When a healer needs healing

In May 2020, I had a little scooter accident in Surat Thani, Thailand. I've had a coupla minor ones before as a passenger, but only one stupid one when driving myself alone, checking the bag between my legs, and smashing my left foot on the pole. It damn hurt. I kept driving and got myself to the destination with an elephant foot. I largely mended it with cold compress and balms, yet kept putting pressure on it either by walking or dancing like a lunatic.

A mere few days after the injury, I was stomping in my room like a madwoman despite the discomfort. The ankle and arch still played all colors of the rainbow. I was, in fact, real mad. A man who tried to mess with my head and bullshit me a week earlier decided to break my heart and call me about a new romantic interest... who happened to be my friend. There. I've never shared about this before simply because I brushed it off the table, I blocked him and blocked her, and never looked back. Clearly, I didn't heal the emotional experience surrounding my leaving of Koh Phangan, feeling lonely in Surat Thani, and the physical experience of injuring myself. The call was unnecessary. I was ready to forget about the brief fling anyway, but his words triggered my anger and rejection issues so much. I moved on, found a more aligned tribe in Koh Samui, but the damage has been done.

I continued dancing every day, dancing with my rejection and feelings of betrayal. I wasn't resting my foot at all. It healed... well, you could say so by the look of it.

Now, 1,5 years later the pain came back... I got off the plane in Cancun just about fine to take a walk to the beach site on zero sleep to try and adjust my biorhythm. I'm in a very different place physically and emotionally from the one in Thailand. First of all, I'm happily in love with the most responsible, committed, and loving man I know, who isn't physically next to me but calls me 2x a day, and who encourages the free spirit in me. Second, Cancun is not full of non-committal hippies, psychedelics, and 2-faced junkie friends. Except for natural tiredness, I had no physical ailments... until I pushed myself to walk too far... then I started to feel tremendous pain in my tights, shins, ankles... all the way down to my toes.

I got to bed early every night, hoping that the pain in my feet would disappear by the morning... Yesterday morning it became clear that the pain in my left foot is here to stay for a while. It was unbearable. Exactly the same throbbing pain I felt in May 2020, yet without the same rugged look. I spoke with my friend Hedda who is also here in Mexico. Her wisdom helped me remember the Thai incident.

I dropped down on the floor in my bungalow and started to pray for healing. It was time to use everything I learned about helping people heal on my own body. I started with tapping on meridians, talking about the pain I felt, about my anger, resistance, not letting go, being afraid to move forward... Tears trickled down my face, I realized that I was tired, overwhelmed, scared... probably lonely in my solo adventure away from the man who wouldn't join me because he was waiting for the 'scandemic' to blow up first. I then proceeded with Reiki energy healing. There was so much trapped heat, emotion, and energy in the sole of the foot! The throbbing was palpable.

While the aching didn't go away completely, it changed. I realized that I had to put in the effort to heal the emotional side of it too. Forgive them, forgive me, stay present in the now... and also, that I should bloody rest! yes, I came here to chase after my dreams, make coaching my full-time career, but it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to surrender and relax a little.

I felt the foot throbbing before drifting off to sleep. When I woke up the pain halved. I'm still aware of it, but I don't hate it, resist it or feel ashamed of it.

It's just there... I'll walk less in the next few days and give it the time it needs to fully heal. It's like going through the accident all over again. It's a little bizarre because the foot looks spotless and it is fully mobile. But every step hurts.

I'm sure that more personal breakthroughs are coming soon! Apparently, Tulum has a way of bringing every little shit up to the surface. Perfect.

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