First of all,
I met P. in Bali last year and we've never had sex together. My head stepped in and called it a night when we lied there just with our towels on. A year later he's calling me demanding a closure...
I could see that he wasn't going to show me much vulnerability despite taking such a brave action to break the year-long silence.
You want me to talk???
If I remembered well, it was him who has never responded to my messages that I had sent after the fatal night of no sex.
I liked him, I just didn't want to sleep with him - then -. Is that so hard for men to accept as it is, without creating conclusions what it means? Like, she is not interested. It means that I won't sleep with you today. Want me to spell 'today'?
But I am a woman of thousands of mind-changes.
The next day I could, well, I would... But he was nowhere to be found. True story.
One year later we discuss this in a 40 minutes long phone call across the globe. L.A. -> Singapore.
I'll spare you the details.
Some notes I jotted down after the incident in 2019:
....
But if you don't sleep with him despite wanting to, you'll disobey your body, turn to your head for answers, and feel funky...
Nothing happened, so you shouldn't be worried about him losing interest, right? After all, why would he, when there was no 'cherry on top' consumed? However, for most men, this rings a bell: 'rejected'. If that happens, his interest in you will turn too wobbly, balancing on the edge of a cliff. In the bigger scheme of things, it has nothing to do with you - he just became a little self-conscious. In other cases, his burning desire to have sex with you will just turn into a burning desire to have sex - with anyone. First come, first served.
Same for some women, too. Women have much more complex and intense sexuality than men, as I will also illustrate later.
So what if you do sleep with him?
I know I know... all those conditioned fears because we have once read somewhere that a girl should never ever give in to a man on a first date. What bullshit.
I know so many couples who have literally started off in bed and they thrive together years later.
And I've met way too many couples who waited for the right moment, and when that came (if it was the 'right' moment at all), they found out that nothing happened. And, except the obvious, I mean God did not descend from the heavens to congratulate them on their patience, their suppressing of sexual feelings for so long, or to grant them eternal life now that they have connected in sacred marriage. There were no fireworks. But they followed the book and that's what matters. Integrity, keeping your word and staying true to oneself is ultimately the only thing that yields results, even if undesirable ones.
Then there were couples who waited with sex for 2 years and broke up. Just like that. So not only there was never any physical intimacy, there was no future together either. Or, worse, there had been an actual ring on the finger for some time before they broke it off in celibacy.
My point is, if you feel it, nothing can go wrong. You either get what you want, or you learn. You could gain a casual sex partner or soon to be a boyfriend, or just a one night stand. If not memorable, then at least something to laugh at.
And laughter is essential.
I can tell you what can happen if you won't sleep with him even when you so so so want to. Regardless of what you might think, I am writing this chapter after I acted against my desire, perhaps even my best interest, dutifully hoping that I decided for my highest and happiest good. There is a difference in that.
I did not go with the flow, not listened to my burning desire, I was just 'thinking', thinking too hard. My objective was to stay 'cool'. Not take in too much excitement that day. There was also a mild sensation of guilt - and guilt is a killer.
This is not 'we live only once' kinda advice (and such a bullshit one, I hate that one), this is a question - Are you willing to stop thinking, and meet your partner where your spirits are already one, or will you keep on dreaming? The dream can never be as real as reality, and reality might never be as dreamy as the dream, but isn't that a good thing? At least we could all stop wondering what if -.
Until you take a leap of faith, you'll never know if his heart expands through the magnificent temple of your vagina, or if you find peace and gratitude through his penis for the wonderful blessings of being a woman.
Again, I am talking about organic sex. No need to will yourself into such a deed if you're just not interested.
But if you are, why wait. Your dignity is NOT dependent on that. Stop questioning it. People still pray to Virgin Marry, yes, but has anyone in the current society put a real woman up on a pedestal because she closed her legs off and refused a man she really wanted? I don't remember so. These days, men fall to their knees in front of Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Jlo or Milley Cyrus.
Are those women saints to you? Look at the reality of sex, relationships and seduction today. No one is waiting for another Virgin Mary to save all mankind from all the naughtiness.
Times change. Sexually liberated women are the new 'normal'.
To end this chapter, I don't regret that I have not slept with P.
