I’m writing

 25.7.2022 - the day I started writing my book. 1 day before my 35th birthday. And I’ll stick with it one day at the time.

I sat down and wrote precisely 444 words, the spirit knows how much I love angel numbers. It probably took me about 30 minutes, and it’s not perfect, but the essential idea is there. I can’t believe it. My mind is racing with stories. The outline finally came together clear as a day, and I’m sure it’s going to evolve as I go along.

What inspired the sitting down and writing? A lovely meeting with a kind soul who took notes as I spoke! Over a glass of champagne, we talked about life lessons despite the fact that we met just a few days before. It was so nice to see someone being impacted by what I said that they actually jotted down some of my on-the-spot-thought-of quotes. What an ego boost!

Yes, I can be quite a charming talker… what a great idea to get over my imposter syndrome plus other self-imposed limitations and just write! Just do it.

I'll be back... full on.

I will start writing again, I must. It's my superpower and my personal therapy.

I have so much to write about. Luckily, I have been taking mental and physical notes too!

I think I found my mojo again, in England out of all places. Not having the time to do many creative things, but it was to be exprected from having a new start, or rather, starting over in an old-new place that is pretty intense, as London can be.

I wanna do everything, write, but make money out of it, coach, and make money out of it, dance, and also make a lot of money out of it, and even babysit kids and help the elderly have a more comfortable life.  That I'm already getting paid for. In an ideal life, I do that while having my freedom and privacy as well. I'm kind of all over the place rigth now. Maybe I'm compensating by shopping a lot. But I'm pleased to announce that the worst part of the overwhelm is finally over now.

I'm setting up peakd.com, if you wanna create a free account, write down @pavlinaf as a referral, thank you.

Meanwhile, psyche yourself up for my next uncensored post! ;)

Hang on, it's not a prison, it's called commitment.

Right, this post is going to show you how much I've been struggling with any system, structure, and obligation in my life. I just h*ate it. I frickin' h*te h*te it. Like if hate was a dirty word... Hate is a strong word, but thank god, I'm not afraid of the full spectrum of all my emotions.

Today, I had to decide what I'm gonna do with my life in the next two months. I know you're laughing! It's not that natural for me to plan myself too far ahead. Ehm, you've probably had another bout of laughter! Come on, I'm in Mexico! Every other person here doesn't know where they'll be next week, let alone in 2 months. In fact, some people don't even plan for the next day. 

I can't say whether I decided on the housesitting and petsitting option because I'm so devoted to my friend who's leaving for the USA, or because I'm skint. There were not that many options. Maybe it was a bit of both.

I'm itching for a change of scenery. I really want to travel. But when I look at my bank account, I stash the suitcase away. 

So the vision of staying put in one place for 7 more weeks is... disheartening a little. Because I'd really like to feel free to do what I want. Now I have to manage possible Airbnb guests and walk and feed the dogs every day till my friend and her son return. 

What an ordeal! Now you scream in sarcasm...

That's how it feels to me... I realized that I get easily retraumatized by the sensations of 'home'. There's no impending danger, no domestic violence, no dominant abusive mother beating me... but I still sense her.

I feel trapped. I need to run to safety.

Then I come back to reality and see that I'm not in a prison, I'm free, and I'm safe. What happened is that I made a commitment to stay, I gave my word to a friend, and promised that I'd stay for a set amount of time... What if I can't keep it?

Inner dialogue:

- Okay, but you're gonna have the whole place for yourself, Pavlina, and you're actually free to leave the house during the day and find some fun... so what's your problem? 

- My problem is that as long as I'm not making progress in earning online, then I'm wasting my time in Playa del Carmen. I need the opportunities of the West...

- You really cannot wait 2 months to sort yourself out? Just help a friend in need first. Stay present.

- Easily said...

What if the Airbnb guests do my head in? Or worst, what if no one comes and my friend will blame me for it??

I do worry a lot, even for other people.

No wonder I'm still not out of the woods with my gastrointestinal issues. 

I am grateful for my time in Mexico and for this house located in the best part of Playa del Carmen.

On the other hand, I live like a hermit these days, creating my own cell.

I not only need to learn to release fears when it comes to making commitments, but also to find freedom in them. Because it's been always about that.

I want other people to feel free when they commit to me... but I know how damn hard that is... Gotta drink my own medicine first!

Do not overlook the signs

Why am I creating a hormone health and self-care course?

Maybe it's for me. I am tired of not heading my own advice if it lacks structure.

So I decided to put all I know on paper, and then transform it into video messages. That way I can remind myself visually!

Honestly, how much pain does it take for us to finally change?

I'm asking on behalf of other people too because I know that some of us seem to take forever to learn important lessons.

Earlier this week I got the most painful bout of gastritis together with IBS to date. It's been a while since I was crouched on the bed unable to move. There were such occasions, yes, but they were usually resolved within 24 hours. Not his time. And the most infuriating thing about the attack is that I'd seen it coming for at least 2 weeks before that. My digestion stopped. I was anxious before my trip to the USA (that never happened), and then triggered by my new environment. Being surrounded by kids' candies, mildly stressing when child-sitting, galloping down coffee every day and eating spicy food didn't help. Yuck! A recipe for disaster for people with sensitive stomachs. 

Yet, I didn't stop any of it. I didn't take the time to manage my anxiety, stress, and diet habits.

Then one day I woke up with upper left abdominal throbbing. Progressively, the pain got worse so I didn't dare to eat. On Wednesday I vomited some bits from the previous 2 days... fever and bed-ridden. On Thursday the bathroom has seen me about every 20 minutes, the fever returned, and fasting continued despite knowing how my body disliked its completely empty insides. I felt like I received 30 punches into my belly. On Friday, I felt back among the living but whatever I ate just went right through me, leaving a trail of cramping pain with fear of eating again. I managed to hold in oatmeal, and later some chicken. Regaining 20% more strength.

Today I feel quite good, but not the most responsible, I just had a wholegrain cookie and unsweetened hot chocolate as a small act of rebellion towards all the fasting and bland mini-meals. We'll see how that goes...

Still, this time I learned. On top of already giving up all alcohol over a month ago, I'm now giving up coffee, eating in a hurry, and overeating after I fasted. Perhaps I should reduce my near-daily intermittent fasting anyway. IT IS NOT GOOD FOR THE FEMALE HORMONAL BALANCE! You hear me right. Studies on fasting were actually done on men.

Without self-care we struggle to keep everything in balance. Stop the pain before it stops you.

More details on the course soon!

Poised for a new life (in an old setting)

I'm still here in Mexico, 6 months in, and I'm pumped to be here.

Not being able to fly out of the country a few days ago feels like a blessing now. I have all that I need here, in fact, I have all that I need within.

This is a gratitude message that I sent in the PDC group yesterday:

Everything happens for some higher reason, and in its own divine timing. I’m grateful for not moving to San Cristobal a couple of weeks ago, and for missing my flight out of Mexico yesterday. It all makes sense now 🙏🏼 

Commitments, co-creating with community, minor or major ruptures, and staying put to create something unfamiliar from nothing, can feel scary for some of us. (I’m definitely guilty ☺️)

I feel the fear and convince myself it’s excitement!

I wasn't allowed to board a plane to the US... I shall write about it more in my next post. But no dream is lost. My dream was always to create a community, feel loved, feel that I belong, and be happy and healthy. I recognize the opportunities for growth right in front of my eyes. There's really nowhere to run and nothing to get to... I am creating my new reality from a clean slate. I must let go of outdated attachments to outcomes that are no longer rooted in my truth.

