Full moon meditations and clearing of past relationship trauma

Do not ask anyone for permission to be yourself.

Before ending my hour-long meditation of three 20-minutes increments, I felt like texting my sister: Thank you that I can always be myself in front of you 🙏

Now that I feel heavily meditated, I know that I need permission from no one. Self-acceptance comes from me, while self-love actually springs from God and flows through me... let me explain.

My meditation strangely brought upon the theme of love and my past romance. I realized that I'd been chasing love within my family circle, friendships, relationships, and pseudo-relationships. Yes, we must give love to ourselves first. But where does that love originate? Can't be from us alone. During my meditation I realized is that the only pure unconditional love, that we so desperately want from other people, can only come from God... tiny tears trickled down my face. Instantly, I felt touched by his/her love - the love that fuels my self-love. While sitting on my meditation cushion, I felt guarded and safe in a godly embrace. That fatherly/motherly love I seek in human embrace is more accessible than I knew. No one else will give it to me. That role is for God only. When I connect to him/the spirit, I feel loved, therefore, I can radiate love and also help others heal... I asked my guides to stay near so I could keep working with them. Even a healer needs a power source!

The mind-chatter lessened...yet, there was another aspect to love...

Suddenly, I remembered the good and bad times with my previous lover, a Yorkshire lad, who made me laugh, opened up to me slowly, telling me "I think I love you" after 3 months of dating, then I recalled our separation for reasons too muddled up for me to pinpoint them. maybe it was the lack of patience to grow with one another, not trusting the other to mature up, commit... so nothing happened. The trust just wasn't there on both sides. Falling in love with one another's potential and falling out of love because of fear? I don't know. I was in so much pain because of it - of not knowing what exactly happened - How did I fuck it up? was all I could conceive of. He had no problem with my colorful, sexual past whatsoever. Yet, he couldn't accept my unstable feminine nature and my sabotaging self-perseverance, possibly based on unconscious fear of love.

Nevertheless, ever since that encounter I was working hard on becoming less afraid of love, a more stable, responsible, committed, and mature person... then finally falling in love with someone just like that 6 months later. A loving, mature, committed, stable, and responsible gentleman. He accepted my crazy feminine, nomadic, adventurous, flexible, and spiritual side, except for my promiscuous past.

I was sitting with my feelings, aware of having done lots of healing surrounding that breakup, yet not quite done with accepting myself fully. Otherwise, I wouldn't have attracted someone new who didn't accept all of me AGAIN. Other people are our mirrors.

I pulled out two oracle cards to interpret later.

I felt guided to place my hand on my root chakra... Cool, one oracle card said - No place like home...so let's come home to myself. Obviously, self-acceptance must be rooted in something else than the ability to forge satisfying relationships... During the second part of my meditation when all these past feelings of non-acceptance came flooding over me, I broke down. Many, many tears flooded my face this time. If self-love comes from God, in fact, self-acceptance must come from me...

As I cried for no specific reason, I knew that the only way to heal was to stick with the process... I don't know how long I cried for, but when the timer set off, I wasn't done yet.

It's important to not keep rushing these emotions to the end. They explode because we've kept suppressing them for so long. We don't have to name the pain nor identify with it. Just breathe through it. Soon enough I felt waves of relief. I deepened my breathing, tried to ground myself... and knew that something mega essential had just taken place...

In the last 10-15 minutes I finally meditated with an emptier mind and peaceful heart... The ceiling fan dried up my face, and I experienced home within. The cards confirmed that authenticity, believing in having my place in the world, and trusting the spirit are all I need to keep going.

My mental, emotional and physical health has never been better thanks to these practices of chakra healing and daily connecting with my guides. I'm so glad that I'm never alone and that the greater love I used to seek outside of me is only a meditation away.

P.S: A couple of days later I remembered another breakup. Sure enough, the theme of this full moon in Gemini was revisiting past loves... and Venus now goes to retrograde!

In 2015, I was cheated on, for the first time and the last time. We were in a long-distance relationship and he knew nothing better than to spread his seed in my absence as he's been accustomed to doing, and possibly because he didn't process his Brazilian ex's cheating in the past as well. In 2021 I've forgiven fully, completely, with love, compassion, and gratitude. I've had 6 years of superficial forgiveness, denial of trauma, and also an unconscious fear of having that happen to me again. No more. Clean slate. 

Thank you, full moon in Gemini of 19.12.2021!