrounded by many emotional triggers. I went deep into dissolving that emotionality, replaying the experience and forgiving. Myself, and the people who triggered me. Mostly myself. The foot was getting better but it wasn't complete until I LET GO OF BEING PERFECT.

I let go of being in the perfect physical shape, of the need to always be ahead when it came to the arts of healing and coaching, to forgive fast even though it still hurt, to always know the answer when it came to pain, physical ailments, or trapped emotions, to know the right thing to do, to exercise to lose weight, and starve myself to heal ... I let go. because if all the above actions were bulletproof - I, and so many others I know, would have been healed already. I took my days easy, I only cycled as not to put pressure on the inflamed, yet perfectly looking foot, I meditated and I ate - despite moving minimally.

Btw. Someone I respect(ed) got 'covid' and scared all his Facebook followers with his difficult journey of recovery. He fasted for 8 days all the while feeling shit, then he finally got hold of ivermectin, and 2 weeks in shared a post about feeling all over the place after taking the meds, but he's all healed. Surely, if fasting when we're sick was the answer, we all would be golden now. My take is - you have to support the body by giving it some nutrients, and some.

I said goodbye to the pain in my foot, and hello, common cold! The foot healed, but my body crashed regardless.

WTF? I thought I nailed the reasons behind the old injury coming back and that I'd stay on top of the game! but no... I was still doing something against my wellbeing.

Emotional self-regulation is a topic that I thought would be common sense to me. Anger is an example of an emotion that when unchecked, can cause both massive destructions on the outside and self-destruction on the inside. And I was fuckin' angry!!

Perhaps because I had a lot of spare time, my social media consumption got out of hand. I consumed all the bad world news, new lockdowns, non-sensical restrictions, everything that goes against my natural health protocols... All the photos of masked-up sheeple, I couldn't take it. One day I broke down and cried my eyeballs out. Why can't people see that we're in a psychological war? All the atrocities that have been happening throughout centuries - you think it stopped? Just like that, the people in power turned into angels with your best interests in mind? No. It's only more cunning now.

After the breakdown, my health went downhill. I met some nice awake people on the beach and realized that my body was with them but my mind was elsewhere. They had a good life and didn't care about the state of the world. Why can't I be just like them? I needed to get my emotions under check.

I won't bore you with my "cold story" (or mild flu, possibly convid if I got tested, but these conditions aren't contagious, it's a private business of the body!!!!!!) It got worse before it got better. Today I feel nearly back to 100%, probably 98 :) It's wonderful what copious amounts of vitamin C, zinc, sunshine on bare skin without UV protection, rest, good food, AND distancing from bad news can do. We can never fully separate from the rest of the world. It doesn't matter that I'm in Mexico and you're in dark, gray UK or wherever they imprisoned you - I still feel with you. That's why emotional regulation is key!

I healed from this flu because I understood how I brought it upon myself. I released my anger, replaced it with connection, sunshine, focus on what matters, and I welcomed the process of my body's reset. Travelling takes its toll, I'm on a different diet now, surrounded by different bacteria, and hey, back in the UK I had not slept properly for over a month. So, there you are.


If you need a little pick me up - don't be shy to contact me!


With love and wishes of good health,


Pavlina

Love and letting go

On Love and letting go

Some time ago, I said that long-distance relationships are hard, if not impossible and that I'd never ever consent to one.

Fast forward nearly 1 year, I still do not consent (to convid).

Seriously, I've never said to him - let's do it, but, being over 6000 km away from the man I love, who loves me, and being effortlessly loyal to one another - I guess that we're in one! This currently long-distance relationship has always felt timeless. He's decades older than me, has completely different life experiences than me, yet we met at around the same level.

I need a lot of freedom and novelty in my life, he doesn't. He loves his apartment of xx years, goes to the same pub at the same time for the past xx years, plus he's a committed dad to his grown daughters. He just needs a bit of spice and I can use some stability! It's been serving.

I don't have problems with commitments, on the contrary, I love them, they make my routines predictable. At the same time, there always needs to be an exit sign in sight for me to feel safe. Otherwise, I feel trapped and I project traumas, my own, possibly that of my lineage, and the entire legacy of being a woman. The feminine in all of us doesn't like even a slight perception of control. Take it or leave it.

He understands.

We've had so many power battles, and several misunderstandings of one another, that what actually brought us closer together was when we let each other go...

At first, while still in England, I toyed with the idea to find another masculine embrace to run into.... but I sat with my emotions instead. Jake taught me the power of commitment and loyalty like no one else. Unforcefuly, with love, while dealing with his own jealousy issues (unfounded when it comes to our relationship).

We let each other go, knowing we'd always have the door open for one another even if just as friends.

Love is a beautiful mystery!

Now comingling with people who are around my age, I can see that there's a reason why I never dated young flaky playboys. I hate them.

I've always sought true masculine givers who know how to protect and stick to their word. So hard to find these days. Jake's soul must be from a different century. I love our daily hour-long phone calls. I wouldn't trade them for any party!

If you need a little centering - don't be shy to contact me!


With love and good health wishes,


Pavlina