I found a great place to live in Playa del Carmen. I'm so grateful. More about that next time too!

Regarding love affairs, I believe that love should be constant, not a guessing game, not depend on the moon, or the weather...

Yes, it was a full moon eclipse on Sunday, a hypercharged day full of nervous energy just before my flight.

My ex-lover and I hooked up again and it felt natural, in fact, even quite loving. We still care about each other.

It was meant to be my last night in Mexico, and two commitment-phobes kinda like it that way. A closure for romance, friendship gets to stay, but no pressure to dive deeper.

We had some riffs, some misunderstandings and long periods of silence in between casual coupling.
First, there was his friend visiting and silence for over 3 weeks. Then suddenly, I was at his place, socializing with his friends, until they all went home, and we jumped on each other. Two secret lovers reunited.

The carrot was dangling in front of me again...
Oh hi, there you are!
Oh hi, you're still here!?

I guess the fantasy was still there... what if, what if we both change... what if... he becomes emotionally available and I'm finally ready to stay.

As Mark Groves says - having sex with a toxic co-dependent is like gasping for air after drowning.... good gasping. The itch is scratched, they must like me 'a little.' Immediately upon recoiling, we go back to our own worlds. I go back to drowning in my own anxiety, looking forward to gasping for air during another orgasm.

It felt good. But then the damn misunderstanding and communication glitches afterward...

A friendship can withstand some tests, but desire... desire is fickle. The sex was just a pacifier for my deeper needs, everything outside of it was the point. I didn't feel beautiful so I needed an emotionally unavailable man to feel validated. I felt lost, so I needed him to give me direction, but it gave me abandonment. I failed to fill the void with self-love first. It wasn't love that I was feeling. It was pain and I was addicted to it. An opportunity to heal. Because pain... pain is what love is to me.

The truth is, men, even women, can feel repelled by someone, yet still be happy to have sex with them.

Our parents weren't emotionally available, we needed to walk on eggshells around them to keep them happy...
Maybe disconnecting from myself was still my survival strategy, or maybe I was on the verge of a breakthrough. 

Fast forward another 2 weeks of silence, I matured up. I re-estabilished the connection and broke the silence with a sincere apology and proposed breakfast on my last day in Playa del Carmen. Breakfast turned into an all-nighter, with my leaving for the airport from his at 4am.

We understand each other and possibly, we helped each other heal.

But I deserve a safe connection. Someone constant and loving, patient with my occasional crazy. Yes, I hate that I push people away... and then I wanna be close again. He was only mirroring that.

My avoidant side wants a connection but is afraid that it'll never happen. My attachment style is 'Disorganised' - Come close, go away... I was unavailable, and just like him, I was also addicted to the chase.

New mantra:

"I am so grateful to let go of what no longer serves me. Unavailability is now unattractive to me. I am unavailable to unavailability. 

I am available for emotionally and physically available men."

Plus, God knows that I'm ready to have a child. I'd be a great mum 😜😏

Dear Eclipse, am I the toxic one?

I think I'd like to grow up now, make commitments, and embrace stability. 

Two people called me a little girl on Saturday. I know I am one. I called a friend of mine little boy this month, and he's, in fact, quite a decent man. Albeit super unconscious and so terribly afraid of his heart ending up in a blender that he doesn't even let his feelings rise up.

So there it is, karma.

Did I deserve it?

The incident in the morning - maybe not, but the guy had a point. Although we've never quite spoken before, he only raced to get my phone number on my first day in the gym a few weeks back. That's how it's done. A girl is about to faint from her first-in-ages workout, and an absolute hulk takes advantage of her weakness. The pile of muscles jumps over to ask if she's alright. I was more than alright, but I guess - my leaking boundaries and guilt-ridden female essence simply continued the small talk... and who am I to oppose a bodybuilder who looks like he could twist my head with his pinkie finger? I knew I'd never want to meet him outside of the gym, but I still gave out my phone number - what a smooth move and how well it worked for him!

So there, you've got the crucial mistake right there... why do I still feel obliged to give out my details when someone asks me? Why don't I just say no? Am I afraid? YES.

A little girl is afraid.

Then it took us 3 weeks to arrange something... because unconsciously, I didn't want to... and all his messages should have screamed alarm bells.  I'm not obliged to meet up with him, with anyone whom I might hand over my phone number... however, as a diligent good girl, I did just that and even arrived fairly on time... unlike him. So after 15 mins of waiting, I went to get my matcha and paid for it right away. I hate paying for my own drinks on a date but I was intending on leaving as soon as it was made.

He turned up and looked even grosser than I remembered, I'm sorry. I did not like anything about him.

I called him out on his lateness, and he turned aggressive towards me, in front of everyone, I said I would leave, and he told me to grow up, that I'm acting like a little girl and if I want a man, I'll have to grow up...

Right, in my own time, I will. End of story.

A few hours later, I received a text from a ghost of the past - a man who kicked me out of his house in Newcastle, NSW for being too heartbroken, hangover, and grieving over another man... End of story there.  Was that man a man at all? Or a monster? Or a little rejected boy for a moment? Well, he was well over 50 in 2016 so one would have hoped for some discernment already...

The text said - "Guess who dropped into my dreams last night? Have you grown up yet? Years ago I always remember thinking what a great catch you would be after you got on your inner journey?" as it flashed across my phone screen... it was then 'unsent' so I can't screenshot the evidence. The new message says the same except for the 'grown up' part - Why? I guess someone grew up himself in seconds after sending it! Perhaps realizing that my being a little girl unfit for his needs is well, a little pedophilic. ...

Funny, I felt like replying: Interesting that you're still single... but no need for any reaction whatsoever!

In fact, after recent events, I'm no longer even getting angry...

Men are weird, and I am creating it. Another entitled man asked me for my notes from a workshop for which I paid $200... you think that I don't respect someone else's work at all that I'd give you all info for free? On what premise?

Then I woke up with yet another erotic dream about a certain doctor that took a liking to me some time ago. The second or third erotic dream about us. Why? Do I wish that I would have tried it with him during the event?

I kinda do fantasize about that... wondering what it would be like, to do it with a real man again. But... there's something off about the whole thing. And he ceased our correspondence so... adios.

The only real thing or something coming close to reality was the second part of my affair with my friend. ...

But it all fizzled out so quickly.

Yes, I got super angry over his 'yes, no, maybe, no' games, I felt rejected, half-used, betrayed, and sad... of course I had to call him "a confused little boy" and tell him that I liked his friend better - he's a real man, unlike you! I said...

What a bitch...

My friend's friend might be a real man, but I get so fuckin' bored every time I speak with him... Plus, he just doesn't do it for me... Forgiveness isn't my friend's middle name for sure... I should really be done apologizing. He's making me responsible for how my initial message about his fucking around made him feel... oh, poor little boy! He doesn't have the guts to admit to his part of the responsibility for his mistakes. I merely called him out on it. Anyway, let's set aside what's real, what's fantasy, and what's pure BS to focus on what this eclipse taught me -

I am/was a little girl. 

I surrender, I admit it, it's true.

This time, I'm ready to make some big changes. Wish me good luck!

Being here and now

Here and Now... the oracle card I've been pulling over and over again and still not quite integrating the message!

I think this is a particularly important time to be in control of our own thoughts.

