I found that I'm, for one, not very good at 'rejecting'. Saying no to somebody or something can be difficult for me. I don't want to hurt people! Yet, if we struggle with giving rejection, we most likely struggle with receiving it too. I suspect that handling rejection well comes down to mastering 2 things.
1. Boundaries. We must have a healthy sense of where ours end and others' begin. We all have some boundaries, most people wouldn't let themselves be controlled willingly, unless coerced, of course. People have a basic survival instinct and therefore, need to make money. Ideally, while not selling their soul! Then we must assess: Are our boundaries healthy, pushy, or permeable - aka, when we're rejected - can we respect someone else's decision being about them without taking it personally? When we need to reject something, we mean to say "no" - do we say it? Or do we waver, say "maybe", or even "Yes, after all, it can be a good deal if I close both of my eyes..."
Clearly, we must get better at assertiveness for our own healthy sense of self!
2. Emotional vulnerability. Sometimes you just wanna help, you want to be available despite being busy; you feel like you need to save someone, and - a big one for me - not have them feel bad. I feel bad myself if I have to reject someone's effort to sell me something. I admire salesy people! A skill that I don't have. I dislike offending someone with my rejection of their efforts. If I see the desperation in their eyes, I'm prompted to say "yes" to save the day. If I go to a shop filled with junk yet somehow I end up spending a long time there staring at the stuff... I most likely end up buying something just to: not look bad, cheap, time-waster, poor (not the same as cheap), or weird.
It is never about them - it's about us and our needs!
I realized that we have to forget what anybody else thinks.
Choosing accommodation - such an important thing wherever you are - can be comparable to choosing a partner for a relationship!
Last week in Mexico, after seeing so many atrocious apartments to rent, I saw one acceptable, and I was like - it's a deal! bring it on, I take it, I love it, with dollar bills in my eyes... It wasn't love at first sight, but I was tired of flat-hunting and I needed to save money (so I thought). It was located 5 mins walk from the beach. The only plus. Two days after moving in, I can see it's a little dump right on a mega noisy street where people spit right outside of your door, it gets overheated inside, while the a/c doesn't quite do its job (plus it costs extra!).
Dating. After all the horrid dates from Bumble, when your first guy was way shorter than his online profile said, the other posted photos from 10 years ago, and some didn't even bother to show up, you finally get to meet someone interesting and entertaining, and before you know it, you imagine having babies with him.
The next day you take the rosy glasses off to see that you signed up for Shreck with a soul of a dark, damp basement with no windows. Voila! Flat-hunting is scarily similar to man-hunting.
Pull yourself together before you do either! And have patience.
It's our birthright to choose what's best for us at any given moment.
Rejecting silently.
Last weekend, I met up with a like-minded person for a drink. I don't know what he considered 'a drink' a code for, but after re-traumatizing myself with all the Friday night clubbing noise, I excused myself. It was only 9pm, but grandmother needed to go to bed. I wanted to walk home alone.
I haven't heard from him for a week.
Normally, a guy, any chivalry man, would have texted you: Did you get home alright?
Well, anyway, my man would, this guy didn't. I text this sentence to my female friends after letting them go home alone at night - every fuckin' time.
Rejection can come indirectly - my leaving home early, alone, not being interested in him in a romantic way was possibly obvious without words. Not voicing it out loud - silent rejection, it's still something we have to deal with if we had different plans.
Voicing it without caution.
I haven't heard from him for a week.
Normally, a guy, any chivalry man, would have texted you: Did you get home alright?
Well, anyway, my man would, this guy didn't. I text this sentence to my female friends after letting them go home alone at night - every fuckin' time.
Rejection can come indirectly - my leaving home early, alone, not being interested in him in a romantic way was possibly obvious without words. Not voicing it out loud - silent rejection, it's still something we have to deal with if we had different plans.
Voicing it without caution.
One time in Dubai, on a "blind date", I said it out loud. Not interested. In a public nightclub surrounded by people. Not interested. The guy went berserk. He shouted at me that I have no idea how powerful he is, and who do I think I was? He threatened me via messages later after I stormed out of the club: Your last night in Dubai...
Well, good to know, because if he was serious - he wouldn't have prepared me for something sinister to come!
(All was fine. Block and delete.)
Being rejected. I was also rejected. A number of times. Too many times for my liking - did it make me feel angry, lonely, isolated, like there was something wrong with me, did it make me run a private riot, binge on wine, overeat, starve, not sleep, not get out of bed, not exercise, overexercise, turn promiscuous, become celibate, hate my life, and change my life for the better? You guessed it. All of it and beyond.
No immunity here - not back then.
How do I deal with rejection these days? I anticipate it, and I avoid it. Both are equally crazy but smart! When my man doesn't pick up the phone, my inner 3-year-old kicks in. She's rageful, unloved, lost. But in a snap of a finger, I begin to manage it, soothe it.
I see it as a helpful challenge - besides, I shouldn't call him every time I feel needy, starved for love, hungry to connect. So I connect to LOVE first. I self-soothe, I am there for me before anybody else. I am the only constant in my life.
Well, good to know, because if he was serious - he wouldn't have prepared me for something sinister to come!
(All was fine. Block and delete.)
Being rejected. I was also rejected. A number of times. Too many times for my liking - did it make me feel angry, lonely, isolated, like there was something wrong with me, did it make me run a private riot, binge on wine, overeat, starve, not sleep, not get out of bed, not exercise, overexercise, turn promiscuous, become celibate, hate my life, and change my life for the better? You guessed it. All of it and beyond.
No immunity here - not back then.
How do I deal with rejection these days? I anticipate it, and I avoid it. Both are equally crazy but smart! When my man doesn't pick up the phone, my inner 3-year-old kicks in. She's rageful, unloved, lost. But in a snap of a finger, I begin to manage it, soothe it.
I see it as a helpful challenge - besides, I shouldn't call him every time I feel needy, starved for love, hungry to connect. So I connect to LOVE first. I self-soothe, I am there for me before anybody else. I am the only constant in my life.
And so I change my vibration, get on with my day, no matter how difficult and lonely, I embody the masculine principles he would have otherwise transmitted into my life via the phone line. The divine masculine and divine feminine are in all of us and always available to bring us wholeness, inclusion, self-love, and connection to divine love.
Then when we eventually speak, I am integrated. I no longer sound needy, hurt, or ask for validation.
That's at the root of rejection anyway. Asking someone to meet our needs, asking for love, safety, and validation. It hurts if we're turned away... So how can you give all that to yourself now?
How I practice boundaries these days. With mistakes, and too late, but still.
I left a voicemail to my landlord: "I know I signed up for 3 months, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving this dirty, noisy dump the next month. Cheers."
Keep practicing handling rejection with grace!
That's at the root of rejection anyway. Asking someone to meet our needs, asking for love, safety, and validation. It hurts if we're turned away... So how can you give all that to yourself now?
How I practice boundaries these days. With mistakes, and too late, but still.
I left a voicemail to my landlord: "I know I signed up for 3 months, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving this dirty, noisy dump the next month. Cheers."
Keep practicing handling rejection with grace!
Or ask me to help. x
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Please be kind and have some compassion for my non-native English grammar. Applications for voluntary editing are now open.