Flipping the script

My friend Gina told me: "Don't let the environment control you. You control the environment. Flip the script. "

Yes, I am the master of my life; I never followed someone else's blueprint for life or the common narrative anyway. I created my destiny according to my personality, intuition, and aspirations. Admittedly, even that freedom-mindedness has always been underlined with slight anxiety and depression.

I've been coping fine since leaving Jake. Moments of grief would overwhelm me only late in the evening. I keep myself busy. I nearly called him last night, just to...don't know, hear his voice? Feel less anxious? Or get a confirmation that we're better off as friends? But then I started watching a brilliant video that accurately described the narcissistic man he is, and I changed my mind. It's here: https://youtu.be/TLM94DnKkQo

I nearly forgot that he even instructed me on what to wear and how to style my hair when we went out... Why have I ever thought that that was a man for me? I believe the trouble is that after Chris, I blamed myself for being too much in relationships, too avoidant, scared, and maybe not very submissive, so in this relationship, I tried to be the opposite of my authentic natural self, and it backfired. What am I? 15? 

It pays off to document everything on paper. I wrote down how emotionally unavailable Chris was, what he did and said, so now if I find myself missing him, I can remind myself! I still have a couple of diaries to get through, but I successfully burned (shredded) my journals from earlier years, and it felt so liberating. I can't believe all the disheartening stuff I journaled about since 9 years old. Domestic violence, drug abuse, and lots of self-loathing. For details, wait for my biography to come out at some point if I'll feel like re-living these dramas. I'll just divulge that my childhood loves were obviously innocent, oftentimes one-sided, my teenage years and early twenties held a lot of alcohol-filled sexapades, my late twenties focused on my independence, new power and showed my first real heartbreak, early thirties depicted several rubbish men. Up until last week, only a narcissist man was missing in my repertoire. Not anymore.

Moving on, I am so appreciative of this year I spent in England, having kind of settled up north, found one or two friends, and discovered that I could be a super carer. But having had the pleasure of going over my personal timeline in a nutshell again... it became clear that I can't suppress the force of nature that I am anymore. My life used to be fun! And I feel that in enjoying myself, surrounded by my spiritual soul-family, always following my own lead, and working for myself - I was actually helping a lot more people feel better than I've helped in this past year. Something's gotta give. If you've been following me for a while, you know the conclusion I came to and the decision I need to do to claim back my life, my pussy, my joy, and live again all turned on! No, I'm not gonna become a whore, but an inevitable move is happening soon. 

This time around I do have a vision. 

The only thing that separates us from living a better life, reaching for our dreams by demonstrating brave actions is our fear. And I vowed to never live in fear again.