When a healer needs healing

In May 2020, I had a little scooter accident in Surat Thani, Thailand. I've had a coupla minor ones before as a passenger, but only one stupid one when driving myself alone, checking the bag between my legs, and smashing my left foot on the pole. It damn hurt. I kept driving and got myself to the destination with an elephant foot. I largely mended it with cold compress and balms, yet kept putting pressure on it either by walking or dancing like a lunatic.

A mere few days after the injury, I was stomping in my room like a madwoman despite the discomfort. The ankle and arch still played all colors of the rainbow. I was, in fact, real mad. A man who tried to mess with my head and bullshit me a week earlier decided to break my heart and call me about a new romantic interest... who happened to be my friend. There. I've never shared about this before simply because I brushed it off the table, I blocked him and blocked her, and never looked back. Clearly, I didn't heal the emotional experience surrounding my leaving of Koh Phangan, feeling lonely in Surat Thani, and the physical experience of injuring myself. The call was unnecessary. I was ready to forget about the brief fling anyway, but his words triggered my anger and rejection issues so much. I moved on, found a more aligned tribe in Koh Samui, but the damage has been done.

I continued dancing every day, dancing with my rejection and feelings of betrayal. I wasn't resting my foot at all. It healed... well, you could say so by the look of it.

Now, 1,5 years later the pain came back... I got off the plane in Cancun just about fine to take a walk to the beach site on zero sleep to try and adjust my biorhythm. I'm in a very different place physically and emotionally from the one in Thailand. First of all, I'm happily in love with the most responsible, committed, and loving man I know, who isn't physically next to me but calls me 2x a day, and who encourages the free spirit in me. Second, Cancun is not full of non-committal hippies, psychedelics, and 2-faced junkie friends. Except for natural tiredness, I had no physical ailments... until I pushed myself to walk too far... then I started to feel tremendous pain in my tights, shins, ankles... all the way down to my toes.

I got to bed early every night, hoping that the pain in my feet would disappear by the morning... Yesterday morning it became clear that the pain in my left foot is here to stay for a while. It was unbearable. Exactly the same throbbing pain I felt in May 2020, yet without the same rugged look. I spoke with my friend Hedda who is also here in Mexico. Her wisdom helped me remember the Thai incident.

I dropped down on the floor in my bungalow and started to pray for healing. It was time to use everything I learned about helping people heal on my own body. I started with tapping on meridians, talking about the pain I felt, about my anger, resistance, not letting go, being afraid to move forward... Tears trickled down my face, I realized that I was tired, overwhelmed, scared... probably lonely in my solo adventure away from the man who wouldn't join me because he was waiting for the 'scandemic' to blow up first. I then proceeded with Reiki energy healing. There was so much trapped heat, emotion, and energy in the sole of the foot! The throbbing was palpable.

While the aching didn't go away completely, it changed. I realized that I had to put in the effort to heal the emotional side of it too. Forgive them, forgive me, stay present in the now... and also, that I should bloody rest! yes, I came here to chase after my dreams, make coaching my full-time career, but it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to surrender and relax a little.

I felt the foot throbbing before drifting off to sleep. When I woke up the pain halved. I'm still aware of it, but I don't hate it, resist it or feel ashamed of it.

It's just there... I'll walk less in the next few days and give it the time it needs to fully heal. It's like going through the accident all over again. It's a little bizarre because the foot looks spotless and it is fully mobile. But every step hurts.

I'm sure that more personal breakthroughs are coming soon! Apparently, Tulum has a way of bringing every little shit up to the surface. Perfect.

x

All well in Mexico

It's very hard to concentrate knowing there's a giant cockroach glued to the wall behind my back, but - here's an authentic Mexican experience for you!

So I made it. A trip that I've been considering for nearly a year. I'm a healer and mentor, somewhere happy and free is where I belong. There should be a big spiritual hub in Tulum, and my heart is leading me there. A year and a half in England where I couldn't find like-minded people was tough. It's time to stop playing small, and practice what I preach.

The frickin roach... haven't seen them indoors since Asia. I'm serious, focusing is hard, and eating here feels disgusting! My fault for choosing this super cheap Airbnb. Anyway, a bus to Tulum in a few hours!

Back to how I reached Mexico. Have you ever thought - what the fuck am I doing here? Well, despite it being my dream, it inevitably crossed my mind as soon as I got ripped off at Cancun airport and whisked in a shabby stinky car to an Airbnb in the middle of nowhere. The driver drove like a maniac but so did everybody else on the road. After wrestling with the non-functioning seat belt for several minutes, I gave up. I surrendered to the process of landing in a developing country. I'm not in the conservative UK anymore and no rules apply here. Isn't it precisely why I'm here? I decided to trust unconditionally. I played all my cards right and got this far, the universe must be on my side. I am safe.