Last night I had an unfortunate THC experience, but perhaps it was good for a few things. First of all, I used to have terrible paranoia after smoking weed. I would feel more confused and lost than normally so I stopped it about 10 years ago. Then there's the mental aspect of psychotropic drugs. DMT in Ayahuasca would overtake my brain and spirit so much, I'd get anxiety with all the physical symptoms - hot and cold sweat, shaking, and generally feeling as if my nervous system was in someone else's possession. Was someone gathering information from my body? - may be another aspect of the paranoia. 

Last night, I ingested my friend's homemade cannabis oil with the full spectrum of compounds... Rather than going to sleep right away, I stayed up to wait for the full effects, and see how it makes me feel... I didn't like the feeling! A complete overtaking of my body and mind, slight psychosis you could say... I was so paranoid that there was someone in the room, or that I'd try to harm myself, or that my blanket was a man lying on top of me...

At one point, well after midnight, I was side stepping in front of my housemate's bedroom door, contemplating whether I should wake her up and tell her to keep an eye on me.

Even during this little madness happening in my brain, I still knew that that too shall pass... and if it was anything like the hash brownie I once ate on an empty stomach in Amsterdam, it would pass after a solid sleep... I tried, tried to calm down, and drift off... it happened at some point. 

I'm okay today but I don't recommend participating in psychedelics, especially, in these turbulent times. If I was considering Ayahuasca again, or even the readily available mushrooms here in Playa, I think that I just changed my mind.

I wanna be in control of my mind, especially now during my last days in Mexico while I'm preparing for a new chapter. And I shall live this new beautiful chapter, as I've written it a long time ago.

I need to make some important decisions for the future while living in the present moment - creating from nothing. How?

Taking it one step at the time, paying attention to my thoughts, acting 'as if', and raising my frequency. 

It's hard to stay present when the mistakes of past are still unforgiven, or lurk around threatening to be repeated... 

By the way, don't participate in other people's games... the games that boost their ego or even the narrative of heartache, blame, and separation... do not give your consent to participate.

All the best xxx

The void be gone - not! The void be there and be nourished!

I am celebrating my befriending of the void. It's like my whole 34 years of existence I aspired to this moment 😂
My entire life I felt swallowed by it, so alone - separate, unsafe, and insecure (well, there are still some confidence issues to be tackled). In essence, the hollowness across my chest seemed palpable - this long!
All the shamans, psychics, and clairsentient people would tell me - it's your heart chakra, the impenetrable shield across your chest, nothing can get in, nothing can come out... Thanks for the confirmation!

I've always been drawn to heart-healing crystals and colors, namely, the rose quartz and the color green. But the sad song continued like a broken record in the background. 

Recently, I came to the realization that the void will always be there.... so what can I do to live in harmony with it? Fill it with more self-love and other healthier things, whispered my heart.

I am now nourishing it, I nourish my void with healthier habits and lots of self-love and self-acceptance. My new living situation, and arguing housemates retraumatized me. I had to forgive myself for recreating a familiar situation because clearly, it needed to be healed. Instead of drinking my trauma away or looking for ways to mentally check out, I joined the gym. Spending days taking care of the body means true self-appreciation. It's not a painkiller, escape, or punishment. 

I pat myself on the back for showering my inner child, inner teenager, and the adult self with love, forgiveness, and unconditional acceptance. Nothing bothers me anymore. Ehm, the cow's milk in my morning coffee instead of the coconut milk I paid for extra? Well, it fuckin' pissed me off when I found out around the corner from the cafe! But instead of returning to cause a scene, I figured that it's not gonna kill me to just finish the damn cup!

Getting to know the void all over again has been a blessing :)

I feel so different!

Pre-full moon musings, shadow-work, and self-love

We shall experience Libra's full moon over the weekend, yay!
Yesterday, a rare planetary constellation occurred that apparently stirred up some interesting energy. That wave should have inspired surrender and forgiveness - which are also the themes of the upcoming full moon. 

I went to a public sound healing by the beach, it was magical. I was looking at the star-less sky, replaying the recent dramas that felt so familiar they retraumatized me. But instead of feeling anxious, sad, or bitter, I felt peace. It was as if the void finally stopped bothering me, or doing anything bad to me - has it ever?

I loved the outdoor event, exactly what I needed. I felt so blessed to have spent time in Mexico and found my soul family in Playa del Carmen.

Right there and then, I forgave everyone everything. All I had to do was begin with myself, take my power back, and forgive myself for forgetting my goddessness. 

Forgiveness and surrender... My oracle cards confirmed it, and so did my higher self upon waking up this morning... What if, it's not that simple with self-love.

What if unless we do a proper shadow-sweep first (I'll explain the concept later), self-love will always be half-arsed and frankly, quite a vague idea?

So what is shadowwork?

Can we capture our shadow and bash it hard? Haha, try it! 

You'll realize that force doesn't work here. What's needed is GENTLENESS.

Be brave enough to look at all the dark parts of yourself and stay gentle. All the negativity you despise, the traits you're not proud of, the self-sabotaging behavior, the toxic co-dependency, the overthinking, the criticizing, the self-bullying, the perceived mistakes you've made in the past, and all the parts you wish you've never seen because now they can't be unseen, they lurk in the shadow. Every time life gets you down, you get you down, you remind yourself of all these shortcomings in mere seconds - and it feels yucky! Lay all the yuckiness out in front of you and - LOVE IT. Love it with fiery acceptance, love it to health because what is not loved will fester.

You can heal the wound with forgiveness...

I've been quite vague with my sh*t lately so let's put this work into perspective:

I laid out in front of me all my past messy behavior, my early twenties' escapism into drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity, my mildly ADD personality, my despise of long-term commitments, fear of deeper intimacy with a man, panic about whether I want to raise children or not, whether I believe in marriage and monogamy, my unhealthy handling of recent rejection, love-starving, and then the ways I find to flee it all and check out. I forgave the child, the teenager, and the adult in me. I've seen misdirected love and unconscious evil quite early in life, yet I'm here, alive, healthy, and happy.

I feel so fuckin' blessed that I live/d a life many cannot even imagine... so blessed and so grateful.

My fixation on the omnipresent void has been fruitful after all. I feel I've grown since I started experiencing it again and not casting it back into the shadows. I explored it, I played with it...

What if the void never leaves, was my question, then what? Will I die from feeling this lost in space?

(Well, yes and no. I will die from old age, and it might be a different sensation altogether but first - let's reframe the meaning of the void anyway!)

Maybe the void is not that scary.

Love yourself with forgiveness and acceptance, all of you.

This is what this full moon asks you to do with higher intensity now, but it's what your body-mind-spirit asks of you on a daily basis.
This type of work is crucial for your mental and your physical health.

Not until the shadow-work is done, may we fully understand the void of self-love.

What are you rejecting about yourself?

I hope you can see how important it is that you get to know your demons.

If you're a carer like me, you must realize that forgiveness and unconditional acceptance are not only for others. They start with you.

Come to my thing next Tuesday:

When the void never leaves...

... it waits for its phenomenal comeback, like a paparazzi creeping from around the corner, waiting for the perfect moment to just bam - get his best shot, shot at you... and you're frickin' shocked, puzzled, wondering how the hell did he get there... again?

I've done so much shadow-work, I wonder how much deeper should one dig! How far does that shadow go? 

It has started properly 3 years ago when I first sat down in Vipassana meditation for a total of 10 hours a day for 10 days, then continued that work a year later, sitting in quarantine in a bungalow in Koh Phangan with my dark eros thoughts. The void let itself be known more strongly than ever before... 