The next day he didn't call me anyway, so much for my 'chastity', so I run back to my then lover and had the best 'energy exchange' ever.... our intimacy deepened and I felt peace of mind...
What is meant to be is meant to be, or was it meant to be because the sex wasn't be? (it's rhyming)
Feel free to create your own opinion!
In February 2020, I now conclude that it is always a good idea to wait a bit before having sex with someone new. No regrets.
But if you don't sleep with him despite wanting to, you'll disobey your body, turn to your head for answers, and feel funky...
Nothing happened, so you shouldn't be worried about him losing interest, right? After all, why would he, when there was no 'cherry on top' consumed? However, for most men, this rings a bell: 'rejected'. If that happens, his interest in you will turn too wobbly, balancing on the edge of a cliff. In the bigger scheme of things, it has nothing to do with you - he just became a little self-conscious. In other cases, his burning desire to have sex with you will just turn into a burning desire to have sex - with anyone. First come, first served.
Same for some women, too. Women have much more complex and intense sexuality than men, as I will also illustrate later.
So what if you do sleep with him?
I know I know... all those conditioned fears because we have once read somewhere that a girl should never ever give in to a man on a first date. What bullshit.
I know so many couples who have literally started off in bed and they thrive together years later.
And I've met way too many couples who waited for the right moment, and when that came (if it was the 'right' moment at all), they found out that nothing happened. And, except the obvious, I mean God did not descend from the heavens to congratulate them on their patience, their suppressing of sexual feelings for so long, or to grant them eternal life now that they have connected in sacred marriage. There were no fireworks. But they followed the book and that's what matters. Integrity, keeping your word and staying true to oneself is ultimately the only thing that yields results, even if undesirable ones.
Then there were couples who waited with sex for 2 years and broke up. Just like that. So not only there was never any physical intimacy, there was no future together either. Or, worse, there had been an actual ring on the finger for some time before they broke it off in celibacy.
My point is, if you feel it, nothing can go wrong. You either get what you want, or you learn. You could gain a casual sex partner or soon to be a boyfriend, or just a one night stand. If not memorable, then at least something to laugh at.
And laughter is essential.
I can tell you what can happen if you won't sleep with him even when you so so so want to. Regardless of what you might think, I am writing this chapter after I acted against my desire, perhaps even my best interest, dutifully hoping that I decided for my highest and happiest good. There is a difference in that.
I did not go with the flow, not listened to my burning desire, I was just 'thinking', thinking too hard. My objective was to stay 'cool'. Not take in too much excitement that day. There was also a mild sensation of guilt - and guilt is a killer.
This is not 'we live only once' kinda advice (and such a bullshit one, I hate that one), this is a question - Are you willing to stop thinking, and meet your partner where your spirits are already one, or will you keep on dreaming? The dream can never be as real as reality, and reality might never be as dreamy as the dream, but isn't that a good thing? At least we could all stop wondering what if -.
Until you take a leap of faith, you'll never know if his heart expands through the magnificent temple of your vagina, or if you find peace and gratitude through his penis for the wonderful blessings of being a woman.
Again, I am talking about organic sex. No need to will yourself into such a deed if you're just not interested.
But if you are, why wait. Your dignity is NOT dependent on that. Stop questioning it. People still pray to Virgin Marry, yes, but has anyone in the current society put a real woman up on a pedestal because she closed her legs off and refused a man she really wanted? I don't remember so. These days, men fall to their knees in front of Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Jlo or Milley Cyrus.
Are those women saints to you? Look at the reality of sex, relationships and seduction today. No one is waiting for another Virgin Mary to save all mankind from all the naughtiness.
Times change. Sexually liberated women are the new 'normal'.
To end this chapter, I don't regret that I have not slept with P.
The next day he didn't call me anyway, so much for my 'chastity', so I run back to my then lover and had the best 'energy exchange' ever.... our intimacy deepened and I felt peace of mind...
What is meant to be is meant to be, or was it meant to be because the sex wasn't be? (it's rhyming)
Feel free to create your own opinion!
In February 2020, I now conclude that it is always a good idea to wait a bit before having sex with someone new. No regrets.
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Please be kind and have some compassion for my non-native English grammar. Applications for voluntary editing are now open.