Being your own... yet thinking of re-vamping it.

A lot of good things began happening as soon as I embraced my shadows and started loving the unloved and shameful parts of myself. I adjusted my life to fit my personality - not the other way around. I never felt like I belonged and so it prompted me to go traveling and explore other cultures. My family home never felt like home, and eventually, we lost it, so I had nothing else and no home to lose since. My strikingly exotic appearance didn't go down too well in an uptight small town in the Czech Republic so I learned to hide - not to stand out, to find safety on the road, and live out of my suitcase... for over 2 decades. Is this type of 'adjustment' still the right fit for me? I think I changed. 

The price I'm paying for my freedom to be a gypsy is obvious now. I'm 34, I have half of my life in storage in the Czech Republic ( oh, one suitcase in Singapore) and the rest of my life is scattered here in England. Most of it is with Jake near Manchester. I'm resting a suitcase and half in a freezing cold hotel room in York... realizing that since I already travel with a water filter jug, all the dry protein mixes and superfoods for breakfast, teas, portable milk frother, yoga mat, and a core strengthening wheel, I might as well start traveling with a portable heater too.

I'm not complaining. I'm just assessing the situation and taking stock of what is still working and what has perhaps run its course.

Sure, I seemingly manifested a dream come true job. My work can send me all over the UK even amidst pandemic lockdowns, I get my travel paid for, then I'm staying with a patient in their home rent-free and get a food allowance too. The compensation is adequate for a stressful job with many responsibilities. I'm a good worker. I'm also too selfish to do this job for much longer... Where has my own vitality gone? My own exercise routine gets a backseat and I have to prioritize a stranger's wellbeing for weeks on end. (Well, I just notified the office that I won't be doing placements longer than 2 weeks at the time max.) I'd like to look after myself more, and also go out to have fun, but I can see how easily I get tired of crowds and recharging at home sounds boring.

I'm not proud of myself for doing this job anymore. I am still hiding... and I'm not gonna get those years back. Moreover, I'm missing him. I know I didn't have to leave up north 2 days earlier... I think I just wanted to remind myself that I'm still independent, I can still do whatever I want during my time off of work and I don't need to rely on him to provide me with a home, or rather - a temporary shelter. Mind you, I should also remember how much that's convenient for him to have me within reach.. and benefit from benefits... Oh hahah. I'm probably playing house for myself. I can't lie, I love spending time with him and near him.

But to think of his home as my home, well, that's still a bit far-fetched. And I'm doing everything in my power to remain independent.. so ... here we go. A freezing hotel room in York and work in Doncaster from 2 days on. A gypsy? Perhaps. I might be tightly holding on to the familiar safety nets. I'm only human. On the other hand, it's super tiring being shoved around by my agency, and then making it worse myself by NOT traveling light and pushing half of my life on wheels around. Very strange, indeed, a very strange job and a very strange life you lead, Pavlina.

Something's shifting.