I tested that I could not sleep it away, eat it away, drink it away, and certainly not fuck it away because I tried that way too many times.

The void was still there, at first it felt like it was located in the middle of my chest, but in fact, lately, it feels like a vacuum cleaner swallowing me whole, leaving my spirit floating in space unprotected by my physical body, afraid of utter lostness and aloneness. 

What to do when the void comes to swallow you whole? You have to deal with it. ALONE. There, you don’t need to read the whole blog post to find the answer. 

Yet... keep asking me away and reach out anytime the void comes on the stage again. Coz' I know that if we don't address it appropriately, we resort to filling it with external substances, wine, chips, sweets, casual sex, you name it. Sometimes it looks healthy - lots of sports, maybe a lot of new work projects - we bury it under anything that keeps us 'busy'.

No, we don't have to wallow in negative emotions, but if we don't take the time to understand them, they'll come back and we'll never find true satisfaction in anything.

I deal with my stuff, all the time. That's why it surprised me when the void came on so suddenly recently, and I felt the urge to fill it immediately. Anything, anyone, let's stuff it now. Oh, yucky feelings, go away! Can I gorge myself, smash myself, find a victim to stuff it with, please?

There’s no one to blame, not yourself, your parents, nor your ex…. You feel the void when it gets triggered. So recognize your triggers... And what's next, then dissolve them?

Let's see.

For me, a trigger can be an insincere hug, an invitation that never came, someone exchanging my company for someone else's, a smile not being returned, or being left behind by those who were supposed to take care of me.

the feeling that arises - is it rejection, disappointment, sadness, thoughts of not-enoughness, abandonment, or general emptiness?

I'd say it certainly feels like all of that is experienced all at once in mere seconds.
A hollow sensation can spread across your chest, right there, around your heart chakra, and sit there so empty, yet so heavy…

I came to a conclusion that I might have been born with the void, maybe we all were, the notion of separation felt real. Therefore, there’s no getting rid of the void… because it’s already a nonbinding vacuum empty of any substance... like the space, it’s not there, yet it's everpresent. 

What are you lacking?

Give that that you're lacking, fill the world with beautiful things, intentions, and actions of love, no need to dissolve anything.

Love and blessings xxx

P.S: Still keen to read about the void? Check my older article here: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/03/what-covid-19-is-teaching-us-about-sex-pleasure-seeking-pavlina-angel-lioness/

Aries New Moon comes with more clarity about WHO WE ARE.

This is a brief update on my mental health, lol. It's been an interesting week and I'm grateful. I'm feeling amazing now... super clear on who I am, what I need, and what I wanna do in life. I'm decided to sabotage myself nomore, no more deliberate retraumatizing.

I'm surrounded by wonderful friends, masterminds, and so much magical energy right now.

It's the new moon in Aries. This is what you can work with now:

By Dawn M. Harrison:

This month’s New Moon in Aries marks the “beginning of beginnings”. As the first New Moon that follows the Spring Equinox, it heralds a time of soulful kindling and conscious emergence, as we wake to those parts of ourselves that are finding their way to the light.

To be born.
To be taken seriously.
To be given a chance.
To be seen.
To be heard.
To be held.
And, yes… to be loved.

It’s time to face our fears head on and give voice to that thing called desire.

If there’s any part of you that was taught that your desires are not worthy, are not valid, or have no place in your world, then this New Moon invites you to unlearn that conditioning and burn those barriers down.
Full article:
https://risingwoman.com/new-moon-in-aries-april-2022/

Don't let the external ups and downs influence your inner Terrain for too long. Learn, accept the lessons, and move on to what feels right for you.

I am light.

A good day

Saturday.

I struggled to get out of bed on Friday. It seemed as if some entity possessed me... (haha, otherwise, all good up there in my head!) I canceled all appointments for the weekend so I could catch up on rest and some important self-inquiry into my grief.

A friend of mine stopped by to say hello, probably to check in on me. Upon entering my new place which I've been occupying for a little over a week, all the hair on the back of her neck stood up. I told her casually in the door - I feel like I've been possessed. "Yes, I think you were." She stormed in and despite the evening hour, and the beautiful white sage smell, she pulled up all the blinds, opened all windows, and told me to play a 10-hour long mantra in my bedroom while I sleep on the sofa that night. Okay...

You know, I believe these things. The extra foreign energy surrounding me, probably having been surrounding me for a few days, was almost palpable that day. Something was 'sitting' on me. A brick on my head, a chain around my neck, and a heavy curtain-like cape over my shoulders constricting my chest and well, all my movement. I could not function at my best, and waking up at nights probably didn't add to my vitality either. I did reiki, kundalini meditation, visualizations... I still walked like a zombie.
I didn't self-medicate with alcohol, which is normally the culprit behind my tiredness, and I fully processed and forgiven all the recent events that took away my peace. Maybe you don't believe it's possible to do it so quickly, but well, I've had some training in rejection in the last 2 years! Griving was a natural part of the process.

When all demons departed, my friend and I opened a bottle of wine to break my abstinence, and it felt great. After she left, I settled on the sofa and slept like a baby. Nevertheless, I woke up tired and still a bit 'off'. Right, this time it could have been half the bottle of red.

In spite of it, I proceeded to have a nice quiet Saturday morning, and finally felt connected to my body and spirit that has always kept an eye on me. On top of it, I was aware that I'm surrounded by amazing pals and forming deeper friendships with them, that's not to be taken for granted.
Sleeping with a male friend and then acting like nothing happened shouldn't have been on the menu. But well, we tried.

I bumped into 2 goddesses that morning and it made my day there and then already.

Surpringly, my dad wanted to speak, and we managed a heart-warming phone chat. I'm so happy we're on the same page regarding the plandemic... and in my 34th, I even shared the perks of my romantic life for the first time... Well, it's been fairly non-existent so not so much to discuss, but it seemed that he was happy to hear any kind of love story. I told him about hanging out with the loveliest freedom-fighters in Acapulco, what a lucky girl, and about my recent mishap. I have no doubt that I transcended all my daddy's issues. Don’t get me wrong, I still fancy older men and will continue to do so but If anything, the divine masculine stopped being such a perplexing mystery. I understood the complicated role of a father, forgave him for struggling with it, and in return, I received imaginary permission, which I never needed to begin with, to date. I felt from our chat that I was worthy of dating good men and lovable enough to actually choose and date the best one. Thanks, dad!

Then I danced... moving my body freely is a medicine. I ate, too much, but the right stuff, and finished the day with a beach walk while listening to a breathtaking audiobook (I'll write a review when done!)

I am a great manifstor. Especially the last few days, whatever I think of just comes to me in the material world.... including a free massage! A Mexican girl friend wanted to re-connect and called me out of nowhere. Amazing. 

OK,.... let's put my manifesting to test. I'm thinking of a man... an inside out beautiful, loving, financially well off, generous, stable, committed, emotionally healthy, fun, intelligent, physically healthy, fit, in love with me, respecting me, meeting my needs for the right blend of intimacy and solitude, and ready to claim me KINDA MAN ... coming into my life, now.

I'm so proud of how I've changed throughout the years... At times, it felt like failure upon failure, then wallowing in disappointment and frustrations, but actually, I learned, and got better. I have only compassion for myself. I survived my clumsy attempts in meaningful love and career, and it all brought me here.

And here is a good day.

