Saying goodbye to casual sex

What a day!
Do you also get a hard slap from the Universe when you're about to sabotage yourself? Well, I do.

I'll take you further
I'll take you further down tonight
I'll take you further
Further

Sings Rufus du Sol in 'Say a Prayer For me...'

And so my mind took me further... further along the downward spiral of grief, despair, all the rejection and abandonment yuckiness... I was crying, shaking, pitying myself and I haven't stopped until I ceased judging these emotions as yucky and bad. I turned them into welcomed guests, as messengers signalling that what has once poisoned me was ready to be let go off. No need to project my childhood wounds onto others in my adult life.

Suddenly, I accepted the grief, the rejection, even the feeling of utter unlovability... just as my Shaman says: "Welcome them joyfully." 
Is there a better way to embody joy than during a dance? I doubt so. I cranked up the music and danced with my sorrow joyfully. How does one do that? Well, you simply begin, let the shit rain, greet it with joy! Your old emotions won't wait, the body will follow.

Don't say you don't want me
'Cause I'm too caught up on it
Don't think that I'm leaving
'Cause I won't give it up again

- Rufus du Sol 'Rendezvous'

That meltdown and insane dance rendezvous with my feelings happened during the lunch-break in the privacy of my bungalow.

I came back to the 'classroom' relieved. I spent the rest of our workshop in meditative stillness.

Come the evening, we disperse to find some dinner...

Normally, I don't eat if we finish late, I just crash on the bed. However, depleted of old emotions which I was so accustomed to, I was in need of filling the void. This time, food wouldn't do.

(Hey, a major change in behavior doesn't happen overnight!)

A hot guy who had shown some interest previously but nothing happened, invited me for dinner.

My inner child leaped with joy, I wasn't being rejected on this occasion! Well, depends on how one interprets it...

After dinner, clutching him on the scooter on the way to his, we get hit by a motorbike.

Loud and clear... 

Help me out before I die
Save me now before I give up
Help me out before I drown

- Rufus du Sol 'Underwater'

At that moment, it was all about his "fucked" pinky-toe. Not once he has asked me if I was OK.

I tensed up and pulled my right calf muscle as the bike brushed passed us on the right side... and yes, that was all that happened to the naked eye during that incident. 

The drunk Thai guy hits us full speed despite our indicating of a right turn. I have no idea how my date kept the bike upright during the next few seconds which seemed like my whole life. At once, we were falling to the left, then to the right, next aiming at the tree in front of us and finally, the motor stopped. I opened my eyes to the Thai guy waiting, ready to fight. "Wanna fuck with me?"

My driver was so furious ready to join in and truly fuck that guy.

I begged him to please just let it be and go. The drunk grabbed his bike to follow us, still shouting: "You wanna fuck with me?!"

Take me away across the ocean
Out in the horizon the night is falling
Outside in the golden air
Washed out and no one's there
She said I'll need you there sometime

- Rufus du Sol 'Take me'

We got home unharmed, other than his toe and my pulled muscle. Oh, and the overall emotional trauma that shook me to the core. 

I felt sorry for what happened. 

But I felt even more sorry to learn that my driver thought it was my fault. That because I urged him to drive slow, the Thai guy run into us.

We both had to agree that the Universe knocks loud and clear when all previous gentle signs get dismissed. 

Perhaps it was time to stop treating all my predicaments with casual sex.
Above all, the accident has shown me that how my chosen partner in crime reacts at times of distress is very important, too.

Given the fact that we both came to Koh Phangan to heal and learn to heal, what became clear to both of us in the next few moments was that nothing good gets built on the wound. Casual sex was not the right type of medicine for neither of us.

I haven't seen him since, but I hope that we can remain friends - even though he would have killed me off just to be himself and drive as fast as he pleases.

Gosh, look at the boys I am willing to sleep with! They don't even care about my safety.

Dear Universe, thank you.

To say that I was selling myself cheap throughout those years would be a massive understatement.
I forgive myself, and I forgive all the men who came here to test me, too...