Dear Eclipse, am I the toxic one?

I think I'd like to grow up now, make commitments, and embrace stability. 

Two people called me a little girl on Saturday. I know I am one. I called a friend of mine little boy this month, and he's, in fact, quite a decent man. Albeit super unconscious and so terribly afraid of his heart ending up in a blender that he doesn't even let his feelings rise up.

So there it is, karma.

Did I deserve it?

The incident in the morning - maybe not, but the guy had a point. Although we've never quite spoken before, he only raced to get my phone number on my first day in the gym a few weeks back. That's how it's done. A girl is about to faint from her first-in-ages workout, and an absolute hulk takes advantage of her weakness. The pile of muscles jumps over to ask if she's alright. I was more than alright, but I guess - my leaking boundaries and guilt-ridden female essence simply continued the small talk... and who am I to oppose a bodybuilder who looks like he could twist my head with his pinkie finger? I knew I'd never want to meet him outside of the gym, but I still gave out my phone number - what a smooth move and how well it worked for him!

So there, you've got the crucial mistake right there... why do I still feel obliged to give out my details when someone asks me? Why don't I just say no? Am I afraid? YES.

A little girl is afraid.

Then it took us 3 weeks to arrange something... because unconsciously, I didn't want to... and all his messages should have screamed alarm bells.  I'm not obliged to meet up with him, with anyone whom I might hand over my phone number... however, as a diligent good girl, I did just that and even arrived fairly on time... unlike him. So after 15 mins of waiting, I went to get my matcha and paid for it right away. I hate paying for my own drinks on a date but I was intending on leaving as soon as it was made.

He turned up and looked even grosser than I remembered, I'm sorry. I did not like anything about him.

I called him out on his lateness, and he turned aggressive towards me, in front of everyone, I said I would leave, and he told me to grow up, that I'm acting like a little girl and if I want a man, I'll have to grow up...

Right, in my own time, I will. End of story.

A few hours later, I received a text from a ghost of the past - a man who kicked me out of his house in Newcastle, NSW for being too heartbroken, hangover, and grieving over another man... End of story there.  Was that man a man at all? Or a monster? Or a little rejected boy for a moment? Well, he was well over 50 in 2016 so one would have hoped for some discernment already...

The text said - "Guess who dropped into my dreams last night? Have you grown up yet? Years ago I always remember thinking what a great catch you would be after you got on your inner journey?" as it flashed across my phone screen... it was then 'unsent' so I can't screenshot the evidence. The new message says the same except for the 'grown up' part - Why? I guess someone grew up himself in seconds after sending it! Perhaps realizing that my being a little girl unfit for his needs is well, a little pedophilic. ...

Funny, I felt like replying: Interesting that you're still single... but no need for any reaction whatsoever!

In fact, after recent events, I'm no longer even getting angry...

Men are weird, and I am creating it. Another entitled man asked me for my notes from a workshop for which I paid $200... you think that I don't respect someone else's work at all that I'd give you all info for free? On what premise?

Then I woke up with yet another erotic dream about a certain doctor that took a liking to me some time ago. The second or third erotic dream about us. Why? Do I wish that I would have tried it with him during the event?

I kinda do fantasize about that... wondering what it would be like, to do it with a real man again. But... there's something off about the whole thing. And he ceased our correspondence so... adios.

The only real thing or something coming close to reality was the second part of my affair with my friend. ...

But it all fizzled out so quickly.

Yes, I got super angry over his 'yes, no, maybe, no' games, I felt rejected, half-used, betrayed, and sad... of course I had to call him "a confused little boy" and tell him that I liked his friend better - he's a real man, unlike you! I said...

What a bitch...

My friend's friend might be a real man, but I get so fuckin' bored every time I speak with him... Plus, he just doesn't do it for me... Forgiveness isn't my friend's middle name for sure... I should really be done apologizing. He's making me responsible for how my initial message about his fucking around made him feel... oh, poor little boy! He doesn't have the guts to admit to his part of the responsibility for his mistakes. I merely called him out on it. Anyway, let's set aside what's real, what's fantasy, and what's pure BS to focus on what this eclipse taught me -

I am/was a little girl. 

I surrender, I admit it, it's true.

This time, I'm ready to make some big changes. Wish me good luck!