When a boy meets a girl

When you're faced with a decision to either run away from impending pain or towards elusive pleasure, which one do you choose?
How do you distinguish these two? What if pleasure is only delayed pain, and escaping pain is addictive - then which one is self-sabotage?
Well, I knew it would all mess with my head either way. Then I heard this positive voice from my naive self that perhaps... perhaps not, this time.

I said no word, nothing to anyone, afraid not to jinx whatever it was that I was protecting by keeping quiet. Maybe my superstitious personality took the reins, or maybe I read the overall energy and knew that this love would be over before it even started. Silence is golden.

People tell you and show you very quickly who they are. Believe them. A boy doesn't think, understand, or explain, he just 'does'. He makes mistakes, he tries again. Did a change of behavior occur? Observe his behavior. If there's a sense of direction, leadership, a generous heart of a protector, and clarity, then he's growing.

When a boy has turned into a man he'll be able to finally admit that he isn't perfect, has healing to do, trauma to process, more love to give. A real man will do whatever it takes to get there.

If he tells you that until that's done, he won't be able to love you, not for long, and not the way you deserve, these are alarm bells. Okay, maybe he's exploring his wounded masculine. He can admit to having a closed heart and needing some time to sort out his confusion. Listen to him, he's telling you!

A man can turn back into a boy.
When the above (the wounded underdog) is a storyline that he uses with each and every woman he meets, tries to love her for a bit, and then he leaves her, he never actually steps above the threshold - I'm broken, let me fix it first (maybe with another woman). That 'fear' to go deeper within the given relationship will forever make him want to remain a boy.
He consciously decides that it is safer not to give his heart fully, and so he repeats the same pattern somewhere else with someone else again and again. I believe that our highest calling is to connect deeply, with all of our hearts, with another being/s in love. That's why we get these opportunities for healing and change.

Now swap 'man' for a 'woman' and 'boy' for a 'girl'.
That was my story too.
But hell no, I'm not repeating that pattern again.
I'm a real woman, clear about what I want, I ask for what I deserve, and I'm ready to receive a MAN's heart. A decisive man's, who'll claim me and hold me so tight that I'll experience the pain - the discomfort - of staying, until it turns pleasurable. Because:

If you want to have something you've never had, you must do something you've never done.
-anon

Dr. Joan Rosenberg says that we shouldn't use the words fear or anxiety unless there is immediate danger. A bear is chasing us.
She believes that if we properly label our feelings, we process them faster. "Name it to tame it"

I like her concept. 

I've been sitting with the major 8 unpleasant feelings, as she calls them. I let myself experience the temporary bodily sensations. When I accept my: Sadness Shame Helplessness Anger Vulnerability Embarrassment Disappointment Frustration, within a couple of minutes, it is super clear that feelings are transient.

I say it all the time that feelings are unreliable!

Channeling my inner Joan of Arc in Oaxaca

Why is it so hard to get a matcha latte without sugar in Mexico?

You have to make sure you remind the barista "sin azucar, por favor" otherwise, here you go, a big blob of some kinda sweet syrup right at the bottom of the cup.

Many times, however, even that remark is pointless since there is azucar already in the matcha mix but the barista has no idea. He’ll just tell you he won’t add any [more]. Why, Mexicans, why? And even more importantly - why don’t you state the additional ingredients on the food/drink labels?

Despite that, I’m in love with the Oaxaca mountains and their traditional cuisine too.

It appears that they use no fluoridated sea salt in Oaxaca as opposed to how they systematically poison with it the people in Playa Del Carmen.

It’s not always easy to live here as an expat, but little annoyances are bound to happen everywhere.

I hiked to an eco-park above the Oaxaca City and all sweaty, I craved peaceful dining overlooking the lake. Right there, with a donkey in the background, I had a quiet meal on my own, pondering the wonders of life, and possibly an upcoming war, and ate the best meal of my life, not kidding. With wine, it cost me around £10 without a tip, I know it takes 2 hours of a hike from the city but… shouldn’t they charge more for the experience lol? 

At the dusk, I concluded it was time to get back to the Airbnb and pack for my flight back to PDC.

A collectivo driver (local mini-shuttle) attempted to rip me off.

I knew he should charge me between $10-20 pesos to get back to the city - but he said it’d be $120. I said no, I am aware it’s collectivo. Then he stopped on the side of the road and took a piss, 50cm away from my head.

When other people jumped in, I asked them how much is the ride - for them, locals. They said it will be $12 pesos. My anger was already uncontainable.

I asked him to stop around the corner from my hotel. I let one other woman pay her coins, and I said - FUCK OFF to him.
Then recited a google translation which possibly didn’t make any sense.

"Me querías estafar, dijiste que serían $120. ¿Por qué? porque soy extranjera?? Y te orinaste con la polla a mi lado. Tú lo sabes. Vete a la mierda."

It was important for me to let him know my feelings. Not giving him $12 pesos was a matter of principle! Come on, I just left $50 pesos as a tip at a humble restaurant by a lake. No one tried to rip me off there.
And it was one of the best dining experiences of my life.

The driver took it, but I was still fuming when walking back home.
Fucking idiot.

I had a weird dance back at my place and even a weirder dream.

I was a bit tipsy from my dinner (the guilt came later) and I wanted to dance off some of the tortillas.

I felt the injustice committed on me, poor extranjera. I knew I had tremendous courage in me to fight for fairness anywhere in the world. A few shamans told me that I had fragments of Joan of Arc’s soul. Probably some of us do.

Weirdly, if there was a war, I’d prefer to fight on the frontlines, like a person engaged in their life, not just waiting and wishing for the best from a safe dungeon with storages of food - it’s a great idea, by the way! Not everyone will be able to fight and we want to protect those who can’t or don’t want to.

Look at me, it’s coming to my mid-thirties, I’m single, childless, and kind of homeless in Mexico. I know my life is valuable, but - look at the above 👆🏼 Aren't those great recruiting markers of a soldier?

On the other hand, I do wish that Berwick’s predictions in his latest video won’t come true. He’s been a little off in the past, so he can get this wrong again. Yet, he’s been right with many other things. I’m choosing to believe that this is the beginning of the end though. We should enter a biblical world as Jake predicted in June. It’s about time we made this world frickin' work for us.

And if not. It’s best to focus on individual lives in self-sufficient sustainable communities. Perhaps then I wouldn’t need to go to war. I’d stay at home with my husband, tend to our organic garden, cocoa tree, goats, sheep, chickens, and have a pony to get around on. Maybe a dog to protect us from animal predators. Plus, I’d be pregnant with our first child. In a nice environment, untouched by pollution, toxins, or the threat of a nuclear bomb.

I think that’s always been my dream. To live on an organic farm, have our own well with pristine water, and be completely self-sufficient, including the ability to home-school our children and perhaps the children of like-minded neighbors. 

It's time to get clear and focus on my most aligned, highest-self-chosen direction. 

Good luck to all of us! x

ANARCHAPULCO private raw review

The Anachapulco event was definitely beyond my expectations. I knew I had to create an intention but the only mantra I could come up with at the Acapulco airport was: My mind and my heart are open…

During a meditation I did less than 2 months ago, my spirit guides told me to come here. After seeing the price tag, I replied to them - you better make it extremely good!

And so the story goes of effortlessly finding my soul tribe. My absolute soulmate family. Right there in The Secret Garden venue, some wishes that I didn’t even know I had came true. I was part of something larger than me. Specifically, I embodied love and light without denying the dark, there was no escaping it since the current state of the world propels anarchy conferences like these. I felt surrounded by truth. The truth indicated it is not all rainbows and unicorns in this world, but as long as we stick together, love and light won’t cease to exist.

