When history starts repeating, retreat.

I'm definitely re-discovering the dynamics that I don't want to repeat.

I've never been so consciously aware of the pattern until I just repeated it for the 3rd time in 5 years. I projected it onto innocent men a couple of times before, these didn't deserve my drama, the root of my misery was somewhere else. The fear of abandonment tends to send us unavailable people our way. The 3 recent examples weren't that unique, but they're still fresh in my memory. The same, same pattern, but different people/stories. 

I'm too well-read of Dr. Susan Anderson and too well practiced in accessing my highest self to let these tears do much to me... I'm too experienced in healing grief to know that this release is also a flashback of ancient trauma. In particular, it's my Yorkshire ex who's crawled on my mind since the start of this new story. It's all muddled up together. I don't know who's hurt me more. No past, no present, no future. I'm releasing old gunk that has no place in my body and mind.

We don't need to change in order to lure an unavailable person in. We shouldn't go out of our ways to keep their attention, inspire them to be more loving, communicating, to be there for us... We know it's not gonna happen, and the fewer ceilings we climb, the faster we come to realize that for someone with a closed heart, there's nothing we can do. The only remedy is that they become aware of the defenses they put up - at their own privacy and convenience. We can't open their heart for them. What we need to do for ourselves is to strengthen our boundaries, see with clear eyes that they are an empty well, we must be more assertive since it's clear who we're dealing with, and have love standards that we won't go below. We must leave before it'll get to the point where we'd like to save them - because we abandon ourselves as a result. 

It's time to go. Take shelter in self-love. 

My new mantra:

I take responsibility for everyhting I've created, and all the things I haven't yet created for my lack of clarity.