Today, I had to decide what I'm gonna do with my life in the next two months. I know you're laughing! It's not that natural for me to plan myself too far ahead. Ehm, you've probably had another bout of laughter! Come on, I'm in Mexico! Every other person here doesn't know where they'll be next week, let alone in 2 months. In fact, some people don't even plan for the next day.
I can't say whether I decided on the housesitting and petsitting option because I'm so devoted to my friend who's leaving for the USA, or because I'm skint. There were not that many options. Maybe it was a bit of both.
I'm itching for a change of scenery. I really want to travel. But when I look at my bank account, I stash the suitcase away.
So the vision of staying put in one place for 7 more weeks is... disheartening a little. Because I'd really like to feel free to do what I want. Now I have to manage possible Airbnb guests and walk and feed the dogs every day till my friend and her son return.
What an ordeal! Now you scream in sarcasm...
That's how it feels to me... I realized that I get easily retraumatized by the sensations of 'home'. There's no impending danger, no domestic violence, no dominant abusive mother beating me... but I still sense her.
I feel trapped. I need to run to safety.
Then I come back to reality and see that I'm not in a prison, I'm free, and I'm safe. What happened is that I made a commitment to stay, I gave my word to a friend, and promised that I'd stay for a set amount of time... What if I can't keep it?
Inner dialogue:
- Okay, but you're gonna have the whole place for yourself, Pavlina, and you're actually free to leave the house during the day and find some fun... so what's your problem?
- My problem is that as long as I'm not making progress in earning online, then I'm wasting my time in Playa del Carmen. I need the opportunities of the West...
- You really cannot wait 2 months to sort yourself out? Just help a friend in need first. Stay present.
- Easily said...
What if the Airbnb guests do my head in? Or worst, what if no one comes and my friend will blame me for it??
I do worry a lot, even for other people.
No wonder I'm still not out of the woods with my gastrointestinal issues.
I am grateful for my time in Mexico and for this house located in the best part of Playa del Carmen.
On the other hand, I live like a hermit these days, creating my own cell.
I not only need to learn to release fears when it comes to making commitments, but also to find freedom in them. Because it's been always about that.
I want other people to feel free when they commit to me... but I know how damn hard that is... Gotta drink my own medicine first!
