I am human and I need to be loved...

 ... just like everybody else does... What a great tune from The Smiths!

I'm not sure why it's playing in my mind. Oh well, maybe I am. I had a beautiful date with my ex... but let's start from the beginning. I'm pleased to announce that I'm still feeling brave and I'm embracing a new version of myself that has been, nevertheless, peeking from around the corner for some time. I’m not a little girl anymore. If someone’s gonna make my life great, it’s gotta be me. Finally, I took a few important actions.

For starters, I began using my YouTube channel. It's at its humble amateur beginnings, but you'll find me using somatic therapies like dancing and tapping on meridians. Very few words are required, not to your benefit, but to mine. I need to slowly gain more confidence regarding my non-native English and unusual accent. That aside, I'm very proud of myself! The other equally pride-worthy action: I finished a self-help blueprint that I started working on in WeWork in Manchester. It is proofread and ready to go. I'm currently sweating over a sales page. The marketing part is proving a little more time-consuming and mind-boggling than I would have liked, but someone has got to do it! I believe I can turn it around and have fun with it.

Third, I moved into my new short job placement, caring for a man with Down Syndrome. And he is amazing. It took over a year to find a placement that I would be happy to commit to on a regular basis... despite this little victory, and realizing, again, that I can be a super-carer, I'm sticking to my higher plans. It's these higher goals that excite me and shake me, knowing that I will help myself and others much more than staying in a job that makes me burn out. Let alone the fact that I've been allowing my personal life to fly by past me. I'm too young to sacrifice on the account of caregiving work.  I'll share my progress in due time. 

And the last bold move is something that was very pivotal in discovering who I am and realizing that it's time to accept it. I love, and I can love unconditionally, and at the same time, I wanna be a free bird, not tied down, single is great, and perhaps, have a lover on the speed dial... I called Jake and we reconciled, as friends. We both agreed that we didn't wanna fall out with each other and that we still very much cared.

It was a no-brainer to call him. Well, at first I caught myself overthinking, but then, there was such a void in my heart, I missed him terribly, I ignored some of his latest messages so I thought that I'd let him know that despite everything, I did miss him. We've been seeing each other since, casually as... friendssss... wittttth... benefits, oops, it really would be impossible to not sleep with that handsome and extraordinary man. I know, I know, he does have certain "narcissistic defenses" (I diagnosed him based on several youtube videos), yet, he is a good man. I know he is and I've felt it even when his daughter bad-mouthed him to me. 

By the same token, I know better now to NEVER move into his house again, or worse, let him think he's my boyfriend (or I'm his girlfriend). Some things will never change, and I should always remember that he is a low-key functioning alcoholic, self-righteous, possessive, and lives with, quite probably, a fucked up daughter. A lot of the stuff she told me about her dad was so twisted. I don't know why she did it, but if it was to drive me away, then how lovely! I don't need that. My life is quite sweet without family dramas.

This type of ‘relationship’ is possible because: I could always separate my emotions from my sexuality, definitely a super-power!  

I don't recommend sleeping with your ex if he's done something downright nasty or you don't respect him anymore. But if you're both consensual adults who still hold a lot of respect and love for one another, why not go the distance if it comes naturally. Sometimes life's circumstances are far from ideal, it's as if the divine timing was off, or we're missing something....but the divine timing is never off, and we can always make the most of what we DO have now.

Good luck turning lemons into lemonade! x