How come that in 1 year I managed to meet 3 narcissists? I've not even believed in narcissism! Then I fell in love with a man with so-called grandiose narcissistic tendencies, and after that I met a couvert/fragile narcissist born to a grandiose mother narcissist!
Yesterday, I finally opened my eyes wide.... the under 6-hour-long conversation (ehm, monologue) went well. He has vomited all his life story to me in one afternoon. A poor 'victim' of more than favorable circumstances. Spoiled by rich parents, and a self-proclaimed genius with good looks, always misunderstood. He had everything, yet not amounted to anything. (All his words.) Then he has slept himself to the top places where he wanted to be, finally allowed to show off his superiority, only to fall again, starting over, and hating himself (which I'm now not so sure of). He was shown perfection which he couldn't live up to, despite the fact that his mum's constant building of his confidence.
Sitting on my sofa, he's shown me the 1000 faces and flavors of a Gemini... I was breathing, for once, and every now and then discharging my feelings, sometimes amused, mostly frightened into the candle fire on the table beside us. I was looking at the man without judgment, taking in all that was articulated to me in one breath. Victim-consciousness - not really, sympathy-fishing - maybe, conceitedness - big time, some kinda narcissistic drug-abuse-induced manipulation - most likely. Suddenly, I could see his never-ending "I'm better than all of you - yet, look at me!" story for what it was. It got to the point when I had to say: Hey, I wanna be alone now, you need to leave. Then he started pulling out his wild cards - "I'm so depressed", then coming closer to me, pointing out the connection between us, saying "I really want a child", and saving the best one for the end when I was already ignoring him and making myself some dinner: "I'm falling in love with you." Sure.
It must have become clear that he wouldn't get any, so let's bark this shit at her to just maybe, turn the tables.
It took another hour to coax him off the couch. Like a cyst that never leaves.
What this experience taught me: It feels so good to say no!!!! Even when it has piercing blue eyes, muscles, and a tan on 6'4 long body! We can always say no. And we must if what's in front of us is in no way for us, just no way... it feels so empowering when you can see with clear eyes and not deny your mixed feelings.
Perhaps I agreed to meet to have the last word. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. It is more peaceful in my mind and my heart now that they came to the conclusion that I really, really, don't want to be with this man. I can't even imagine associating with him. It'd be like a badge of the ultimate unconsciousness.
Do you know why it took me so long to get over the Yorkshire ex and I'm still not 100% in peace over the breakup last year? Because it never came to the point where I would not want him. I didn't want the relationship we were creating, the distance between us, the self-doubts his actions triggered in me, and the trauma I was projecting... But I never NOT wanted him. I trusted his potential, imagined our future together, but I didn't know if we were meeting halfway. If I could have the last word, I'd ask better questions (like I did yesterday with this new 'crush'). The phone call was stupid, I never got the chance to get a proper closure. A similar thing happened with the Australian. It took me 2 years to get over him, to see-think-and-feel that he wasn't the one. Two years after, on a sunny day in Darwin in May 2018, I finally heard him. I heard the BS he had been feeding me for 3 tears in person and over the phone, and I hang up on him. Done. I did not want him back anymore.
With Jake, it's completely different. I'm still obsessed with him one day, like if he was the best thing that happened to me, then thinking rationally the next day, I mean, he was/is an alcoholic. I'm just trying to stay present. Inevitably, I compared him to the Playa playboy, and felt a little remorse. Did I make a big mistake and should I run back to him? He felt like a safe harbor. However, it's all an illusion.
After the devil left my studio, I cleansed the space with white sage and I danced. I felt empowered and I knew that if I face the choice between a young playboy and a mature gentleman in the future, I'd take the gentleman in a heartbeat. I also realize that what is done is done, and I know that Jake would not understand. So I'm utterly alone.
Up until yesterday, I was overthinking. But life really does give you clues. Your instinct is everything. Your horniness is never worth the price. Be brave enough to acknowledge the clues in plain sight.
It took another hour to coax him off the couch. Like a cyst that never leaves.
What this experience taught me: It feels so good to say no!!!! Even when it has piercing blue eyes, muscles, and a tan on 6'4 long body! We can always say no. And we must if what's in front of us is in no way for us, just no way... it feels so empowering when you can see with clear eyes and not deny your mixed feelings.
Perhaps I agreed to meet to have the last word. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. It is more peaceful in my mind and my heart now that they came to the conclusion that I really, really, don't want to be with this man. I can't even imagine associating with him. It'd be like a badge of the ultimate unconsciousness.
Do you know why it took me so long to get over the Yorkshire ex and I'm still not 100% in peace over the breakup last year? Because it never came to the point where I would not want him. I didn't want the relationship we were creating, the distance between us, the self-doubts his actions triggered in me, and the trauma I was projecting... But I never NOT wanted him. I trusted his potential, imagined our future together, but I didn't know if we were meeting halfway. If I could have the last word, I'd ask better questions (like I did yesterday with this new 'crush'). The phone call was stupid, I never got the chance to get a proper closure. A similar thing happened with the Australian. It took me 2 years to get over him, to see-think-and-feel that he wasn't the one. Two years after, on a sunny day in Darwin in May 2018, I finally heard him. I heard the BS he had been feeding me for 3 tears in person and over the phone, and I hang up on him. Done. I did not want him back anymore.
With Jake, it's completely different. I'm still obsessed with him one day, like if he was the best thing that happened to me, then thinking rationally the next day, I mean, he was/is an alcoholic. I'm just trying to stay present. Inevitably, I compared him to the Playa playboy, and felt a little remorse. Did I make a big mistake and should I run back to him? He felt like a safe harbor. However, it's all an illusion.
After the devil left my studio, I cleansed the space with white sage and I danced. I felt empowered and I knew that if I face the choice between a young playboy and a mature gentleman in the future, I'd take the gentleman in a heartbeat. I also realize that what is done is done, and I know that Jake would not understand. So I'm utterly alone.
Up until yesterday, I was overthinking. But life really does give you clues. Your instinct is everything. Your horniness is never worth the price. Be brave enough to acknowledge the clues in plain sight.
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