First thing first - it’s mind-boggling to me that I’ve been drinking wine every single day for a week, having at least 2 big meals daily consisting of the most meat, fish, and eggs I’ve consumed in a whole year, no exercise, just running after fun things to do, and I managed to lose weight! I'm simply throwing this out there. Food for thought, literally. 

I learned things... things about myself, famous freedom fighters, and the world.

I released several old stories and finally surrendered to the truth that I am good enough. Initially, I was getting off of the high vibe, the attention from many, many men, and generally, the freedom to be me... until it all felt too real. Then the mind kicked in. Who are you to think you're special and people would be genuinely interested in you? Who are you to think that your Bachelor's degree in Humanities would ever match that - that level of intelligence, confidence, or outspokenness about spirituality/health/the marvels of science. And the best story of all: You are definitely not pretty enough, good enough, earning enough, smart enough, or interesting at all in comparison with - fill in the blank.

These belittling voices came rushing all at once by day 3. Then suddenly, I noticed the opportunity to heal. This was a delicate moment to be appreciated. It was all there in front of me, my never-ending stories of not-enoughness, of struggle, of the need to hide and let others take the steering wheel of how things should unfold. 

I breathed into the void, the hopelessness, the sadness over these yucky stories feeling so real, yet they weren't real! I kept breathing and feeling the lies until it was clear as the sunny Acapulco day that this was not the truth, and certainly not my truth that I'm willing to still carry around and believe. I am divine and unique. There's no one else special in the same way. We're all uniquely special. I was meant to be in Anarchapulco to bring some light into these people's lives in my own way.

This was my first interaction with all of the speakers. I've only glimpsed their names before or watched half a video. Yet I learned about Jeff Berwick, Max Igan, and Andrew Kaufam MD in 1 week more than perhaps most attendees did in their lifetime. I got to know their real selves, without Mr. Google feeding me all the controversies. They aren't true. 

My final bragging in a nutshell: It feels too good to high five with well-known activists, be surrounded by good-natured like-minded people, make friends with beautiful men and women pretty much the moment you walk in, sit by a table with the biggest names in their field, get tipsy with health and truth protagonists, get random compliments left and right - (My favorites: Look at her, a proof that God does exist; I must admit I'm taken by you; there's something special about you and clearly many men would like to be with you), be invited to a private birthday party that was bigger than a lavish wedding, walk on the beach at midnight talking vulnerable stuff, get a Tantric hug that got me all tingling, agree with Max and Andy after our last brunch that we had no idea we'd hit it off, and finally, have the privilege to use my healing powers and share classy accommodation with a wonderful and fascinating woman. Overall, it was a smashing week. End of bragging.

Ask me how I could support you to speak and live your truth! xx

Q: What do true narcissists teach us?

A: That sensitive empaths will always be their preferred target, charm does eventually wear off, and there's nothing wrong with us in comparison with their twisted manipulative soul.

How come that in 1 year I managed to meet 3 narcissists? I've not even believed in narcissism! Then I fell in love with a man with so-called grandiose narcissistic tendencies, and after that I met a couvert/fragile narcissist born to a grandiose mother narcissist!

Yesterday, I finally opened my eyes wide.... the under 6-hour-long conversation (ehm, monologue) went well. He has vomited all his life story to me in one afternoon. A poor 'victim' of more than favorable circumstances. Spoiled by rich parents, and a self-proclaimed genius with good looks, always misunderstood. He had everything, yet not amounted to anything. (All his words.) Then he has slept himself to the top places where he wanted to be, finally allowed to show off his superiority, only to fall again, starting over, and hating himself (which I'm now not so sure of). He was shown perfection which he couldn't live up to, despite the fact that his mum's constant building of his confidence.

Sitting on my sofa, he's shown me the 1000 faces and flavors of a Gemini... I was breathing, for once, and every now and then discharging my feelings, sometimes amused, mostly frightened into the candle fire on the table beside us. I was looking at the man without judgment, taking in all that was articulated to me in one breath. Victim-consciousness - not really, sympathy-fishing - maybe, conceitedness - big time, some kinda narcissistic drug-abuse-induced manipulation - most likely. Suddenly, I could see his never-ending "I'm better than all of you - yet, look at me!" story for what it was. It got to the point when I had to say: Hey, I wanna be alone now, you need to leave. Then he started pulling out his wild cards - "I'm so depressed", then coming closer to me, pointing out the connection between us, saying "I really want a child", and saving the best one for the end when I was already ignoring him and making myself some dinner: "I'm falling in love with you." Sure. 

It must have become clear that he wouldn't get any, so let's bark this shit at her to just maybe, turn the tables.

It took another hour to coax him off the couch. Like a cyst that never leaves.

What this experience taught me: It feels so good to say no!!!! Even when it has piercing blue eyes, muscles, and a tan on 6'4 long body! We can always say no. And we must if what's in front of us is in no way for us, just no way... it feels so empowering when you can see with clear eyes and not deny your mixed feelings.

Perhaps I agreed to meet to have the last word. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. It is more peaceful in my mind and my heart now that they came to the conclusion that I really, really, don't want to be with this man. I can't even imagine associating with him. It'd be like a badge of the ultimate unconsciousness.

Do you know why it took me so long to get over the Yorkshire ex and I'm still not 100% in peace over the breakup last year? Because it never came to the point where I would not want him. I didn't want the relationship we were creating, the distance between us, the self-doubts his actions triggered in me, and the trauma I was projecting... But I never NOT wanted him. I trusted his potential, imagined our future together, but I didn't know if we were meeting halfway. If I could have the last word, I'd ask better questions (like I did yesterday with this new 'crush'). The phone call was stupid, I never got the chance to get a proper closure. A similar thing happened with the Australian. It took me 2 years to get over him, to see-think-and-feel that he wasn't the one. Two years after, on a sunny day in Darwin in May 2018, I finally heard him. I heard the BS he had been feeding me for 3 tears in person and over the phone, and I hang up on him. Done. I did not want him back anymore.

With Jake, it's completely different. I'm still obsessed with him one day, like if he was the best thing that happened to me, then thinking rationally the next day, I mean, he was/is an alcoholic. I'm just trying to stay present. Inevitably, I compared him to the Playa playboy, and felt a little remorse. Did I make a big mistake and should I run back to him? He felt like a safe harbor. However, it's all an illusion.

After the devil left my studio, I cleansed the space with white sage and I danced. I felt empowered and I knew that if I face the choice between a young playboy and a mature gentleman in the future, I'd take the gentleman in a heartbeat. I also realize that what is done is done, and I know that Jake would not understand. So I'm utterly alone.

Up until yesterday, I was overthinking. But life really does give you clues. Your instinct is everything. Your horniness is never worth the price. Be brave enough to acknowledge the clues in plain sight.

When history starts repeating, retreat.

I'm definitely re-discovering the dynamics that I don't want to repeat.

I've never been so consciously aware of the pattern until I just repeated it for the 3rd time in 5 years. I projected it onto innocent men a couple of times before, these didn't deserve my drama, the root of my misery was somewhere else. The fear of abandonment tends to send us unavailable people our way. The 3 recent examples weren't that unique, but they're still fresh in my memory. The same, same pattern, but different people/stories. 

