Bye, bye, England!

Sometimes you're under the influence. Of someone else. 

You don't realize how much of what you're thinking and feeling comes from their overpowering character, ehm, from their manipulation? I'm not the one to not take responsibility for my actions. I understand how much my desire to have a home, stability, and a masculine giver to take the lead controlled me... But hell, how much I hate being controlled! I had a feeling that I was losing the sense of my real self but I didn't have the heart to break up with Jake. Instead, I fled to 'take a break' in another country... I thought I'd miss him but... nothing so far.

Last year I did something similar. However, not because I was losing my feelings towards Chris, it was the opposite. I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him, yet I felt unwanted. I went home to 'reset' and at the same time, I couldn't wait to be back in Chris's arms! Yes, I sabotaged it a few times, despite really wanting to be with him. No wonder we kinda wasted the momentum. 

This year, my decision could look like the same ol' story, but it feels very different. Jake was just a plaster on an already healing wound. That's why it only took 3 months to see it through.

What brought this budding relationship to the end was quite surprising. How come that I found someone who ticked nearly all of the boxes and I still wasn't happy? Because one of the boxes was taken for granted: Accepts my past, I can be fully myself around him. I knew it could be quite difficult to accept, given how old-fashioned Jake is, but I'm probably too open-minded to understand how could he not in the end...? So even though he got over it, supposedly, the comments wouldn't stop... do you think it's nice to be reminded that I'm not 'perfect', a saint?? In god's eyes I am quite alright, an angel still. After a small conflict where I'd be fighting for my freedom of self-expression, perhaps even approval of my secret trauma, we'd enter a harmonious period again. Then I'd utter something, jokingly... and there we'd go again. It just never stopped. Anything I mentioned that was outside of the scope of his belief - or empathy for that matter - was wrong. I could not help but start to feel increasingly insecure. Now, would you like to spend your life with someone who makes you think you're not good/innocent/correct enough? Who creates a sensitive spot based on your long-gone past, therefore, doesn't get your humor about it, which then causes you to walk on eggshells around the topic, and around him? I can't. I want to be accepted and be with someone who can see my experiences like I see them - in an empowering light, a blessing in disguise. 

I'm sorry but I can't shrink to make way for your feeling better about your own insecurities. I'm off for good. Jake looked like he could offer me what I wanted, but clearly, it isn't what I need. This short romance did serve a good purpose as a rebound... So well, here's my medicine. It made me appreciate Chris a lot and release any remaining grief. Anyway, all chapters are closed. We oughta leave when the purpose has been served and we know there are no more treasures to be discovered. Bye, bye England, you were ... fine, but not my cup of tea.