I was so close to scrambling all my moneys and moving over here already in January. I felt a sense of doom and gloom when I returned to the UK (3x this year). Was it a mistake? I don't think so, nothing in life is a mistake. I found gratifying work in care and then fell in love with an admirable man in June. I wouldn't have known how much kindness I'm capable of otherwise and wouldn't have experienced timeless love. It's still puzzling to me how 2 people who are from 2 completely different eras can come together and form a solid uncommon bond. Connect in love, passion and multiply their collective positive intentions. He's rooting for me. And he keeps doing it even from afar. He encouraged me to make this move. I know that this is a soulmate bond, and the commitment to work through any shit that comes up between us is the best lesson I got this year. 

I'm not a traditional woman and I'll always live my life on my terms. I'm all for compromises because that's how I grow. It must be with the right man. Jake is it, but whether as a lover or friend, I don't know. He's planning to visit me next year. And if not, life always finds a way to bring the right people together. I tried to analyze why it felt better to remove myself from his house, yet not quite from the relationship. We spoke every day on the phone since the split-up! Discussing everything and being there for one another when we felt shattered, lonely, or jealous. There were necessary boundaries to establish. I came to a conclusion that because you're in a relationship, it doesn't mean you have to live together and definitely not that you are each other's property. Meeting up with him only for lunches and lovemaking felt somewhat freeing and more authentically me. I get mega defensive when he's being possessive and I know that my reaction makes things worse. We're working through all that.

pavlinalioness.com should be up in a couple of days.

Stay tuned for more adventures in this new chapter!

I am human and I need to be loved...

 ... just like everybody else does... What a great tune from The Smiths!

I'm not sure why it's playing in my mind. Oh well, maybe I am. I had a beautiful date with my ex... but let's start from the beginning. I'm pleased to announce that I'm still feeling brave and I'm embracing a new version of myself that has been, nevertheless, peeking from around the corner for some time. I’m not a little girl anymore. If someone’s gonna make my life great, it’s gotta be me. Finally, I took a few important actions.

For starters, I began using my YouTube channel. It's at its humble amateur beginnings, but you'll find me using somatic therapies like dancing and tapping on meridians. Very few words are required, not to your benefit, but to mine. I need to slowly gain more confidence regarding my non-native English and unusual accent. That aside, I'm very proud of myself! The other equally pride-worthy action: I finished a self-help blueprint that I started working on in WeWork in Manchester. It is proofread and ready to go. I'm currently sweating over a sales page. The marketing part is proving a little more time-consuming and mind-boggling than I would have liked, but someone has got to do it! I believe I can turn it around and have fun with it.

Third, I moved into my new short job placement, caring for a man with Down Syndrome. And he is amazing. It took over a year to find a placement that I would be happy to commit to on a regular basis... despite this little victory, and realizing, again, that I can be a super-carer, I'm sticking to my higher plans. It's these higher goals that excite me and shake me, knowing that I will help myself and others much more than staying in a job that makes me burn out. Let alone the fact that I've been allowing my personal life to fly by past me. I'm too young to sacrifice on the account of caregiving work.  I'll share my progress in due time. 

And the last bold move is something that was very pivotal in discovering who I am and realizing that it's time to accept it. I love, and I can love unconditionally, and at the same time, I wanna be a free bird, not tied down, single is great, and perhaps, have a lover on the speed dial... I called Jake and we reconciled, as friends. We both agreed that we didn't wanna fall out with each other and that we still very much cared.

It was a no-brainer to call him. Well, at first I caught myself overthinking, but then, there was such a void in my heart, I missed him terribly, I ignored some of his latest messages so I thought that I'd let him know that despite everything, I did miss him. We've been seeing each other since, casually as... friendssss... wittttth... benefits, oops, it really would be impossible to not sleep with that handsome and extraordinary man. I know, I know, he does have certain "narcissistic defenses" (I diagnosed him based on several youtube videos), yet, he is a good man. I know he is and I've felt it even when his daughter bad-mouthed him to me. 

By the same token, I know better now to NEVER move into his house again, or worse, let him think he's my boyfriend (or I'm his girlfriend). Some things will never change, and I should always remember that he is a low-key functioning alcoholic, self-righteous, possessive, and lives with, quite probably, a fucked up daughter. A lot of the stuff she told me about her dad was so twisted. I don't know why she did it, but if it was to drive me away, then how lovely! I don't need that. My life is quite sweet without family dramas.

This type of ‘relationship’ is possible because: I could always separate my emotions from my sexuality, definitely a super-power!  

I don't recommend sleeping with your ex if he's done something downright nasty or you don't respect him anymore. But if you're both consensual adults who still hold a lot of respect and love for one another, why not go the distance if it comes naturally. Sometimes life's circumstances are far from ideal, it's as if the divine timing was off, or we're missing something....but the divine timing is never off, and we can always make the most of what we DO have now.

Good luck turning lemons into lemonade! x