I'm too well-read of Dr. Susan Anderson and too well practiced in accessing my highest self to let these tears do much to me... I'm too experienced in healing grief to know that this release is also a flashback of ancient trauma. In particular, it's my Yorkshire ex who's crawled on my mind since the start of this new story. It's all muddled up together. I don't know who's hurt me more. No past, no present, no future. I'm releasing old gunk that has no place in my body and mind.

We don't need to change in order to lure an unavailable person in. We shouldn't go out of our ways to keep their attention, inspire them to be more loving, communicating, to be there for us... We know it's not gonna happen, and the fewer ceilings we climb, the faster we come to realize that for someone with a closed heart, there's nothing we can do. The only remedy is that they become aware of the defenses they put up - at their own privacy and convenience. We can't open their heart for them. What we need to do for ourselves is to strengthen our boundaries, see with clear eyes that they are an empty well, we must be more assertive since it's clear who we're dealing with, and have love standards that we won't go below. We must leave before it'll get to the point where we'd like to save them - because we abandon ourselves as a result. 

It's time to go. Take shelter in self-love. 

My new mantra:

I take responsibility for everyhting I've created, and all the things I haven't yet created for my lack of clarity.

Coping mechanisms, separating the story from the facts

Just a few moments ago I was writing another blog post in my head, preparing to add a few hilarious "the shit that men say" moments. ... But then I stopped myself at the tracks.

In fact, we're all in the same boat, just navigating life and relationships in distinctive ways, making a whole lot of unnecessary mess on the way. I am deeply grateful for the chaps that I've met, bumped into, heard about, or kissed in the past. They too get confused and sometimes downright depressed in this mad, mad world with its mad, mad people just like you and I. It's not always easy being a human. 

Yes, I thought I'd pee my pants the next time another left out man tells me that his ex WANTED to be a single mum... and I actually nearly did on Wednesday, I thought wtf came over the men here in Mexico, but today I remembered that rejection sucks, and the more believable reasons we find to accept that it wasn't 'our fault', the faster we survive it. However, most men are oblivious to how they're consoling themselves...

I don't think that a woman wakes up and suddenly wants to be/become a single mum. She'd rather be that than parenting with a coward. She's still going to look for a hero to join her side. Unless she's given up, then yes, single mum will do for her. Women have more balls than men. 

Another coping mechanism of men that I can understand and even came to ADORE, it's their way of compressing the messiness of human conflict into ONE word. For example, a woman asked - What happened between you and him? responds in a drawn-out, muddy, and complex way, stating a mix of detailed emotions with questionable particulars... and that's exactly it - was that really what happened - are these facts? I used to be no different. Separating my experience, the story, from the facts became key. I invented truths that I kept near and dear to my heart, rehashing them in my mind over and over, making myself sick! What evidence do we have of our story being true if the communication between us and them was poor? There were facts, stick to those, strip them off of emotion,s and rephrase the story.

What happened? Ask a man, he'll say Different schedules. Both could tell you a story... an emotional one where they're clearly lost as to what exactly happened. If you don't know, don't go there. Model that male standard, lady. Say Miscommunication. Done. No need to go into details of how much he resembled your ex who crushed your heart by doing blah blah and saying blah, you don't actually know, you made up a story which then seemed true enough, yet it's still piercing your heart years later every time you remember it. 

Look, men are barely grown-up little boys, they too have feelings, dreams, aspirations... sometimes we can't meet in the middle. But I have faith that with patience, understanding of our masculine and feminine polarities, then sticking to the facts when arguing, we can eventually get there.

Breaking the pattern of dating the wrong or unavailable men

There are plenty of fish in the sea… why didn’t anyone tell you? Hang on, everyone told you! It’s hard to believe it when you’re dealing with grief over losing someone. Some breakups are even, meaning both suffer more or less the same, yet your journeys simply separated. Other breakups are very uneven, one mourns a lot more than the other, perhaps because the other half moved on with someone else a long time ago. On top of the feelings of loneliness, you now have jealousy to deal with.
All can be dealt with relatively fast, healing the present and past damages too. I’m always available to help you with that.

Let’s have a look at an example when if you’re new to the dating scene, you seem to attract not quite the right fish.

Is there old energy that needs shifting?

Dating can be interesting, it really can! Albeit, in the beginning, you might feel exhausted after giving a few men the chance to flirt with you, yet nothing comes out of it. Don’t let the wrong fish discourage you. 

The truth is, even if they were the only fish in the pond, they might not be your fish. The good news is that there are other ponds, rivers, lakes, and seas to explore! 

Why keep your standards and not settle? 

For example, my sister dated a smoker for a year, all the while complaining about it, to then split up with him anyway. If cigarettes or drugs are a red flag, red flags will never turn into pretty little trees.

The pattern of feeling attraction to unavailable men can be broken.

Just keep a few things in mind. First, men don’t change.
Period.
Women change, which sometimes shakes men to the core, so much that they decide to run. Most people don’t do well with unpredictability.
Masculine energy is stable, and men with more masculine than feminine energy will not change. What you see is what you get.
How you found them, that’s how they’ll continue being. How many times did you have to convince yourself of that fact?

You could keep saying: That’s a shame, with all his self-awareness, why won’t he do something about his vices?
Wanna hear another hard truth? He doesn't see those as vices.

Ask yourself: What does this experience teach you?

• It’s not your monkey, not your circus. Stay away from drama.
• You need to work on your self-love and self-worth, even if it is a daily effort. You really aren’t that confident if you keep hating your face and body. You cannot have high self-esteem if you don’t feel good about yourself, and you can’t feel good about yourself if you keep nagging yourself and listening to your negative self-talk. Who else is supposed to love you if not you? 
• Always be mindful of not projecting your pain from past betrayals… that’s gone. If anything, you’ve learned that your heart didn’t break. You get to meet much, much better men to replace those who lack integrity. 
• Do not compare yourself to any ex-partners of your new fish, and definitely not to people you admire. They all have a different path and destiny to fulfill. 
• Don’t go back into the same vicious cycle. 

I’ll borrow from Dr. Kelly Brogan and her video: What to do when you’re disappointed (available only to members on her private platform)

“There it is again. Move on. The pattern is exactly the same as it’s ever been.” - Kelly Brogan MD.


Focusing on some dreamy potential simply doesn’t work. It’s never been available in the first place; just choose to walk away. “Have the courage to see with clear eyes, acknowledge what’s in front of you.” And that it’ll never be different.
Kelly advocates to remind yourself that you have choices. Use affirmations such as:
“I choose to source what I need from places where it’s available. “

Stop the expectations, anticipation, projected fantasy, perpetuating of childhood pain; you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I hope you enjoyed this little summary as much as I dig this whole topic of breaking patterns altogether!


Happy breaking of patterns! x

Clearing, healing, and adapting

The shit that men say satire could go on forever and ever... so it came as a breath of fresh air that someone I met organically and had a spontaneous chat with (in Czech!) actually didn't talk shit.

Yesterday, I got triggered by someone commenting s h i t on my opinion on social media. A stranger of the internet, thinking they know me? They were wondering, apparently, I surprised them by expressing myself like that. "You never talk to me like that" - It would have been funny if it was not meant to be serious. Unsolicited ownership of my media persona. I am surprised that this daringness of strangers thinking they know me still hasn't ceased to surprise me! Forgive me if I'm showing too much of my human side. With all my spiritual self-awareness and meditation training, those odd annoyances still happen. Luckily, my ouvert reaction doesn't last long.

