When the void never leaves...

... it waits for its phenomenal comeback, like a paparazzi creeping from around the corner, waiting for the perfect moment to just bam - get his best shot, shot at you... and you're frickin' shocked, puzzled, wondering how the hell did he get there... again?

I've done so much shadow-work, I wonder how much deeper should one dig! How far does that shadow go? 

It has started properly 3 years ago when I first sat down in Vipassana meditation for a total of 10 hours a day for 10 days, then continued that work a year later, sitting in quarantine in a bungalow in Koh Phangan with my dark eros thoughts. The void let itself be known more strongly than ever before... 

I tested that I could not sleep it away, eat it away, drink it away, and certainly not fuck it away because I tried that way too many times.

The void was still there, at first it felt like it was located in the middle of my chest, but in fact, lately, it feels like a vacuum cleaner swallowing me whole, leaving my spirit floating in space unprotected by my physical body, afraid of utter lostness and aloneness. 

What to do when the void comes to swallow you whole? You have to deal with it. ALONE. There, you don’t need to read the whole blog post to find the answer. 

Yet... keep asking me away and reach out anytime the void comes on the stage again. Coz' I know that if we don't address it appropriately, we resort to filling it with external substances, wine, chips, sweets, casual sex, you name it. Sometimes it looks healthy - lots of sports, maybe a lot of new work projects - we bury it under anything that keeps us 'busy'.

No, we don't have to wallow in negative emotions, but if we don't take the time to understand them, they'll come back and we'll never find true satisfaction in anything.

I deal with my stuff, all the time. That's why it surprised me when the void came on so suddenly recently, and I felt the urge to fill it immediately. Anything, anyone, let's stuff it now. Oh, yucky feelings, go away! Can I gorge myself, smash myself, find a victim to stuff it with, please?

There’s no one to blame, not yourself, your parents, nor your ex…. You feel the void when it gets triggered. So recognize your triggers... And what's next, then dissolve them?

Let's see.

For me, a trigger can be an insincere hug, an invitation that never came, someone exchanging my company for someone else's, a smile not being returned, or being left behind by those who were supposed to take care of me.

the feeling that arises - is it rejection, disappointment, sadness, thoughts of not-enoughness, abandonment, or general emptiness?

I'd say it certainly feels like all of that is experienced all at once in mere seconds.
A hollow sensation can spread across your chest, right there, around your heart chakra, and sit there so empty, yet so heavy…

I came to a conclusion that I might have been born with the void, maybe we all were, the notion of separation felt real. Therefore, there’s no getting rid of the void… because it’s already a nonbinding vacuum empty of any substance... like the space, it’s not there, yet it's everpresent. 

What are you lacking?

Give that that you're lacking, fill the world with beautiful things, intentions, and actions of love, no need to dissolve anything.

Love and blessings xxx

P.S: Still keen to read about the void? Check my older article here: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/03/what-covid-19-is-teaching-us-about-sex-pleasure-seeking-pavlina-angel-lioness/