Not being able to fly out of the country a few days ago feels like a blessing now. I have all that I need here, in fact, I have all that I need within.
This is a gratitude message that I sent in the PDC group yesterday:
Everything happens for some higher reason, and in its own divine timing. I’m grateful for not moving to San Cristobal a couple of weeks ago, and for missing my flight out of Mexico yesterday. It all makes sense now 🙏🏼
Commitments, co-creating with community, minor or major ruptures, and staying put to create something unfamiliar from nothing, can feel scary for some of us. (I’m definitely guilty ☺️)
I feel the fear and convince myself it’s excitement!
I wasn't allowed to board a plane to the US... I shall write about it more in my next post. But no dream is lost. My dream was always to create a community, feel loved, feel that I belong, and be happy and healthy. I recognize the opportunities for growth right in front of my eyes. There's really nowhere to run and nothing to get to... I am creating my new reality from a clean slate. I must let go of outdated attachments to outcomes that are no longer rooted in my truth.
I found a great place to live in Playa del Carmen. I'm so grateful. More about that next time too!
Regarding love affairs, I believe that love should be constant, not a guessing game, not depend on the moon, or the weather...
Yes, it was a full moon eclipse on Sunday, a hypercharged day full of nervous energy just before my flight.
My ex-lover and I hooked up again and it felt natural, in fact, even quite loving. We still care about each other.
It was meant to be my last night in Mexico, and two commitment-phobes kinda like it that way. A closure for romance, friendship gets to stay, but no pressure to dive deeper.
We had some riffs, some misunderstandings and long periods of silence in between casual coupling.
First, there was his friend visiting and silence for over 3 weeks. Then suddenly, I was at his place, socializing with his friends, until they all went home, and we jumped on each other. Two secret lovers reunited.
Yes, it was a full moon eclipse on Sunday, a hypercharged day full of nervous energy just before my flight.
My ex-lover and I hooked up again and it felt natural, in fact, even quite loving. We still care about each other.
It was meant to be my last night in Mexico, and two commitment-phobes kinda like it that way. A closure for romance, friendship gets to stay, but no pressure to dive deeper.
We had some riffs, some misunderstandings and long periods of silence in between casual coupling.
First, there was his friend visiting and silence for over 3 weeks. Then suddenly, I was at his place, socializing with his friends, until they all went home, and we jumped on each other. Two secret lovers reunited.
The carrot was dangling in front of me again...
Oh hi, there you are!
Oh hi, you're still here!?
I guess the fantasy was still there... what if, what if we both change... what if... he becomes emotionally available and I'm finally ready to stay.
As Mark Groves says - having sex with a toxic co-dependent is like gasping for air after drowning.... good gasping. The itch is scratched, they must like me 'a little.' Immediately upon recoiling, we go back to our own worlds. I go back to drowning in my own anxiety, looking forward to gasping for air during another orgasm.
It felt good. But then the damn misunderstanding and communication glitches afterward...
A friendship can withstand some tests, but desire... desire is fickle. The sex was just a pacifier for my deeper needs, everything outside of it was the point. I didn't feel beautiful so I needed an emotionally unavailable man to feel validated. I felt lost, so I needed him to give me direction, but it gave me abandonment. I failed to fill the void with self-love first. It wasn't love that I was feeling. It was pain and I was addicted to it. An opportunity to heal. Because pain... pain is what love is to me.
The truth is, men, even women, can feel repelled by someone, yet still be happy to have sex with them.
Our parents weren't emotionally available, we needed to walk on eggshells around them to keep them happy...
Maybe disconnecting from myself was still my survival strategy, or maybe I was on the verge of a breakthrough.
Oh hi, there you are!
Oh hi, you're still here!?
I guess the fantasy was still there... what if, what if we both change... what if... he becomes emotionally available and I'm finally ready to stay.
As Mark Groves says - having sex with a toxic co-dependent is like gasping for air after drowning.... good gasping. The itch is scratched, they must like me 'a little.' Immediately upon recoiling, we go back to our own worlds. I go back to drowning in my own anxiety, looking forward to gasping for air during another orgasm.
It felt good. But then the damn misunderstanding and communication glitches afterward...
A friendship can withstand some tests, but desire... desire is fickle. The sex was just a pacifier for my deeper needs, everything outside of it was the point. I didn't feel beautiful so I needed an emotionally unavailable man to feel validated. I felt lost, so I needed him to give me direction, but it gave me abandonment. I failed to fill the void with self-love first. It wasn't love that I was feeling. It was pain and I was addicted to it. An opportunity to heal. Because pain... pain is what love is to me.
The truth is, men, even women, can feel repelled by someone, yet still be happy to have sex with them.
Our parents weren't emotionally available, we needed to walk on eggshells around them to keep them happy...
Maybe disconnecting from myself was still my survival strategy, or maybe I was on the verge of a breakthrough.
Fast forward another 2 weeks of silence, I matured up. I re-estabilished the connection and broke the silence with a sincere apology and proposed breakfast on my last day in Playa del Carmen. Breakfast turned into an all-nighter, with my leaving for the airport from his at 4am.
We understand each other and possibly, we helped each other heal.
But I deserve a safe connection. Someone constant and loving, patient with my occasional crazy. Yes, I hate that I push people away... and then I wanna be close again. He was only mirroring that.
My avoidant side wants a connection but is afraid that it'll never happen. My attachment style is 'Disorganised' - Come close, go away... I was unavailable, and just like him, I was also addicted to the chase.
New mantra:
We understand each other and possibly, we helped each other heal.
But I deserve a safe connection. Someone constant and loving, patient with my occasional crazy. Yes, I hate that I push people away... and then I wanna be close again. He was only mirroring that.
My avoidant side wants a connection but is afraid that it'll never happen. My attachment style is 'Disorganised' - Come close, go away... I was unavailable, and just like him, I was also addicted to the chase.
New mantra:
"I am so grateful to let go of what no longer serves me. Unavailability is now unattractive to me. I am unavailable to unavailability.
I am available for emotionally and physically available men."
Plus, God knows that I'm ready to have a child. I'd be a great mum 😜😏
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Please be kind and have some compassion for my non-native English grammar. Applications for voluntary editing are now open.