I was able to keep an open mind and open heart when I sat down for an NLP session later on. This time I didn't recognize the third of the group. It was an insightful session, our host Mirella is excellent at what she does and you can tell she's awake, aware, and very intelligent! Afterward, I was introduced to a guy who was also supposed to be Czech, yet we kept talking in English, funny. After half an hour I got him to speak in our native language. It was nice either way. 

Were you thinking that I have nothing good to say about men? Well, how about this: I confess that harbored a silent contempt for Czech men, specifically Prague born... hold and behold, this meeting was so fun that I decided it would be nice to see him again. We shared the same views regarding our culture, language and it looked like his childhood wasn't a walk in paradise either. All in all, it was the most interesting interaction I had with a man since I left England in November.

Funny that the encounter came after I "cleared space."

Not only have I had an argument with Jake the night before and was able to not think about him the whole day, that following morning I also tried an unusual meditation... In fact, I can't wait to do it again today! (I woke up at 5am today and have been creative ever since, so I'll wait for the dreaded slump first!)

I was tapping on my anxiety and fear regarding my finances, my decision to be a full-time healer here in Mexico, and all the previous failed attempts at being financially independent. There was something else... an underlying desire to be rescued. I tapped on that too... like, why the hell do I like being rescued? Why, when I'm rescued by a man, I don't like the dynamic we have together? Why do I resent my rescuer, why don't I still feel free, why does rescuing make me feel trapped, yet safe, and why is it that I require it in the first place???

OMG. I got transported back in time... I was a slave... and the one who bought me became my master, someone I admired, yet also dreaded and... well, I'm not gonna go into details. First - I've never done past life regression on myself, I've had glimpses of my witch and druid life before, but never went too deep into it because I didn't know how, second - I'm afraid that my imagination would get the better of me and the details would resemble too much of what I've seen in the movies. True.

Nevermind, that realization of the master/slave dynamic playing roles in my life was very real. I could recount a few examples where it was clear that the relationship wasn't equal. Respectful and fulfilling many existential needs, but not equal.

That tapping session made me weep, and break some soul-contracts I carried from past lives. It brought upon a cathartic shift. I could not pinpoint the change then, but I felt lighter and better. I switched on Dr. Joe Dispenza guided meditation, and I had further breakthroughs then. Now I know that I can write a new story.

I woke up refreshed and feeling so free and independent. That's what I call cleaning the house from the inside out!

I'm gonna make Mexico my home. I have nowhere else to go. Not sure what part it is going to be, but I'm here for a reason and I'll make the most of it.

The shit that men say

I’ve not had many singular interactions with men since I arrived to Mexico. I only went to a handful of social events but stuck with females, or I stayed in and kept to myself, especially, when I was processing all the recent changes.

However, I’m not an invisible lady… I get stopped by guys on the street, asked for my number on the beach, sent private messages from strangers on social media, and generally, there’s no escaping the human nature. We’re social creatures and we like to mate.

I agreed to go on dates with 4 men.

Here are 4 interactions that have left me puzzled, amused, downright bewildered and beguiled again, not quite in a charming way!

1.

“I don’t know where you picked up your wisdom but I … studied with these gurus, shamans, coaches, healers…”

Ah, if you have to tell me why you consider yourself a wise conscious man at your 50 something years of age, then you probably haven’t learned all that much from all these people. I thought that mature people no longer cared what other people thought about them. Perhaps I was mistaken. 

So… I studied and traveled too. But MY own wisdom comes from God. I could have stayed put for that to happen.

Nearly 20 years difference between us, yet I’m the one who doesn’t feel the need to prove herself. To anyone. Maybe it’s got something to do with my Human Design*. I was born that way! :)

2.

“It’s all good, Love, peace and magic”  While signing off an e-mail or a WhatsApp message.

In person it was no different - all rainbows and unicorns for this male hippie!

I like hippies , I just don’t consider myself as one anymore.

So… needless to say, 1 date was plenty.

Why?

We all know deep down that we are love. But the real world, especially, right now, is not all love and light. Humans do have a shadow, the moment I embraced mine and learned to peacefully coexist with it, everything changed! I’m no angel, but I’m no devil either. Love and light wouldn’t exist without the ability to recognize their opposites - fear and darkness. Then there are the gray lines in between. Everything has a shadow to it. So come on, man, give me some real stuff to talk about!

I call this toxic positivity.

3.

“Don’t be lazy.”

Hahahahaha has that ever worked on anyone? Has that command ever been good for anything?

It doesn’t sound very motivating to me. 

I know that we’re not all coaches or or healers.

So I sympathize. 

Would I use this phrase “Don’t be lazy” with my clients? to help someone summon back their productivity?

Would you use it on yourself when you’re procrastinating?

Nah. There is so much self-doubt behind procrastination. It could even be the inner knowing that what you think you must do is, in fact, not for you/not the right path/not the right solution/ it might even goes against your values. You’re not doing it because you don’t want to. And the paralyzing effect is created by your guilt and shame.

So…. Don’t be lazy as a response to my: I came to Bacalar to work on something but so far I’ve been procrastinating, and not quite doing it… Don’t be lazy.

Aaaaah I just wanna cringe when I hear this.

Instead I replied: See you on Sunday.

Lazy is the farthest from who I am. And if this guy actually met me in person first, perhaps then he’d understand. However, that statement helped me realize what’s really up. 

At my worst, I deal with so much second-guessing of myself, it’s debilitating. 

I am so happy for my self-awareness and for not reacting when someone triggers me. It’s got nothing to do with them anyway.

So I switched gears. I’ve proceeded to do something ELSE than what I set out to do. Something more aligned, and it worked.

Lazy is definitely the wrong word… but hey, perhaps he was nervous about arranging a date with me and just wanted to be ‘helpful’.

Well, he, everyone, deserves another chance, so I’ll go and meet him and see… but there’s already a small minus point. Lol

4.

“I felt this connection between us”

(Yes, I was saving the best shit for the end)

I felt this connection between us… Seriously???? I thought that this phrase was extinct already. 

What the fuck connection? Tell me, wtf?

You said hello to me. Afterward, this girl passed on to you my business card and then you wanted to have a meeting and chat about something spiritual… Fine. Don’t give me that connection bullshit.

After an okayish meeting where you at least seemed ‘non-threatening’ and didn’t bore me to death, I identified you as the man fond of 1000 flavors (my invented label for those connoisseurs that will always, always reach for the next best, more flavorful, entertaining, affectionate, enlivening thing. There’s no stopping them on their quest for chasing pleasure).

I know I might be exaggerating here. But I do give people second chances precisely because I’m afraid that I judge/evaluate people too hastily.

On the second or third date (third chance even!), I then wonder why I abused myself like that.

Now this man is not a bad man. He cheats on his wife with his best female friend, but hey, his wife knows… so it’s not cheating.But fuck, I’m just stunned why do I keep attracting men like these into my energy field.

It’s time to break it to him as he seems to not be getting it: What connection!? What?! I can’t feel it, man!

Ah, I miss my man back in England so much.

He’s wise and nurturing without talking about it, he doesn’t deny there’s evil in the world, sometimes spiraling down just like a human being, yet keeps quickly coming back to love, he motivates me, not scolds me, and he knows there is a timeless inexplicable connection between us without ever using that trashy phase to get me. 

* Splenic Projector has defined spleen and heart - centers of self-worth and high intuition. Defined third eye and throat - so I know who I am, and undefined crown chakra - so lot of wisdom can come in from the Divine. I love Human Design charts and interpretations. Contact me if you want us to look at yours!